tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS August 9, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
captioning sponsored by cbs >> a landmark u.n. report says disasters like wildfires and extreme drought are being fueled by climate change, and the report says there's no denying humans have caused the climate crisis. some of those changes, it also notes, are irreversible. the planet is getting hotter, and it's actually happening faster than we thought. the u.n. secretary general calling this report a code red for humanity. ♪ >> the power is yours! climate is getting worse! is calls for captain planet, and fast! >> let our powers combine. >> earth! fire! wind! ater! heart! what time is it? captain planet, the world is on fire!
>> oh, now you're concerned. i have been warning you for decades! now beat it, i'm trying to forget! ( gulps and belches ) >> but we need you to save the planet, we still have a chance. we're d the ep i want to catch the next rocket out of this firetrap. my advice is drink heavily and wait for the sweet darkness to come. >> is there anybody else that can help? >> let's try woodsy owl. hey, woodsy! >> too late! i don't give a hoot, i'm drinking absolute! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, delta delta. plus stephen welcomes stephen king! and winston duke! featuring jon batiste and "stay human." ( rs andlaus)on tom th ean thea!
>> stephen: what's going on? i like it! like deem sickles. good to see yawl. ( audience chanting stephen ) >> stephen: hey! thank you, ladies and gentlemen! ( cheers and applause ) ( piano riff ) welcome one and all to "the late show." i'm your host stephen colbert. i just want to -- ( cheers and applause ) well thank you! thank you. you're my favorite kind of people, fully vaccinated and chanting my name. ( cheers and applause ) we've been off for two weeks and i completely unplugged from the news. plugged in again last night, and now i need a vacation.
( laughter ) the news is a little rough. there's a fourth wave of coronavirus, we just got a global warming red alert for humanity, there are wildfires consuming northern california and greece, so naturally there's one question on everyone's mind: did i go to barack obama's birthday party? ( laughter ) ( cheering ) ( applause ) >> jon: i saw. >> stephen: i know. see, this weekend obama turned 60. in just 18 years, he'll be old enough to be president. ( laughter ) he decided to celebrate by throwing a huge blowout on martha's vineyard. everybody who is anybody was going to be there, including yours truly. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: here's the thing -- a hot ticket is what it was. but given the whole pandemic thing and the delta variant, a
celebrity mosh pit was maybe not the wisest choice, so obama scaled back the guest list for his party. he was forced to limit the invites to only his closest beyonces.lo peomiut.for inance,t late-night talk show hosts david ttn and conan o'brn were cut from the guest list. but you know who they say wasn't? comedian stephen colbert. ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: hey! >> stephen: yeah. i mean -- it makes sense, i am known to fill in when letterman drops out of something. ( laughter ) and i know what you're thinking: so, steve, what was the party like? ( laughter ) i don't know. ( laughter )
i didn't go. in the massive scaling back, i got scaled. ( laughter ) as soon as we heard, evie said, "that makes sense, comedians should be the first people cut." and i don't think she was talking about just parties. liboats and stuff like that, too. ( laughter ) now, the news that i didn't go might be news to some people in the news. the "boston herald" reported that the guests included late-night host stephen colbert and his wife, evelyn, who also own property there. which, of course, leads to the question: so, steve, what's your house like on martha's vineyard? ( applause ) i have no idea. "boston herald," could you please send me the address and the keys and maybe the alarm code? i'd love to stay there someday. i don't own a house on martha's vineyard. ( cheers and applause ) here's "daily mail, too. here's what happened: we were invited.
honored to be. totally going. evie got a nice dress. i got a nice jacket, really nice pants, expensive enough to give you an italian ass. we booked a flight, got a hotel. and then, five days before the party, i got a voicemail saying they were scaling back. message received. once we called them back and said "so, are we cut, or was this just an f.y.i.?" they said, no -- ( piano riff ) ( laughter ) -- but we had the flight, we had the hotel, so evie wondered if we could still go to martha's vineyard, and since it was all nonrefundable, i said, "yes, we can." ( laughter ) ( applause ) and i guess that's why the press thought i was still invited, because "daily mail" spotted me in the airport, in all of my celebrity glamour.
