tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS October 12, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the late show is stephen colbert is next. >> thanks for watching. have a good night captioning sponsored by cbs >> florida's republican governor ron desantis announcing the state's new surgeon general dr. joseph ladapo. >> he's anti-mask, he's vaccine skeptical, he's appeared at these america's frontline doctors' events with, for instance, i think the demon sperm doctor. >> good afternoon, i'm pleased to be able to be with y'all today to announce that dr. joseph ladapo will be succeeding dr. scott rifkin as surgeon general of the state of florida. additionally, i've got some other equally appropriate appointments to share with you today. for secretary of energy, merle rodney. >> don't try this at home. >> for secretary of fish and wildlife, ned turnhill.
and for secretary of transportation, i have appointed chet. ( bleep ) ( bleep ) >> thank you. if you have any questions, please present them to my newly appointed press secretary. ( speaking in tongues ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, okay, booster. plus, stephen welcomes anderson cooper and musical guest john mayer. featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) hey!
hey, i have missed this! ♪♪ ( cheers and applause ) please, have a seat, everybody! thank you so much. thank you for your help. thank you very much. welcome one and all, in here, out there, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. ladies and gentlemen -- ( cheers and applause ) -- we are 18 months into this coronavirus party, and i think i speak for a lot of us when i say, "barkeep, how about another round of shots?" and we're going to get them, because yesterday the f.d.a. authorized pfizer booster shots for americans 65 and older. that is great news. and-- and-- to make sure only
seniors get the shot, the vaccination site is a denny's between the hours of 3:00 and 4:15. is is ." ( laughter ) now, along with seniors, the agency okayed boosters for those in workplaces with high exposure risk, and "those with high-risk conditions." you know, like diabetes, or living in florida. ( laughter ) ( applause ) and it's not just-- florida! florida! more on that later. or earlier, one of the two. it's not just seniors lining up for shots. this week, pfizer announced that its covid-19 vaccine works in kids ages 5-11. finally, our children will be safe from covid. so they can go back to spreading every other disease known to man. they're adorable-- adorable cesspools.
( laughter ) experts estimate that millions of elementary school students could begin to receive shots around halloween. kids can't get the same dose as adults, so this halloween, get ready for p-fun size p-fizer. but parents, don't forget to check the needles to make sure there's not a razor blade in there. now, not enough americans are getting vacinated because of all the bad advice going around out there. i'll tell you about the latest in tonight's edition of "disinformation station." >> i like big balls and i also lie! ( laughter ) >> stephen: tonight's whopper comes from disgraced former national security adviser and man wearing a halloween mask-- >> audience: boo! >> stephen: --and man wearing a halloween mask, michael flynn, michael flynn. on tuesday, flynn appeared on a right-wing podcast and spread this bit of insanity: >> somebody sent me a thing this morning where they're talking about putting the vaccine into
salad dressing, or salads. have you seen this? >> stephen: yes! have you seen this? >> stephen: nope. can't say that i have. but then again, i don't subscribe to "somebody sent me a thing magazine." "somebody sent me a thing!" that's how he leads off. this man used to be national security adviser. in his advisory capacity, i wonder if he ever walked into the oval office and said, "mr. president, somebody sent me a thing." and, let me get this straight. flynn claims that the government's plan is to sneak the vaccines into american food, and their chosen vessel is salad? ( laughter ) really? you might want to put it in something we actually eat, like pizza hut's vax-lover's pizza. they bake the needle right into the crust. ( cheers and applause ) oh, man... i could go for a slice, always. where did flynn get the idea?
well, it was likely spawned by a new study about how mrna vaccines could one day be grown in edible plants such as lettuce, meaning they could be stored at room temperature. yes, the perfect long-term storage device: lettuce. next, it's going to be avocados and unrefrigerated shrimp. ( laughter ) but fact-checkers have already evaluated flynn's claim and declared, the covid-19 vaccine is not being put into salad dressing, nor has anyone proposed such a thing. so it's been debunked. but i'm still suspicious. if salad dressings are so innocent, how come they're made in a hidden valley? ( laughter ) that ranch should be on top of a hill, where we can all see it! now, if true-- if true, who's behind this? is it the russians? is it the french? is it the italians? or is it the creamy italians?
