tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 20, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the late show with the stephen colbert is coming up next. thanks for captioning sponsored by cbs of experimental biology -- >> introducing billy, the meth-addicted bass. fun for the whole family. he's a talking fish who also has a vicious meth addiction! >> all my teeth fell out! watch, every time you come near, he struggles to life and says one of his trademark phrases. >> i'm covered in spiders! get 'em off me! get 'em off! >> he also makes a great gift! as soon as you people fall asleep, i'm going to sell your
tv! >> so what are you waiting for? pick up billy the meth-addicted bass today! >> for 20 bucks, i'll give you a fin job! >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert! tonight, stephen welcomes jason sudeikis! and musical guest yola, featuring jon batiste and "stay human." and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: hey! hey! what a lovely person! thank you for being here. ( cheers and applause )
beautiful! hello, jon! please! have a seat my friends. welcome. welcome one at all, in here, out there, around the world, all the ships at sea, welcome to "the late show," i'm your shows stephen colbert, and i am so happy -- ( cheers and applause ) -- as are you. what a lovely evening. so happy you could join us tonight for a momentous day in history of some people having way too much money! ( laughter ) because for the second time in nine days, a billionaire took a joy ride into the ionssphere. i'll tell you all about it tonight in the space news bezos edition! ( cheers and applause )g dafor n
founder and terminator sent from the future to be your dentist, jeff bezos. this morning, bezos and 3 others were shot into space on this blue origin rocket. jim, c'mon, we can't show that on cbs. thank you. unbelievable. ) i guess it's true what they say, billionaires and their rockets end up looking just like each other. ( laughter ) okay. here's what bezos said before the launch: everybody who has been to space, every astronaut comes back and they say it changed them somehow. >> i don't know how it's going to change me but i know it's going to and i'm excited to find out how. >> stephen: okay, let's see y d!he changed a cowboy hat! a cowboy hat! so he went into space and somehow became extra divorced. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
because, you know, change in image. now, all day, the news networks covered this breathlessly - there was a wing ceremony, there were challenge coins, it was all billed like some big, official, important thing. it is not. it's fun. i love space travel. good for them. but it's not important. here's how i know it's not important. i hosted the last one of these. ( laughter ) okay. for branson. lot of fun, but talk show hosts don't anchor historic events. except of course when arsenio hall interviewed the berlin wall. plus, th times, t landed, the billionauts sprayed each other with champagne, like it's the end of a yacht race. ng is really important, it doesn't need a big, wet celebration. you'll remember: buzz aldrin didn't douse neil armstrong
with gatorade! ( cheers and applause ) i'm making some points tonight. >> jon: i see what you're doing. >> stephen: bezos was sure to spread the thanks around. >> i also, want to thank every amazon employee and every amazon customer. because you guys paid for all of this. so-- ( audience reacts ) ha ha! ha ha! ha ha! it's funny because he doesn't pay taxes-- or his employees. ( cheers and applause ) bezos told the crowd he brought some special objects with him on his flight. >> these are amelia earhart's goggles, the ones she flew across the atlantic with solo. >> stephen: interesting choice for a good luck charm. (as bezos) alright, we got amelia earhart's goggles, a chunk of iceberg from
the titanic, and abraham lincoln's playbill.tto come? okay. ( laughter ) ( applause ) it's been a few weeks since the 4th of july, but today in congress, we got firewo tkentucd man who let the invisible hand of the market cut his hair, rand paul. earlier today, paul got in a tussle with dr anthony fauci. i'm going to show you a clip, and you don't need to understand what rand paul is saying... he clearly doesn't. all you need to know is, he tried to call dr fauci a liar, and the good doctor jackslapped him back to his old kentucky home. >> dr fauci, knowing it is a crime to lie to congress, do you wish to retract your statement of may 11 where you claim that the n.i.h. never funded gain of function research in wuhan? >> senator paul, i have never lied before the congress and i do not retract that statement.