work! you twork work! fantastic! and i understand why they printed those because look at those legs. come on, baby! we know that sex sells! anyway, we didn't go to the party, but still had fun. it's a beautiful island. it just goes to show, kids, that if you work hard, put in your time, and get the number one show in late night television, you too can get disinvited from the cool kids' party. ( cheers and applause ) by the way -- ( cheers and applause ) true story. true. by the way, mr. former president, my own 60th birthday is coming up in three years, and you, sir, are not... going to want to miss it. please come. i'd be so honored you came. i'd scale me back just to make room for you.
and my shell, obviously. it's not just obama's birthday party. the delta variant is ruining a lot of plans. i'll tell you all about it in my newest viral segment, "the delta blues." ♪ down at the crossroads better get my shot ♪ ♪ yeah, we're down at the crossroads, better watch your is not ♪ ♪ asked the lord above for mercy 'cause covid sucks a lot ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: nicely done. beautiful, beautiful. sold his soul to the devil for that song. ( laughter ) earlier this summer, it looked like the pandemic might be ending. in june, the u.s. was averaging about 11,000 cases a day, but thanks to the delta variant, we're right back in "muddy waters," because now the number is over 100,0 sec.
it w 1 -- it was 11,000 the beginning of may. it was 107,000 two months ago. it's geproduction rate of r-8, carry the 1, that equals -- ( laughter ) omigod, someone else touched this machine! all right, all right, there you go. there you go, buddy. there you go. oh, i've missed you vodka hands. ( laughter ) ( applause ) this fourth wave is being caused by the delta variant, which has a shorter incubation period and spreads much faster than covid classic, as one epidemiologist
explained: >> this is maybe the most contagious virus that we've ever seen in living emory. >> stephen: yes, it's going through america faster than mono through a high school drama cl l( laughter )oclarr brillnt.( hter ) ( applause ) i want a second opinion that says everything is going to be okay. somebody call doctor bobby dum-ass. as with all bad news, there's bad, and then there's florida, which has broken its own record for new coronavirus cases. look how red and inflamed that thing is.
someone better wrub some ointment on the panhandle! one tv doctor explained it this way: >> it's so high in florida that i think that if florida were another country, we would have to consider banning travel from florida to the united states. >> stephen: good luck! ( cheers and applause ) you can clap all you want, you will never keep floridians out. you could build a wall, but they'd just pound mojitos and banana boat right over it. ( laughter ) there's one florida man who's not worried: governor and caveman asking -- ( booing ) >> stephen: -- hold for booing - ( laughter ) -- ron desantis. desantis isn't worried. he says that the spike is seasonal, as floridians spend more time together indoors to
escape the summer heat. it's just like when the governor of pompeii announced, "hey guys! ignore the rain of ash! it's just volcano season! okay, let's all make a fun pose for no reason!" ( cheers and applause ) too soon? too soon? it's not just the plague that keeps getting worse. it's also new york governor and guy hearing -- ( booing ) >> stephen: that's called an insta-poll we did right there. ( laughter ) >> stephen: new york governor and guy hearing the news about andrew cuomo, andrew cuomo. ( laughter ) but he may not be governor much longer given the report that just dropped from the new york attorney general, which found that cuomo sexually harassed multiple current and former staffers as well as women who did not work for his administration. so, he only harassed two kinds
of women: those who worked for him and those who did not. ( laughter ) the report confirms accusations made by 11 women against cuomo, and includes disturbing details like he allegedly, ran two fingers across the chestof an energy company employee, grabbed the rear of an unnamed employee and asked an aide if she had piercings anywhere other than her ears. interesting question, governor. follow up: do you have piercings anywhere other than your nipples? ( laughter ) joke's based on a true story. ( laughter ) the day the report dropped, the governor responded in a lengthy pre-recorded video that maybe didn't address all the accusations. >> "the new york times" published a front-page picture of me touching a woman's face at a wedding nd kissing her on the cheek. that is not front-page news. i have been making the same
