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tv   Late Night With Seth Meyers  NBC  July 11, 2019 12:37am-1:38am EDT

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[ applause ] [ applause ] >> announcer: live from 30 rockefeller plaza it's "lat night with seth meyers." jokes that seth can't tell, plus terry crews. and john listenerer. ladies and gentl, seth meyersse [ applau ] >> seth: i'm seth meyers we're live it is 125 a.m. this is "late night."in how's everybody tonight? in that case, let's get to the news tonight was the first democratic presidential debate between elizabeth warren, cory booker,
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your middle school vice principal, the lady who kept your frisbee, the guy your mom dated after the divorce, and three bill de blasios. so it was quite a field. [ applause ] senator elizabeth warren was the only candidate appearing in tonight's debate who has been polling in double digits but to be fair bill de blasio also gets double digits. during tonight's debate, beto o'rourke answered a portion of and then he answered t next ish. question in tonight's deatic debate featured questions sent in by viewers, which explains why rachel maddow asked cory booker why isn't "chicagoed" on
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senator elizabeth warren said re the next pdent needs to have the courage to take on the giants which was awkward because bill de blasio was right next to heir former representative john delaney appeared confused when to give a closing statt.ndidate even i forgot i was here [ applause ] i mean it might have been why am i here according to reports, former vice president joe biden requires that his enid speaking gements accommodate him with raspberry sorbet and he asked for the angel hair just to smell it
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president trump today attacked meagan latino for saying she wouldn't attends the white house if they win the women's world cup. i'm a big fan but she should win first before she finishes the job. the only time you' ever said mia hamm is when you're ordering dinner mia ham and her a chicken. you wanted a chicken, right? her a fish and finally according to new research an octopus's arms makes decisions independently from eir brain. same, says joe biden ladies and gentlemen, we have a fantastic show tonight he's the host of "america's got talent" currely in its 14th season on nbc. our friend terry cruz.
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and his stand out special is fantastic. it's currently streaming on netflix. anthony jeselnk so hpy that you're talking to him. guests, 10, count themantastic democratic candidates squared af in the presidential debate for more, it time for a closer look donald trump is cotitutionally incapable of sharing the spotlight with anyone. so are democratic taking the stage. he went to something called the faith and freedom conference to gurgal up old man nonsense >> we said merry christmas, you remember i usually save flat november, december but i was thinking they're all taking it down off the department's doors, everything happy holidays
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they're saying merry christmas again, it's interesting. our president may not be the best at the bible, he may not have read it 2,000 times but he's the best for us my wife watched. i said, you have to see this it's great inventionit called tivo you know it's like better than you never see itse television i played it back >> seth: oh, my god get me off this cruise shipis his a presidential speech or bingo night? this guy shouldn't be standing behind a presidential seal, he should be wandering down the hallway of a group home with a screaming, donald, youwn is on backwards [ cheers and applause i'm sorry. you just heard about tivo? trump's brain is permanently stuck in 1989. have you heard this new food
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called go-gurt it's a game changer. he wasore off kilter with the democratic debate looming and robert mueller's agreed to testify before congress next month. and it clearly got in trump's head because he called up and rambled about mueller. trump was referring to unearthed text messages between two fbi agents having an affair. >> robert mueller, they worked for him,nd the two lovers were together, and they had texted back and forth >> how come we haven't seen all? you gave william barr -- >> he terminated them illegallyr he tnated the emails he terminated all of the stuff robert mueller terminated their text messages together he terminated them they're gone
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and that's illegal >> seth: deleted the word you're looking for is deleted. my god, man, go back to watching tivo and now you're accusing robert mueller of a crime look at this guy his lifever jaywalked in robert mueller gives speeding tickets by chasing them on foot. now this was just the first of two debates with 10 more heduled thursday there are now a total of 24 democrats running for president. there are so many people you didn't notice one of them is guy and he's defely more qualified than donald trump because heat he's the mayor of flavor town.y. great bowling al
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terrible schools of course -- we'll cut out that. cut out the flavor town joke i fought for all day live [ laughter ] of course with ten people on the stage, the candidates knew to stand out, which is why they were preparing in different ys to make their case as concise and effective as possible. >> senator elizabeth warren and her rivals are busy. o warren has focusedboiling down her position to fit the time constraints senator amy klobuchar has spent time watching the 2016 debates to s how president trump and his gop rivals stood out in this >> you're studying t's debate to see how he stood up? which one did you watch? did you watch the time where trump and ben carson missed
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their cues and got stuck in the hallway of the debate stage? or in the case where he stood out literally. and the two guys who ended up in the federal government are the debate into an escape sidential seriously what lessons can you learn from the debate or perfnces limit your vocabulary to four words, and if you get lost, remember to act natural and stair directly into the camera, like you're having your portrait drawn. [ cheers and applause now before the debate, the candidates also showed up, checked out the debate stage who got stuck spotting a casual look >> he's doing his walk through that's going to be happening through the course of the day. there's tim ryan wearing his cap backwards. >> seth: uh.
