tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC July 17, 2019 11:34pm-12:37am EDT
e. wait, millions of ople are watching? yeah. we're making a commercial if innected, it's protected, with xfinity xfi. now that's simple, easy, awesome. get started with xfinity for .$79.99 a month for 2 yea plus, add xfi advantage for enhanced netwo security. click, call or visit a store today. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon
[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪an >> jimmy: thk you very much. that was great thank you, welcome [ cheers and applause thanks, that was great relax. welcome,elcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. this is it you're here. appreciate it. look, i know you're all just clappi for the air conditioning but i'm still glad you're here [ light laughter ] we're in the middle of a giant heat wave right now with temperatures in the 90s. it's crazy out there i sat on a bench for two minutes. when i got up, my pants had grill marks. [ laughter ] >> steve: really >> jimmy: i saw that officials are telling people that beer -- beer is not a good way to stay hydrated and that you should drk water. when new yorkers heard that, they're like, "okay, coors light it is. [ laughter ] [ applause ]
well, you guys, this heat wave is really intense.th kind of weather can be pretty rough so here now with some tips on how to beat the heat are the roots. >> questlove: thanks jimmynd [ cheers applause so tip number one, stay out the sun and drink lots of water. >> tariq: ah, it's a good one. here's what you should do. you get yourself a klondike r and use it like a bar of soap. [ laughter ] >> take yo pants off, then remember you're at work and put them back on [ laughter ] >> close your eyes picture a penguin, big, cute, slippery, like an oversized ed toucan wearing a t [ light laughter ] >> do what i do.pe put your touin the freezer, so when you glue it on your head in the morning -- [ laughter ] it keeps your dome ice cold. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for the tips i appreciate it. thank you very much, roots this isn't good. i heard that the heat could
cause another blackout here in new york [ audience ohs ]ou think that when you're stepping into an elevator with your annoying co- worker alright, it's like - [ laughter ] "don't die on me now, power.ou "how wassummer?" "not good. that's right officials think there will be more blackouts at some point yep, they know something bad is coming, but they can't sayen wh trump on twitter like following [ laughter ] have you been following this last night, the house approved a resolution to condemn trump's racist tweets. it's the first time its happened since william howard taft. ke, "wow, what did he tweet? [ laughter ] speaking of social media, this is going viralen everybody's be using this app called faceapp have you guys heard of it? [ cheers ] it's creepy. it's creepy.te it has a filthat shows what you look like when you're older. for example, here's a photo of me, and here's me with the wow.er [ laughter ]ng i a try, including some people in washington and the results are kind of surprising take a look. re's president's son
eric trump here's him with the filter [ laughter ] [ applause ] here's cnn host anderson cooper. here's what he looks like with the filter [ laughter ] up next is treasury secretary steve mnuchin. here he is with the filter [ laughter ] here's vladimir putin. here's him with the old filter [ laughter ] and finally, here's a photo of bernie sanders and here he is as an old man [ laughter ] [ applause ] that was pretty good >> steve: wow. very realistic >> jimmy: at was pretty good >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: oh, this is big.ic today, the mex drug lord el chapo was sentenced to life in prison. he has to turn over $12.6 billion in drug money.en rump was like, "see, i told you mexico would pay for the wall [ laughter ] i told you."o
that's made with the world'sro hottest pepper, the na reaper - >> steve: oh >> jimmy: for people who walk into taco bell and think, "how could i make this bad decision evenorse." [ laughter ] here's a crazy story the owners of a miami restaurant called bacon bitch is suing the owners -- [ laughter ] they almost don't need even jokes. yeah laughter ]ah >> jimmy: the owners of a miami ughter ]nt called ba[ n bitch. is it bacon bitch -- >> steve: bacon, or it, "bacon, bitch! >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: i don't know [ applause ] wheris the emphasis? >> jimmy: bacon -- yeah, okay. all rit. steve: yeah, you know >> jimmy: anyways, the owners ant bacon bitch are suing the owners of a san diego restaurant called breakfast bitch -- [ laughter ] >> steve: breakfast, bitch >> jimmy: okay [ laughter ] >> steve: is that how that one is >> jimmy: for stealing their idea yeah, experts say it could be the first case where the judge asks, "how do yobitches plead? [ laughter ] [ applause ]
bitch please and finally, i read about a man in belgium who just set the guinness world record for siing on a toilet for 116 straight hours [ audience ohs ] he wasn't trying to break a record carolina reaper burrito. [ cheers and applause we have a great show tight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much, roots. [ cheers and applause thank you, roots thank you, higgins guys, make sure -- thank you for being here tonight ke sure you tune in tomorrow night. because we're going to be unveiling our five books for our annual book club that we do >> steve: oh >> jimmy: "tonight show" summer reads. we did it last year. what i do is i give you five books. i briefly explain what they are. icand then, you vote on whone we're all going to read together then we'll all buy the book and have a book club but yeah, reading is good. [ cheers and applause
