tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 4, 2016 11:35pm-12:37am EST
tomorrow at 6 a.m. with what did you think of j-law's dress? which white people did you go after, bro? >> chris, over here, talk to us! >> jimmy, jimmy kimmel, what are you doing out here? >> jimmy: my mom got me this camera, i figured i'd get a few shots. >> don't you have the "after the oscars" special tonight? >> jimmy: yeah, but -- did you get a gift basket? can i get some of that nourishing lotion? yo, chris. did leta rock it tonight? chris, who are you wearing? chris! i didn't find out who you're
wearing! >> dicky: from hollywood -- it's oscars"! tonight - ben affleck, tracy morgan, henry cavill, jesse isenberg, j.k. simmons, will arnett, nathan lane, matthew broderick, mike tyson, and less. plus we go live to the governors ball. presented by samsung. with cleto and the cletones. and now -- lights, camera, action - here's jimmy kimmel!
>> jimmy: thank you. i was not expecting it. thank you. thanks for watching. thanks for staying up. i know it's late for a sunday night but welcome to our 11th annual after the oscars special. the statues have been handed out, the speeches have been spoken, and once again i was not invited to any of the after parties so here we are together. [ cheers and applause ] making the best of it. it was a night of controversy. it was a night of awareness. it was a night of a lot of uncomfortable famous white people trying to make sure they clapped when the cameras were on them. as you know there were no black nominees in the acting categories. tonight's oscar hopefuls were whiter than the line to buy t-shirts at a michael bolton concert. the only way a black or hispanic or asian octoberer was going to win an oscar was if they let steve harvey announce the winner and that didn't happen. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the show went mostly as expected, there weren't a ton of surprises.
movie called "the 100 year old man who climbed out the window and disappeared." it was an interesting show. the sound cut out on one of the guys who won best sound design. true. i think the person -- the kid who introduced best short was short. so that was good. and the woman who won best costume design showed up dressed like this. >> this is the second oscar and tenth nomination for jenny bevin. the first oscar in this category -- >> jimmy: she looked like sammy hagar in sturgis. i guess she doesn't take her work home with her. "spotlight" won best picture. brie larson won best actress. [ cheers and applause ] leonardo dicaprio won best actor. leo had been nominated six types. until tonight he never won but everyone kept saying, this is his year.
but you know, the man has had sex with a different victoria's secret model every night of -- every year of his year. from 1991 on has been his year. and it was a special night whether you're a fan of movies, movie stars, or the ryan seacrest men's wear collection. we still have many great moments in store yore rou. ben affleck is here. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: batman versus superman. he's batman. yesterday was ben's 4-year-old son's birthday party and guess what costume his son made him wear to entertain the kids at the party. that's right. we'll find out how that went. it's not all glamorous, this hollywood stuff. one day you're on the red carpet, next day 15 preschoolers are beating you with pinata sticks. right now the stars are heading to the governors ball, the post-oscars party across the street. our man guillermo is there standing by live via our big cisco screen. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we'll get go to him now, guillermo, what's it like,
>> yes, there's a lot of the big stars around here. beautiful women too. >> jimmy: why don't you have any of them? >> oh. they at the bar right now. >> jimmy: they're at the bar, all right. see who you can russell up for us and we'll check back in later. how many drinks have you had? >> about 40 shots of tequila. >> jimmy: okay, great. perfect. so he's ready to go. that's actually less than he typically has on a sunday night. thank you, guillermo. we'll check back in with you later at the governors ball. one of the most critically acclaimed movies of the year this year that was not nominated for best picture was "creed." the toir of rocky balboa training the son of one of his great rivals. stallone was nominated for an oscar. it would not be a movie without a sequel. the world premiere trailer for the much-anticipated followup to "creed." >> i will have a choice. this is my one shot.