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hera guys, there aren't came here now, right? did you get confused and think this way your office softball game you look like you should be om slamming stall boys at red sox game most democrats seemed to enjoy talking about policy and thecr campaign has been inibly substantive. kamala harris has a plan for households and senator e-elizabeth warren was so excited to discuss the plan to tax the wealthy that she could hardly contain herself >> thank you, senator warren for being here how the do you plan to make sure the rich pay their fair share of the taxes? >> whoa!ho >> seth: w taxes that question was elizabeth warren's mardi gras. i've seen more than walking up to chris cuomo at a party and
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sawing do you know anything about cross fit?po while the s have stayed mostly flat, warren was stock has been rising and that's thught the attention of bohe democratic front runner, joe biden and president trump. >> new polling shows warren's economic message is resonating with voters. in the latest nbc news "wall street journal" poll, 26% say they're enthusiastic that's a six-point bump from last month it might explain why biden'sdl team is also reportegetting worried about her rise, and president trump's campaign is zet ing in on the threat tha she could pose >> come on, donald trump doesn't zero in. if anythinhe zeros out and i can't imagine zeroing on elizabeth warren she was running to catch a train at penn station. can you imagine if tru was late for a train mike pence would have to carry
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him on his back like a tired 4-year-old with warren the obvious stand out, the other candidates ar looking for ways to shine, and beto o'rourke settled on a strategy of going bilingual right out of the gate. >> this economy has got to work for everyone and right w we know that it isn't. it's going to take all of us coming together to make sure that it does [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: i mean, i knew he was going to bust out in spanish, i just didn't know it was going to be that quickly. remember you only have one bullet so make sure you see the wife and bang. and check out cory booker's face afr beto's answerer. [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: now, now you might think that'she face of the guy thinking i can't believe you're pandering by speaking spanish, but it's actually the face of a guy thinking oh, man, i was
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going to do that [ speaking foreign language] >> seth: not only do i applaud them speaking spanish, you know everyone in tomorrow's debate is who doesn't speak spis going to spend the whole day cramming the question they want answered is - [ speaking foreign language w, beto, beto has been struggling in the polls despite being engaged in senate campaign against ted cruz >> congressmen delaney, do you agree? >> i think we need do real things to help american workers and erican people. >> seth: quick question. who are you?
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you look like you were supposedn to b lawn chair commercial during the break, but they accidentally let you stay. there was tim ryan who seemed quite surprised he got a question >> and promised that manufacturing jobs wereler coming back to places like your home state of ohio can you make that same promise >> yes, i believe you can. l >> tim ryan alwaysks like his dog just talked. rusty, did you just say good morning? then the debate moderators gave the policy question who would with abolish their private alth insurance >> who here would abolish their private health insurance in favor of a government-run plan >> seth: not only did warren
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raise her hand, check out mayor bill de blasio 's got to be so happy he raised his hand with when warren did. it's like when you take the sats and peek at the it top student's test and you have the same answer >> would you replace private insurance? >> no, i think the choice is fundamental to - >> congressman o rourke, private insurance is not working for ten oz of millions of americans when you talk about the co pays, the deductibles, the out of pocket expenses it's not working it's not working >> they can choose medicare -- >> you've got to start by working for peoplesystem is not >> look at those two they look like stock brokers who got too drunk at happy hour. jets play guys that gofrom york the new york jets. >> mayor de blasio it ways trying to get a word in so mh
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that he was yelling over the moderator. >> put the american people first. >> we're out of time -- mayor de blasio, we'll have more. the commercial is coming >> that's so new york. it's like when you're trying to talk to someone as the subway doors are closing. what did you call me what did you say, pal? i'm referring to a time when the subway doors in the city closed. it was a substantive edition and after about an hour of complex questions from everything to gun control to health -- tweeting boring ppt -- i'm sorry, are you not entertained culigula utsay we should send you o there to spice things up but you'd probably just get stuck il the y. this escape room is boring don't you are es all most americans are dieing for things
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to be boring for a while i fantasize about the day i turn on cnn and there's a ban that says no breaking news. things were also a little weird when the debate switched to the second hour turned weirder f the moderators >> 30 seconds for a follow up and we will be ruthless if necessary. >> yeah, we can do that. by the way how are you doing >> fine, how are you >> we know you know each other the candidates each get nine u'seconds to speech and yo chatting it up like old college friends. it's like they were waiting for somebody to come by and steak their order. but then what's they got their small talk out of the way, they were ready to go to with a transition to the next portion of the debate. >> many are calling for a reparations to an assault weapons ban. should there be a role for the federal government -
