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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  October 13, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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being rented out on airbnb in violation of the laws. the new york city sheriff worked with the n.y.p.d.'s document fraud unit and discovered an "operation of alleged fraudulent and illegally registered vehicles being used as airbnb rentals." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> new york city, one of the world's great tourist destinations, and hotels can be expensive, but not anymore. introducing the new luxury hotel alternative: "cargovan," a windowless van, offering all the amenities of a windowless van; cup holders, continental breakfast,
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and an on-suite bathroom. you will even get a complementary wake-up call. ( glass shatters ) so what are you waiting for? remember our motto-- if this van's a-rockin', the police found out! run! ♪ ♪ ♪ >> announcer: it's the "late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, az if! plus stephen welcomes paul giamatti, and john stewart takes the colbert questionert! featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey! that's a sight for sore eyes! ( cheers and applause )
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i'm refreshed! i'm refreshed! i'm engaged! ( cheers and applause ) i got the jumper cables hooked up! welcome! ( piano riff ) thank you ladies and gentlemen! please! please rest your weary bones! welcome one and all to the "late show." i'm your shows, stephen colbert. hey-- ( cheers and applause ) little trip down memory lane. do you guys remember the weird election audit that the republican-controlled senate of arizona hired some "stop the steal folks" to do in maricopa county? well, we finally have the results and the republican-led arizona audit reaffirmed joe biden's win. ( cheers and applause ) i agree. well done.
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which brings us to a breaking news alert: ♪ ♪ ♪ the "late show" is ready to project that joe biden has won arizona. ( applause ) and therefore, joseph robinette biden is still president of the united states. we now go live to election headquarters to our number cruncher, steve kornacki, still standing by since last november. steve, what do you have for us? ( laughter ) ( crunch ) ( laughter and applause ) damn it! i told you! i forget to feed him! ( laughter ) should have got him one of those cat fountains. ( laughter ) this audit is a crushing humiliation for the g.o.p., because not only was biden found to be the winner again, but the search for fraudulent ballots actually yielded 99 additional votes for biden and 261 fewer votes for the former president. ( cheers and applause ) wow!
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wow! he really did get tired of winning. ( laughs ) the audit was conducted by a firm called cyber ninjas, who had no history or expertise in the area and whose c.e.o., endorsed wild conspiracy theories that the 2020 election was rigged and stolen from was rigged and stolen from the former president. so they hired m.a.g.a. fans and even they couldn't say that number 45 won. that's like hiring your mom to judge the handsomest boy contest and still losing to a 78-year-old guy from delaware. ( laughs ) ( cheers and applause ) good looking man, though. fine looking. >> jon: mm-hmm, robinette. >> stephen: the cyber ninjas also messed with the voting machines, so now maricopa county will have to spend $3 million to replace them. ( audience reacts negatively ) but, but since they're ninjas... maybe they already have. ( theme from "ironside" )
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( cheers and applause ) they haven't. ( laughs ) so biden has won arizona, and republicans all know it. they called for the audit, they paid for the audit, they conducted the audit, which confirmed the former president lost on the forensic audit, or as he put it: >> we won on the arizona forensic audit yesterday at a level that you wouldn't believe. >> stephen: yes, we wouldn't believe. ( laughs ) so nothing's going to shut this guy up. no matter what the results are, he's just going to go out and say he won. he's not playing three dimensional chess. he's not even playing regular chess. he's just shoving the bishop up his butt and yelling, "yahtzee ( laughs ) ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's not how you play.