i don't care what anyone says. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: we did it last year. it was fun we did -- it was tomi adeyemi.lo "children of b and bone" was the book and it's still on the bestseller list from last year so i mean, it crushed.as it wreat and we all read it and it was cool. and i think it's turning into a movie. i'm not guaranteeing it's going to happen. ng steve: right. that's what i'm sayi [ laughter ] >> jimmy: every book - >> steve: you're not making it, yeah >> jimmy: yeah but it's going to be fun anyways. so that's tomorrow nightiv we'll have ourfinalists. and then, i want you guys to vote and tell me which one we should all read. it will be good. [ cheers and applause saguys, you know how they a picture is worth 1,000 words well, it's also worth one meme i'll show you what i'm talking about. it's time for "this week in memes. us [ cheers and applae ♪ >> jimmy: here's a photo of joe biden. his meme says, "when you're at sunday brunch and your friend starts telling you what you said last ght. [ laughter ] [ applause ] "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. sorry, sorry, sorry.xt nes a classic photo of an owl. this meme is called, "when the
barber spins you around to look at your new haircut. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you? next is a photo of queen elizabeth. her meme is called, "when you spot your man with a random girl in the park." [ laughter ][ applause ] "very interesting. but stupid." [ laughter ] next, a pho of attorney general william barr his meme says, "when the music teacher gives himself a solo in the end ofhe year concert. [ laughter ] [ applause ] just let the kids perform. here's kate middleton. her meme says, "when luke p. tells hannah he doesn't want her hooking up with any other bachelors. [ laughter ] [ applause ] next is a photo of prince louie [ audience aws ] his meme says, "when 'paw patrol' is a re-run. [ laughter ] it's like, "oh, man. and finally, a photo of vladimir putin his meme says, "when you're trying to look sexy at the club after six vodka tonics." [ cheers and applause that was "this week in memes." we will be right back with joel mchale. [ eers and applause thank you for watching
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[ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our first guest hosts the new edition of "card sharks," which you can see wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. on abc please welcome, joel mchale, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that is how you make an entrance, joel mchale welcome to the show. thank you very much. appreciate it. thank you.>> es, yes. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, you know how to ma an el, how've you been? thank you for coming back and seeing us. >> thank you for having me and thank you for the greatest audience on the planet >> jim: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause that's pandering p >>andering
just pandering you look terrific by the way >> jimmy: thank you very much. a lot of botox no [ laughter ] >> just down the center. >> jimmy: just down the one side >> it's weird.>> immy: start with the left side and see if i like it, you know and then, if i like it, then i'll do the right side >> oh, all right >> jimmy: yeah, th is how i smile. [ laughter ] hey, thank you for being here because i'm happy that you're - >> no, thank you >> jimmy: no, thank you. >> thank you for the blackout.my >> jimnow is that a -- is that ring? what is it >> oh, yeah -- no, you have inspired this -- this is my wedding ring, you guys [ chee and applause j my: sorry, ladies. >> yeah, it's made of rubber because after hearing, seeing what happened with your finger and you had a metal ring that got caught and turned your finger into a little deli. [ laughter ] and i said, i'm getting -- i got rid of my ring >> jimmy: i'm so happy - >> yeah, i got rid of my ring. dated for a few months and then -- no [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's ridiculous. >> no, so i bought the rubber one. >> jimmy: i'm so happy you have
that that's good for you. i think rings are too -- they're too strong [ light laughti ] >> yesree. i mean, you are the perfect -- you should be the spokesperson for rubber rings >> jimmy: thank you. [ light laughter ] see, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever - >> i wiltalk to them i know that you need the money, so i will -- i know you need a couple extra bucks. >> yy know why -- you know wh i'm happy that you're here, because i'm happy that you're alive. >> oh thank you. >> jimmy: and survived what i think is one of the craziest things anyone's ever done you swam with sharks >> oh, i thought you were going to say have coffee with butter in it, but no -- >> jimmy: that's up there -- that's up there, that's number two, but - >> yeah, or texted without auto correct, so yes. >> jimmy: explain -- >> that's a shark. >> jimmy: that's real. >> that's a great ite, right there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is not. >> that's a great white. >> jimmy: that's a great whitet >> thais nemo. >> jimmy: just a great white backing up on me >> okay, yes, of course. yes, okay, that's me s as you can, that is -- i'm smelling fear, and i -
[ ght laughter ] >> jimmy: what was this, this is shark week? >> no, it's called mid life crisis [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've seen that show, oh, yeah i'm starring in it right now, yeahk >> shark w rob riggle is hosting this special called "shark trip: eat, pray, chum." [ laughter ] and we -- there's five celebrities, who we all die. and -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no i love rob rigley, he's a funny guy. >> he's so funny, and then, it's anthony anderson and damon wayans, jr. and adam devine. they said, would you like to go to the bahamas and swim with arks and that seemed like a good idea and then -- then they said, "doo know how to scuba dive?" and i was like, "yeah. and they go, "really?" and i was like, "no. [ laughter ] and -- so, then they go,re "g." [ laughter ] and -- no, and then, we went down there, and there's 25 sharks. there's ch -- and all -- as well, our shark expert is missing a hand and foot. >> jimmy: stop i w >>ch - >> jimmy: stop it.