this paper that you're referring to was judged by qualified staff up and down the chain as not being gain of function. >> so you're saying -- >> let me finish... >> you take an animal virus and you increase its transmissibility to humans, you're saying that's not gain of function? >> that is correct and senator paul, you do not know what you are talking about, quite frankly. ( cheers and applause ) and i want to say that officially. you do not know what you are talking about. >> stephen: okay. it's time to call it. time of death 11:41 p.m.cheersn) physician on call: tony ( laughter ) of course, the only way to stop the virus is to get people vaccinated. but that's quite a challenge,
because a new poll found that most americans who still aren't vaccinated say nothing - not their own doctor, or even paid time off - is likely to make them get the shot. these people are die-hard pro-dying. ( laughter ) messaging aieild dwrists.ead to help. among the unvaccinated, 70% said the endorsement of a celebrity or public figure they like is not at all likely to get them to take a shot. hey, i'm a celebrity or public figure and, dammit, i'm still gonna try. so tonight i'm announcing a prize: unvaccinated people, if you get the shot, you will win unlimited oxygen, and a chance to have a private dinner with george clooney, look-alike dante, my cameraman.
( cheers and applause ) he's just as handsome, and he won't talk your ear off about nespresso. ( laughter ) of course all the anti-vax propaganda on fox news is not helping. as one former executive says, the network had contributed substantially and directly to the unnecessary deaths of many americans by fueling hesitation and doubt about the safety of vaccines. no surprise. it's right there in fox news' slogan: we report. you just died. ( laughter ) but fox tries to pass off their anti-vax segments as being about freedom. take, fox friend and contestant on "jeopardy" realizing he spelled his own name wrong, brian kilmeade. on monday, kilmeade defended unvaccinated people who wanted to defy mask mandates: >> if you didn't get a vaccination, that's your choice. but if you did, like i did and
they did and maybe you did, then you should not wear a mask. and if you did and you want to go cliff diving this weekend, you don't have to check with me. it seems a little dangerous, but i'm not gonna judge you. and if you go ahead and put yourself in danger, if you feel as though this is not something for you, don't do it, but don't affect my life. >> 99% of the people dying from covid are unvaccinated. >> that's their choice. ( laughter ) >> stephen: so the brown-haired guy believes that being unvaccinated and maskless is the same as being a thrillseeker who jumps off cliffs. that analogy does work, if you first strap that cliff-jumper to a group of old people. ( laughter ) what's that? oh, dear god. folks, i have to interrupt to the monologue, because we have a breaking taco alert. ♪ why does this always happen on tuesdays? ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
does that math work out? >> jon: yeah, it's tuesday. >> stephen: toad's tews? according to highly-placed sources on the internet, taco bell's menu has been hit by nationwide shortages of ingredients. wow, i had no idea taco bell had ingredients. ( laughter ) i thought it was just extruded. ( laughter ) the bell apologized for the scarcities on their website, but that fell on deaf ears, as customers took to the internet with complaints like for anyone craving taco bell tonight, i'll save you the drive, they don't have chicken or beef, and none of the tacos had lettuce or tomato on them. i went back through the drive through and asked about it and they said they are pretty much out of anything that comes fresh. ( audience reacts ) ooh, that's too bad. because when you want fresh lettuce, you head straight to your nearest taco bell. ( laughter ) just like when we want sushi, evie and i make a beeline for our local walgreens.
( laughter ) but if you're craving a taste of the 'bell, don't worry. because they're introducing a whole new menu with their limited supply. jim? ♪ >> get your mouth ready for taco bell's new loco shortage supreme menu. starting with the grande sour cream lupa, our signature soft tortilla stuffed with twelve zest at this dollops of plain dream. you'll say give meless of our brand-new quadruple drawnch taco, a crispy shell inside a crispy shell inside another crispy shell stuffed in a delicious crispy shell and filled with napkins! want to take it up a nacho? we've got a hot, savory burrito layered with whatever was in deb's car! today it's cough drops and a handful of goldfish crackers, because it's deb's weekend with
bryson! still hungry? blaze your taste buds with the not-chihuahua gordita which is not made from the chihuahua that used to be our mascot. no, we don't know where he went. stop asking! taco bell, it's 2:00 a.m., where else are you gonna go? ( bell sounded ) >> stephen: we've got a great show for you tonight! ( cheers and applause ) my guest is jason sudeikis. but when we come back, i help rescue some rescue dogs. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) pain hits fast. so get relief fast.