the zesty italians? you could search a thousand islands and never find the answer. and i for one pray to the green goddess that is doesn't rewrite my d.n.a. and make me a new man. i hope i don't vina-regret getting it. blue cheese. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. thank you. i'm angry! angry! am i? i'm suspicious. >> jon: yeah, yeah. >> stephen: now -- vaccines aren't the only way to stay safe. there are also masks. and in an effort to protect new yorkers on the subway, the m.t.a. is going to start issuing $50 fines to riders not wearing masks. ( cheers and applause ) yeah, damn straight. about time. about damn time. you hear that, subway break- dancers who are selling sandwiches while masturbating?
put on a mask or there will be consequences!spea of sturbatinge u. general ably is this week. aderto meet and exchange innovative covid strains. going into it, the u.s. and france were having a bit of a kerfuffle. or, as they say in french, "un petit kerfoo-flay." it started last week when french leaders got mad about a deal between the u.s. and u.k. to build nuclear submarines for australia. and nothing is more insulting to the french than being left out of a three-way. ( laughter ) now, france-- france got their pantaloons in a chignon because they had their own deal to build submarines for australia, but the aussies backed out, saying french submarines were inferior ( au r) ofred by theu. it'sth subrine, .
technology, and the french ones look like this: >> beep-- hungh-hungh. beep-- hungh-hungh. beep-- hungh-hungh. beep-- hungh-hungh. beep-- hungh-hungh. >> stephen: they're very, very loud. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: they go stale, you have to make them into croutons the next day. ( laughter ) the feud was so ugly that for the first time in history, the french ambassador to the u.s. was recalled to paris. in retaliation, the u.s. state department recalled emily from paris. one guy who liked the submarine deal was british prime minister and man whose mother was a haystack, boris johnson. johnson spoke to the u.n. yesterday, and addressed the issue of climate change with the seriousness it deserves. >> when kermit the frog--
kermit the frog sang "it's not easy bein' green"-- you remember that one? i want you to know, he was wrong. he was wrong. it is easy. it's not only easy, it's lucrative. and it's right to be green. although he was also unnecessarily rude to miss piggy, i thought. kermit the frog." >> stephen: (as boris) "we have been as cruel to the climate as statler and waldorf were to fozzy bear. remember that episode? animal is beating the drums of alarm, and we must heed the garbled ramblings of the swedish chef-- he's very upset about sea-level rise! if we don't act, things will go gonzo. but some day, we'll find it, the rainbow connection. in conclusion, mahna-mahna. doo-doo, doo-doo-doo.
mahna-mahna. ( cheers and applause ) now, what other shows do my six newly-revealed children love?" johnson went on to explain that on the geological scale, humans as a species are in their adolescence. >> we are now sweet 16. we have come to that fateful age when we know roughly how to drive and we know how to unlock the drinks cabinet, and to engage in all sorts of activity that is not only potentially embarrassing but also terminal. >> stephen: unlocking the drinks cabinet? way to make it relatable, mr. oxford. (posh accent) "it's like your first illicit kiss with the governess as she brings you your cream tea. you feel something stirring in your jodhpurs, and you simply must tell nigel at the duke's christmas luncheon! you know, climate change!" we've got a great show for you tonight. ( cheers and applause ) my guest is anderson cooper. but when we come back, "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪
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♪♪ >> stephen: jon batiste and "stay human," everybody! ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: whoo! whoo! >> stephen: fantastic. >> jon: yay! >> stephen: jon, i got it right here, i got the cards. i'm talking to our dear friend anderson cooper is here tonight. >> jon: all right. >> stephen: anderson cooper 360. baby blues. he may not even know this. this is a red letter night. this is anderson cooper's tenth appearance on "the late show." ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: that's amazing. >> stephen: yeah. he gets a free hoagie. ( laughter ) i got to punch his card. remind me to punch his card before he leaves, else it's not valid. can't give him the sandwich if he leaves. it's the weekend. you or anybody else in the band got any gigs coming up?