yeah, which you go, "are you really an expert?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, in air quotes. >> right, and anthony anderson was there, who i thought i was -- i thought i was outgoing like a golden retrietir, like always wan approval from people he walks through -- we were at this place called atlantis he walks through the casino. everyone starts recognizing him, and he's like, "are we taking pictures, mother[ bleep ]? [ laughter ] and i am not kidding, and then, he has a meet and greet for an hour with everybody coming up to him >> jimmy: yeah, yeah >> he's the nicest dude. he can heal people >> jimmy: no, he cannot. [ laughter ] no, no, he made this lady walk. >> jimmy: no, i want to hear -- i want to hear - you did -- your first standup special is coming out. this is a big deal because i've known you for a while. i've seen your stand-up but i didn't know -- i thought you -- i assumed that you already had one. >> iid too [ laughter ] and then, it turns out i didn't [ laughter ] it was actually jim gaffigan's special. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but u enjoyed it you're like, "oh, im funny."
>> i'm killing it right now. >> jimmy: man, i'm hilarious >> you're going to start needing glasses. >> jimmy: but this is called, "live from pyongyang?" is this true >> yeah, "live from pyongyang. which is the capital of north korea. >> jimmy: so you did your first standup special from north korea? >> no -- [ laughter ] it was san jose. for real yeah, no, which is very similar to north korea [ laughter ] there's -- >> jimmy: san jose, california >> yes, no i just decided i'd call it that so people would ask me if i had gone to north korea. i would be in jail if i did it there. >> jimmy: yeahgo and this ig to air on amazon >> it's going to be on amazon and myspace. laughter ] it's going to be huge. >> jimmy: wow, oh, my god. [ cheers and applause >> it's on friendster. >> jimmy: friendster >> friendster, a.o.l >> jimmy: that's my favorite show ♪ i love friendster. >> oh. >> jimmy: yeah >> now do you have to pay for what you just sang >> i don't believe i sang it long enough to pay for >> or you could just sayi "i don't know what s singing.
>> jimmy: yeah, but i was off one note so i would be like - ♪ [ laughter ] >> i feel like that's the end of the song, or, like, a fake commerci break >> jimmy: like, i mean, there's certain songs. like if it's the beatles or something, i can't sing any of the beatle>> hy >> jimmy: i can go like -- it's so expensive to pay, to clear. >> oh, right >> jimmy: so i can go, like -- ♪ hey that's it. [ laughter ] until what you just gathered >> now, could you go - ♪ help [ laughter ] >> jmy: no >> you couldn't pay for "help. what if you're in trouble? >> jimmy: well, if you're in trouble -- if you're in help, no we can't legally yell >> jimmy: the beatles have that trademarked. >> but if i said, "help" -my >> jwe have to go -- we have to yell crisis. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: if you're in trouble, you go, "crisis. >> what if i go -- ♪ crisis ♪ crisis i need someone j >>immy: yeah, you can do -- can we do -- ♪ cris ♪ crisis i need someone ♪ crisis i need someone
♪ crisis i need someone ♪ crisis oh, yeah, you're allowed to do that, of course. [ cheers aat applause ths totally legal. you can totally do that. you are getting so sued. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: congrats on the standup special, i want to see you swimming with sharks and then, watch this segue, you're also hosting "card sharks." >> and that's how you do it, folks. [ cheers and applause that's -- he's a professional. ♪ that's why his name is on the cup, okay? >> jimmy: thank you very much. y >> no,, i host a game show on abc >> jimmy: what is -- everyone is hosting these shows now alec baldwin was hosting "match game." >> yes >> jimmy: elizabeth banks is hosting "press your luck?" >> yes we're bringing all the game shows back from the '70s and --ll >> jimmy: what is "card sharks"? what is the >> i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: didn't you find out en you do it >> it's a very simple game, where you just get -- all right, it's a high/low game of cards, where a card gets put up, and it will be a four.
