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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 28, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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captioning sponsored by cbs >> having covid is actually something that can contribute to erectile dysfunction because of the inflammation that happens in the blood vessels. >> some doctors have noticed that men who get covid itself end up with erectile dysfunction, at least temporarily, which is another good reason to get the vaccine.
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>> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, metamorphosis. plus, stephen welcomes john leguizamo and thomasin mckenzie. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ( theme song playing ) >> jon: oh! mmm!
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( cheers and applause ) ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: please! have a seat. thank you very much, ladies and gentlemen. welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) here's the thing, slight little preamble here -- there's a big story today about facebook, and before i talk about it, full disclosure. i've never had a facebook page. ( cheers and applause ) i don't go on facebook. i don't understand facebook. i only go there when someone posts a link that takes me to a screen that says to view this link, i have to join facebook. ( laughter ) i will never do that, so i don't. but even i know this is big news. because facebook is changing its name to "meta." ( audience reacts ) that's right, meta. as in your aunt gloria saying i 'meta' guy on facebook who says the vaccine made his balls
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magnetic. ( laughter ) true story, by the way. that happened to a guy i know. yeah. never lauman compass now. along with the new name, they have a new logo: and of course, since this is the internet, in less than a minute, somebody drew a penis on it. ( cheers and applause ) that's not us! we didn't do that. that's news. that's news. are they going to blur that? why? it's just a blue origin rocket. ( laughter ) and then, of course, they put a dick next to it. ( cheers and applause ) the name is meant to reflect the company's new focus on new, online digital realm known as the metaverse. great. great. so we've reached the part of the movie where the corporation creates their own virtual world.
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what do you say we skip the whole robot uprising to harvest our organs and just jump straight into the thunderdome? because that -- that's a future i can live with. the company says the name facebook is t going away, but from now on, we are going to be metaverse first, not facebook first. but don't worry - the self esteem of teenage girls will always be last. ( laughter ) ( applause ) the announcement came in a video by facebook's chief humanoid simulation, mark zuckerberg. who addressed some of the recent controversy the company has gone through. >> with all the scrutiny and public debate, some of you might be wondering why we're doing this right now. the answer is that i believe we're put on the earth to create. i believe that technology can make our lives better. we live for what we're building and while we make mistakes, we keep learning and building and moving forward. >> stephen: (as zuckerberg) we will keep building, and moving, and making bigger and better mistakes. no point in looking back at what
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anyone did or said or covered up or shredded and dumped into the river. river? what river? building and learning. ( cheers and applause ) zuck described the company's new project. >> when you're in a meeting in the metaverse, it will feel like you're right in the room together, making eye contact, having a shared sense of space, and not just looking at a grid of faces. >> stephen: (as zuckerberg) and i enjoy making eye contact, because it is something that we, as humans, do in order to feel connections on an emotional level, a level i definitely have. ( laughter ) ( applause ) ( cheering ) then zuck markerberg showed off everything that could be possible in a metaverse. >> it has an incredibly inspiring view of whatever you find most beautiful.