ice t, stone cold calling on everyone to turn to cold washing with tide.r fast pain relief. ♪ this is a cold call! ♪ hello, my name is ice t. can you spare a few seconds to learn about cold water washing with tide? hi my name is steve. did you know washing in cold can save you $100 a year on your energy bill. why wouldn't you turn to cold? it helps the environment. what? because stone cold said so. plus, tide cleans great in cold. ♪ this was a cold call! ♪ get ready to set them up with everything they need. ♪ here we go ♪ everything. you got this. ♪ ♪ ♪ why do you build me up ♪ ♪ build me up ♪. ♪ buttercup baby just to let me down ♪
( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: ladies and gentlemen, "bring it on home" with jon batiste and "stay human"! ( cheers and applause ) there you go! >> jon: yeah! >> stephen: folks -- unbelievable. ♪ if you ever change your mind ♪ >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. folks, if you know me, you know that i love dogs. i see a lot of myself in them. i'm loyal, kind, and i will do anything for a piece of bacon. and that affinity for dogs is why i love doing my segment: rescue dog rescue, where we help find homes for real rescue puppies.
i'm proud to say that so far we have a perfect record of every single dog we've ever featured getting adopted. after their appearance on this show. ( cheers and applause ) it's far more successful than our other segment, anybody want a vulture? ( laughter ) now, throughout the pandemic, there was a surge in people adopting pets. but as more people head back to work, shelters are filling up again. which means it's time for another edition of rescue dog rescue. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) hey, everybody! welcome to another edition of rescue dog rescue. here's how she works: we're about to show you some adorable puppies that are actually up for adoption through the north shore animal league america. and to make sure these dogs find a home, we have made up flattering lies about them to make you want to adopt them even more. now, if only there were some celebrity willing to take on the challenge of finding these dogs
food and shelter. ( cheers and applause ) >> i'm sorry, but did somebody say celebrities eating dog food challenge? >> stephen: jason sudeikis, no, i did not say that. >> oh that's too bad. always wondered what that would taste like. see ya around. >> stephen: wait jason sudeikis while you're here, would you be willing to help me get dogs adopted by telling some lies? >> nope. that was my first lie. >> stephen: oh, he's good! ( cheers and applause ) >> all right, let's do this dog and pony show -- hold the
ponies! >> stephen: all right. first up, this is gordon. ( audience reacts ) gordon is so smart that he recently won the jeopardy tournament of champions. even better, in the final round, the answer was gordon, and the question was who's a good little boy? that's right, you are! >> all right. oh, boy. i got you. it's okay. it's okay. it's all right. easy. easy. next up, this is scruffs. scruffs is actually a gifted psychic but will only tell you 'good' things that are going to happen to you and nothing about your next boyfriend travis. ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> stephen: this is bartleby. ( audience reacts ) she invented the add 30 seconds button on the microwave and is now a multibillionaire.
adopt her and you'll get a taste of the back end every time someone defrosts a burrito. all right, calm down, fellas. calm down. ( applause ) >> we're both nervous. it's all right. it's all right. >> this here is ted lassie. ( laughter ) >> yeah, yeah. you get it, right? >> stephen: yes. he is a rare breed known worldwide as a poover, which is a combination poodle and hoover. so when she drags her butt on the carpet, it actually gets cleaner. ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. say hi to pebbles. ( audience reacts ) she's a very affectionate pup. also, due to a clerical error at techlly a caicnt )es is t y'll go tohe?opt d outn't
d on ( laughter ) >> all right. come here. oh, boy! it's okay. come on. come on. >> there right here -- yeah, i'm with you. this is starla. starla once saw david schwimmer buy one of those big pretzels at an airport. better yet, she knows it's not a good story and never brings it up. ( applause ) >> stephen: this is senator ruffkins. he is an actual u.s. senator. but in these divided times, senator ruffkins doesn't see red states or blue states. he sees only grey states because he is a dog. ( laughter ) >> yep. all right. here you go, buddy. yes! >> stephen: oh, lord. come on.