>> jon: global citizens fest. >> stephen: oh, yeah! this weekend! >> jon: yes. >> stephen: i remember that thing. >> jon: yes. >> stephen: who all is playing. >> jon: we all are. >> stephen: who else will you be playing with other people or are you going to do your own set. >> jon: we're going to do our set, performances with cindy lauper, leslie kara, chris martin. >> stephen: wow. >> jon: i think there's a great intro we're actually creating with people all across the world playing at the same time. >> stephen: on the great lawn. >> jon: great lawn. >> stephen: central park. >> jon: saturday. >> stephen: good luck with that on the weather. >> jon: yeah. yes. ( applause ) >> stephen: because the last time you and i were together on the great lawn was for the "we love new york" concert coming back. at the time, it was the highest hourly single rainfall in the history of new york that night. ( laughter ) have a great show and bring scuba gear. ( applause )
>> jon: yes, indeed is that true story. >> stephen: you know, folks, i spend a lot of time right over there, poring over the day's newsiest, most topical nautical records to determine the rough positions of the day's trending shipwrecks. i then use the latest sonar tech to locate and find the orientation of the finest salvage site. then my team of certified and licensed comedy divers descend to the ocean floor and use cutting edge underwater cameras to stitch together the detailed 3d-modeled historic atosha shipwreck site of satirical observations that is my monologue. but sometimes, sometimes, folks, i wake up naked by the docks and covered in pirate tattoos, blast a string of whippets, then stagger into the festering hudson river, where i slowly sink through the murk until i impale myself on the rusty axle of a sunken taxi in the tetanus- laced crime scene of news that is my segment... >> "meanwhile!" ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: that was an emotional rollercoaster. but that's what "meanwhile!"
gives you. meanwhile, grab your loved ones and make your peace with the lord, because it's pumpkin spice season. ( cheers and applause ) pumpkin spice is everywhere this year, from pumpkin spice ravioli, to bud light pumpkin spice seltzer, to the ultimate travesty, pumpkin spice cup-o- noodles. the perfect blend of "autumn" and "i don't get paid till friday." if food isn't your thing, try a pumpkin spice-scented face mask. it has notes of nutmeg, cinnamon, and whatever you ate for lunch. meanwhile, this video is going viral of a little boy who didn't want to go to school, so he took matters into his own hands.
>> stephen: do not play rock- paper-scissors with his kid! and that is clearly not his first time doing that! look at how he whips out that shiv, and gunhhh! he just escape from baby prison? and i think he wants it to be on camera. he's clearly sending his parents a message. (as tough guy) "you wanna send me to school? you'll be sleepin' with the goldfishes." meanwhile, in baseball news, m.m.a. lightweight superstar connor mcgregor threw out the first pitch at a cubs game on tuesday night. and it went super -- oh, there you go. congratulations, connor, on successfully throwing the ball back to your native ireland. ( laughter ) still, for the cubs, pretty good pitch. ( laughter ) meanwhile -- there are white sox fans in the audience tonight. ( cheering ) meanwhile, this past sunday... we won an emmy! ee piano riff )
it's this way, right? there you go. >> jon: yeah, whoo! whoo whoo! >> stephen: not only did we wen an emmy, we won fashion because "variety" said that my head writer ariel dumas rocked her pink and red dress with blue accessories, while purewow said that my writer eliana kwartler totally turned heads in her bold fuchsia gown. i'm not surprised. these two women look hat elegant every day... is what they wrote in this script i'm reading. ( laughter ) sadly, folks, we can't have nice things anymore. sadly, we can't be happy all the time because the fashionistas have gotten their claws out, because they were also included
in the "worst" part of the list for: "2021 emmy's red carpet round-up of 30 memorable looks from worst to best," on the website of the world's pre- eminent fashion experts: boston's rock 92.9 f.m. boston's rock leader. i've long relied on boston's rock 92.9 fm for fashion advice. after all, who's more qualified to comment on someone's appearance, than people who work in radio? ( laughter ) so what did boston's rock leader have to say? apparently, they felt that "the red and pink dress ariel dumas is wearing with an indigo purse and earrings is just too much of a clash," and "too shiny and too pink, eliana kwartler's dress hurts our eyes." no you don't, boston's rock 92.d you come for my writers, you come for me.