do you think the next card will be higher or lower >> jimmy: yes. >> thas -- okay. [ laughter ] you've already -- you have to say whether -- >> jimmy: how long is the show how long is the show >> this show or -- >> jimmy: no "card sharks. >> well, it's an hour long, but -- >> jimmy: of that? [ laughter ] >> wait a minute i see what you're doing. >> jimmy: is it that for an hour >> it is that for an hour. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god >> i know. >> jimmy: i feel like you have to do a lot of -- you gotta do a lot of stalling. d >> oh, yeah, ia lot of -- do you think this will be [ laughter ]wer, don't answer. >> jimmy: we'll have the answer right after the break. [ light laughter ] >> there's 18 commercial breaks [ laughter ]he and by the end, by tnd of the show - >> jimmy: one person says if a a card is higher or lower. >> jimmy: right. >> it's been a four for 58 minutes [ laughter ] and then i go, "jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: yes.
>> "thanks for being on thow >> jimmy: no problem >> "again, do you think, now that we've reached the end here, higher or lower than a a four?" >> jimmy: don't, my nephew is in the audience. [ laughter ] >> your nephew has a very deep voice.[ ughter ] "lower, jimmy. [ laughter ] lower, say it. >> jimmy: lower. i'm a -- "we'll be here next week to t jimmy's answer." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i do know the game "card sharks" now that you've told me.em i dober this and so, but people win a lot of money. >> okay, so, yeah, i mean, it's like saying tennis is just a a simple game, where two people bhave nets and they throwl over >> jimmy: yeahng there's wageri >> right, it can get up to 690 grand. and so - >> jimmy: why not 700,000? [ laughter ] >> because we want you to talk about it [ laughter ] and you're talking about it. >> jimmy: yeah i really am it must be fun to -- >> no, and i -- this young woman won like $250,000 wi the turn of a card, and she's a single mom, and i don't have
eaa heart, i have a ball bng right here, and it just spins around and it's cold and then, all of a sudden, it's like i become the grinch with growing two hearts at once because she's crying, and en i start crying and then, she's like, "i'm going to buy a house." and i'm like, "well, not in l.a., but yeah." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my. you gotta tune in, "card sharks." [ cheers and applause 9:00 p.m. on abcnesd we'll be right back with marc maron stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applae stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applae ♪ people know aflac. aflac!bu not when to use it. do i use aflac when the kids get slime in the plumbing? no. that's home owner's insurance. do i use aflac when the kids get slimslime in my motorcycle. no. that's motorcycle insurance. slime everywhere? ughhh nooo, there's no insurance for that.