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>> hey are you coming? >> yeah, just gotta find something to wear ( soft music ) all right, perfect. >> stephen: so you had the option of being anything in the world, and you chose to look like mark zuckerberg wearing exactly what you're already wearing? that's like finding a genie and wishing you hadn't. zuck also took some time to have fun with the staff. >> you know boz, i always really wanted a forest in my living room. >> did you? >> not really. (laughs) >> stephen: (forced laugh like guy in video) great one, mr zuckerberg. i hope you remember these good times when you choose which employees to hunt for sport. ( cheers and applause )
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but the best part about this whole video, without a doubt, was a friendly face i spotted halfway through: imagine your best friend is at a concert somewhere across the world. what if you could be there with her? ♪♪ ♪♪ >> yo. >> you're here (jon singing) >> tell it like it is. >> stephen: what? but wait! i'm on stage with jon, and am i in the metaverse every night? let me change into a black pants and t-shirt... nope. speaking of a theoretical fantasy world where things might happen: congress. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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today, after months of tense negotiations, the white house uncalled it's new $1.75 trillion package to overhaul the country's healthcare, education, climate and tax laws - specifically mine because i don't want to talk about this bull ( bleep ) anymore! do it or don't do it. i'm out! ( cheers and applause ) a $1.75 trillion, it's half the size of biden's original plan but still one of the largest, most progressive pieces of congratulation in my lifetime. as white house chief of staff ron klain klainsplained >> it's twice as big, in real dollars, as the new deal was. >> stephen: suck it f.d.r. suck it through a long cigarette holder. ( laughter ) the plan features subsidies for child care and universal
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preschool for more than 6 million 3 and 4-year olds. ( cheers and applause ) to which parents everywhere replied, but what about 2 year olds who could pass for 3? please. i can't watch any more peppa pig. my toddler has adopted an english accent, and won't let me eat bacon. ( laughter ) the largest single item in the bill, and the most important thing in it, is that congress is finally taking a big swing at global warming. as joe biden explained: ( cheers and applause ) don't do that. don't do that. nothing else matters. as president biden explained -- >> this framework also makes the most significant investment to deal with the climate crisis ever, ever happened. beyond any other advanced nation in the world, over a billion metric tons of emission reductions, at least ten times
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bigger on climate than any bill that has ever passed before and enough to position us for a 50-52% emission reductions by 2030. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: this is so important. this is so important. biden is trying to protecting the planet not just for his children, but for his children's children -- who are 45 years old. ( laughter ) >> jon: man, come on... >> stephen: then again, some parts of the build back better plan have been cut back worser. for instance, the plan no longer promises free community college or paid family leave. ( audience reacts ) but don't worry, moms. you don't have to go into work while you're in labor. just zoom in from the birthing room. ginny, is there anyway your doula could mute you during your contractions? the build back better bill wasn't the only big priority on capitol hill.
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there was also the congressional halloween dog parade that was described as... bipawtisan. ( audience reacts ) no, no, bad, lawmakers! no silly puns until you fetch me my infrastructure. believe i -- leave it, leave it, ( cheers and applause ) together weren't the only ones in congress playing dress-up. so did utah senator and man starting to realize what that bookshop means by adult, mitt romney. ( laughter ) this morning, romney posted a video of his new halloween costume: ted lasso, with the caption: if you believe in yourself and hearts-you can't lose. unless you're running against barack obama. then you get absolutely spanked.
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( cheers and applause ) it's a long time ago. it was nine years ago, but stil. now, fans of television might realize that he's actually paraphrasing a quote from coach taylor on friday night lights. reminds me of the time romney dressed up as luke skywalker, tweeting, you're a wizard, henr ( laughter ) there's some good news on the pandemic front. researchers have discovered that a cheap antidepressant lowers the risk of covid hospitalization. it's the drug fluvoxamine, sold under the brand name luvox. not to be confused with the paul bunyan themed porno: luv ox. ( laughter ) ( applause ) really? some people have seen it. some people have seen it.
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mm-hmm. on your hotel bill, just says entertainment partners. ( laughter ) a ten-day course of fluvoxamine costs only $4, but sales haven't really spiked like hydroxychloroquine or ivermectin. as one expert explained it hasn't really gotten any cult following. because it works. ( applause ) if they want to sell this to the anti-vax crowd, they'll have to rename it: dr horsey's microchip-resistant, ball shrinking anti 5g suppositories. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. my guests are john leguizamo, and the star of "last night in soho," thomasin mckenzie. but when we come back, meanwhile! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪
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♪♪ ♪♪
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♪♪ >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: i love it when y'all switch it up! >> jon: oh, yeah! >> stephen: always surprises me. >> jon: yes! >> stephen: jon -- jon, you know, this show is a pleasure and a privilege to do, you know, always wonderful, love sharing the stage with yawl and love being with these people every night, but when it comes to the guests, i love a mix of old friends and new friends. we have our old friend john leguizamo who's here tonight. >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: really a treasure of the new york community. ( applause ) and we have thomasin mckenzie. if you saw "jojo rabbit," she was one to have the stars of "jojo rabbit." ( cheers and applause ) and she now stars in the new movie "last night in soho," which i can't wait to see. she's here as well. >> jon: bring it on.