can't nobody stop me! >> you got no business being here. >> the other fighters are fighting for their lives. look at you. eating a hero sandwich. >> it's a hoagie! >> get the hell out of my gym! >> look at this. your first fight with clubber. you got caught with a right uppercut. you're sounding like a dolphin with an itchy blow hole. hee hee! hee hee! hee hee! hee hee! hee hee hee hee hee hee hee! >> how do you know so much about that fight? >> that was my pops. >> junior. >> that's what marty povis told us. i need you to train me. >> train you to do what? >> what do you think i'm talking about, fool, to fight.
fighter. >> i been fighting my whole the people who said i couldn't fight -- >> ha ha ha! >> fighting my demons. >> hey, baby. >> fighting that lady in the wendy's drive-through because she wouldn't give me extra dipping sauce. >> where's my dipping sauce? >> all i asked for was extra honey mustard! aahhh! >> i'll teach you to fight, kid. let's get some shorts on you because we got work to do. come on. >> all i asked for was extra honey mustard. >> come on! come on now! >> oohh! >> one. >> come on, chicken, come over here! >> boxing isn't just about strength and conditioning.
brains. >> and fowls and wings! >> over, under, round and through. meet mr. bunny pull it through. you're not focusing. you've got to focus. beat that meat like you mean it! harder! harder! you've got to kill him! give it to him! what the hell are you doing? whoa, whoa, whoa! hey, hey, no! no! you've got it. you've got it! [ cheers and applause ] >> it's the fight nobody thought would happen. >> this is a fight nobody thought should happen. this is a disgrace to the sport of boxing. but i can't wait to see it.
>> i keep thinking it's gum. >> focus, kid, you need your edge out there! >> rrrow! hey, get me some. honey mustard, you remembered! >> that's right. now go get him. >> that was clubber. >> i know, i know. mwah, mwah, mwah, mwah. love you so much. i got hair in my teeth. go get him! >> pop? >> quit your jibber jabber, fool! >> how am i doing? >> good. yeah.
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have to take a break but it will be worth it, stay there. we have many stars and many surprises on the way. it's our biggest show of the year. our 11th annual "after the oscars" special - we'll be right back after this. [ cheers and applause ] so my kids don't have to forage, got two jobs to pay a mortgage, and i've also got a brain. life's short, talk is cheap. i'll be working while you sleep. still don't think i've got a brain? you think a resume's enough? who'll step up when things get tough? don't you want that kind of brain? a degree is a degree. you're gonna want someone like me.
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>> jimmy: hello and welcome back to our 11th annual "after the oscars" special. batman is on the way. first let's check in with guillermo on the wall of america at the governors ball happening across -- look at this, guillermo, you did it! i asked you to get us a big star, you got us a big star, sacha baron cohen, hello!
>> hello, america. you were supposed to present and allieg. ended up filling in for you. >> that is true. nature called and i went into the bathroom and next thing i knew i had been made a fool out of. >> jimmy: did she know that alig. was coming out instead of -- oh, hold on. look at this. i'm trying to -- i'm real sorry. sasha i apologize but there's >> yeah, there's a lot of complete pardon my french [ bleep ] walking around. >> jimmy: yeah, there are people jumping around in the back like -- famous. a lot of people are here upset they didn't win tonight.
really a shame that we put so much work into the show and then people just show and up they ruin it like that. >> bad losers. >> jimmy: well, you know -- sacha, you have a movie "the brothers grimsby" coming out. >> that's right, that's right. march 11th. >> jimmy: and again, i apologize for what's going on here, very unprofessional. guillermo, you're the one that should be watching for what's going on. get the guy behind you out of the shot! >> who is -- >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> dim wit. >> jimmy: i'm so sorry. >> stay away, please. >> jimmy: there's no excuse for that. i apologize again. some people are just gross. but thank you very much. >> yeah. >> jimmy: sacha baron cohen! [ cheers and applause ] >> stay away. >> jimmy: thank you so much, guillermo. >> stay away next year. >> jimmy: thank you. keep rounding people up, will you, guillermo? no -- >> hey, jimmy -- >> jimmy: thank you very much.