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in select theaters now ladies and gentlemen, please welcome marc maron ♪heers and applause >> jimmy: welcome back you look good, buddy >>y?hey do that for everybod >> jimmy: they do not stand for everybody. >> thank you very much thank you very much. >> jimmy: you got a standing ovation. you felt the love. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you look good. >> jimmy: you have les a a mustache >> i have no mustache. >> jimmy: yeah >> i actually -- it's the first time in about 15 years that i have no mustache >> jmy: wow. >> i had to -- i shaved it off for a role in a movie actually yeah >> jimmy: oh, who do you play in the movie >> i played the guy in the mustache >> jimmy: ah [ light laughter ] that's good casting. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: good casting >> it said, "guy without mustache." it's very broad, but i'm like, "i can do that i'll just take it off. >> jimmy: but you look good. you taking care of yourself? >> i am. i think i
>> jimmy: yeah >> you know, i do things to take care of myself. i don't know -- i don't know k what inow, jimmy, do you do you ever think -- [ laughter ] no, i mean, like, have you ever had a few hours during the day and sat down and go like, "what do i really know?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't -- i don't want to know that. >> well the weird thing is you're like -- and this is all going someone. like, if you make a column of things you're pretty sure you know - >> jimmy: yeah >> and then you make another column of how you know thoseou things, ab90% of that second column is just like, "some guy told me. you're like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is true >> right, so the point being is like -- look, i take vitamins. >> jimmy: yeah >> i take them i take tm every day, because m afraid to die and i'm stupid [ light laughter ] so, but every day i take my vitamins i look at them in my hand. >> jimmy: yeah i got vitamin b, vitamin d, vitamin c. and i look at them and in my heart, jimmy, i know these don't do anything.>> jimmy: right. [ light laughter ] you know -- you know -- yeah, they do nothing. >> but i'mn. m taking them. >> jimmy: yeah >> i'm taking them every day and so i'm in. so if i don't take them one morning and i drive somewhere,
i've actually gone back to my house ta take my stupid vins [ light laughter ] because in my mind i'm like, today" -going to happen >> jimmy: yeah >> -- "if i don't take them? am i going to get in a car accident?" and vitamin d stops accidents. >> jimmy: i did not know that. >> so it looks fantastic >> jimmy: yeah but my point it is it's like, it is kind of b.s. and you never know when someone's going to randomly dump some crap into your head. some guy you don't know that well or somebody you're just talking to them -- >> jimmy: yeah >> and out of nowhere they're going to say something like, "are you taking tumeric? [ light laughter ] >> and then you're like, "what tumeric? "yeah, you got to take tumeric and you're like, "tumeric? "yeah, tumeric "the spicelk are you taing about the spice? so he's like, "yeah, you got to taket,hat. "waihe spice that you buy once to make an indian recipe, and you never use it again and it stains your wooden spoon? that tumeric?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: stains you're spoon. yeah >> and he's like, "yeah, you got to be taking that. and i'm like, "no i don't. you know, like, in my mindth 's ridiculous. >> jimmy: yeah >> i'm just tired of all that hype around stuff. but, you know, i'm taking it, you know, and --
[ laughter ] well, he told me it was for inflammation and then i said, "what do you mean inflammation? he says, "you know, general inflammation." i'm like, "what is that? new bad thing that cauall the the other bad things, you know?" and then i'm like, "what about cholesterol? he's like, "well, it turns out that's good for you. [ laughter ] so like -- so i got to be honest, since i've been taking it i feel less inflamed.>> immy: wow. >> i do. i feel - >> jimmy: well, you look less inflamed >> jimmy: wow. you looked less inflamed >> less inflamed in a general way.im >> j: well, you look great thank you for coming back to our show >> nice to see you >> jimmy: i want to talk about your film. >> i know, it's exciting, isn't it >> yeah, the "sword of trust." >> yes >> jimmy: is this the name the film >> yeah. >> jimmy: what is it about >> it's funny. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's good. i want to get that right out front.ah >> jimmy: ye >> it's a funny movie. like, really a funny movie >> jimmy: i feel like -- when i watched it, i go, "this is taored made for marc maron >> well, that's because it is tailored made for me >> jimmy: it was >> the director, lynn shelton, this is her eighth film. and we worked together on a few tv projects. she directed my comedy special my last one. and she wanted to make a movie for me she wanted me to be in a movie we've been writing one for three years but we weren't finishing it
and i said, "well, go write another one. and she does, right?sa and she , "the idea came to me." she was driving past a pawn shop in santa monica and she's like, "that's where marc suld be he should be a pawn shop owner. i'm like, "how is that the thought? like, "marc should be in there with the sad items that people had to, you know, sell to save their lives. laughter ] they ran out of money -- just the abandoned things >> jimmy: they think it's you. >> yeah, just sad items. like, "why am i here someone loves me?" and i'm like, "yeah, okay, i fit. >> jimmy: yeah so the idea of the film is, it takes place in birmingham, alabama. on this, kind of, like, you know, kind of a --rs [ chee >> jimmy: yeah >> what? is the whole state here? >> jimmy: yes. it's wild. never heard this wow. gr it's a great -- it's a t city but, i'm there i'm sort of a transplant i've had a rough life. and i own this pawn shop and i'm kind of -- not a a cynical guy, but a little kind of -- i've accepted my lot in life. and i have this guy at works with me. and these two women that come in they're a couple and they've got a sword that one of them inherited from her grandfather.tc now the cato the sword is it -- they -- along with the