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>> stephen: paint the picture. by the way, that was the original ending to "the queen's gambit." ( laughs ) congratulations on your emmy. the former president used his rally to roll out all the hits, like this classic: >> and you know, they are starting to say very strongly merry christmas. >> stephen: reminds me of my favorite christmas carol: ( singing ) ♪ have yourself a very strongly christmas ♪ that's a thing we say ♪ ( laughs ) the big christmas boy then turned his attention to wyoming representative and real estate agent who doesn't tell you someone died in this house because she's the killer-- liz cheney. ( laughter and applause ) cheney has been a vocal opponent of the former president. she supported his second impeachment and refused to participate in the big lie that he won the election. which might be why, on the big screens at the rally, the former president showed this meme of liz cheney with george w. bush's face:
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that is pathetic. the former president has been kicked off of social media so he's been reduced to an old man, traveling from town to town, explaining memes in person. ( as old man ) you see, the young man is walking down the street with his girlfriend. the man represents you, and the girlfriend represents getting eight hours of sleep. but the man is looking at another woman walking the other way, who represents reading the wikipedia page for the mary kate and ashley movie "billboard dad" at 3:00 am. it's an allegory about the human condition in the information age. anyway, i'll be in peoria on thursday to talk about a lady who just tried kombucha. what her face does will surprise you. ( cheers and applause ) they know the kombucha one. they know the long walk-- >> jon: yes. >> stephen: but there was water in the well. ( laughs ) cheney, who is allowed on twitter, clapped back, tweeting: "i like republican presidents
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who win re-election." ( audience: oh! ) ( piano riff ) >> jon: whoa! >> stephen: sick burn, liz, you got him. or to put that another way... mission accomplished! ( cheering ) one mission-- don't forget! one mission that is not accomplished is getting the nation vaxxed. but the president did his part today, getting his booster shot on live television. that's the first prick i've seen in the white house since january. ( applause ) now i understand-- why not. i understand he was doing this on camera, to encourage everybody to get the shot, and that's a good thing. but all i could see was what looked like incredibly fake windows behind the president. it's a fake room! like when captain america fell unconscious in the 1940s then woke up now, except joe biden
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wasn't preserved in ice in ouhef researchnd is absolutely true-- our hea actually called the white house to ask if those are real windows, and the white house said-- this absolutely true: we'll get back to you. ( laughs ) you'll get back to us? you shouldn't have to double- check if a window is a real window. that's like a doctor saying-- let's run some tests and once we get your blood-work back, i'll be able to tell you if i went to med school. okay, hold on-- i'm being told in my deaf ear that brandon has heard back from the white house. let's get the exclusive scoop. brandon, you actually spoke to officials in the biden aministration, did they confirm that those were, in fact, fake windows? >> yes >> stephen: i knew it! ( cheers and applause ) i knew it! hold on! what if fake windows are just the start? was the booster real?
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was that his real arm? what if it was a cake? remember when everything was cake? is it laurel or is it yanny? brandon, am i spinning out of control? >> yes. ( laughter ) >> stephen: wait, was that just pretape we used earlier? >> yes. >> stephen: thank you, brandon. we'll have more on windowgate as it continues to not matter. at all. some people are not only refusing the free, life-saving medicine, they're angry about it. this weekend, some new yorkers defied local mandates and stormed a staten island food court, refusing to show proof- of-inoculation. they just couldn't resist all the options you get at a staten island food court. there's paulie's meatballs there's sal and sons house of meatballs, there's cinna- meatball... and auntie ann's meatzels. ( laughter ) the crowd of around twenty included all the usual covid experts, like tony soprano who skipped therapy, and guy wearing
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a "q sent me" t-shirt. in this case, the q stands for quiznos. ( laughter and applause ) so, what were the anti-vaxivists there to do? >> eat! that is what we're here to do. >> everybody! go get food and eat. that is what we're here to do. then we're going to meet back over there and go into the food court area and sit our butts down. and stay as long as we like! >> stephen: i'm sorry that's not a protest, that's a field trip to the mall for 5th graders. ( as teacher ) ( cheers and applause ) all right, kids! all right, kids! we're going to go get our food and then we're all going to go sit down and eat! where's carson? where's carson? mikalah, where's carson? he was your buddy! shhh-- everybody quiet, shhh-- he's got asthma, listen for the wheezing. ( laughter ) >> jon: oh-- oh --