[ cheers and applause ] it just really pisses me off, that's all. so back to the movies. this is the reason why we're watching television tonight. is on car night is a night to celebrate great films. if you're at all familiar with the movie "the producers" you know it is one of the best comedies ever. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: the producers" is a classic, won an oscar for mel brooks, record-breaking 12 tony awards when mel made it into a broadway musical starring nathan lane and matthew broderick. it's been almost 15 years. now they're back with a diabolical new scheme to unleash their most spectacular disaster yet. >> they were a pair of political consultants on needed a break. >> that's it! we're finished, through, kaput! >> don't say that, max. >> let's face it, bloom, we haven't had a winning campaign in years. >> max, do you realize under the right circumstances it might be possible to make more money from a losing candidate than from a winner? >> what did you say? >> first we find a bad candidate, then we raise money like crazy and promise all the donors ambassadorships to italy
then when the public figures out what a nut case our guy is he drops out of the race -- >> and we keep all the dough! oh, darling bloom, glorious bloom! you bloody genius you! >> max, don't. >> but wait, wait. this candidate. he's got to be the worst candidate in history. a real train wreck. schmuck, putz, gold-plated nincompoop. where would we find a buffoon like that? >> and now a message from the board room. >> people have been asking about my desk and the fact that i have so many papers on my desk. it's actually very neat. but if you look around, i mean, there's a lot of stuff. i've noticed over the years -- people have a lot going on on their desk. >> hand me the phone! >> my desk is a very important part of me -- >> yes, yes, yes.
>> -- that's a good thing -- >> get me the board room. you know which one. >> they had a foolproof plan. >> there's a new horse in the race for the white house. his name, donald j. trump. can he beat the establishment? who will support him? fiscal conservatives? the religious right? or crazy old semi-racist white people? >> they're sure he can win? >> oh, mrs. comisky, donald trump is the very definition of a winner. >> just read the pin. >> oh. >> bless you, mrs. comisky, bless you. thank you. thank you. yes. i keep the checkie, thank you. thank you, mrs. comisky. yes, good-bye, mrs. comisky. here we go. that's a girl. oh, oh! beautiful, beautiful.
all right, easy now. easy, we don't have time for that. all right. bye! >> bye. >> thank god for citizens united. >> 22 ambassadors to france so far. >> and 25 million bucks, bloom. trump was smart. but your idea about building a wall across the mexican border? brilliant. >> not as brilliant as your idea about making the mexicans pay for it. >> he won't last the week! >> oh, look, max, this is it. >> i will build a great, great wall on our southern border and i will have mexico pay for that wall. mark my words. we're in the money we're in the money >> announcer: but they pick the wrong fool. >> good news for donald trump. the whole world has gone stark raving mad for him like these two looney birds, these numb skulls, even in whack a doodle.
will let our warriors do their job and go kick isis' ass? >> he's still in the lead, max. >> how could this happen? >> well, i hear he's a proven businessman who knows how to get things done. >> yeah, he'll stand up to the mexicans. >> i can't believe this it's not possible. >> where did we go right? >> i don't know. >> wait a minute. wait a minute -- did he question john mccain's war heroism? >> yes. >> did he say we should kick out 11 million immigrants? >> yes. >> did he propose banning all 1 billion muslims from entering the u.s.? >> si! >> did he say heidi klum was no longer a 10? >> yes, yes! >> nothing is working, max, nothing. >> oh, no! no! >> announcer: just in time for the election, it's a story that starts off funny and then gets
[ cheers and applause ] we needed a chump to put on the stump a frumpy grumpy named donald j. trump he's building a wall a thousand feet tall don't worry cause the mexicans will pay for it all >> announcer: from the producers of "the producers" comes a movie that will make america great again. nathan lane, matthew broderick, and cloris leachman star in -- you've been trumped >> maybe he won't be such a bad president. >> bing bing bong bong bing bing bong bong. >> whoa, what have we done? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we have a lot to come including we have tonight on the show never before seen footage from "batman versus superman." [ cheers and applause ] the "after oscars post show." we'll be right back with ben
[ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: jimmy kimmel after the oscars is brought to you by go to youtube.com/jimmykimmielive to see guillermo nursed in a virtual world using a samsung v-r headset. e trade is all about seizing opportunity. and i'd like to... cut. so i'm gonna take this opportunity to direct. thank you, we'll call you.