gesture in public all of my life. i actually learned it from my mother and my father. it is meant to convey warmth. nothing more. indeed, there are hundreds if not thousands of photos of me using that same gesture. i do it with everyone-- black and white, young and old, straight and l.g.b.t.q. powerful people, friends, strangers, people who i meet on the street. so) "i'm hcausi it to everyone. ( laughter ) no one's safe! black, white, straight, gay, consenting, non-consenting
those who see it coming, those who are surprised, sleeping people, people who are awake, but who are wishing this were all a bad dream! i learned it from my folks! it's a family recipe!" also, kissing people on the cheek is not what he's being accused of. that'se ogizing for not having a permit to grill. ( laughter ) now, in light of the report, many democrats have called for cuomo to resign, including president joe biden. you hear that? joe biden knows you don't touch women like that. you smell their hair and get back to work. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) we've got a great show for you tonight. my guests are stephen king and "black panther" star winston duke. but when we come back, should celebrities wash their children? the answer may surprise you. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪
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bring it hard tonight over there. jon, good to see you again. it's good to see you again. i love the outfit you've got on tonight. >> jon: oh, yes. >> stephen: you seem like strawberry gelato. >> jon: oh, yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i like it. >> jon: wow! it's summertime, i want to feel good, summer. so much going on in this world, we've got to feel good in this life. >> stephen: we do, we do. >> jon: lift it up. >> stephen: up to you to stay positive and hopeful. i'm talking to the one and only stephen king tonight. ( cheers and applause ) and this guy, winston duke, you saw "black panther," you know m'baku. >> jon: absolutely. >> stephen: m'baku is here. he's here. he's a big guy. ( cheers and applause ) he's not just big. he's big in the movies. you see a big guy in a movie and
you meet him, he's like 5-2. >> jon: like the rock. >> stephen: this guy is 6'5 and a half. he eeks actually big. we have m'baku tonight. ladies and gentlemen, it has been two weeks since i have been gone, and they have been hard for those of you who get all your sports news from me. ( laughter ) first, why do you do that? second, the olympics happened! they were great! as always, i'm inspired by the athletes and the feeling of international brotherhood. because the olympics are really about the fact that all of us, no matter our country, have so much more in common than we realize. and it's in that spirit of global harmony that i want to say america won more gold medals than china! suck it, xi jinping! u-s-a! u-s-a! u-s-a! u-s-a!
u-s-a! u-s-a! thank you! of course, the games were a lot different this year due to covid. and with cases on the rise, both the vaccinated and unvaccinated have the same question: what kind of bubble baths are celebrities taking? ( laughter ) i don't know. again, i didn't go to the party. but someone has the answers. and i'll tell you all about it in my new segment: "a-list tub time with the soapy stars." first in the tub, mila kunis, -- ashton kutcher who in a recent interview revealed he and his scrubber mila kunis who in a recent interview revealed that she and scrubbin' hubby ashton kutcher don't wash their two children every day. okay! not the kunis-kutcher bubble bath reveal we were hoping for. kunis explained, "if you can see the dirt on them, clean them. otherwise, there's no point." that sounds less like the policy for cleaning your kids and more like the policy for cleaning your buick. "it's supposed to rain tonight.
just leave mckenzie in the driveway." this interview sent major wavesy scrub-o-sphere. kristen bell sided with team don't-bathe-your-kids, saying "i'm a big fan of waiting for the stink. a, at's biology's way of letting you know you need to clean it up." i don't like to comment on anyone else's parenting, but i will point out that both mila kunis and kristen bell did star in the film "bad moms." ( laughter ) ( applause ) then jake gyllenhaal hopped into the controversy tub, telling "vanity fair," "more and more i find bathing to be less necessary. we naturally clean ourselves." either you're thinking of cats, or i had no idea you were that flexible.