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( applause ) >> stephen: just another thursday night, man. >> yeah, we're here. >> stephen: folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, selecting the finest grains of news, hand sifting through barrels of steelcut joke oats selecting the ripest seasonal story berries, and home-fermenting macrobiotic almond milk into upscale organic yogurt to lovingly fold together the buzzworthy breakfast parfait that is my nightly monologue. but sometimes, i sweat myself awake in the middle of the night, creep out to an abandoned schoolyard, scrape a bunch of spilled cheerios and discarded gogurt wrappers into a big gulp travel mug i won in the great trucker-drifter wars of 2019, add some fermented crabapples from behind the swing set, and chug back the fetid prison porridge of news that is my segment: meanwhile! ( cheers and applause ) what it does is "meanwhile!" is a transformative experience, is what it is.
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you're different afterwards. meanwhile, squid game is now the most popular show in netflix history, which is why this video of lebron james slagging the show's ending with teammate >> stephen: i know, right? i was so shocked when they lay out all those cephalopods and you have to guess which is an octopus and which is a squid? i haven't seen the show. it sounds disturbing. well, squid game creator hwang dong-hyuk was asked this week what he thought of lebron's criticism, to which he responded have you seen space jam 2? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
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>s re abron jes. yes, lebron james. the murder weapon? his own creative choices. ( cheers and applause ) you don't often see a man that tall getting dunked on that hard. meanwhile, a company called jetson quietly dropped this promotional video last week: my visa number is 3566 7865 2771
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expiration 9/24. ( applause ) take a screen grab and charge anything. just gimme one i commute in new york. ( laughter ) i spent half of my kids' childhood in the lincoln tunnel. ( laughter ) of course, there's a little sticker shock. this sucker comes in at a hefty $92 000. ( audience reacts ) security code is 179. 179. ( applause ) meanwhile, earlier this week, traffic on a stretch of california highway was slowed due to hundreds of rolls of toilet paper in the roadway. either a huge accident, or a public service to everyone stuck in traffic all day. ( applause ) meanwhile, in adorable local news, three florida sisters have the same birthday in different years.
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and they were all born on august 25th. hmmmm, let's see here. if i'm not mistaken, august 25th -- that's exactly nine months after thanksgiving. ( laughter ) so we know some folks like to spend thanksgiving stuffing more than just the turkey. ( laughter ) that's not right. that's not right. that's not right. i shouldn't talk like that. i'm sorry. but who can have sex on thanksgiving? oh, god, oh, jeez -- oh, it's 4:00 p.m., i've eaten six helpings and five of them were gravy. i have never looked or felt worse.
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let's do this thing. any way we can both be lying down for this? we'll be right back with john leguizamo. ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ if
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♪♪ ♪♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, friends, romans, countrymen, my first guest tonight is an emmy and tony award-winning actor, writer, and comedian. he is launching a new comic book series called, "phenom-x." please welcome back to "the late show," john leguizamo. ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ ♪♪ >> nice crowd you got! >> stephen: everybody's excited to see john leguizamo. >> oh, is it me? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: when i was talking to jon earlier, as i said, a beloved treasure of the new york art scene john leguizamo and
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globally, obviously, but this is where you started. >> this is where i started. new york city is my birth, my happening, where i got discovered, everything. >> stephen: we have a mayoral race decided this tuesday. >> that's right. >> stephen: anything you would like to see change in new york going forward with the new mayor, whoever that might be. >> yes, whoever it might be. >> stephen: any changes you want to make from new york as we know it? >> there's a lot of stuff going on in new york that's a little funky. the electric bikes are crazy. >> stephen: sure. right? they're going 30 miles, 40 miles the wrong way on a sidewalk looking apologetic with plastic bags everywhere, that's not cool. >> stephen: wow. but isn't that already against the law? >> but nobody's stopping them. >> stephen: oh, okay. so citizens' arrests or just tasers? >> i want to do citizens' arrest. i want to get a costume with a
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new york ny and stop people frm honking, stop people from speeding, going through red lights, all of that. i'm going to take care of all that. i'm going to fix it for you. >> stephen: good. we've got to vote. vote early, vote eric adams or whoever you want, but eric adams. no, whoever you want. eric adams. i don't care. eric adams. >> stephen: since the last time we spoke, we have a new presidential administration. >> yes, we do. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: for some of the country, that's lowered the temperature, not everywhere, but some parts of the country it's lowered the temperature. >> yes. >> stephen: do you feel yourself getting worked up by national politics? >> i was really feeling comfortable. >> stephen: yeah. we save democracy, the country's going to be saved and all of a sudden we're back in a panic state. this filibuster is killing me.