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>> stephen: they find him. it has a happy ending. thanks to vaccine hesitancy, red states are having far worse consequences from delta than blue states, or as they call it, being great again. but one conservative knows who's to blame: liberals. i'm talking about breitbart writer and new, most troubled nolte, john nolte. ( laughter ) last week, nolte pinched out a column that claimed, "the organized left is deliberately putting unvaccinated m.a.g.a. supporters in an impossible position where they can either not get a life-saving vaccine or can feel like cucks caving to the ugliest, smuggest bullies in the world." yup, typical bully behavior. ( as bully ) hey dweeb! give me your lunch money, so i can help you make healthy choices in the cafeteria. two covid shots for flinching-- oh, you are live meat, buddy. ( laughter ) nolte goes on to say that he sincerely believes liberals are trying to trick conservatives into not getting vaxxed using reverse psychology. ( laughter )
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he got me. as the son of an n.i.h. immunologist, i have made it my life's mission to keep people from getting vaccinated, using the proven science of reverse psychology. but i didn't realize that i had this much power. so, to all my m.a.g.a.-viewers watching the next day on the internet looking for coded messages, i just want to say, don't get the vaccine. because it'll make your balls swell to an enormous size, even if you don't currently have balls. they will become giant, magnetic orbs, which will emit a 5g signal so strong that bill gates will use it to watch netflix. ( applause ) and i know you'll all believe me, because you're smart as a bag of door knobs. ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight, my guest is "billions" star paul giamatti. but when we come back, i give the colbert questionert to mr. jon stewart. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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give it up for jon batiste and stay human, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) and the legend ( cheers and applause ) jon, i'm hearing very good things about y'all's performance this weekend at global citizens. you guys crushed it. >> jon: yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: tell me about the whole experience. what was it like for y'all? >> man... >> amazing. >> really incredible. >> stephen: how many people out on the great lawn? >> i think they said, 60,000 or so? just casual. >> stephen: just friends and family. >> mm-hmm. >> stephen: how long of a set did y'all do? >> jon: oh, we played for cindy luper, alyssa caron and did a 20-meant set of music from the "we are" album, and we rocked that sucker, man. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: well, where can i see it?
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>> jon: it's online. i think it's global citizen. and also you can go over there and check out ways you can actually give back, because that was the whole point. we're trying to fight climate change and change this world for the better. >> stephen: ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: thank you, jon. folks, i'm so excited because my good friend jon stewart's new show is premiering this thursday on apple tv+. it's called "the problem with jon stewart" and it'll be airing every other week. it's perfect if you loved him on the "daily show," but wished it was less often. ( laughter ) and in each episode jon is going to do a deep dive on one topic. so i figure what better way to celebrate his new show than by doing a deep dive on jon stewart himself? and i'm happy to say that recently jon stewart stopped by and took the very revealing, patent-pending, "colbert questionert."
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♪ ♪ ♪ john stewart's here everybody. i love-- ( cheers and applause ) my friend and you are my friend, you know that i love talking to you. we've seen each other for many years. >> many. >> stephen: but here's the thing is that-- yes, human interaction in real world is nice but to truly know someone you have to interview them on a talk show. that's when they're most revelatory. >> you and i have spent many hours talking-- on the person, in person, over meals, but do we really know anything about each other? i don't know. >> stephen: so what we've done here is i'm going to give you "the colbert questionert," at the end of which you will be fully known. are you prepared to be revealed? >> ( yelling ) open book, stephen! open book! >> stephen: let's see. here we go, john. >> all right. >> stephen: first question on "the colbert questionert!" brace yourself. jon stewart-- what is the best sandwich? >> oh, jeez, i mean that's-- >> stephen: we're not playing here, jon.
