Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  February 12, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST

11:35 pm
and now abc's "jimmy kimmel live." >> dicky: from hollywood it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- george clooney. plus dave salmoni and animals. with cleto and the cletones. and now, most of all, here's jimmy kimmel!
11:36 pm
>> jimmy: i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thanks for watching. thanks to all of you for coming. [ cheers and applause ] i'm so happy that you dressed. groundhog day. happy groundhog day. punxsutawney phil did not see his shadow this morning, which means one of two things. either spring will come early this year or punxsutawney phil is a vampire. [ laughter ] this is the big announcement. it was made very early this morning from a place called gobbler's knob. >> is this weather more than a trend? perchance this winter has come to an end. there is no shadow to be cast! an early spring is my forecast! >> what the hell is wrong with you people? [ bleep ]. get your finger out of my ass!
11:37 pm
punxsutawney phil has been right 13 times, been wrong 15 times. it's almost as if this whole thing is meaningless. [ laughter ] you know, we have a great show for you tonight. george clooney is here with us tonight. [ cheers and applause ] coen brothers is called "hail caesar." gentleman dave salmoni with his wild animal friends. [ cheers and applause ] he brought with him a bobcat and there's a good chance tonight turns into a scene from "the revenant." [ laughter ] if you have any beef jerky in your pockets, empty them now. dave also brought a groundhog. and you know, we do groundhog's day a little bit differently here in los angeles. in fact, let's go to dave and his groundhog now. hey, dave, how are you doing? >> hey, jimmy. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: so the groundhog -- i guess the groundhog's name is buttercup? >> this is buttercup. this little hole here. >> jimmy: so the way the l.a.
11:38 pm
when buttercup comes out of the hole if she goes for the quinoa we get an early spring but if she goes for the kale we're in for a few more weeks of winter. all right? all right. so dave, put those down on the ground and let's wait and see what happens when buttercup comes -- hopefully comes out of her faux log home. >> jimmy: is buttercup in there for sure? >> yeah, she's in here. >> jimmy: okay. now it's unfair to the quinoa what you're doing. >> i'll show her both. there's lots of delicious fake grass out here for her to -- >> she's undecided as far as weather goes it seems. >> jimmy: why do the groundhogs come out of the hole on tv in pennsylvania and not here? >> i think you just made a comfortable little faux house for her. she's getting ready to attack in an evil way. [ laughter ] >> luckily for you we're far, >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. okay.
11:39 pm
experiment. [ laughter ] >> i can eat the kale. [ applause ] >> jimmy: i don't know what that means. thanks, dave, we'll see you a little later. dave brought a bunch of animals with him. for those of you in our studio audience, remember, this is very important because there are safety concerns. if one of the animals gets loose you don't have to run fast. you just have to run faster than guillermo. [ laughter ] speaking of animals, the national chicken council has released something called the wing report in which they estimate that americans will eat a record 1.3 billion chicken wings during the super bowl this year. i didn't know there was a national chicken council. i'd like to imagine a group of chickens gathered around a conference table making decisions about things. and i wonder if turkeys are secretly happy about all the chicken wings we eat on super bowl sunday. they're like, yeah, that's how we feel on thanksgiving.
11:40 pm
media day. this is where the reporters gather en masse to get word from the coaches and players. deion sanders, who was a player, is now a broadcaster, got a one-on-one with panthers quarterback cam newton who first of all cam newton gave his baby the greatest name since jermaine jackson named his son jermajesty. it's a spectacular name. but he also made a claim that rivals, even those made about deceased korean dictator kim jong il. >> the car wreck a year ago as well as the newborn son, how does that change your life? >> man, it puts everything into perspective. everything. i was going to bring lachosen with me but i didn't think he could walk down the steps yet. he's already walking if you didn't know. >> jimmy: his child's name is chosen. kanye must be kicking himself for not coming up with that. [ cheers and applause ] named his son saint, you know.