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>> stephen: filibuster is kind of a crazy thing. it's not in the constitution. >> no, it was used only in the '60s, basically, to get rid of all civil rights movements. >> stephen: it was used as a resistance tool by strom thurman. >> yeah. it might bite us in tass when they win the house and the senate, if they do. >> stephen: mm-hmm. but f that, because if we don't do anything now we're not going to do anything. >> stephen: you have to get rid of manchin. the guy's a d dino. democrats in name only. i just coined that. i want some of that bit. >> stephen: you've got a new comic book here. is this a series. >> yes, sir. >> stephen: a series. okay -- am i saying it right?
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( pronouncing >> pronouncing. they're all, like, phenomenal people who grew up in the 'hood >> stephen: do you want to zoom. what's this character's name? >> max gomez >> stephen: he looks a lot like john leguizamo. ( laughter ) that is suspiciously like -- joe, get it in there one more time. zoom over to him. get over to john. there you go. do you look this good in a coot suits is what i want -- cat suit is what i want to no. >> hell, no. i told them, put steroids on him, make him younger and hotter, and they did. >> stephen: is it short for maximus gomez? >> yes. latin america are the largest group, we have been in america forever. we have no superheroes. >> stephen: there is no latino
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latinx -- >> who in the justice league or in the d.c. or comic or marvel world. half the braves are latinx, half the astros are latinx, the guy who won the italian tour, aoc, we got half the mma is latinx. >> stephen: i think mma's superpowers are upsetting tucker carlson. >> i'm glad. ( applause ) >> stephen: when we come back, john leguizamo is going to sing. stick around. john leguizamo is going to sing. stick around. >> no, no, no, no! zone? lowering your a1c with once-weekly ozempic® can help you get back in it. oh, oh, oh, ozempic®! my zone... lowering my a1c, cv risk, and losing some weight... now, back to the game!
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back with john leguizamo. john -- >> yes, sir. >> stephen: -- you are an extremely talented artist, everybody recognizes you as such. >> thank you. >> stephen: if you were a superhere o what are your superpowers? not this character, not max dpoams. what are your superpower. >> when my wife ised at me, i know how to avoid her. >> stephen: you just phase out? >> i have a big house with five floors so i know how to run from one floor to the next before she finds me. >> stephen: what are the warning signs. >> the warning signs are, john, what the hell -- and i just -- >> stephen: melt into the floorboards.