and you best not miss. you have now triggered an emergency clap-back edition of my emmy-award winning fashion segment: >> stephen: we have a breaking fleek slaying. first of all, boston's rock 92.9 fm, how dare you malign my writers like this? and in the middle of classic rock's most sacred month-- zeptember?! second of all, eliana and ariel looked exquisite. this blindsided me, coming from the home of style experts like al beck, greg beharell, and of course, the anna wintours of radio, dave and chuck the freak. ( laughter ) ok, i'm not surprised hear this from dave, but i expected more from the freak. ( laughter ) but now boston's rock 92.9 f.m. has betrayed me, and i'll have to start getting my fashion
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♪♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to "the late show." my guest tonight is a cnn anchor and "60 minutes" correspondent. please welcome back to the late show, anderson cooper! ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ >> stephen: welcome back. >> thank you, it's great to be here. >> stephen: welcome back. your tenth appearance on "the late show." >> i was amazed. >> stephen: i was, too. i would have said like three. >> stephen: age cannot wither nor custom steal. you're anderson cooper. it's fresh, all the time.
>> who -- >> stephen: shakespeare, you heard of him? >> yeah, yeah, great work, i love his stuff. >> stephen: jon and i were just talking about how he and the band are going to be playing at the global citizen -- >> jon playing in the park singing freedom was like the greatest performance i'd seen in a long long time. ( cheers and applause ) i was really blown away. >> stephen: the thing is the people out there the people may not know or remember is that, while half of that concert got out, you weren't the last, barry manilow came on after you. >> it shut down. >> stephen: it started raining, historic flooding came to central park. and people don't necessarily know you were hosting a four- hour broadcast on cnn of the concert, the last two hours of which was a wet camera pointed at an empty stage while you vamped endlessly.
>> for hours. thing is, i got the gig because my boss said, you know, we need someone to be anchor in the &-pg to be there and they were going to be doing it all. but in case something happens, will you sit in the anchor desk? yeah, sure, i don't know anything about the concert. i was i'm there reading the newspaper hour after hour and all of a sudden the concert ends unexpectedly two hours, and they're, like, you're on the air! i was, like, uh, okay, let's do this! >> stephen: what's the game plan? is there somebody in your ear going, we're getting carlos santana -- >> thankfully, carlos santana had agreed to come in right after his performance. we banked an interview with carlos santana which literally he exists in another realm. he dropped in our realm for a short amount of time and i don't know what he said in the interview but i loved it. >> stephen: it was like
listening to a shaman. we all went on the great hunt of the antelope with you. a complete trip. and then barry manilow. >> we were all on peyote and then we were in the desert -- ( laughter ) >> stephen: i did not leave immediately as soon as it started raining. i don't leave my friends in a lurch. i turned to my show runner and said do we have a number for cnn because i want to just kill time because i'm watching a man because i'm watching a man drown on national television. this is is a clip of our conversation. >> good. i want to say, i am watching historic broadcasting right now. ( laughter ) i am enjoying this moment of you killing time of your spinning straw into gold, it's absolute chaos back here. yeah. paul simon has busted the strings out of his guitar. he's gotten into the guitar hole.
he's canoeing back to his apartment on 72nd street. >> hey, can i talk about the photo you've got up of me? do you not know anybody who knows photoshop? take a little bit of the leather off the left side of my face. you should get this stuff and put it on a d.v.d. collection. you have an hour with carlos santana. a four and a half hour interview with barry manilow. >> stephen colbert, i'm going to let you go because i know you have important things to do. patty smith is on the line. are you still there. >> stephen: yes, please tell patty i won't be able to give her a ride home. she'll have to uber but i'll venmo her for whatever it costs. >> stephen: that was the most fun i've ever had with you. >> seriously great television. >> stephen: we have to take a quick break. stick around. back with more anderson cooper. ( cheers and applause ) ♪♪
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( cheers and applause ) ♪♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody! we're back here with the host of anderson cooper 3660, anderson cooper. anderson, you have6 a new book now, it is called "vanderbilt: the rise and fall of an american dynasty." >> yep. >> stephen: okay, but, also, these are your relatives. >> yes, they are. >> stephen: some may not know. that was my whole plan to not have people know.