sword there were some documentation. and apparently this documentation proves that this union sword is somehow part of this truth -- not a conspiracy -- that proves that the south actually won the civil war. >> jimmy: wow! >> like, why aren't you laughing i mean - [ light laughter ] that's ridiculous. i mean, this is a great statement -- >> jimmy: yeah >> -- about the culture we live in that 90% of the audience is like, "i've heard that one i've heard that" - [ laughter ] i think that might be a true conspiracy it's not it's made up >> jimmy: you were never a a conspiracy theorist at all >> all right, there was a time, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah what did you believe >> well, it was before they became popular a popular way to dupe people into believing things. i -- >> jimmy: you liked it before people got on the bandwagon? >> no. way backke back when i was li- i was in this rabbit hole about the government, about the u.s. government i -- there was a lot of -- there's some old timey conspiracy theories, right >> jimmy: yeah >> so, like, there's a new world order. the trilateralnaommission, the illu, the free masons --
>> jimmy: that's right, yeah >> yeah, it was all connected. this is before i knew it led to jews are bad [ laughter ] so - >> jimmy: wow. >> being a jew was not something i wanted to be a part of >> jimmy: yeah >> but, here's what happened so, i'm with my buddy jim who works in d.c he's been working in d.c. for a obama, clinton, for t of presidents he's been there, like, most of his life and he's walking me around the government building. this right when i'm in the middle of the conspiracy thing and i just start rambling on about it like, "this is all garbage this is a mystical space the washington monument isit lined up wthe capital because it's satanic." like, was crazy, right [ laughter ] so i go on for, like, ten minutes with this hugeheory. and my friend jim is just looking at me. and i stop i take a breath and he goes, "people hereust aren't that organized. [ laughter ] that kind of nipped it in the butt >> jimmy: that's the end of that "oh, wow, i gueshe's right." well, i want to read the review the new york times gave you a really nice write-up they said, "marc maron delivers one of the year's best performances." >> thank you [ cheers and applause >> -- not bad.
♪ not bad. not bad. not bad. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip. here is marc maron in "sword of trust. take a look at this. >> so what's the big plan with the cash >> well, we want to -- i mean, eventually we want to have a a kid.w, >> a that's nice >> can't really do it on our own, you know? >> what, are you gng to buy a kid, buy sperm >> no. >> have one? >> i want cynthia. i mean, we talked abt it she'd carry. >> okay. so you're going to carry the kid, that's the plan >> i'm hoping if i can, you know >> you seems the more motherlyof the two of you. >> oh, doeshe? >> yeah. >> oh, that's -- thank you >> you're welcome. >> that's great. >> i thinke means it as a compliment >> well, it doesn't sound like nte compli >> i think you're two sides of the mother coin. like, you know, you just made me uncomfortable and i felt like i had done something wrong. and then i look at her, and i'm like, "it's going to be okay." >> yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and appuse >> jimmy: dude, you're right it's funny marc maron, everybody.nd [ cheers applause "sword of trust" is in select
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: be sure to watch our show tomorrow night. we're going to do our "tonight sh" summer read book club. kenan thompson will be here. [ cheers and applause joe manganiello will be here oh, boy. [ cheers and applause and we've got great music from robyn.t oh, i can'it for that. [ cheers and applause it's going to be a good show tomorrow night but first, we'll be right back with blake griffin, everybody. don't change the chael [ cheers and applause ♪
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♪ [ chrs and applause >> jimmy: our next guest is a power forward for the detroit pistons and a six-time nba all star on july 25th, he's hosting his annual fundraising eventor the team griffin foundation called "comedy by blake" at the "just for laughs" comedy festival please welcome blake griffin [ cheers and applause ♪
♪ >> jimmy: thank you so much for coming back to our show. and thank you for -- and congratulations by the way, on a great first season with the pistons. >> thank you >> jimmy: you did a great job. you went all the way to the playoffs [ cheers and applause >> yeah, thank youim >>: how is your offseason going? >> it's been good. >> jimmy: yeah >> i've been hanging out, enjoying some time off >> jimmy: what do you think about this whole deal -- free agcy that went kind of crazy. >> it is but honestly, man -- >> jimmy: with the nets and clippers >> almost everybody. >> jimmy: did you know about -- do people know about this stuff before it hits the news or - >> i feel like -- i mean, i find out about some of the stuff just as a fan. >> jimmy: you didn't know about any of these - >> some of the guys you kind of know you kind of hear some thingsi but s at the comedy store the other night. and when kawhi went to the clippers - >> jimmy: yeah >> i was -- my friend was on stage doing a set. and i was like -- it started happening, like, rolling in. he came off. he was like, "how is it?