( laughter ) he could do it. i believe it. he can do it all. i bet he could do it. ( laughter ) now, interestingly, gyllenhaal said all this while advertising his new fragrance line. that fragrance: b. eau. ( laughter ) but if you're in a lather about celebrities who won't lather, there's good news from dwayne "the rock" johnson, who says he showers three times a day. i assume that's because it takes three attempts for the water to cover his entire body. "this shower's just for my traps." dwayne went into extreme detail describing his routine, tweeting, "shower-- cold-- when i roll outta bed to get my day rollin'. shower-- warm-- after my workout before work. shower-- hot-- after i get home from work. face wash, body wash, exfoliate." and because he's the rock, his loofah is a hay bale.
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♪ >> stephen: nice to see you again. thanks for being here. >> it's been so long since i have been in front of real people. >> stephen: it takes a little getting used to. ( cheers and applause ) >> it's really sort of wonderful. >> stephen: it is. it is. human contact, it's a rare commodity. >> it's a hell of a zoom screen, i can tell you that. ( laughter ) >> stephen: we have spoken over the zoom, we did interviews over the zoom in the last 16, however long it was we were all locked down. you know, for the people out there who don't know, you've got a place in the state of maine, you've lived there your entire
life. have property values shot through the roof? i hear you can't touch property there. >> it's tough. property is, boop! through the roof. >> stephen: you thought about turning your place into an airbnb or something like that? >> yeah, but there are a lot of skeletons in the closet, man. >> stephen: yes. ( cheers and applause ) >> i don't know! >> stephen: you can check out anytime you like but -- >> you can never really leave! that's right. >> stephen: well, you've written over 60 novels but you're also prolific on twitter. i follow you on twitter. people enjoy your twitter feed. you have been particularly eloquent about governor ron desantis of florida. is there a chance in the future we might see a florida governor as a villain? ( laughter ) of one of your novels? ( cheers and applause ) >> well, that's entirely possible. you know, the thing is, like, i
know the guy fairly upclose because we live half of the year in florida. now, i didn't really want to go, but once you get to be 65 and you don't play tennis very well, it's the law. >> stephen: they come and get you. >> yeah, they come and get you anyway, yeah. >> stephen: you said this recently, you said desantis' policies are right wing, the individual rules and to hell with what happens policies, they're turning a beautiful state into a big i.c.u. ward where even healthy people can barely breathe. >> yeah. well, it isn't just covid. covid is bad enough. but, you know, there was a retainment pool at piney point, and nobody took care of it, and it got old, and it was going to burst. and, so, they vented it. this is only desantis could do this. only desantis could really think of this. they vented it into tampa bay,
and, as a result, red tide is so bad there, there's no questions about masks on the west coast of florida because the red tide is so bad that you have to wear a mask, and there are tons and tons of fish that are dead on the beach, and, so, it isn't just covid. ron desantis is probably not the brightest bulb in the chandelier at the best of times. >> stephen: not a genius. no, i wouldn't say so. >> stephen: not a master mind. he's got that deer in the head lights look somehow. ( laughter ) so, uh -- >> stephen: deer in the head lights hoping that's two motorcycles that are going to go right by him. >> that's exactly right. ( laughter ) >> stephen: as a writer, how is the reality of covid and what we in the united states and what everyone around the world has gone through, this unprecedented thing in the last 100 years, how do you think that will affect
your fiction or really the fiction of any writers because how could you write about the time we're in right now and not include that? >> well, i started "billy summers," the new one, in 2000 and -- oh, thank you! god bless you! >> stephen: it's so important to get out there the news that you write books. > that's right, that's right. ( laughter ) because, you know, the thing is, when you published a new book, you've got to get out somewhere and shake your as a little bit. >> stephen: work that moneymaker. >> shake that mon gaineymaker, baby. i started in 2019, and there was no covid then, and i had a couple of characters that i had to get off the stage for reasons that have to do with the plot. we won't go there. but, so, i said, you know, i tell you what, i'll put them on a cruise ship, and then covid came along, and i said, no, this is probably not going to work. so what i did was i took the