>> this is dr. bruce goldfarb. he's a physician who graduated top of his class at harvard medical. he has a perfect record of curing all the patients he meets. i'm sorry, i misread that: of eating all his patient's cured meats. sorry about that. sorry, doctor. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: meet jangles. she doesn't understand the premise of this bit and thinks it's a cutthroat reality competition called the best bitch. ( laughter ) we've explained it to her many times but she keeps saying she's not here to make friends and these other dogs gotta go. >> yep. yeah, that's true. >> stephen: well, that does it for the rescue.
head to the late show's website: colbertlateshow.com for info on how to adopt these dogs from north shore animal league america. dogs from north shore animal league america. i'll be right back with jason sudeikis. its highly active peroxide droplets swipe on in seconds.r 100% whiter teeth. crestwhitesmile.com ♪ hey, hey, hey ♪ ♪ hey, how you doing baby? ♪ ♪ you look mighty fine, ♪ ♪ i figured i might come your way and ♪ ♪ roll up on you with that golden ticket... ♪ smell irresistible. the new axe effect.
come in for mambo sauce, leave queen of the cookout. what we value most, shouldn't cost more. my psoriatic arthritis pain? i had enough! it's not getting in my way. joint pain, swelling, tenderness...much better. my psoriasis, clearer... cosentyx works on all of this. four years and counting. so watch out. i got this! watch me. real people with active psoriatic arthritis look and feel better with cosentyx. cosentyx works fast for results that can last. it treats the multiple symptoms of psoriatic arthritis, like joint pain and tenderness, back pain, and helps stop furth n't use if you rg to cosentyx. before starting, get checked for tuberculosis. an increased risk of infections and lowered ability tell your doctor about an infection or symptoms,
if your inflammatory bowel disease symptoms develop or worsen, or if you've had a vaccine, or plan to. serious allergic reactions may occur. i just look and feel better. i got real relief with cosentyx. watch me! feel real relief. ask your rheumatologist about cosentyx. i've never slept like this before. we gave new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep to people who were tired of being tired. what is even in this? clinically-studied plant based ingredients passion flower, valerian root, and hops. new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep. (laverne cox) surround yourself with people that know your worth. ♪stand up, when you're standing in the♪ ♪presence of a legend♪ ♪stand up♪ ♪when you're standing in the presence♪ ♪of a legend♪ ♪stand up♪ ♪when you're standing in the presence♪ ♪of a woman that's done done it way before your ♪legs were lknsthta' ♪yobeer snd stand, stand up♪that's done done it way before your
♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey, welcome back, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) ladies and gentlemen, you are in for a real treat. real treat this evening. my guest tonight is a peabody award winning actor you know from "saturday night live," "horrible bosses," and "ted lasso." >> so sorry. no, no need to apologize. danny, what happened between you and earl, that wasn't your fault. you suffered an unlikely and tragic coincidence, not too dissimilar from the scenes of paul anderson's 1999 magnolia. >> the little pony tail.
no, that's the last samurai. you got a little pony tail. my apologize. tom cruise was rocking a pony tail in both films. point, is a tragic occurrence, one time thing. so let's get away from the bad mojo coming off the penalty box and have fun. >> yeah. line up for midnight putine! >> stephen: please welcome back to "the late show," jason sudeikis! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> real human beings. >> stephen: yeah, humans.