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>> so, you can't answer it in terms of a particular sandwich. it has everything to do with- the best sandwich is one that understands the bread-to- ingredient ratio and does not-- so i can't say to you-- >> stephen: you can't do a an't do a hoagie? are you an american? of course you can do a hoagie. >> stephen: i don't know, that's a big bun, man. >> it's not a big-- stephen, have you had a sandwich? what kind of-- >> stephen: i've had a few. i've had a few. >> okay. whether it be a po boy, or a hoagie, or a kaiser, so something...muffuletta. it doesn't matter. what matters is the ratio of ingredient to bread and the addition of your liquidity, whether it be a condiment or-- >> stephen: a pickle let's say-- >> well, a pickle is-- i mean, that's a bold addition. ( laughter ) what's nice about the pickle is you're getting a flavor addition, but also a textural jolt, if you will-->>en:
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>>t ks in.r s rougthe bread genelly h,omewhat soft. so in your mind you're, like, oh, i've got this. >> stephen: sure. >> but then you hit that mother ( bleep ) pickle. ah! and it's-- ( knocking ) hello! i want in! and you've got to really work, and when you get through, it bursts and you just-- so what was the question? ( laughter ) >> stephen: question two. >> all right. >> stephen: what is the percentage-- can you give me percentage of bread to ingredient? >> yes. so it's got to be-- i think your range is 65% to 75% ingredient. >> stephen: this is correct. this is correct. what's the one thing you own that you really should throw out? verying i wear. ( laughter ) >> stephen: what is the scariest animal?
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>> oh, okay, this is interesting. scariest animal. >> stephen: yeah. >> so it's got to be an animal, a land animal, can't be something from the sea. >> stephen: animals in the sea are still animals, jon. >> no, they're not. >> stephen: they're not robots. >> they're fish. >> stephen: no they're not! fish are animals. >> no, i don't think so. >> stephen: fish are animals. >> really? >> stephen: aren't fish animals? >> audience: yeah! >> stephen: the people have spoken. >> i disagree. >> stephen: so a shark is not scary? >> no, it is, because-- so here's the problem with a shark and the here's the problem with fish in general, it's the medium in which they travel. because everything is scary when you have no visibility. you know what i just realized? i'm just a crazy old man off the street. ( cheers and applause ) ( laughter ) >> stephen: okay. >> i got a glimpse of me on the camera and all of a sudden i was, like, didn't i give that guy money the other day? ( laughter )
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>> stephen: i'll accept the premise. >> right outside the west third street subway station? ( laughter ) >> stephen: so land animal, what is the scariest animal? i asked you, sir, at long last would you not answer my ( bleep ) question? what is the scariest animal, jon stewart? >> give me time. >> stephen: i've given you a lot of time. >> i'm going to say-- cat. >> stephen: just a cat, a cat? not a tiger-- a cat. and why is it terrifying? >> because the tiger is not in your house. the cat is a killing machine. >> stephen: i forget the premise of this question is that you never leave your house, so nothing can be terrifying to you unless it's actually inside. >> that's correct. >> stephen: okay. and-- and i would never let a tiger or a panther in the house. it's what i said to my wife, my wife, animal rescuer, loves animals but i have drawn the line at predators. we need to rescue a sheep, or a go a. that's fine.
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i'm waiting to come home one day and be like, there's a puma in the garage. ( laughter ) so that's disallowed. >> stephen: okay. >> so cat, killing machine. and it will murder all over the neighborhood and it will bring it to you and put it on your bed as if to say, you better keep ( bleep ) feeding me or i will rip you to shreds. >> stephen: got it. cats-- let me say this-- and these people know. these people aren't fools. they know the cat is the scariest. i said it and it was a laughter of recognition. ( laughter ) >> stephen: when we come back, jon stewart will tell us what song he would listen to for the rest of his life. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ we're for those who love to discover. who know an open mind... is the only kind. who are their own personal stylist. who know where to escape, even just for a moment.
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click, call, or visit a store today. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. and now the dramatic conclusion of "the colbert questionert" with my friend, mr. jon stewart. apples or oranges? >> apples. >> stephen: yes, correct answer. can't put peanut butter on an orange. what do you think happens when we die? >> uh, very little. ( laughter ) i mean, i mean, if-- here's what i would say, and i would say
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this, ( bleep ) is what's happening when you move, but you don't, so, clearly, there's nothing going on. >> stephen: favorite action movie. >> i'm not a favorite movie guy. >> stephen: a lot of responsibility taking "the questionert." >> oh, god-- "finding nemo?" >> stephen: that's an action movie. >> it is an action movie. i don't-- >> stephen: you can go with "finding nemo." >> define action movie because... >> stephen: by action movie, generally speaking, something explodes in an action movie or someone falls from a great height or-- there doesn't have t be gun play, it could be swordplay. >> can i tell you something? >> stephen: yes. >> the movie you're talking about now sounds very good. ( laughter ) >> stephen: do you have a favorite smell? >> the beach. >> stephen: the beach. least favorite smell. >> some of the things you find on the beach.