whole book, which was set in 2020, and shoved it back to 2019. now, writers are not going to be able to do that for long. sooner or later, somebody's going to have to deal with this thing head on. >> stephen: we'll have to take a quick break. when we come back i'll ask stephen king what stephen king favorite stephen king stories are. my hygienist cleans with a round head. so does my oral-b my hygienist personalizes my cleaning.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody! ♪ welcome back to "the late show"! i am here with the author of the new novel "billy summers," mr. stephen king. at one point the character billy summers here says writing is also a kind of war. the story is what you carry, and every time you add to it, it gets heavier. all over the world, there are half-finished books because the work got too heavy. have you, stephen king, experienced that heaviness? >> yeah. the worst case, i wrote a book called "the stand "-- . >> stephen: very salient. ( cheers and applause ) >> about a mutating flu virus. any similarities to what's going on now are too close for comfort. but i got about halfway through that book and i got these people to boulder, colorado, and by that time i had a huge cast of
characters who were 20 or 25, and i thought, i don't know what i'm going to do with these people. they've got to rest in this one place, and the book stayed on a shelf for about three weeks while i just went for long walks and tried to figure out what to do with the story. and the worst thing was i was thinking, what if this thing never gets done? you talk about heavy, that was pretty heavy. and then i remember something that raymond chandler said, he said, when you don't know what to do next, bring on the man with the gun. i thought, well, what if somebody blows up about half of these troublesome people, i can deal with the ones that are left, and that's what i did. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: that's nice. that's simple. all right, your fans all have their favorite stephen king books. do you have -- >> we hope. >> stephen: they do or else they wouldn't be fans. do you have your favorite? what are your top five books or
short stories of stephen king, stephen king? ( laughter ) >> well, i think -- >> stephen: write this down, carve this in stone. >> my favorite short story would be called "survivor type" which is about a physician stranded on a little island and he's smuggling heroin, and he's starving, so he eats himself piece by piece. >> stephen: i like that, for the whole family. >> that is family friendly. it could be a disney cartoon. i liked the novel "misery" a lot. that was kind of fun. it was a fun book to write. ( applause ) this is like a led zepplin concert, sort of like play "free bird" and it's all good. >> stephen: that's two. i like a story streaming on apple + and i held on to that for a long time.
the stand. one called "stand by me: the body." and "billy summers," the current one. >> stephen: and "billy summers," the book "billy summers," one of his top five, is available now. the man is stephen king, everybody. stephen, thank you so much for being here! we'll be right back with "black panther" star winston duke! for skin renewal is at night? e bee olay retinol24 renews millions of surface skin cells while you sleep. wake up to smoother, younger-looking skin with olay retinol24. find your rhythm. your happy place. find your breaking point. then break it. every emergen-c gives you a potent blend of nutrients so you can emerge your best with emergen-c. like many people with moderate to severe ulcerative colitis or crohn's disease, i was there. be right back.
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♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: everybody, welcome back! ( cheers and applause ) welcome back, ladies and gentlemen! my next guest is an actor you know as m'baku from "black panther" and "avengers: infinity war." he now stars in the film "nine days." >> it's about the time that you spend. you have been here a few days, but you've lived every second with honesty and intensity. there's no shame in that. now, i want you to think of what you saw on those tvs and pick a moment truly meaningful for you. i know it's not much, but if you allow me, i will do my best to re-create that moment for your
experience. >> stephen: please welcome to "the late show," winston duke! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> oh, my gosh! thank you! >> stephen: have a seat! i have to tell you -- >> stephen: yes, sir. -- i've always wanted to do this, like, james brown band thing. is that okay? >> stephen: like what thing? hit me one time, boom! >> stephen: john, are you guys cool with that? >> let's do it. >> stephen: winston, they're ready anytime you want. >> okay. ( cheers and applause ) time! hit me two times. ♪ hit me three times! ♪♪ whoo! okay! all right!