isn't that nice? >> i mean, it is. >> stephen: the last time you and i spoke on this show other than the puppy brigade was august or something of 2020. >> yeah. >> stephen: and, of course, it was over the zoom. >> yep. >> stephen: this is much better. >> much better. >> stephen: this is much better. i've got to say, you've made a little -- you've made a name for yourself by wearing cheerful tops. because the dponld globes, where were the globes when you wore the bucket hat and the hoodie, the tie dye hoodie. >> the golden globes. it was another zoom endeavor. i'm taking over for bruce and his cheerful tops. >> stephen: good luck. get ready to google it. they know. everybody knows. but, i mean, you know, it was 2:30, 3:30 in the morning, i didn't just want to wear a suit in my living room. >> stephen: no, you were visually happy to look at.
>> thank you. >> stephen: i was saying backstage a little dangerous because the urge to punch you in the solar plexus is hard to resist. >> you don't wear this to archery. no. ( laughter ) >> stephen: well, i think since last we spoke, what if we got here. you've got the peabd, the gobbled globe, the sag award. >> yep. >> stephen: before this you were jason sudeikis, famous funny guy all right. how does it feel to get all this recognition? >> it's lovely because it's all -- you know, because of people responding to the show. >> stephen: and it's your baby. the show was your good dwrd. >> i mean, sure, sure. but, you know, like any baby, you know, it takes a village, right? >> stephen: right, sure. but congrats yourself on winning a peabody. >> stephen: oh, thanks very much. ( cheers and applause ) and i did all of it. i did all of it. >> you kindly texted me the day we won and you guys won and you
were helpful and reminds me it's one to have the best awards because it's for everyone. >> stephen: literally everyone gets it. the peabodys get it, they know everybody on the show is responsible. >> and you and i come from a similar background, sketch and improv. we're not humorous, erma mombeck or standups. so the fact the show is about an ensimien-- ensemble and the whom wins. and the emmy nominations -- >> stephen: 20 emmy nominations. that goes to everybody else ( cheers and applause ) >> our writers, actors and people in post-production have been honored, so it's nice being me personally or you with our m. we're like the disco ball the light shines on and that spins
off in different directions and people get to dance. >> stephen: like me, you spend a lot of time clubbing. >> that's right. i rarely have a pacifier out of this mouth. ( laughter ) >> stephen: you wore a very interesting t-shirt to the season 2 premiere and got a lot of attention. >> sure. >> stephen: for those who may not know, what is the significance of the names on your t-shirt. >> they're three of the english foot ballers from their national team, the last three young full las that took the penalty kicks. they didn't turn out the way that certainly england would have hoped, certainly a lot of us here in the states would have, too, and worldwide and they caught a lot of gulf online, the three young black men, and our show is rooted in despising things like racism and whatnot but it's rooted and takes place in london and england and it was our way to use this big fancy premiere to spotlight them and let them know
we have their back and how much we support them. ( cheers and applause ) i don't mind taking claps for the show, that's nothing. but what they have gone through, marcus, what he did leading up to the pandemic and helping feed kids who weren't getting lunches because they weren't going to school. i'm just wearing the shirt. ( cheers and applause ) and it was just a way to humanize and personify those three fellas, and it's why i chose to use -- you know, their sur names are on the back of their uniforms, so that's why i use the names the parents gave them because they're kids and young men and should have the opportunity to succeed and fail and tie like everyone. >> stephen: i understand ted lasso the character is based on, in part, on a high school basketball coach that you had?