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( laughter ) >> stephen: exercise-- >> that's, by the way, new jersey-based question. >> stephen: got it. ( cheers and applause ) that's resonating with this crowd. >> the laughter of recognition. >> stephen: exercise-- is it worth it? >> please... ( laughter ) >> stephen: flat or sparkling? oh, flat. >> stephen: what? >> flat. ( applause ) what sort of unholy-- why would you ever aerate a beverage? why would you ever condense bubbles-- oh, this is delicious and very refreshing! you know what? let's just, i don't know... aerate it. ( laughter ) wat else do you consume that you aerate? do you put bubbles in anything else? >> stephen: marshmallows. >> you aerate marshmallows? >> stephen: they're just air, they're mostly like, foam. >> yeah, but they're made that way-- >> stephen: they're whipped-- a meringue is mostly air. you aerate it, you have to put air-- >> listen to me--
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have you ever whipped egg whites, my friend? >> oh, sorry, miss julia child, i have not. ( laughter ) hey, i didn't know this was going to be on your ( bleep ) test. have you ever made meringue? i bet you didn't ask tom hanks! ( laughter ) >> stephen: next time, i promise you, next time i'll hanks if he ever made meringue. okay-- >> flat water is correct. >> stephen: flat water is-- well, it is your choice. what is the most used-- >> flat water or-- >> stephen: okay, who's for flat? ( applause ) wait, wait, wait-- ready, flat? ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: sparkling? ( louder cheers and applause ) >> can i tell you something? >> stephen: yeah. >> it's not that it's more people, it's all that excess air. ( laughter ) and they ingest it-- >> stephen: could be, could be. >> and when they're yelling, it comes out. >> stephen: one question, you get one song to listen to you for the rest of your life, what is it? >> oh, dear god... ( sighs )
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why would you even-- that's just an impossible -- >> stephen: i know. it's not me, it's the lab. i wouldn't ask you this but they say i have to. >> this is a torturous-- that is a question that doesn't, shouldn't be a question. it's a question that can only bring sadness. >> stephen: ringo, i asked ringo and he said "come together." >> oh, interesting, one of his own songs. oh, you know what? the song i want to listen to is the meringue song, and i just wrote it and it goes like this: ♪ whip those eggies, baby ♪ >> stephen: okay, you've got to at least give me an artist. >> i mean, i'd go springsteen. >> stephen: okay. surprising. ( cheers and applause ) i didn't expect that. that was out of left field. any particular springsteen song? >> i'm going to go "lost in the flood," yeah, deep cut. i'm going to go "lost in the flood." >> stephen: nicely done.
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>> land of hope and dreams. "lost in the flood." >> stephen: what number am i thinking of? >> "born to run" whatever number it is, it's the "rosalieta." >> stephen: what number am i thinking of? whatever number it is, it's the time that you all are going to have to stay late to edit this piece of ( bleep ). >> stephen: infinity then, is the number you're thinking of. ( laughter ) describe the rest of your life in five words. >> hopefully quite quite quite long. ( laughter ) >> stephen: jon stewart, you are known. congratulations. ( cheers and applause ) we'll be right back! jon stewart, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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>> stephen: hey, guys. ladies and gentlemen, october has always been one of the most popular months to get married. that's when evie and i got married. and this year, it's wedding season like we've never seen it before because weddings are roaring back after a pandemic induced slump. after nearly two years in quarantine, people are saying i better seal this deal. you've seen me use my sweatpants as oven mitts. millions of weddings canceled by covid are now hitting all at once, leading the atlantic to declare that wedding season 2021 is a perfect storm. which, by the way, i do not recommend as a wedding theme. the nuptial crush is so bad wedding venues are completely booked for the next three years. planners aren't taking on any new couples, and caterers are running short of appetizers in high demand. so, if you get invited to a wedding, don't be surprised if you're asked to choose your entree between pirates' booty, slim jims, or the vegan option: fruit by the foot.