okay! all right! ( cheers and applause ) i am now putty in your hands. >> stephen: you're known -- a lot of people first knew you from playing m'baku, the leader of the mountain tribe symbolized by the gorilla. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: is it true before you played about one to have the great warriors you used to lie about your height to make yourself smaller? >> all the time. >> stephen: what was the problem? >> i'm 6-5 and and a half and the and a half is a lot of difference. i thought it was so much for people and they would think it's intimidating. i stopped saying the number, and say i'm the rock's height or someone else's height. i would try to make it seem like it was normalized before it was. >> stephen: thinking they wouldn't notice how tall you were when you came in or did you
always just -- were you always there before them and stay seated? >> maybe i've always been there. >> stephen: yeah, may be. yeah. >> stephen: did it actually help? >> no, it did. i would say i'm 6-4. >> stephen: so born and raised in trinidad tobego? >> yes. >> stephen: the new film, which is called "nine days," the nine or nine days is significant in the culture that you grew up in, in what wa i? >> yeah, so in my culture in trinidad tobego, it's believed when a loved one dice, it takes nine days for the spirit to move on. so within that nine days, they'll visit you in a dream, they'll say goodbye, they'll do something, and, you know, that will be like their way of moving on and detaching from this plain of existence. >> stephen: growing up in
trinidad, what were your influences? what did you see in entertainment or performance that you went, oh, i want to do that, this inspires me? >> so much. so many imports are from america. so we have country music, country music is big. >> stephen: really? yeah. it's actually -- we got all the, like, shania twain, i listened to garth brooks and all these favorite things. >> stephen: sure. and then soap operas. so "the bold and the beautiful." >> stephen: "young and the restless." >> "young and restless, and" general hospital ." everybody was in love with victor on "the one and restless" and every guy wanted to be toxic like victor. ( laughter ) the guy everyone really wanted to be was a guy from a show called "santa barbara." do you remember that? >> stephen: not one of my
stories. >> well santa barbara was a show of an hispanic guy who went by the name cruz and w tight skinny fit jeans and ever since skinny tight fit jeans wer called cruz's. >> stephen: everywhere? not everywhere. but every time you wear something tight, look at that cruz! ( laughter ) >> stephen: have you ever performed observe a soap opera? >> i think it might have been in my future at one point. >> stephen: you might be able to sneak in for a cameo. >> trinidad is like a soap opera. the way they fight, the neighbors, they'll come out of their house, pull out a machete and scrape it on this ground and be, like, if you cross this line, i will kill you! and then everyone dies. it's community theater. it's community theater. and then, like, two days later,
you find out they're just cousins. ( laughter ) hit me one time! ♪ boom! >> stephen: the new movie is called "nine days." >> yeah. >> stephen: what's it about? o short and sweet, nine days is about a man in the afterlife tasked with the job of interviewing spirits for the opportunity to be born, and the interview process takes place over nine days. >> stephen: and you're -- i am that man. i play will and the story is inspired by the director's own personal story, his uncle suicided at the age of 50, and in his family all he was told was don't be like your uncle, your uncle was weak. so as he went through his own mental health issues, and depression, he looked into his uncle's life and he wrote this story to redefine the narrative of his uncle because his uncle's life was essentially reduced to this one act, not a full life,
just this one act of pain. and he said, i wanted to rewrite the life by giving him another life in the afterlife so he could deal with that, some of those shadows, and that want character is will, and i play will. >> stephen: well, winston, lovely to meet you. >> absolutely, pleasure. >> stephen: "nine days" is in theaters now. wint wint, everybody! we'll be
can you see my wall of smiles? when i first started using genesys---- i was kind of embarrased at all the love and attention i got from my customers. people are so moved by how much i understand about them. they start including me in their lives. that's helen and her friends. i arranged a wellness retreat for them. look at those ladies. such wisdom. mmm. but it's really genesys that helps me understand people and what they truly need. i'm just glad i can help.
>> stephen: that's it for "the late show," everybody. tune in tomorrow when my guest will be cnn anchor brian stelter. good night. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show, ooh ♪ the late late show, oh, oh the late late show ♪ oh, oh