>> sure, yeah yeah,, yeah. >> stephen: donny campbell. donny campbell was my high school basketball coach. >> stephen: that's also a good name for a coach. >> and he was a good coach. he's from kansas, still alive. ( laughter ) and he's a one of the dudes that spoke in maxims, little sayings. he was a big southern guy and young, he was 31 years old when he was head coach and he would say things like, sudeikis, you look more nervous than a long-tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs! a little deeper voice. and john wooden the u.c.l.a. basketball coach has a great idea of working with people. so big ups to donny campbell for not being too hard on me when i didn't do my homework. >> stephen: jason, we have to take a quick break. don't go any ask jason what he d
do if not this, the path not taken, if you will. of a poppyse! ah, there's no like panera. enjoy the cool, refreshing strawberry poppyseed salad. panera. order on the app today. sweet pillows of softness! this is soft! holy charmin! excuse me! roll it back everybody! charmin ultra soft is so cushiony soft, you'll want more! but it's so absorbent, you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. for people who are a little intense about hydration. neutrogena® hydro boost lightweight. fragrance-free. 48 hour hydration. for that healthy skin glow. neutrogena®. for people with skin. people everywhere living with type 2 diabetes are waking up to what's possible for that healthy skin glow. with rybelsus®. ♪ you are my sunshine ♪ ♪ my only sunshine... ♪
rybelsus® works differently than any other diabetes pill to lower blood sugar in all 3 of these ways... increases insulin when you need it... decreases sugar... and slows food. the majority of people taking rybelsus® lowered their blood sugar and reached an a1c of less than 7. people taking rybelsus® lost up to 8 pounds. rybelsus® isn't for peopl with type 1 diabetes. don't take rybelsus® if you or your family ever had medullary thyroid cancer, or have multiple endocrin neoplasia syndrome type 2 or if allergic to it. stop rybelsus® and get medical help right away if you get a lump or swelling in your neck, severe stomach pain, or an allergic reaction. serious side effects may include pancreatitis. tell your provider about vision problems or changes taking rybelsus® with a sulfonylurea or insulin increases low blood sugar risk. side effects like nausea, vomiting, and diarrhea may lead to dehydration,
which may worsen kidney problems. wake up to what's possibl with rybelsus®. ♪ please don't take my sunshine away ♪ you may pay as little as $10 per prescription. ask your healthcare provider about rybelsus® today. ♪ ♪ ♪ return to rugged. the all-new ruggedly redesigned 2022 nissan pathfinder. ♪ we do it every night. the all-new ruggedly redesigned 2022 nissan pathfinder. do it. run your dishwasher with cascade platinum to save water & energy. certified dishwashers use less than 4 gallons of water per cycle. and you can also save up to $130 dollars per year on your energy bill.
here is you playing a little baseball throwing out the first pitch at the cubs-cardinals game. that's a real classic right there. >> yeah. >> stephen: with the kids, with otis and daisy. >> my manager and agent. >> stephen: what's your sport to be a fan of? what do you enjoy the most? >> probably basketball. when i was growing up football was a war metaphor, and baseball feels like a work metaphor -- nine different jobs, different cubecals and far away from each other. >> stephen: it takes eight hours to play one game. >> yeah, exactly. all that. and, so, basketball was like this beautiful game that, you know, it just was five people working together and subbing in and out and getting tired and helping folks out. and football -- soccer, i should say, as we call it here -- i found that balance. i'm nowhere near as good at it. my thumbs know the sport better than my soul. >> stephen: sure. i think it's got to be
basketball or maybe even a little bit of soccer, at least -- >> stephen: which is often called foot basketball. >> exactly right. >> stephen: basic, same idea, right? >> same idea. and hockey, i can't even make ice much less skate on it. >> stephen: sure. you have to play without a ball. >> without a ball. you have a puck and a stick in your hand. good lord, choose one. too many too many metaphors. >> stephen: what about boxing? what do you want to know? >> stephen: do you have an olympic sport? i have one i want to be focusing on. >> why? >> stephen: i'm not sure i could tell you why. but, listen, i ask the questions here, we'll get to me in a second. don't get me wrong, my answer will be fascinating. >> i know it's wrestling. >> stephen: are you a winter or summer olympics guy? >> i think summer. >> stephen: good. thank you. >> i did a film about jesse owens a few years ago and i