i was like, "i don't know. [ laughter ] i thhuge." >> jimmy: "i'm on twitter right now. this is giant. yeah that's how you found out on is twitter? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. with everybody else >> jimmy: yeah [ light laughter ] but you -- you also love comedy i love that you love comedy. i what got yo comedy >> i think just, you know, from an early age watching comedy with my dad, "saturday night live."th and - >> jimmy: who were some of your favorites? [ laughter ] [ drum roll y >> on "saturdaght live?" >> jimmy: yeah >> well, i mean, obviously you have to ntion adam sandler >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] >> y were really great >> jimmy: oh, thank you so much oh, my gosh, you didn't have to say that ♪ [ cheers and applause you didn't have to say it. you didn't have to that at all oh, my gosh.wh are your favorite characters of mine [ laughter ] but then you started doing stand-up yourself? >> i did, man. i kind of stumbled into it i was going to go to "just for laughs" in montreal.i >> jimmy: ve "just for laughs." >> this was four years ago, i
think. and i had a call with the director and he was like, "you know, we should find somethin you to do. and he was like, "do you want to host the 'midnight surprise show?'" i was like, "yeah, sure." like, thinking i was just going to be like, "and now so and so."ah >> jimmy: ye >> and it turned out i had to do ten minutes so i had to go write ten minutes. and -- >> jimmy: what did you write >> just basketball, you know [ laughter ] the only thing i know, man >> jimmy: do what you know, man. yeah yeah, exactly and it worked out. and now i've written a whole new 15 minutes or so and i've been -- i worked on ita in l i'm going to go out tonight. and -- >> jimmy: that's fun >> yeah, we'll see how it goes >> jimmy: and so this thing is july 25th, i believe ifou go to the website, hahaha.com [ light laughter ] i can't believe they got that website. >> threeha's", yeah. >> jimmy: three "ha's" and go "comedy. by blake. get tickets to go see this have you ever been heckl >> not while i was doing comedy i get heckled all the time playing basketball [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just by fans yelling >> yeah, just fans especially on the road there was a guy one time -- like, one of my very of my very first games, in portland i was a rookie, just checked in
and this guy named kurt thomas was standing next to me.: >> jimmyre >> and it got so quiet in the arena. so everybody can hear this guy and he goes, "hey, blake, the coolest thing you've ever done is stand next to kurt thomas."la [ hter ] i was like - >> jimmy: that's pretty good >> yeah, i mean, at this point, yeah >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. he's right, yeah has it helped your basall at all doing standup? >> not really the physical part of basketball. [ lit laughter ] but definitely -- you know, like, after the game, you have to do media. and you have to sit at a press conference and answer questions. and i el like people always think athletes are really stupid and it's not that 're stupid it's just that we just exercised for two hours. and there's not really enough oxygen in our brains to -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: to answer >> o actually be able to -- >> jimmy: tricky questions >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah jimmy: surean i show you? >> all right, stand up for me. >> jimmy: okay >> you need just a little space. do you want to come here >> jimmy: sure >> all right what i want you to do - >> jimmy: okay >> run in place, jumping jacks, whatever you want. >> jimmy: okay >> for 15 seconds. and then, as soon as you're done, i'm just gng to ask you some questions
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: i see where this is going. going to commentate onit, i'm you're doing it. >> jimmy: oh, my -- this is the -- ♪ >> all right [ cheersarnd applause stoff really slow. all right. quick feet, by the way all right, jimmy >> jimmy: yeah >> tell me how you're feeling? tell me about how u're feeling about how you feel >> jimmy: i just - >> all right [ laughter ] and, one more time, how did you feel when you first started out there? >> jimmy: i don't -- >> see how stupid that sounds? [ laughter ] it's not - [ applause ] it's not our faultim >>: it's not your fault. it's not your fault. >> it's not our fault. >> jimmy: blake griffin, everybody. [ cheers and applause go to hahaha.com for tickets to dusty slay performs stand-up for us after the break stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ role of a car company?