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[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, i'm jimmy kimmel. thank you for staying up late for our 11th annual "after the oscars" special. we are beaming to you live from hollywood - mere steps away from the dolby theater, the room where it all happened earlier tonight. we have new shows tomorrow night and all next week. and a lot left to come tonight. two-time oscar winner, actor, director, producer and screenwriter who next month, slips into a cape to keep watch over gotham city in "batman vs.
>> jimmy: wow. you look -- you look healthy, well, you know. you do the superhero movie, you get muscled. then muscle turns to fat, you know. >> jimmy: uh-huh, wow. i mean, really. >> on and off cycle. >> jimmy: no offense, i don't mean to put you in an uncomfortable position, but you really ballooned up. >> thanks. i didn't think it was going to be about body shaming tonight. >> jimmy: what is going on? >> jimmy: have you got a monkey here? what is going on here? it's moving. >> no, it's not. >> jimmy: what the hell is going >> what is this? hey, why are you touching me? >> jimmy: i'm not touching you. oh!
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: no, no! sit! i won't have it -- sit down! no clapping! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that's -- >> i just think it's gone on long enough. >> jimmy: i'm upset with you more than him about this. >> i think it's maybe time to bury the hatchet here, man. >> jimmy: you get to decide when it's time to bury the hatchet? you know what he's done to me? >> i think as a mutual friend it's time to, you know -- well, there is no us, it's not about us. >> matt, have a seat, sit down. that's my seat. >> jimmy: i don't want him to
[ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's not a guest, that is not a guest segment, this is not a guest appearance. >> this feels amazing! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: this is not a guest appearance. >> it's nice, i feel good about this. >> jimmy: you might feel good about it, i don't feel good about it. this is the guest chair, that's not, that's a spare chair in case anything happens to this guest. you're unioning the oscars show, nobody wants you here. [ audience groaning ] >> jimmy: my own audience has turned on me! >> yes. >> and i still feel like dorothy. i do. this is wonderful. >> jimmy: you know this is illegal what you're doing, right? this is trespassing. this is potentially breaking and entering. you know you could be -- i could have you arrested right now for this. >> i didn't know that.
>> jimmy: that is threw and you're an accessory. >> no, no, no -- >> he's an invited guest and you should treat him a little better. >> jimmy: there was not a plus one on your invitation to be here tonight, was there? >> not technically -- >> jimmy: not technically, no. >> that's why i was one shroud -- >> jimmy: can we not have him in the camera shot, please? please, yes, slide it over. yes, there we go. that's fine. that's how we can do the segment, that's perfectly fine with me. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: guillermo. you're supposed to be watching this. an oscar and i can't get on the oscar show? >> jimmy: thank you. dicky, please. [ audience groaning ] >> jimmy: and beat him up a little bit too!
you want to go see his show, you go see his show next time. this is my show! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: wow, that's a real bummer i have to say. >> i'm sorry. >> know your intentions are good but i am furious right now. and i was going to do something nice. and i was going to show this picture of you and him when you were at your first oscars. now i'm not going to. [ applause ] >> jimmy: how old were you in this picture? >> i am 9 years old there. >> jimmy: look at that, with your mom. look how happy you look. >> i know, this is how i get the reputation somehow. he gets the reputation for being the nice guy. >> jimmy: right, he's not the nice guy! >> i've been figuratively carrying him for years. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you go, finally literally. that's how he snuck into show business in the first place. true or false, you wrote "good will hunting," matt did the typing? [ laughter ] >> a fine line, know what i mean?