think -- yeah, just better. you have to buy less crap, you know. you run, you jump. >> stephen: what's the event that you most want to watch in the summer games? >> i mean, i do love track and field. i lo love track and field. >> stephen: yes, sir. i'm bummed we don't have our full squad. >> stephen: me, too. i don't understand. pot is not a hormone inducing drug. >> as late night show enhancing drug, though. >> stephen: yes, so i hear. yeah, yeah. >> stephen: i tell you why i like track and field is because you know who won. no one has to tell you what the judges say. who went the faster, jumped the highest, threw the thing the longest. >> no subjectivity. >> stephen: the outfit doesn't
help. >> yeah. ( laughter ) >> stephen: before your "snl" career, you auditioned for blue man? >> yes. >> stephen: before or after str"snl"? >> michael jordan played basketball, why couldn't i be a blue man? >> stephen: you would be a better blue man than he was at baseball. >> when i was doing second city in las vegas, i fell in love with the show. made a lot of friends with the people working there and i went to see it and i thought, i want to do that. so i learned the drumming parts. >> stephen: what's the audition. do you have to paint yourself blue? >> first it's single and triplets and stuff. i used to drive everyone crazy practicing between shows. we got flown out here in august 2001. i made it through the first three days, and the last three days i got the chance to get
bald and blue. >> stephen: and the unitard. to see my face covered in completely one color was humbling because all the guys that i was friends withad great model faces that i didn't realize how much i needed eyebrows and hair. >> stephen: to distinguish one part of your face than the other? >> i looked like a blue dodge ball, like a peanut m&m. i looked at it and i was like, oh, ( bleep ) this gig. like, i'm not going to do this, no way. i don't belong here, i look horrible, and i wasn't a good enough drummer. it's like not knowing your lines in audition. and i remember sweating blue. just dropping on the drum, making little accent notes, ding, ding, ding, like sweat coming off my knows. no, i looked like a butt.
it was horrible. >> stephen: now after the success of ted lasso, you can get in like that. >> yeah. i can hot shot my way in there. >> stephen: good luck. appreciate it. >> stephen: good to see you again. please come by more often. >> always. >> stephen: season 2 of "ted lasso" premieres friday on apple tv plus. jason sudeikis, everybody. we'll be right back with a performance by yola. ♪ ( cheers and applause ) how did kellogg's combine crunchy oat clusters with a touch of honey... plump, juicy raisins and tasty fiber into one delicious cereal? it took a lot of bran-storming. get it? kellogg's raisin bran crunch. two scoops of delicious. get ready to mark it off. and step it up.
♪ ♪ walmart. makes getting it all easier. ♪ ♪ start your day with crest 3d white and from mochaccinos to merlot, makes getting it all easier. your smile will always be brilliant. crest 3d white brilliance. 100% stain removal, 24 hour stain resistance to lock in your whitest smile. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. this is a hero, walking his youngest down the aisle, which to his bladder, feels like a mile. yet he stands strong, dry, keeping the leaks only to his eyes. depend. the only thing stronger than us, is you. it's dry.
team usa is ready for the olympic games, and so is erica! she's got the fastest internet, with wifi speeds faster than a gig. so when all of team usa is going for gold... ...her wifi can power it all, and more. i. love. you. can your internet do that? cheer on team usa with wifi speeds faster than a gig. or, get started with xfinity internet for $19.99 a month for 12 months. switch today.
♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> 99% of the people who are dying from covid are unvaccinated. >> that's their choice. ey don't want to die. so they are -- the administration and the government is saying we need the mask mandate to protect the unvaccinated. >> that's not their job! it's not their job to protect anybody! >> folks, masks and vaccines, government overreach, killing you if you as much as sneeze that's government doing its job. here comes some freedom, guys! thanks, gary. and for unexpected heartburn... frank is a fan of pepcid. it works in minutes. nexium 24 hour and prilosec otc can take one to four days to fully work.
pepcid. strong relief for fans of fast. ♪eh uh, eh uh♪ can take one to four days to fully work. ♪flow (oh my gosh)♪ mee me myosh)♪(oh my gosh)♪ ♪i guess you never know what you got 'til it's♪ ♪flow (oh my gosh)♪ ♪where man go (oh my gosh)♪ ♪if a man see me (oh my gosh)♪ ♪i guess you never know what you got 'til it's♪ ♪eh uh, eh uh eh uh, eh uh eh uh, eh uh eh uh♪ when you really need to sleep you reach for the really good stuff. new zzzquil ultra helps you sleep better and longer when you need it most. it's non habit forming and powered by the makers of nyquil. new zzzquil ultra. when you really really need to sleep.