11:41 pm
named the baby fig. i would have. [ laughter ] you think about it, free cookies for life. last night as i'm sure you know was caucus night in iowa. ted cruz was the winner on the republican side. he got 28% of the vote. donald trump, who was expected to win, came in second with 24%. and marco rubio is right behind him. he had 23%. to come in third. which is pretty good considering the fact that most iowa voters think that marco rubio is a game you play in the swimming pool. [ laughter ] but congratulations to ted cruz on the surprise win. he's now -- i think he's now the president of iowa, isn't that how it works? [ laughter ] donald trump gave a very humble concession speech, which was unexpected. but this morning on twitter i think he went through sort of a reverse grieving process. let's go through these tweets because they start with acceptance. he said, "my experience in iowa was a great one. it started out with all the experts saying i couldn't do well there. i ended up in second place. nice." then he started rationalizing. he said "because i was told i
11:42 pm
spent very little time there, a fraction of cruz and rubio. came in a strong second. great honor." next this one came moments later. denial. "the media has not covered my long shot great finish in iowa fairly. brought in record voters and got second highest vote total in history." and finally, anger. "i don't believe i've been given any credit by the voters for self-funding my campaign. the only one i will keep doing but not worth it." [ laughter ] so why keep doing it if it's not worth it? he's mad because we're ungrateful about how much money he spent on his own campaign. [ laughter ] [ applause ] poor donald trump. this has got to kill him. the only person i feel sorrier for than donald trump today is the person who had to tell him last night. wonder who that was. i would have sent his daughter in. she's pregnant. so maybe he'd be calm when she entered. but meanwhile jeb bush is -- he
11:43 pm
of the vote. he reportedly spent upwards of $2,800 per vote. in other words, for every vote he got he could have purchased nine hoverboards. [ laughter ] there's a photo finish for the democrats. hillary clinton edged out bernie sanders 49.8% to 49.6%. hillary did especially well among women, and she swept the african-american vote in iowa. she got both of those votes. [ laughter ] [ applause ] there was not much in the way of diversity last night. look. this is real. this is from the cnn entrance poll. among whites cruz beat trump and rubio by a few points. among blacks, hispanics, and other, n/a. look at the percentages. you got percentage white, 97%. zero percent black. and next they're headed to new hampshire, which is kind of the same thing. it's like let's give the white people a couple weeks to vote. then we'll start finding out what everyone else thinks.
11:44 pm
so iowa is finished. cruz and clinton are victorious. mike huckabee and martin o'malley dropped out of the race. and it's always sad when you drop out of a race no one knew you were running in. [ laughter ] martin o'malley will now return to his -- you know his regular job is he's the guy on the cover of the "just for men" box. [ laughter ] ted cruz, after ted cruz won he gave an hour-long victory speech thanking god and saying his win was a victory for judeo-christian values. on sunday he called on voters in iowa to awaken the body of christ by voting for him. it actually worked out pretty well. marco rubio and donald trump have been doing the same thing. god is a very important part of this primary election. most all of the candidates go out of their way to talk about the bible and their faith. so we thought it would be interesting to take real quotes from the primary candidates. these are things these guys actually said. and we want to get an idea of what they would sound like from the mouth of jesus. [ laughter ]
11:45 pm
read by jesus himself. >> you don't lock your doors because you hate the people on the outside. you lock your doors because you love the people on the inside. [ applause ] >> the fact is that we need appropriate vetting and i don't think that orphans under 5 should be admitted into the united states at this point. [ applause ] >> you don't stop bad guys by taking away our guns. you stop bad guys by using our guns. [ applause ] >> look at that face. i mean, would anybody vote for that? uh. >> i would bomb the [ bleep ] out of them. i'd just bomb those suckers. >> the other thing is with the terrorists you have to take out their families. [ applause ] >> i'll take the votes of everyone who likes machine guns and bacon. [ applause ] >> i will build a wall. it will be a great wall. >> usa!
11:46 pm
>> jimmy: we have to take a break. when we come back, something very special. with their homework. it's fun and educational. so stick around. we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] man, i might just chill tonight. puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... puppy... ...monkey... ...baby ...puppymonkeybaby... puppymonkeybaby... mountain dew kickstart. dew. juice. caffeine. you get a cold. you can't breathe through your nose. suddenly, you're a mouthbreather. well, just put on a breathe right strip which instantly
11:47 pm
than cold medicine alone. shut your mouth and say goodnight mouthbreathers. breathe right
11:48 pm
nuts. silky smooth dark chocolate. revel in the pleasure of new dove fruit and nut. out of the town or in for the night, at&t helps keep everyone connected. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. like the samsung galaxy s6. buy one get one free. no matter how you hang out, share every minute of it. right now at at&t, buy one get one free on our most popular smartphones. ba da ba ba ba shopping for an suv? well, this is the time. and your ford dealer is the place, to get 0% financing for 60
11:49 pm
that's right. just announced. ford explorer...edge...escape... and expedition... are available with 0% financing for 60 months. ford suvs. designed to help you be unstoppable. no wonder ford is america's best selling brand. but hurry, 0% financing for 60 months on ford suvs is a limited time offer.