guys won the oscar and you had to go up on stage, do you remember what you said? >> i have no idea what i said. >> jimmy: do you have any -- did you have anything prepared? >> we were young and naive. write a speech? that would be assuming we were going to win, that would be arrogant, we didn't think we were going to win. the whole idea of writing a speech was absurd. then we do win. matt's like, you go first! which i thought was really gracious and generous. then i realized he was coming up with things to say. i went up and thanked boston eight times in a row. we want to thank boston and -- boston and -- >> jimmy: you have to, you can't go back. >> exactly. >> jimmy: i wanted to ask you -- >> half of dunkin' donuts. >> jimmy: birthday party, your son turned 4 yesterday. and his request was? >> he wanted a superhero birthday party. >> jimmy: right. >> and so he wanted superheroes there. i was like, what heroes do you want? he's ticking off heroes.
to do batman, real batman! so i was like -- what do you say? oh, okay. >> jimmy: you say yes. >> i'll do my best. i had to call the studio. any chance someone has my costume lying around? the cowl and the whole thing? what do you need? you know, just for some personal thing, matter. so they brought the costume. and i had to sign away, you know, this whole guarantee that i wasn't going to use it for evil. >> jimmy: really? >> ruin it or anything. a 4-year-old's birthday. i signed my life away, i get the costume. the other guys are like -- the other heroes are all there. they have bits like all worked out, know what i mean? >> jimmy: oh, really, who were the other heroes? >> wonder woman, superman, captain america, iron man. and there was me.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: your $your son really think you're batman? is it blurred? >> it was so motorfying. it's kids. i didn't think of course all their parents are there. i had to put on my outfit for this movie. and put on my scary face. for the 4-year-olds and all their folks are there. know what i mean? it's 11:00 in the morning and they're kind of like, wow! batman! >> jimmy: then you have to tell -- no, he really wanted it. >> this means a lot to my son! don't make me come find you! >> jimmy: ben affleck is here. we'll be right back with a never before seen clip from "batman versus superman" so wake up! [ cheers and applause ] kellogg's frosted mini-wheats ... 8 layers of wheat... and one that's sweet.
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wash tom brady's car. is tom available now? i'll do wonder woman. >> jimmy: so by the way, i saw the movie and it's great. you know, for kids and for people who grew up loving comic books to see batman fight superman, it really -- it's unset settling. it challenges everything you've ever believed. i don't want to reveal too much. but i do want to say that i am in the movie. and you're great in it and henry is great in it as superman and i am really, really great in it. and i'm so excited. this is my first big role in a movie. >> you were good. >> jimmy: thank you. movies, one of the things that perspective -- next too. >> thank you, we'll talk.
choices. we have one thing that's so, so good. and another thing that's so, so, so good. they can't both be in the movie. >> jimmy: like you and matt on the show tonight, one of you had to leave. >> that was a hard choice. >> jimmy: unfortunate. but i am psych the about it. >> a similar choice with your they had to make a tough choice. and it's just -- the movie was a you know. the stuff you did was so good and they were like, you know what? maybe what happens is he's on screen for too little amount of time to be this good. we can't have him be that good the movie. so what they did was took that right out. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is a joke, right? >> no. >> jimmy: they took what out? i don't know what you're saying. >> the stuff was so awesome, it was too awesome. >> jimmy: not my stuff? >> like if you look at the sun for a second, aah!
>> yeah, your stuff. >> jimmy: so there's no way of seeing it. >> i wanted you to see in person how awesome you are. so i brought the clip. >> jimmy: oh, you did? more people will see this than that stupid movie. this is a bonus scene from batman versus superman dawn of justice, starring me. [ applause ] >> mr. wayne. clark kent. "daily planet." what's your position on the bat vigilante in gotham? this batman thinks he's above the law. >> the new guy in town, is that
>> you could say that. differently in gotham. >> do you? >> i know you. >> i don't think so. >> people ever tell you you look like superman? >> no. i've never heard that before. >> huh. >> like i said, mr. wayne. people in gotham need to learn -- >> you're superman! >> hey, will you -- >> take a picture with us. i've got to get this on the gram. thanks. my wife's a big fan. what do they call it when, you know, there's a celebrity that your wife would have sex with? you're that guy. >> okay. >> say cheese.