>> stephen: that you are a vanderbilt on your mother's side. >> my mother was gloria cooper, her family was the vanderbilts. i just am her son. >> stephen: you never saw yourself as a vanderbilt? >> no, at a young age i looked at the vanderbilts and the coopers who were farmers in the depression and how they ended up and lived their lives, i was, like, i'm going for the coopers, that's going to be my model. i don't think anything good can come out of the vanderbilt side. >> stephen: having done that mental and spiritual work in your own life to not be a vanderbilt, what's it like to dig into it now. >> it was fascinating. i really knew nothing about them and in talking to my mom before she died two years ago, i realized she didn't know anything about them, either. she was the last vanderbilt. she was sort of the last vanderbilt her birth and death
made the front page of the "new york times." she's born in 1924 when the vanderbilt riches seemed endless and seemed to go on forever which they did not. >> stephen: it fascinates me cornelius vanderbilt built one of the greatest fortunes of all time and all of it's gone. >> it's been gone for a long time. no one knew it, but now they to. cornelius vanderbilt, he -- his statue is outside grand central station, he founded it, 16 acres all around there, i'd like it back. when he died in 1877, he had $100 million, which is an insane amount of money today, but in 18 up-- in 1877, it boggled the imagination. one out of $20 in circulation belonged to vanderbilt. he had more money than the u.s. treasury. >> stephen: when we come back, anderson has an extraordinary story about his mother that he has never told. stick around.
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working at recology is more than a job for jesus. it's a family tradition. jesus took over his dad's roue when he retired after 47 year. now he's showing a new generation what recology is all about. as an employee-owned company, recology provides good-paying local jobs for san franciscans. we're proud to have built the city's recycling system from the ground up, helping to make san francisco the greenest big city in america. let's keep making a differene together. >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back. i am here with the author of
"vanderbilt: the rise and fall of an american dynasty," anderson cooper. the book -- this boo >> yeate to your mn >> stephen: who passed away, as you said, in 2019, and she was a public figure from the time she was a baby. >> that's her on the cover with her mom. >> stephen: that's gloria her mother and little gloria. >> my mom was this amazing -- i always viewed her from the time i was little, my dad died when i was ten, and i viewed my mom as e.t., a space alien whose spacecraft crashed and landed on earth and it was my job from ten on to help her rent apartments and buy groceries and help her navigate modern times. >> stephen: what was it like to have her -- >> she was great. she was not the kind of mom who, you know, did stuff for you, but, um -- >> stephen: one of the hallmarks of being a mom is doing stuff for you.