11:50 pm
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hello there. welcome back. george clooney, dave salmoni, and a whole noah's ark worth of animals are backstage now. but first it's learning time. i believe that children are our -- fuel source is it? what are they? our future. anyway. i believe children are our future. so guillermo and i, when we're
11:51 pm
co-host a show on pbs to help kids with their homework. kids can call in questions and we help them. we've been doing this for, what about 35 years now? >> guillermo: yeah. >> jimmy: yeah. something like that. and we thought it might be fun to share some of what we do with you tonight. with that said grab a pencil and your trapper keeper. it's time for a lesson from the homework helper guys. science and geography mathematics and anatomy physicianics and biology if you want to get wise call the homework helper guys >> jimmy: well, hello, everybody. good afternoon. i'm mr. kimmel. this is mr. guillermo. we are the homework helper guys. and our video chat lines are open. let's go to them right now, shall we, guillermo? >> sure. >> jimmy: oh, i see we have a couple of students on screen right now. what are your names? >> my name is john. i am a sixth-grader. and -- >> jimmy: is this your wife? john, is this your wife?
11:52 pm
>> no! >> what kind of question is that? >> jimmy: well, i thought it was a reasonable question. this is not your wife. what is your name? >> mattie. >> jimmy: mattie and john. nice to meet you. can we help you with any homework-related issues? or maybe you're having some kind of relationship issues. have you been fighting at all? >> well, you'd be surprised. >> normal. >> jimmy: what was the last fight you had? >> probably about 20 seconds ago. >> jimmy: oh. what were you fighting about? >> shoving each other. >> jimmy: oh, yeah. you should never, ever shove each other, right? >> never. >> jimmy: never shove each other. and john, i see you wear glasses. do you consider yourself to be a nerd? >> no. >> jimmy: no. okay. he says he's not a nerd. >> we don't have that kind of thing at my school. >> jimmy: we used to have it at my school. believe me. have you ever got a wedgie? >> nope. >> jimmy: never had one, huh? you ever give one to another kid? >> why would i? >> jimmy: things have really changed. >> yeah.
11:53 pm
do you know what a swirlie is? >> jimmy: a swirlie's when you take one of your friends, you stuff his head in the toilet bowl. and then you flush the toilet bowl and his hair gets all swirly like an ice cream cone. >> okay, then. >> jimmy: what can we help you with other than that? >> so your brother is traveling 100 -- 117 miles -- >> jimmy: wait. where's my brother -- where's he going? >> that's not in the question. >> actually, it is in the question. >> oh. he is -- he travels in 2.25 hours to get home for school break. >> jimmy: hold on a second. my brother's in his late 30s. [ laughter ] so he's not in school anymore. so i really don't know what's going on. i mean, he has children of his own. this question makes no sense. do you have another -- do you have any other questions?
11:54 pm
your nephew. >> jimmy: my nephew is too young to drive. >> i never said he was driving. >> jimmy: yeah, but i think you can reasonably assume that, right? >> yeah. he's only 5. >> jimmy: i see why you guys fight so much. what other questions do you have there? any reasonable questions we can answer? >> yeah. >> jimmy: what is it? >> the economy of the north at the time of the civil war was primarily blank. >> jimmy: that's true. [ laughter ] it was primarily blank. because there were no stores back then. there was no walmart. there's no kmart, no target stores. so the economy was primarily blank. i'm going to say that's true. okay. >> no, no. you have to fill in the blank. >> jimmy: oh. it needs to be filled in. >> yeah. >> jimmy: well, let's fill it with -- let's fill it with like a raspberry jelly. i always like that. [ laughter ] all right, guys?
11:55 pm
i hope we were able to help. and good luck at school. okay? >> okay. >> jimmy: really nice couple. how long did they say they were married? how long did you guys say you were married? >> we're not! we're brother and sister. >> jimmy: i don't know. >> ten years. >> jimmy: i think they said ten years. something like that. [ laughter ] thanks again, young people. and thanks to everyone who's watching. we are the homework helper guys. and remember, kids. if you don't do your homework, you're going to hell. if you want to be wise call the homework helper guys [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: thanks, kids. tonight on the show, dave salmoni is here with fierce animals, and we'll be right back with george clooney. [ cheers and applause ] to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain?
11:56 pm
things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me. but only if you have a brain. getting unlimited data for your family is a struggle. other carriers either don't offer it, or it's too expensive! not t-mobile! introducing the best data plan ever! get three lines of unlimited 4g lte data for just fifty bucks each, and get a fourth line, free! yup!- we'll give you a fourth line at no extra cost. so tell those other guys you're done worrying about data. get three lines of unlimited data for fifty bucks each, and a fourth line on us. hurry, only at t-mobile. discover card. hey, i heard you guys can help me with frog protection? sure, we help with fraud protection. if there are unauthorized purchases on your discover card, you're never held responsible. you are saying "frog protection"? fraud. frog. fraud! i think we're on the same page. t at discover, we treat your like you'd treat you. fraud protection. get it at discover.com.