you're batman! i got batman and superman over here! >> look, i think you have me confused with somebody else -- >> no, look at that! >> hey, [ bleep ] off. >> whoa! >> this is awesome. >> this is a private conversation. >> oh, i didn't realize you were having a conversation. hey, everybody, they're having a conversation, they don't want any regular people to bother them. i'll just leave you guys alone. thank you. >> anyway. as i was saying i think the people need to learn they can't trust an alien with the power to burn the entire civilization down -- >> yeah batman and superman. i think they're having a fight. >> is that so? >> i don't know what's going on. yo, what up, periscope? i'm here with batman and superman! >> shut your mouth or i'll throw
>> [ bleep ] off. >> bruce wayne meets clark kent, i love it. i love bringing people together. >> superman, batman. >> batman? that's not batman. he's in a nice suit. batman wears a flowing cape. superman has perfect vision, whereas this man's in glasses. >> yeah, but -- >> what? >> look. >> oh my god. i feel like such an idiot. of course it's him. >> yeah, i can see why you'd feel that way, took me like two seconds to figure it out. >> spent my life trying to kill a journalist. i'm so embarrassed. carry on. i like your column. >> hey, look at this. >> batman. >> that's batman. >> it's true. i am batman. >> you're not batman. >> i'm like a batman. >> nobody customers about lego batman. >> ask your kids if they care.
>> anyway. i came with a warning. stop or i'll stop you. >> you'll try. everyone's attention, please? first of all, give it up for the deejay who's been chopping it up all night. i want to welcome our special guests batman and superman in you know this song. take a boy up in this hole watch me crank it watch me roll superman and
aaaaahhhhhhhhhh! >> hey, mister, you okay? you're on mars. >> you've got to be kidding me. oh god. >> kimmel. >> are we the only ones up here? >> yeah. >> oh. oh -- so what do you do? >> besides grow poo potatoes? i mean, not much. but now that you're here i was thinking maybe -- let's do a talk show. you could host it, i'll be your guest. every night. >> oh. yeah. no, no. that's -- i'm going to pass on that. but thanks.
winning the oscar. and die alone. it's good to see you, though. [ cheers and applause ] >> i bought us a zoo! >> jimmy: there we go. ben affleck, everybody! "batman versus superman" march 25th. thank you for bringing that for me. >> you're welcome. it's too good. >> jimmy: we'll be right back! [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: "jimmy kimmel live after the oscars" brought to you go to youtube.com/jimmykimmellive to
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>> thank you so much. i wanted to talk to you, i heard you kicked matt out, i'm so proud of you. >> jimmy: thank you for saying that. he was very rude to do that, he didn't announce he was coming. he actually snuck in, inside ben affleck's navel, which i thought was dirty to do on our big night of the year. >> that just shows who he really is. i'm so glad you can see that side. >> jimmy: this is exciting for you. the oscar is almost your size. >> it is. >> jimmy: is it heavier than you thought it would be? >> it's heavy. wait. i just need to do that. >> jimmy: yeah, really. >> to be equal. of those before? >> i have not -- it looks like an oscar.
an oscar. who did you call after you won? make any telephone calls? >> no. >> jimmy: you haven't called anyone? >> i've been running, haven't called anyone yet. i will. i think sweden is waking up at the moment. >> jimmy: i see. >> hopefully i can reach them on my phone. >> jimmy: will there be a parade for you when you return home? >> i'm going to just -- i'm going to do a parade myself. at least tonight. i'm going to kick off my shoes and dance. >> jimmy: okay, very good. congratulations, i don't want to keep you. i know you're having a big celebration there. >> thank you so much. >> jimmy: thank you so much, congratulations alicia vikander! she's swedish. she's actually from sweden. a lot of people like those candy fish, they say they're swedish? not really. so we'll be right back.
>> the mystery finally solved with a courtroom confession. >> did you kill tammie myers. >> and the trial of the century. >> if it doesn't fit, you must acquit. >> the o.j. simpson murder case. the country fixated that the knife could be the missing murder weapon. tonight police casting doubt. still investigate the case that