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♪ a [ cheers andlause >> jimmy: our next guest has been named one of "variety" magazines 10 comics to watch and on august 6th, he'll be in nashville at the grand ole opry [ cheers ] everyone, please say hi to the veryunny dusty slay. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> all right all right. all right. okay we're having a good time [ light laughter ]ow you having a good time i'd like to tell people we're having a good time, you know i don't like to ask. a lot of comiccome out here.
and they go, "are we having a good time? not me i can't risk it. [ lighyolaughter ] know what i mean i like to let you know i am pumped to be here though. travel around a lot. i don't ways get the best hotels i stay at a lot of hotels. they're not always the best. i was in one recently and nothing worked the elevator didn't work finally got up to my room and the wifi didn't work so, i went back downstairs and i was like, "hey the wifi doesn't work." and he was like, "yeah, it's a a little shaky but the network name is ramadainn1." it was shakyhen i realized why because we weren't at a ramada inn. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] i could see the ramada inn through the window [ laughter ]t he was like, "buit works real good down here in the lobby. why don't you just use it here in the lobby?" you don't know what i ed wifi for. you know what i mean [ laughter ] okay, we're having a good time and -- let's not forget, we'revi ha a good time [ light laughter ] i was at one hotel and they had a sign inside the room that said, "not responsible for olen items."
so i took some stuff [ laughter ] noand then i'm like, "i'm t responsible either i don't even work here i've been needing a lamp with some plugs on it." [ laughter and applause it's hard to plug my stuff into a wall at home, you kn get a lamp i can plug some stuff into it's tough to find a lamp with usb ports on it. [ light laughter ] you find one, you take it. that's a rule.la [ ughter ]i was at a casino hotel one time and they had a sign in there had a list of everything you could steal. and how much it cost all right? that way iityou want to steal they'll just charge you right to yor account i guess to keep you from stealing right? but they had an ironing board on there for, like, $20. [ light laughter ] i was like, "that seems like ao a pretty good deal t." [ laughter ] you know what i mean, like, i don't buy a lost irong boards, so i don't know. but $20 seems cheap, right [ light laughter ] steal an ironing board from
a hotel. like, a towel i get. you can put that in your bag but an ironing b that's bold, right you're at check out, like, "nah, i had this when i came in." [ laughter ] yeah, it does look a lot like yours, but - [ laughter ] i always carry an ironing board with me. good thing, 'cause there's not one in that room [ laughter and applause we're having a good time [ laughter ] and i don't know how to iron, thou, you know like, i know how it works. you know, like, you plug it into the lamp, and then -- [ laughter ] okme, we're having a good ti i like to read bad hotel reviews. i read one recently. this guy was like, "this hotti room was so disgusng, there were bugs in the bed, blood in the carpet catch a disease.s going to and that continental breakfast was a joke i was like, "dude, you stuck around for breakfast?" [ laughter ] you got to get out of there,
man. you wouldn't do that at ie a s house, you know? you wouldn't be like, "oh, it's too gross to sleep let's check out the fridge." [ laughter and applause okay, all right. i hate staying at people's uses, though i like a hotel you know, you have to follow people's rules at their houses you n't know what to expect. you ever go to somebody's house and they got a dog that's barking at you, growling at you. and they go, "he won't bite. ] [ laughter it's like, "why do you think that?" "'cause he's never done it before?"be "well, may today is the day. [ light laughter ] 'cause he looks like he wants to bite. they're always like, "well, heo might lick you tath. i'm like, "death [ laughter ] who said anything about dying? [ laughter ] i'm just worried about being bitten i don't even know why you brought up death." [ laughter ] i justhink it's a weird idea, right? 'cause the dog looks like he wants to bite you. like, you show up at somebody's house d there's some gut in there with a knife and he's just doing like
this - [ laughter ] they're like, "he won't stab you. [ laught and applause he might lick you to death [ laughter ] yeah, he'll settle down in a a minute he's just not used to being around people. [ laughter ] all right.oo we're having a gtime thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ♪ho >> jimmy: that is you do it, right there. that is how you do it. dusty ay for more, go to dustyslay.com. my thanks to joel mchale, n. marc maron, blake duy slay, once again [ cheers and applause fantastic, buddy and the roots right there, from philadelia, pennsylvania stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a gre night i hope to see you tomorrow
[ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in rk new yo, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- jesse eisenberg, star of "animal kingdom," actress emily deschanel, a performance from kate tempest. featuring the 8g band with raghav mehrotra. ♪ [ rs and applause ladiesnd gentlemen, seth meyers. seth: good evening. m seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause good to hear in that case, let's get to the news new video has surfaced showing president trump conversing andnc joking with fir jeffrey epstein, who is facing multiple sexual assault charges