11:57 pm
oh no, i'll take you up to the front of the school. that's where your friends are. seriously, it's, it's really fine. you don't want to be seen with your dad? no, it's..no.. oh, there's tracy. what! [ horn honking ] [ forward collision warning ] bye dad! it brakes when you don't. the newly redesigned volkswagen passat. right now you can get a $1,000 presidents' day bonus on new 2015 or 2016 passat, jetta, or
11:58 pm
11:59 pm
12:00 am
>> jimmy: hi. welcome back. tonight from animal planet one
12:01 am
this or any planet, dave salmoni is here with us. he's bringing a bobcat, a -- not just a wild boar, a russian boar, and silky chickens, which are these great-looking chickens. and we're going to eat them. [ laughter ] tomorrow night channing tatum, regina king and music from kopecky. please join us then. our first guest is a big movie star who, in his new movie, plays a big movie star, it is his fourth collaboration with joel and ethan coen, the very funny "hail, caesar!" >> i mean, we tell ourselves that we're creating something of artistic value or there's some sort of spiritual dimension to the picture business, but what it really is is this fat cat out in new york running this factory, serving up these lollipops to -- what they used to call bread circuses for the -- ah, wait, wait! >> now, you listen to me, buster. nick skank and the studio have been good to you and everyone
12:02 am
if i ever hear you badmouthing mr. skank again, it will be the last thing you say before i have you tossed in jail for coconclude collude ing in your own abduction. >> i would never do that. >> shut up. >> "hail caesar" opens in theaters friday. please say hello to george clooney. [ cheers and applause ] nice group. something terrible. so last night richard dreyfuss was here. >> right. >> jimmy: and i think he wanted the audience to give him a standing ovation but nobody stood up. and i told him, oh, nobody ever stands up, we tell them not to stand. [ laughter ] >> maybe tell him not to watch the show, then. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll gas him or something. [ laughter ] oh, boy, i feel like i'm looking
12:03 am
every time you're here. it's weird. >> it is odd, isn't it? [ laughter ] separated at birth. >> jimmy: we were. i'm doing well. how are you? everything all right? >> really good, actually. very good. >> jimmy: hey, when you're getting hit by josh brolin over and over again -- >> yeah, several times. >> jimmy: how slappy is the slap? >> well, every once in a while he's got very soft hands. >> jimmy: does he really? >> josh is a very gentle soul. but you know, he did request to do the take over and over again, which i didn't understand. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: really? >> yeah. he's like, i think i can do it better. [ laughter ] he hit me again. >> jimmy: who gets to make that decision, as to whether do you it over and over again? >> two directors that are laughing in the corner. >> jimmy: i see. >> they're laughing a lot. >> jimmy: we're in the middle of awards season here. >> yes. >> jimmy: and a lot is made of the golden globes and the s.a.g. awards and the oscars. but isn't the best award you can get being asked to be in a movie by the coen brothers? i mean, isn't that the best honor you could receive as an actor?
12:04 am
down for anything ever. the first time they called me was for a movie called "o brother, where art thou?" and they -- [ cheers and applause ] thank you. thank you very much. i had everything to do with it. >> jimmy: what was the second >> "intolerable cruelty." and then -- classic now. >> jimmy: figure we'll just do applause breaks throughout the -- >> but they literally sent -- before they even sent the script they called up and said we're going to do a movie, do you want to be in it, and i was like, yeah. they were like do you want to read the script? okay, but i'm going to be in it. they're the directors you really want to work with. >> jimmy: i think so. and for them it's got to be the greatest thing. you don't have to prove anything to anybody. also for you you know you're going to be in a movie -- >> a coen brothers movie. >> jimmy: yeah. >> and they're funny. because they have this -- they stand next to the monitor when they're shooting and they have a -- they laugh. they honk kind of -- like ha, ha, ha. the whole time you're doing the take.
12:05 am
the sound guys. they look at me and like ha, ha, ha. [ laughter ] it's very odd. >> jimmy: do they ever argue? you have two directors and they're brothers. do you have -- >> i try to pit them against each other. >> jimmy: oh, you do. >> yeah. i say that's a much, much better idea, ethan because your brother was not great. >> jimmy: who would settle an argument? do they call their mom? i mean, really. >> i don't know. it's just a constant fight between the two of them. they just yell and scream at each other all the time. >> jimmy: when they have a scene -- there's a beautiful scene in this movie. there are a number of them. but there's a scene, it's a water dancing scene. and when i look at it i just wonder like how this was written on the script. i mean, how do you even know? >> you have channing on tomorrow night. channing had to learn how to tap-dance to do this tap-dance number. and literally, if you read the script it just says "and he dances." it is like a line like that. and it's three months of training. "rome burned." so he was in hell.