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>> yes, i hide in the basement, when she finds me, i run into the back, the yard, to the first floor. >> stephen: what's the thing that can shut you down, your kryptonite. >> oh, wow, singing. >> stephen: i'm surprised. and i wrote a musical. >> stephen: and you can't sing. >> but it comes out at hartford stage in april. i apologize now for my singing. i have a great voice, i just can't follow a melody or hear a pitch. >> stephen: other than that, you're pavarotti. >> basically. >> stephen: you're singing in the musical. >> well, i don't know if i would call it singing. >> you're making noises with your mouth accompanied by instruments. >> the critics would say that, kiss my aztec. >> stephen: what's the name. kiss my aztec ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know. i wasn't asking for anything from you. >> stephen: you're not a singer but the word is you're a
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good dancer. >> oh, i can dance. i can move. i need to move. >> stephen: did you train at all? >> no, i didn't train but i went to all the clubs and everything. >> stephen: that's training in and of itself. >> basically, i think you're right. >> stephen: what's your signature move. >> now that i'm older, you always get an older move because you can't do the crazy moves. now it's more like mm-mm-mm, mmm, ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that's a pretty crazy move. >> not that crazy, just keeps me in the pocket and groovy and young. >> stephen: are you a car dancer? >> i loveseat dancing. i'm on the wheel and all of a sudden i hear something, rock the bells, mm-mm-mm -- >> stephen: jim, can we test this out? ( beat ) oh, oh, get that wheel!
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come on! ( rapping ) ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ >> stephen: i want to point out you were car dancing and your hands weren't on the wheel for any of that. >> i'm usually parked. >> stephen: you didn't say that. i pictured you going down the lie at 70 miles an hour. >> do you want to do an arrest. >> stephen: that's not my power. >> what is your superpower. >> stephen: cutting to commercial. ( applause ) the first issue on "phenom-x" will be available on november 10th! the man is john leguizamo! we'll be right back with thomasin mckenzie!
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1, 2, 3...yay! ♪ “i got you babe” by etta james ♪ ♪ wait hold up! here it comes! alright, everybody stand up straight. okay now let me flip it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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i can only work two days a week. and it can't interfere with my other job. i can do full-time. just not daytime. and i need benefits. good ones. and you know, it would be nice if you paid for my tuition. like all of it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ >> stephen: oh, hey! hey, folks.
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welcome back! ladies and gentlemen, my next guest is an actor you know from "leave no trace" and "jojo rabbit." she now stars in the film "last night in soho. >> ms. collins. yes. it's ellie, we spoke on the phone. >> oh, yes. room is on the top floor. i have a few rules. don't take smokers. >> i don't smoke. no male visitors after 8:00. that's a problem. i know using the -- no using the laundry room at night. it rattles right through to mine. >> i don't do laundry. huh? i don't do nighttime laundry. i do do laundry. i'm very clean. >> good. it's a bit old fashioned for some but i won't do nothing to it. if you don't like it, you can t's peect. i love it.
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>> stephen: please welcome to thomasin mckenzie. ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ >> stephen: hey! hi. >> stephen: thank you so much for being here. >> thank you for having me. >> stephen: nice to meet you. you, too. >> stephen: i understand this is your first american talk show. >> it is. i think first talk show. >> stephen: i'm honored to have you here. i love the outfit you chose. i love hounds tooth. that's fantastic. >> i'm not naturally a very stylesh person, so this is all up to my stylist, thomas. >> stephen: well done, thomas. yeah. >> stephen: you hail from wellington new zealand. >> yes. >> stephen: which is a town i love and a country i adore. >> i would like to say, i heard you'd come to wellington, new zealand, that's where i was
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born, and i'm unbelievably offended that you didn't come y ( audience reacts ) >> stephen: do you know brett mckenzie and lucy lolis. >> not personally but my parents directed a friend with lucy. >> stephen: because i hung out with them. when i was there, they tried to help me get into the real spirit of new zealand since i admired your country so much and helped me pick out this outfit. do you think i nailed the new zealand look, in your professional opinion? ( laughter ) sam neil but also very old? ( laughter ) >> um, this is the first time we'e met, so i don't want to offend you. i don't want to get off on a rocky start. >> stephen: then i might stop right there. >> but i will be honest, i think everything up untill there works, so i don't understand the tie and i don't understand the