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( laughter )caeva cateood luckith erow farme, have sold their farms or converted to growing marijuana. some flower farmers have sold their farms or converted to growing marijuana. ( cheers and applause ) so you can look forward to unusually vigorous fights for the bouquet. ( laughter ) in fact, things are so bad, the new york times is wondering ominously: where are all the wedding djs? ( laughter ) they're doing coke in their pontiac aztek with the maid of honor? where the ( bleep ) do you think they are? we'll be right back with paul giamatti. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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- oh! so like every sister can get this? - yeah. - every aluminum siding installer? - why not? - every doula? - they would have to! every customer, new and old, can get iphone 13 pro on us. because everyone deserves better. - everyone! - horse trainers! - manicurists! - you get the new iphone! - we're alone. - i know. - what're we doing? - i don't know. [ piano intro ] calilujah! ♪ calilujah! it's what you say ♪ ♪ when plant-based milk is real good to ya ♪ ♪ it can be coconut smoothies ♪
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et ulmondmilk ilujoueams! ♪ ♪ ♪ an alnd ccopia ah! ♪ ♪ my personal oatopia ♪ ♪ calilujah! ♪ calilujah! it's califia farms! ♪ califia! ♪
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ever wonder how san francisco became the greenest big city in america? just ask the employee owners of recology.
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we built the recycling system from the ground up, helping san francisco become the first city in the country to have a universal recycling and composting program for residents and businesses. but it all starts with you. let's keep making a differene together. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ >> stephen: hey, folks! welcome back, everybody! ladies and gentlemen, my guest tonight is an emmy and golden globe winner you know best from "john adams," "cinderella man" and "sideways." he currently stars as chuck rhoades in "billions." please welcome back to the late show, paul giamatti ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪
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>> amazing! >> stephen: hi, paul giamatti. nice too see you is that nice too see you again. it's been a long time since i've seen you in person. we talked over zoom in the covid interviews which had their own charm. >> yes is that creative moments under pressure. >> yes. >> stephen: welcome back. quite invigorating. >> stephen: you've done it all, comedy, tragedy, tv, film, stage. >> sure. >> stephen: when did paul giamatti say i'm going to check that out? >> i remember doing something in high school. i kind of accidentally ended up in a play because a guy i knew thought i was a funny guy, so he said, will you be in this play with me?
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it was a goofy play where we played 30 different characters. i fell into it. it was accidental and i loved it i d a great time, yeah. >> stephen: so 1995 was the debut of you on broadway, right? >> i think so, yeah. >> stephen: do you remember what the play was? >> "arcadia," i was a time stopper play. >> stephen: really. billy crudup was in it. >> stephen: victor garber. that's right. >> stephen: robert sean leonard. >> and me-- and me. ( laughter ) >> stephen: no way! that's one of my favorite productions of all time! >> that's one of your favorite productions of all time and you had no idea i was in it. >> stephen: and then there's a girl. >> oh, sure, there's the girl, absolutely, yeah. there's a million people in it. so many people.
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you lose sight of me. >> stephen: there was only eight. >> yeah, eight. >> stephen: who did you play? i played the guy, the poet that gets killed. >> stephen: in the-- in the duel. none of this registered with you. crudup kills me in a duel. >> stephen: i loved your work. ( laughter and applause ) i swear to god. >> you're unbelievable. >> stephen: i'm truly a fan of yours. i am. i can't believe i was missing -- >> when did you catch sight of me? >> stephen: some time after that. you showed up at an unlikely place this summer as the voice in a burger king commercial. >> that's right. >> stephen: as the voice of the burger king's regret, right? >> that's right. burger king's having a nightmare. >> stephen: they said, we were
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looking for the voice of the burger king's regret and paul was just perfect. >> i am definitely the international voice of regret. i fit in anywhere there's regret. >> stephen: i've dipped my ladle in that river of cash of national commercials. >> i'm thrilled to be doing burger king. >> stephen: and i pushed in pistachios very hard. probably could have all i want for the rest of my life. is there a big perk for being the burger ding guy? >> that's interesting, after i did it and i was very pleased to do it, i called up my agent and as a joke, i said, do i get free burger king for life? she said, i'll ask. i was like, okay, i was kidding but okay. next thing i know, a couple of days later, i get a fed ex package.