12:06 am
you did have to wear a roman -- what outfit -- how would you describe that? >> i don't know how you'd describe it. it's a leather miniskirt. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the whole movie you're wearing it. >> and it -- not so whoo. no. [ laughter ] honestly. because we don't wear those. unless it's friday night and i'm drunk, we don't wear that. [ laughter ] and you get a little breeze going. you know, it's not the most comfortable. >> jimmy: you were an altar boy when you were a kid. >> i was. >> jimmy: i was also an altar boy. >> jimmy: yeah. so i know about wearing a dress for a job. because that is what you wear. >> you do. it's a longer dress. >> jimmy: it's more conservative. >> were you a good altar boy? >> jimmy: i was pretty good. although i would sometimes fall asleep during mass. >> yeah. >> jimmy: and i would yawn in -- i have a huge mouth and i of course didn't cover it. my parents would go nuts. >> you also -- i remember being an altar boy where you wanted to do weddings because everybody's happy and because you don't have to do the incense, which is just
12:07 am
but funerals were a drag because you don't get tipped at funerals. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i did. >> here's a little something for taking care of uncle joey. >> jimmy: we'd get $5 for a funeral and $5 for a wedding. there was no difference. no, not us. there was no difference between joy and pain, they're really the same thing. [ laughter ] lot of those things. >> jimmy: would you go to confession? >> sure. >> jimmy: that was weird because you work with the priest. right? >> well, first of all, you start going to confession in second grade. you're, you know, 7 years old. and i remember confessing about -- because you go in once a week. and i would look through the list of ten sins, you know. and i remember confessing to a priest that i'd committed adultery because i thought that meant acting like an adult. [ laughter ] [ applause ] and they have that long pause behind that screen. uh, let's take this back and try
12:08 am
[ laughter ] georgie boy. >> jimmy: that's pretty good. i'd make my sins up. i really would. i didn't want to tell him the real sins. it was too embarrassing. i'd come up with like i was mean to my sister. >> my buddy pete and i when i was in school we'd read in the bible where some saint had put a pebble in their shoe and walked around for penance. by fifth grade where you had a couple things you didn't want to confess, it's a small town, a town of a few hundred people, so you know the priest knows your voice. i'd just confess what i thought was important for him to take care of. and then i would fill my shoes with gravel and i'd jump off the top of my bunk beds. and then i was cleansed. >> jimmy: what? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it's weird being catholic, it really is. [ applause ] >> i did stop that a couple years ago. >> jimmy: you did? >> oh yeah. you don't keep doing that. >> jimmy: every once in a while you have to do it again. >> that's just for fun. >> jimmy: we all know your first -- really your big break was "e.r.," right?
12:09 am
that was the big break. it was exciting. i'm very excited. this is a show i'd watch all the time. when we come back -- you've never had a proper reunion? >> no. >> jimmy: when we come back, the "e.r." reunion with george clooney. so stick around. [ cheers and applause ] so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain.
12:10 am
i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me.
12:11 am
who knew dates and cashews mashed together could taste like a cookie? you think they'd taste like
12:12 am
nope, cookie. la rabar. food made from food. piano music. you have to experience this city. that's what you always say. you were right about the food. hi john. hey kevin. spent the day with an astronaut. one more. it's beautiful, isn't it? how about a baseball game next time? done! done. book priceless experiences around the globe with... ...your world mastercard. only at priceless.com. at straight talk wireless... ...we believe your tax refund should last. all. year. long. don't waste it on a pricey wireless plan. lose the contracts, mystery fees and overages. switch to straight talk... ...to get coverage on america's largest and most dependable 4g lte networks. for half the cost. that's right. half. get any of the latest samsung phones or bring your own phone. unlimited talk, text and
12:13 am
and nothing more. find out more at straighttalkswitch.com. [ male announcer ] cats will do anything for the irresistible taste of temptations treats. what are you doing? oh, here, check this out. [ meows ] temptations. cats can't resist. tt2w`t>o@mt_ bt@q-@, tt2w`t>o@mt_ "a@q=lh tt2w`t>o@mt_ bm@q6gd tt4w`t>o@mt_" dztq h8d tt4w`t>o@mt_" entq 8o@mt_" gzt& !;\ tt4w`t>o@mt_" hnt& 150 tt4w`t>o@mt_" iztq [\h tt4w`t>o@mt_" jntq i,(
12:14 am
12:15 am
[ cheers and applause ] hello and welcome to the show. "e.r." was a great show. it run for 15 seasons and won 23 emmy awards. it was the longest-running primetime medical drama in television history. and tonight we bring you the magic back with the first ever reunion of "e.r." [ cheers and applause ] [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> lost a lot of blood. i need a cbc cross type four units. somebody bring me a scalpel. [ laughter ] somebody bring me a scalpel. why isn't anybody bringing me a scalpel? >> oh, excuse me. i'm sorry.