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>> everybody's mics are on i heard that too i think we had a mic issue in the ba >> control room -- >> yeah, we have the audio - >>hat's happening? >> we're hearing our colleague's audio. if the control room could turn off the mic. if the control room could turn off the mics of our previous moderators >> you know we prepared for everything we did not prepare for this. >> we're going to take a quick break, get this technical situation fixed. we'll be right back. sp>> seth: maybe you have t more time checking the audio and less time saying hello to each other.wa i'm surprised en didn't bust out a tool kit, "i can fix it." p[ cheers and applause ] and of course, our tv game show host president who has nothing to say about policy, had pley say saying nbc news and msnbcho news sd be ashamed of a
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technical break doun during the debate boring hey man, i wouldn't be tweeting about technical glitches you think tivo inew technology, i wouldn't be tweeting about technology. they should have used a zunes i know he wavoing that moment many times. melania, watch chuck todd get interrupted. how will you get your agenda passed if there's a republican congress they asked warren if she had an idea of of dealing with that >> do you have a plan to dl withith mitch mcconnell? [ cheersnd applause >> i do. [ applause ] >> seth: damn. if mitch mcconnell were capablef eeling human motion, he'd be terrified right now. that's the moment everyone else wondered, maybe i should just go that was like when the matriarch
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of a southern dynasty stood up when warren said that, booker's face got permanently stuck likeh and ryan's hat got glued back on his head who's running a campaign focused primarily on climate change. tried to get the attention of the moderators and then made it weird. >> governor, you're going to be happy with where we go governor insley, the next question is for you. you got me >> seth: he's like the corny dad at thearty who wants to make sure everyone's had enough to drink. chad, i'm watching you buddy when that drink runs out, i'm getting you a refill, chad they showed us that a substantive campaign focussed on issue and terminating emails is possible but it proved once again there' a reason "jeopardys three
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contestants and not ten. if you missed tonight's debate, don't worry the president has a high tech solution for how you can watch it >> there's a great new invention. it's called tivo this has beea closer look. we'll be here right back [ cheers a applause ♪ >> announcer: for more of seth's "closer looks" be sure to subscribe to "late night" on youtube. try target same day delivery.
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>> seth: welcome back, you know here at "late night" every night i deliver a monologue, comprised of jokes written by diverse field of female writers. desk that as a straight white my male it would be difficult for me to deliver but we don't think that should stop you from enjoying them. so a segment we like to call kes seth can't e are two of my writers. >> i'm black >> and i'm gay >> and we're both women. >> and i'm not i'll lead the set up for these jokes and they'll read the punch line here we go in honor of lgbt pride month, bud lite will be selling rainbow colored bottles.ks >> well thanaid, mostly the l's.
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>> seth: a street in los angeles was recently renamed barack obama boulevard >> if it'sbeot, it's about to >> seth: ireland has banned an antigay preacher from entering the country. t >> his name is pope. >> seth: rolling stone published a book about a visit to a white nationalist cookout. >> that's terrible says a person eating at the white nationalist cookout. no, i've eaten it before on a dare i got $10. refinery29 recently posted a list of possible wedding gifts for lesbian brides >> a lesbian bride is like a straight bride except she's experienced orgasm
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trueh: >> setfter a seven-year absence, nbc announced they're bringing back their genealogy se es "who do you think you are?." >> but this time they're calling it "surprise you're related to slave owners"" >> seth: this next joke is about puerto ricans. it was announced briefly that oprah has donated $3 million tof relifforts in puerto rico. >> i'm glad she did that but when is she going to get married. >> come out. >> seth: how did you come t? >> i just showed up with ali rainbow colored bud bottle. >> seth: nbc has ordered a new spin off called "law and order hate crime." >> it's just body camera footage. just kidding they turn the body cams off for that stuff >> seth: ha-ha
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i'm glad you're charming [ laughter ] officials in florida yesterday pulled over a woman hiding a foot-long alligator iner yogo pants. >> to be fair it's the only form of birth control her insurance would cover. >> seth: w a pants alligator.u >> hey >> seth: an ice cream chain in new york city created a b so-called gelatoger, with gelato between two chocolate buns >> and if you want to know what sweet cholate buns look like, marry me [ applause ] >> is there one? >> seth: no, i don't think i should i don't think it will end well okay i trust you both
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an ohio bar is selling a period themed margarita it's like a regular margarita s except it'ting like total pitch right now. nota i unders now the kind of joke you're looking for, and i have recalibrated taste let me try again the bbc recently published an article called new lesbians need new safe places. they already have a bunch. they're called super cuts. >> how dare yo >> seth: you told me it would be okay >> you should be ashamed of yourself >> seth: black women and lesbians are liars we'll be rht back with terry crews everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪ we run right into these crises,v and we do not lee until normalcy is restored.