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oh, your, and i rip that baby open, look inside, can't see, and i reached down there and all that's in there, no messages, nothing, is this little titanium, beautifully finished black credit card, smooth, and it's got this embossed black crown on it and it says nothing on it. and i was, like, holy ( bleep ), i have a burger king for life card. i was like, holy ( bleep )! i was like ( bleep ) me! >> stephen: can't be a lot of those in circulation. >> wait a minute. so my girlfriend is like, holy (bleep), you got a burger king for life card. so we looked it up and in fact the thing exists. only 12 people have it. george lucas, you know, robert downey, jr., jennifer hudson, hugh laurie, they have it. i'm sitting here thinking i'm going to call a meeting of all
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the time, i have the right now to gather us all and wipe burger king out. we could go out and just solve world hunger. i'm going to buy everybody burger king sandwiches. i'm calling everybody. i'm telling my son, i have a burger king for life card, boy! i'm bringing the burgers home, son! i was so ( bleep ) excited. i was up all night. the next thing i woke up and all i could do is stare at it, feel the heft of it and the finish. >> stephen: and the responsibility. >> the heavy responsible. then i look and there's tiny writing on the back. and i'm, like, oh, this must be the end. this is the thing. so i go to the web site, enter the salary number, and it turns out it's a ( bleep ) $100 gift certificate. ( applause )
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i have never fallen so far and hard and fast. i had to call my son and be, like, it's not a burger king for life. i said, i'm sorry to tell you. >> stephen: depending on how quickly you order it, it could be for life. my plan is to go every now and then for however long i have left on god's green earth and get myself a whopper and i'm going to stretch that thing out and it's like i have a burger king for life card. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. we'll be back with more paul giamatti. ( cheers and applause ) ( band playing )
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( band playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody, we're back with the star of "billions" on showtime, mr. paul giamatti. fifth season of "billions." >> yes. >> stephen: you guys were halfway through a season in 2020. >> we got to the eighth episode. >> stephen: eight of-- twelve. >> stephen: and, so, how long was it that you just shut down and left without-- >> sure, everybody shut down and left. >> stephenlo
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we shut down march ninth and returned march 1. so almost exactly a year. and we came back to the middle of the eighth episth been shooting, already. >> stephen: literally picked it up. did anybody change haircuts or anything? >> yeah, i changed my beard, did all kinds of things. >> stephen: how do you explain-- it's funny, it's very offhandedly acknowledged -- >> stephen: you shaved. yeah, nice new look. ( laughter ) we shot that, finished shooting that season, and that's on now, and then we went right into doing the sixth season. so we're doing the sixth season now and that's going to end in december or something. >> stephen: the last time we spoke you were doing a lot of drawing. >> yes. >> stephen: and i asked you-- this beautiful sort of caricature, very detailed caricature work, that's what i would call it.
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is that an insult to you? >> no, that's not an insult. i don't know what i'm doing, i would call it extreme doodling. : anke lk at it. anything i need to know. >> no, if you tell me to draw a horse, i can't do it. i draw a nose and build around it and i don't know what i'm going to end up drawing. so i drew you a very random thing. >> stephen: oh... ( laughter ) >> stephen: it's a werewolf businessman. >> i don't know what he is. >> stephen: i love it. it's like billionaire wolf man. >> stephen: or, like, almost ebenezer scrooge played by lon cheney. >> he looked a little like waw queen phoenix when i finished it. >> stephen: on a rough day. a rough day. >> stephen: paul giamatti, what
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a lovely thing to have you here. >> oh, it's a huge pleasure. >> stephen: i've loved you ever since-- ( laughter ) i saw you on-- >> the burger king commercial! >> stephen: lovely to see you, paul. thank you. >> lovely to see you. >> stephen: the season finale of "billions" airs this sunday on showtime. paul giamatti, everybody! james corden is next. good night. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show, woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho the late late show oh! oh! ♪ it's the late late show ♪


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