12:16 am
but the reason nobody's bringing you a scalpel is because this is kind of a last-minute thing and we had some trouble getting the whole cast of "e.r." together. [ laughter ] >> julianna margulies? >> jimmy: yeah. she's filming "the good wife," so she couldn't make it. >> noah wyle? >> jimmy: you know, he wanted to be here but i guess he's got a thing with his family, taco tuesday. [ laughter ] >> eriq lasalle? >> jimmy: oh, no. eriq lasalle has jury duty. i'm sorry. we probably shouldn't even have done this. if you want to cancel because we -- when george clooney commits to an "e.r." sequel -- >> jimmy: reunion? [ laughter ] >> when george clooney says he's going to show up for an "e.r." reunion -- >> jimmy: uh-huh.
12:17 am
>> george clooney does it. all right? >> jimmy: all right. >> do you have anybody? >> jimmy: well, yeah. we did get someone. for you. oh, look. it's -- [ cheers and applause ] why, look who's joined us. it's hugh laurie from "e.r." >> i don't know. >> i was not technically on "e.r." i was on "house." >> all right. well, close enough. do you have a scalpel? >> well, let me see what we have here. oh. >> oh! [ laughter ] >> wow. >> my god. >> ooh, that's bad. >> that looks terrible.
12:18 am
>> that looks terrible. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: is there anything wrong? doctor, please. >> no, no, no. >> not wrong exactly. >> no. but -- >> it's just that i -- i don't do microsurgery. [ laughter ] >> all right. well, get on with the operation, then, i guess. >> okay. what do you think we should do? >> jimmy: just operate on whatever you were supposed to be operating on in the first place. oh, my god. i'm dying. oh, oh, oh, oh! [ beeping ] >> he's crashing, his kidneys are shutting down. he's going into multisymptom organ failure. >> yes, yes! >> super ventricular tachylipnia. >> i don't even remember what is. >> where is sherry stringfield? >> jimmy: she couldn't get an uber. so she didn't come. [ laughter ] >> tony edwards? >> jimmy: he's at soul cycle. >> come on let's go, little jimmy!
12:19 am
[ laughter ] [ applause ] >> his bp is dropping. bp stands for blood pressure. >> jimmy: oh. >> oh. blood pressure. yes. >> all right. if we don't perform arterial ligation and pack the cavity with activated -- >> that's it. i'm going to perform cpr. come on. stay with me, jimmy. come on, jimmy. come on, jimmy. >> dr. ross, no. this is not working. you've got to give him the rapper's delight. [ laughter ] >> rapper's delight? >> come on, dr. ross. you remember what they taught us at tv medical school. give him the rapper's delight. >> hip, hop, a hippy to the hippy, bang bang you don't stop rocking. upjump the boogie to the rhythm of the boogie the beat [ cheers and applause ] hip, hop, a hippy hip hip hoppy you don't stop
12:20 am
now, what you hear he's coming back! >> jimmy: i'm alive! [ cheers and applause ] >> we have a pulse. >> dr. ross, you saved him. you used hip-hop to save this man's life. >> i used hip-hop to save his life. >> dr. ross, you're a genius. >> no, you're a genius for thinking i'm a genius. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, you're both geniuses. and thank you so much, guys. >> no, no, no. you stay there. >> jimmy: for saving my life, dr. doug ross. >> something i've always wanted to do. >> me too. >> ready? [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that was a really good reunion. thank you, hugh. thank you, george. hugh laurie and george clooney. go see "hail caesar." it opens friday. we'll be right back with dave
12:21 am
ll ask what backache? what sore wrist? what headache? what bad shoulder? advil makes pain a distant memory. nothing works faster stronger or longer than advil it' s the world' s #1 choice. what pain? advil. you've wanted to re-do that bathroom. you've just been busy. work. kids. binge-watching season 3 of, yeah. luckily, while you were not remodeling your bathroom, the internet got rocket mortgage. a fast, easy way to refinance. getting you the money you need
12:22 am
every day you read headlines about businesses being hacked and intellectual property being stolen. that is cyber-crime and it affects each and every one of us. microsoft created the digital crimes unit to fight cyber-crime. we use the microsoft cloud to visualize information so we can track down the criminals. when it comes to the cloud, trust and security are paramount. we're building what we learn back into the cloud to make people and
12:23 am
i've smoked a lot and quit a lot, but ended up nowhere. now i use this. the nicoderm cq patch, with unique extended release technology, helps prevent the urge to smoke all day. i want this time to be my last time. that's why i choose
12:24 am
lease a 2016 lincoln mkx for $399 a month only at your lincoln dealer. ba da ba ba ba esurance was born online. which means fewer costs, which saves money. their customer experience is virtually paperless, which saves paper, which saves money. they have smart online tools, so you only pay for what's right for you, which saves money. they settle claims quickly, which saves time, which saves money. they drive an all-hybrid claims fleet, which saves gas, which saves money. they were born online, and built to save money, which means when they save, you save. that's auto and home insurance for the modern world.