>> that's overrated -- dinner, meals. we had a lot of aqua veet in the refrigerator. >> stephen: swedish liquor. yeah. didn't taste good. but, yeah, but, no, she was just kind of nutty. she would come up with just ludicrous ideas. i've never actually told this on tv before, but when she was 85, i get this call from her and she's like honey, there's something i really need to talk to you about, which in my mom's vocabulary, that meant, like, i'm redecorating the apartment and you're going to pay for it and then i'm going to redecorate it like a week later and you're going to pay for that, too. so i had to steel myself. i went to her house and say what is it you want to talk about. she said, well, the most incredible thing happened. i thought, my god, what can this be. and she said, i went to the gynecologist last week -- and i thought, ugh, really? it was not unlike her to start a
sentence like that. she told me the most amazing thing. she told me, i could still bear a child. when my mom said this stuff, as she often did, you couldn't be negative meaning, you couldn't be realistic and tell her what you thought, and talk sense into her, you had to be supportive. >> stephen: the last time an 85- year-old woman bore a child was in the old testament i think. >> something like that. people wonder how in interviews i can stay stone face and list on the people say bat ( bleep ) crazy things, i grew up with gloria vanderbilt. ( cheers and applause ) i'm sitting there and thinking, don't be negative, but how do i convince my 85-year-old mom not to have a child right now because that's a question we've often asked ourselves, i'm sure, all of you have, a very
relatable story. i started saying things, like, first of all, mom, i do, i find that fascinating and incredible that a licensed gynecologist told you that you could have a baby at 85. but, you know, i think you need to think about it. i think you need to take some time with it. >> stephen: big decision. >> it's very labor intensive, no pun intended, and let's do some math. let's see, you're 85. when the child goes to college, you will be, oh, 105. how does that math sound to you? anyway, she says to me, honey, i'm not talking about having a child of my own, i mean, that's crazy, i'm 85. i was, like, oh, great, of course. i said, what are you talking about? she goes, well, you can get an egg anywhere today. and i was thinking you get an egg and fertilize it with your sperm and i'll carry your child. ( laughter )
yeah. yeah. so we tried it, and -- ( laughter ) literally, ( laughs ) i, like -- i was ( laughs ) just stunned. and i finally said to her, i was, like, you know, mom, i love you, but even for you, that is just bat ( bleep ) crazy. that is just nuts. that is so weird on a whole new level. that kid would be on the first page to have the new york post his whole life. two years later i get a newspaper clipping from my mom and the headline is grandmother bears child for son, and it's some woman, i think, in italy who is, i think, 65 or something or 70, and it's a photo of her in the labor room in the
stirrups, and she had a gay son and his husband, and it was the husband's sperm that fertilized the egg that his partner was carrying. anyway, the photo is she's in in thing her sonnd hth her legs husband are ( laughs ) right there, ready to catch. ( laughter ) and my mom has circled it and written in a note, see - exclamation mark. >> stephen: you're a bad son. yeah, bad son. >> stephen: you're a bad son. yeah. ( applause ) >> stephen: oh, there's so much more to talk about but there's no more time left. >> i'm sorry, that was a long story. >> stephen: no, it's fantastic. one other thing, legally when you're here, we have to show an adorable picture of you and your son wyatt right there. >> he's so great. >> stephen: now that you've finally embraced the other half of your family by writing about the vanderbilts what do you hope
your son gets from knowing about his extended family? >> my dad wrote a book about his family growing up in mississippi and it's important to me because he died when i was ten and he wrote it as a letter to my brother and i because he knew he probably wasn't going to see us grow up into adulthood. and i hope to be around for my son. but, i kind of-- i didn't know what i would tell him about the vanderbilts, which is why i really started to do this research. i hope he makes up his own mind about how they lived and the choices they made and certainly the mistakes that they made and the contributions that they made in some ways. but i hope he sees it as something from his, you know, a small part of his family's distant past, but i hope he just, you know, it's a story from his past, but i hope his future-- he knows is his to write for himself and that he shouldn't be beholden or view himself as a vanderbilt, he
doesn't have that name, that's not who he is, and he gets to write his own story moving forward. >> stephen: anderson, always lovely to talk to you here or on the phone. his book, "vanderbilt: the rise and fall of an american dynasty," is available now. anderson cooper, everybody! we'll be right back with a performance by john mayer. ( cheers and applause )
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>> stephen: and now performing "wild blue" from his album "sob rock," john mayer. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ never seen the sun before laying on the ocean floor ♪ walking through the wilderness and living off the loneliness ♪ oh, wild blue deeper than i ever knew ♪ wild blue on a bed of grey
♪ oh baby, what a wild blue i found myself when i lost you ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ yeah, yeah ♪ all the tears i meant to cry dance across the evenin' sky ♪ and in my sorrow, i can see that missing you belongs to me ♪ oh, wild blue deeper than i ever knew ♪ wild blue on a bed of grey ♪ oh baby, what a wild blue i found myself when i lost you
♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: john mayer, everybody! that's it for "the late show." james corden is next. good night. captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show! woo! ♪ the late late show-oh-ho! the late late show! oh! oh!