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need help paying for college? so does... everyone. strayer s graduation fund. finish your bachelors degree and save up to 25% with tintion-free classes your last year. ♪ >> seth: welcome back everupody. give ior the 8g band right over there also joining us on the drums om the legendary rock band, the super chunks, and he can
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also be heard on the new album "mountain goats in league with dragons." thank you so much for being here our next guest a an actor, former nfl player, you know from "brooklyn 99" and the "expendables." he hosts "america's got talent" on nbc our friend, terry crews, everybody. [ applause ] ♪ >> seth: oh we thought to ouves who can we book for a live show that's on at 12:37 at night who's not going to be tired? terry crews. >> exactly, that's right
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i'm going to the workout after thisi ually wake up about 3:00 to go to the gym so it's perfect. >> seth: so you're hosting "americas got talnet." >> yeah. >> seth: as a host, how do you think you would do hosting the debates night? >> i would literally liven the sucker up. come on, elizabeth warren, tell them what you got. it's a cage match. >> seth: give them more energy >> i would make them arm wrestle. they would basically be wrestling each other a lot of games, rching in the face take that. >> seth: i feel like if you start with 10, let's end with eight. >> right, somebody should not survive. and that would keep everybod focused in competitive persont a >> i believe competition is the opposite of creativity it's ridiculous toe. i was in the nfl
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i did the whole -- entertainmen thin all about competing with each other, but i discovered is that that whole this leaves everyone broken and bloody i decided to walk off and do my own thing and stay creative and that's where i found my goal >> seth: that's fantastic. >> yes >> seth: and yet you find yourself hosting a competition >> yes well, erica wants blood, seth. first of all "america's got talent" uld easily be an exhibition they want people to go home. they want people to die. that's why i would literally say someone has to be killed i'm so sorry i didn't vote on this. >> seth: did you das a talent show something you did as a kid? >> first of all, growing up in flint, michigan, my mom -- yes, my mom w very religious. i was not allowed to listen to secular music, play sports,
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everything i do today i was not allowed to do. so what s crazy is she wouldn't let me perform in a talent show. said no, no.and begged and she and i said well, can i host itwa and she like oh, damn. okay and let me tell you i hosted my high school talent show, and not knowing that that would be my future, that i would eventually grow up to host the world's biggest talent show. it's serendipity >> seth: you did not go straight from the nfl to acting you had some time in between and i've read that you were ec ice cube's sity guard. >> it wasn't even ice cube security i was like i cube's car security i was like ice cube's car security watch car nothing better happen to my car and i'm like i got you it wasn't sexy
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it wasn't nice actually was security on "next friday" and ended up in "friday after next."is which razy i did the third movie. and i just thank him for this day. >> seth: when you showed up for "friday after next" did he whremember you as the guy used to watch his car >> totally he's like you're that dude that used to wash the car i'm going to tell you this he watched me in "training day" as an extra he's like i really liked "training day" the way you were standing there, muscles glistening g and heave me a part. every time i see cube, i'm like hi, sir. oh, dam. even though i'm acting, i'm doing my thing, he's still my boss psychologically it never changes >> seth: certain things never do a few times he's been here he's a lovely person to talk to, but i can't believe i'm talking to him. >> i want to watch his car i'm going to watch it right now.
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>> seth: i want to ask about "brooklyn 99" congratulations. i'm so happy - [ cheers and applause obviously you mostly shoot in l.a. and now being in new york, do people recognize you more, and appreciate it's a show abo brooklyn >> first of all my daughter lives in brooklyn, and i make her take me places so i can geto ized oh, hi it's "brooklyn 99" and i'm like yeah, i do that show >> seth: does your daughter know what you're doing? >> she's like, no, dad, you need to stay inside but let's just walk down the street, please >> seth: you deserve it. >> i know, thank you >> seth: you deserve it. congratulations on "america's got talent", "brooklyn 99," and thank you have so much for beini here in show. it's always such a pleasure.