12:25 am
click or call. [ cheers and applause ]
12:26 am
it is february 2nd, and our next guest happened to have a groundhog in his glove compartment. he's a master of wild beasts and host for animal planet where sunday you can watch "puppy bowl 12." here he is, the canadian tarzan, dave salmoni. [ cheers and applause ] >> take one of these guys. >> jimmy: all right. >> grab them by their wings. >> jimmy: by the wings. how can you even find his wings? >> over the wings. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: who knew i would be terrorized by a chicken? i'm going to eat those on sunday. [ laughter ] >> i figured i'd start out with something nice and light for you to hold. >> jimmy: wow. this is the animal that i wasn't fearful of, and now it's turned into a nightmare. no. no. do they like it when we grab the wings? >> they do. because they feel comfortable. see how comfortable? >> jimmy: yours is comfortable. mine's freaking out. [ laughter ] why is mine freaking out? >> duck him in here.
12:27 am
just grab his feet up a little bit in your hands. there you go. >> jimmy: what about the wings? >> you've got big hands. there you go. you got him. yes. you're a chicken wrangler. >> jimmy: look at how natural i am. [ laughter ] >> you're doing wonderful. do you want me to grab him? >> jimmy: no, look at me comfortable, are you kidding? [ laughter ] >> these are called silky chickens. >> jimmy: because they are silky. >> the texture of their feathers. the other thing, these are neat, they have black meat. so if i were to eat a chicken breast or a wing like you suggested, it's black. >> jimmy: do people eat these? >> they don't usually. >> jimmy: because it's not so good looking? >> exactly. >> jimmy: isn't it an interesting thing that people won't eat these chickens because they're beautiful. >> and the meat is not so beautiful. >> jimmy: and the meat's not so beautiful. that's the key, is to be beautiful on the outside and black as night on the inside. [ laughter ] >> a big reason we bring these out, these are the cheerleaders for our puppy bowl during -- >> jimmy: oh, you have the chickens be the cheerleaders. >> yeah.
12:28 am
the chickens? >> i hope not. >> jimmy: is this chicken doing -- pooping or something? i feel things dropping. >> i hope not. >> jimmy: i hope not too. >> no. you're good. >> jimmy: these are more like muppets than chickens, aren't they? [ laughter ] >> i thought they're odd enough looking that i could bring them out for you. >> jimmy: they are pretty odd-looking. do these lay -- i assume they lay eggs. >> they do. they lay a lot of eggs. 100 a year. which is more than normal. >> jimmy: that's a pretty good amount. and then they come out little -- they must look really cute when they're babies. >> very cute. the other thing that makes them a little special, they have this little rough tough thing that most chickens don't have, this little extra rough at the bottom >> jimmy: why do they have that? >> i think it also goes to them looking good. a bit of scruff. >> jimmy: it's like somebody turned an ugg inside out. [ laughter ] hey, do you guys want a chicken? yes. you know how to hold them. that's the humiliating part for me is when the young women -- >> just slide in.
12:29 am
i'll just go over by the band. >> stay right there. >> jimmy: that is a cute -- >> this is a bobcat. you can come in now nice and slow. the only reason i say that is this guy in particular doesn't love it if somebody's hovering over them. >> jimmy: you'll never see anyone move more slowly than i will toward that bobcat. [ laughter ] >> can you hear him give a little bit of a growl there? >> jimmy: yeah. [ laughter ] >> i would say you're in a good position, then. >> jimmy: should you not make eye contact? or what -- >> it's interesting. with him, it's an aggressive move. if he stares at you and you lock eyes with him he thinks you're trying to pick a fight with him. so it's a great one not to -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and what do they eat, dave? >> they eat almost anything. good boy. >> jimmy: where do these come from? >> all over north america. you can come in. >> jimmy: i don't want to make eye contact. >> it's not glancing eye contact. it's if you stare at him. these guys are perfect predators. they're all over north america.