♪ come on, get your motor running ♪ you just head out on the highway ♪ looking for some tchotchkes ♪ and whatever comes our way ♪ yeah darlin, go make it happen mí amor, take the world in a love embrace ride all of your love at once and explode into space... ♪ born to be wild ♪ start your california road trip and visitcalifornia.com
>> stephen: performing the title track from her new album, "stand for myself," with jon batiste, yola. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ i understand why you close your eyes ♪ why you deaf your ears oh i realize now ♪ you wanna feel nothing just like i was ♪ a coward in the shadows no view from above
♪ now i'm alive it's hard to explain ♪ it took this much time and took this much pain ♪ you can get here if you're willing ♪ let go of yourself for a new beginning ♪ it was easier to sit, than stand for myself ♪ it was easy to give in, than stand for myself ♪ i know why you hide away why you keep so quiet
♪ mind what you say now you think you're too much ♪ too hot to handle you're stronger than anyone ♪ but still so fragile ♪ it was easier to sing, than stand for myself ♪ it was easy to give in, than stand for myself ♪ it was hard enough to go and live on ♪ i was so tired trying to belong ♪ i was lost in the city you could see it in my eyes ♪ but i was still a dreamer in the middle of the night
♪ now i'm a-live, alive i'm alive ♪ i used to be nothing like you i used to feel nothing like you ♪ now i'm a-live, alive i'm alive ♪ i used to be nothing like you i used to feel nothing like you ♪ now i'm alive, alive i'm alive ♪ i used to be nothing like you i used to feel nothing like you ♪ now i'm alive, alive i'm alive! ooh yeah! ♪ ooh ooh ooh coo coo ♪ ooh coo coo ooh coo coo ♪ ooh coo coo ♪ ooh coo coo ooh coo coo ♪ ooh coo coo ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
i'm morgan, and there's more to me than hiv. more love, more adventure, more community. but with my hiv treatment, there's not more medicines in my pill. i talked to my doctor and switched to fewer medicines with dovato. dovato is for some adults who are starting hiv-1 treatment or replacing their current hiv-1 regimen. with just 2 medicines in 1 pill, dovato is as effective as a 3-drug regimen... to help you reach and stay undetectable. research shows people who take hiv treatment as prescribed and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit hiv through sex. don't take dovato if you're allergic to its ingredients or if you take dofetilide. taking dovato with dofetilide can cause serious or life-threatening side effects.
hepatitis b can become harder to treat while on dovato. don't stop dovato without talking to your doctor, as your hepatitis b may worsen or become life-threatening. including allergic reactions, lactic acid buildup, and liver problems. if you have a rash and other symptoms stop dovato and get medical help right away. tell your doctor if you have kidney or liver problems, or if you are, may be, or plan to be pregnant. dovato may harm your unborn baby. use effective birth control while on dovato. do not breastfeed while taking dovato. most common side effects are headache, nausea, diarrhea, trouble sleeping, tiredness, and anxiety. so much goes into who i am. hiv medicine is one part of it. ask your doctor about dovato-i did. ♪
>> stephen: that's it for the late show. tune in tomorrow when my guests will be emily blunt and bob costas. goodnight. ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> stephen: now if only there were some celebrity willing to take on the challenge of finding these dogs food and shelter. ( laughter ) it's a push. ( laughter ) >> little captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show oh, oh ♪ the late late show, ooh the late late show ♪ oh, oh it's the late late show ♪