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>> seth: our next guest is a comedian/writer whose latest special "fire in the maternity ward" is screening on netflix. please welcome anthony jeselnik, everyone ng>> seth: thank you for b here live. >> thank you for not making me dance on to the stage. i saw terry before i was like, i do not have that kind energy. >> seth: we thought you would be a nice counterbalance. >> seth: you are one ogether favorite joke writers. there so many jokes in it.
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a lot of jokes about kids. do you ever yourse think about having kids? >> i used to not i enjoy my freedom and my money, but then i actually had some friends -- i'm friends with a lesbian uple this is a story about lesbians you had me on live tv. you knew what you were doing they came to me, and we were like, we want to have a baby, and we asked one of our friends, and he said i don't think i could be a father in that way where i have a baby in the world but i'm not around in its life, and i said well, you just hit the jackpot. because there is nothing, nothing i would like more than to have a baby and have nothing to do with it ever i'm in for sure. they're like great we're going to go through a lawyer it's an official thing okay, lawyer emails mehe he syas 's the contract. i'm going to call you tomorrow
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next day lawyer calls, says did you read the contract? i said, i didn't even finish the email. what do you need besides my d she says i got to ask you first, are you married no, but wouldn't that be hilarious if i was if i dn't want to cheat, i just wanted the consequences [ laughter ] no, i'm not married. i say are you in a sexual relationship with this couple? with my married lesbian friends who have dedicated their les to proving they're not into that no, i'm not. that's a stud question she says, do you have a plan to get into a sexual relationship of course i do [ laughter ] ke i know how i would do it if i had to
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you knowridiculous question. next she says now they own the sperm. are you okay with them throwing out the extra once they're pregnant absolutely not [ laughter ] e u keep that in your purs forever as a reminder. final question she says, if they have extra sperm, are they allowed to sell it to other women who want to have your baby that's how they get you. i'm like, there's no way i'm tting my sperm on the open market there would be riots the lawyer says, well, twogs thinou're not allowed to talk about this. [ laughter it's like, sure. don't stay up too late
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and i'm not allowed to tell the child that i'm the father. they can say that, but i'm not i'm ke, i'm never talking to the kid. don't worry about it she says remember, you're not allod to release or have sex for five days before each deposit three times. e?m like can i give you th you know what i mean have you ever had someone ask to have sex with you, and had to say no, i'm trng to get someone else pregnant? that conversation does not go well and there are follow-up questions out the wazoo. it's not worth it. so i go three times to make the deposit. actually, anthony, our other friend we asked first changed his mind, and now he's going tot be father. and again i've never wanted kids in my life, but now this is
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about pride, seth. now i'm furious. if they want to go and have a garbage baby [ laughter ] when they cod be having my baby my sperm is just sitting in a bank frozen when it could be earning interest >> seth: i'm so sorry that they put you through this >> i know. >> seth: well, someone out thero fully is going to get their hands on it one day. >> i'm going to have so many babies, seth i want a science baby. i don't want a sex baby. you have to love them and take them to college. a science baby i don't know the difference between that and teddy ruxpin. i don't have to love it if it's a science baby i want 23 and me to call and say what's going on over there >> seth: before you go you finished a show called "good talk." very exciting. it's going to be on comedy central? >> yeah, comedy central, september, friday nights at
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11:00.s, kind of like thinly i get to talk to my friends [ laughter ] >> seth: ha-ha >> i don't have to deal with any johnny off the street. it's my friends. we're talking about comedy it's a lot of fun. anthony jeselnick everybody. "fire in the maternity ward" is streaming now. thanks for bng here. we'll be right back. gig-speed internetney, this is ridiculously fast. we are seriously keeping up with the joneses. keeping up is with the ford's.t. keeping up with the garcia's. the romeros. patels. the wahh-the-wahh wolanske's. right. no one is going to have internet like this. xfinity makes keeping up with the joneses
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simple. easy. awesome. nt gig-speed internet? we've got you covered. nt gig-speed internet? or check out our other amazing speed options at new low price. get started now for as low as $29.99 a month. call, click or visit a ste today. so, why isn't education? raise your hand if you could use an education that's actually modern, actually affordable, and actuallynal? if you're on aof the 35 millionricans, who hasn't finished your degree, elll, strayer is here to hp. welcome to the future of education.
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during the great american tent sale at sears. save up to 30% off applia. this kenmore fridge for twelve ninety-nine ninety-nine. plus, you get $300 cashback in points over twenty weeks. shop in ore or at to start making your summer moments matter. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> seth: my thanks to terry crews, anthony jeselnek, d the 8g band. thanks for watching. we'll see you tomorrow [ cheers and applause ♪
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