12:30 am
adapt to almost anything. because they sort of -- hunters. they can live off rats or birds or rabbits or whatever. >> jimmy: chickens? >> i'm going to get him to stand up. come here, buddy. look at his tail. >> jimmy: why are they called bobcats, by the way? are they all named bob? [ laughter ] >> i'm going to walk around here and get him to stand up a little bit. hi, buddy. you're a good boy. >> jimmy: you're making eye contact. [ laughter ] >> i know. i thought i could get him to move. obviously he's not -- i promise he's got a tailback there -- >> jimmy: how much like regular cats are these bobcats? if i had a laser pointer or a ball of yarn or something. would -- [ laughter ] >> the difference with these guys. ball of yarn these guys would chase. and they're honed predators. this guy even more of a predator than your house cat. >> jimmy: well, yeah. >> but this guy the way he likes to hunt things it would be just like you see there. >> jimmy: seems like you've got a real loose grip on that leash. [ laughter ] >> typically speaking this is just so he doesn't run off somewhere.
12:31 am
like in to kill our audience. [ laughter ] >> you don't want to pull on him too much. this guy, being such a good hunter, he's going to lay in wait like, this wait for something to get nice and close and he jumps on it. that's why you see a lot of the big weight is in his bum. >> jimmy: and what's the biggest animal he'll capture? oh, my god, there's a woman. >> yeah. she's going to make both of us look not as tough. >> jimmy: yeah. you did. yes, you also humiliated me. congrats. oh, no. it seems so cute. now that it's far away. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: guillermo, are you all right over there? >> yeah. >> you're going to keep it in your hands. and keep hiding it. okay? >> jimmy: keep the dish -- oh, boy. now, that's a -- that's an actual monster, right? >> this is a eurasian boar. i'd invite you to come around and take one of those treats. give me another handful. he's going to see that -- >> jimmy: he could kill this desk if he wanted to, right? [ laughter ]
12:32 am
hand. you're a good boy. >> jimmy: and throw it at him from here? >> no. no. [ laughter ] you're going to do it like this. i'll show you. you're going to hold your hand nice and flat and you're going to shove it under his nose. >> jimmy: no, i'm not. [ laughter ] >> you don't want to try? >> jimmy: look at how gross his mouth is. >> look how smart he is. okay. sit. sit. >> jimmy: he's foaming at the mouth. >> good boy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: it's possible -- >> thank you. you can applaud that. [ applause ] come on, in jimmy. he's sitting down for you. >> jimmy: why, oh why. why can't i just toss it? it would be funny -- how awesome the air? >> he doesn't catch. you're the only person with a treat right now and he's going to smell it. down. and push. yeah. [ applause ] >> jimmy: that wasn't so bad. look at my hand. look at this. over it. >> all right, buddy. i know. jimmy, you were supposed to be managing the -- >> jimmy: i know. oh, no.
12:33 am
>> come on, buddy. >> jimmy: how would this attack if it were to attack? >> you see its tusks while it's up there like that? >> jimmy: yeah. >> the bottom tusk -- i'm worrying about him coming down -- >> jimmy: he's kind of friendly in a way? >> come on, come down nice and gentle. good boy. those tusks on the bottom are scissor sharp. what he'll do is turn his head really, really fast and basically gouge you. it's actually funny you ask because they are typically quite aggressive. if they get angry they can really, really do serious damage. a lot of guys that hunt these -- [ laughter ] you can imagine -- >> jimmy: do they eat laptops? oh, yeah, these are the ones that people hunt, right? >> they hunt these things. and if you just wound it these guys can be so dangerous. they kill hunters. >> jimmy: you should not mess with an animal like this. >> want to ask him to sit? >> jimmy: sit. >> put your hand up. no -- yeah, that's fine. sometimes you have to abort it. i'll show you how to do it once. come here, buddy. boris. >> jimmy: boris is his name? >> sit.
12:34 am
>> jimmy: he's trained. >> come on, good boy. >> jimmy: he's trained to sit? >> yeah. sit. sit. come here. sit. sit. good boy. [ applause ] >> jimmy: oh, boris. wow. that's pretty good. >> pigs are very smart and boris is one of the smartest. >> jimmy: we're going to take a commercial break, boris. you'll enjoy another one of these disgusting little rocks. puppy bowl 12 is sunday afternoon 3:00 eastern on animal planet. we'll be right back.
12:35 am
12:36 am
>> jimmy: i want to thank george clooney. i want to thank hugh laurie. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time. dave salmoni, thank you so much. puppy bowl 12 is on animal planet on sunday. and thanks to you, boris. you've been a good dude. you really have. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching.
12:37 am
this is a special edition of "nightline." a mother's reckoning. >> tonight, the massacre at columbine high school. a tragedy that shocked a community and left the nation asking what drove two teenagers to take the lives of 13? what kind of people were their parents? >> could you have prevented what happened at columbine? >> after 17 years, sue klebold, mother of one of the shooters, break her silence. and the families that lost so much. >> what is it you want to say to them? >> one mother's quest, looking for the path of her son's descent and the clues she says she missed. >> the one thing of course that i want to say is, i am so sorry

30 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on