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hat. that's more australian than new zealand. >> stephen: really? yeah. >> stephen: i bought everything in wellington, i bought everything in one store. >> i think somebody might have been messing with you. >> stephen: i'm surprised because when you leave new zealand, and i don't know how much time you spent outside of your home country, i know new zealanders are the most traveled people in the world. a third of y'all are always traveling at some point. you use your passports more than anybody else. >> why? >> stephen: i don't know why because i wouldn't want to leave new zealand. >> i don't want to leave new zealand either till i get oversees and see people i love. >> stephen: when you go back, do you realize what a special place you're from? >> yeah, i really do. actually, that interview you did or that day you had with lucy and britt and i remember you were on the crocodile bike and there was a lady you guys came across who was not interested at all, despite the fact that she
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had some of the most incredibly famous people alongside her, she just did not care. >> stephen: no. that's very new zealand. >> stephen: i actually said, it's lucy lolis and brett mckenzie! and she goes, i know. but it wasn't rude. the new zealanders, the kiwis are some of the nicest people i've ever met in the world. why do you think you're so damn nice? >> i don't know, i think it's just very grounded in new zealand, and you don't get a chance to get too big for your boots. there's a tall poppy syndrome where people in new zealand don't tolerate people being a ( bleep ), i don't think. can i say that. >> stephen: we'll have to bleep it, but an excellent rule. ( applause ) the new movie, "last night in soho," it's a psychological horror. do you like horror films? >> i usually don't gravitate
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toward horror films. >> stephen: what's it like to make one? >> i think it's pretty similar to being on a normal set. it definitely helps that i don't get scared watching because i happens, i was there throughout the whole shoot and nearly every single shot, so there was no way that i was going to be getting any jump scares. but, yeah, i think just, for me, it was very similar to being on any set, a comedy or a drama. i think on horrors people tend to want to balance the horror with joy and laughter. so it's fun. >> stephen: the director gave you a list of 50 films he wanted you to watch but you did his movie. >> yeah. >> stephen: did you watch all 50 films? >> i watched 49 out of 50. susperia was one of them and i was not about to go there. >> stephen: the one from the '70s. >> i think so, yeah. >> stephen: growing up in new zealand, were you exposedo a lot of american culture.
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>> yeah. >> stephen: what was big over there? i imagine it can't be everything we have over here. >> i think when i was growing up, there was kind of a stat like when youtube was becoming really popular, so makeup tutorials and days in my life and all that kind of stuff, and i would see everyone going to bath and body works and that kind of thing, and target. >> stephen: so target was very exotic for you. >> yeah, because with tiktok and everything, that stuff is becoming, i don't know, like my little sister, she's 14 and she's tiktok obsessed so she has a great understanding of, you know, the kind of target and bath and body works and stuff, and when she found out i would be coming to america, she didn't say, oh, i'm going to miss you or anything like that. she said, okay, can you go to target for me and get
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da-da-da-da. >> stephen: have you been to target yet? >> no, it's not my place. >> stephen: it's not your place to go? you don't think it's the place for you, target? >> it's just not an environment in which i would feel comfortable, i don't think. >> stephen: because there are too many options or -- >> i get overwhelmed very easily, even going to the supermarket, it's too much. so i think target would be just a little bit too far. >> stephen: okay. what can you get there that you can't get here that you miss when you're here? >> mmm... my family. >> stephen: that is an excellent answer. ( applause ) and my dog. >> stephen: thomasin, so lovely to meet you. >> you, too. >> stephen: "last night in soho" in theaters tomorrow. thomasin mckenzie, everybody. we'll be right back! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ >> my god! a parent did a nazi salute at a school board because he thought the policies were oppressive.
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general garland, is a nathy salute protected by the first amendment? >> yes, it is. okay. nazi salute defender, protecting a term that implies someone deserves to die. not the best gig. constantly splitting hairs, acting like words don't have consequences. i go by drinking which my shrink dr. fisher says is bad like i don't already know that. sucks. wonder if i could just quat under the desk here and take a little nap. ♪♪ ♪♪
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( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be trevor noah. james corden is next. goodnight. ( theme so captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ( cheers and applause ) captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show-oh-oh!
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