tv The Late Show With Stephen Colbert CBS July 16, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT
the late show with stephen colbert is next. captioning sponsored by cbs >> college athletes may soon be able to profit from things like autograph signings, endorsements, and social media posts, under new n.c.a.a. recommendations. if passed, the governing board would suspend amateurism rules related to name, image, and likeness. and a temporary policy would allow athletes to engage in this type of activity without violating n.c.a.a. rules. >> huddle up. bring it in, guys. when you walk out onto those hallowed grounds today, the only thing you should be thinking about is dollar-dollar bills.
when you accumulate income, heed these words: no one-- and i mean no one-- is ever happy that they bought a boat. a boat is a hole in the water you throw money into. you say, "hey, i got 25 grand to spend." and then there's repairs, storage fees, cleaning, insurance. all of a sudden, you have to come out of retirement to coach at a school that doesn't have a lake within 30 miles. father. >> in the words of our lord, rent the boat! >> rent the boat! ( cheering ) >> announcer: it's "the late show" with stephen colbert. tonight: the agony of da heat. and, the cast of "f9" answers just one question. plus, stephen welcomes "lord of the rings'" dominic
monaghan and billy boyd. and comedian ali sultan. featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now, live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! hello! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ hello, jon. good to see you. you're looking good. what's up? >> jon: hot outside! >> stephen: oh, that's right! >> jon: hot, hot! >> stephen: wooo! wooo. please have a seat, everybody. thank you so much for just that, right there. welcome. welcome, ladies and gentlemen, everybody in here, out there, around the world, to "the late show." i am your host, stephen colbert. and i-- ( cheers and applause ) i am loving the air conditioning
in here tonight. ( laughter and applause ) because out there, today the country is experiencing a weather phenomenon that meteorologists call "satan's steaming ball sack." ( laughter ) it has been particularly bad in the pacific northwest. yesterday, portland hit 116 degrees. ( audience reacts ) which i believe means portland is medium rare. ( laughter ) safe to eat, though. the heat's so bad-- and this is true-- portland's streetcars had to shut down after the extreme temperatures melted its power cables. passengers were then forced to walk-- which i will remind you, is only twice as fast as riding a streetcar. ( laughter ) >> jon: streetcar names desire. >> stephen: the heat is also shutting down the streets themselves, because causi the roads to buckle and crack. and, of course, the two sweatiest parts of the street are the buckle and the crack. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause )
funnels-- it funnels-- ( laughter ) luckily for those roads, help may be on the way, because after weeks of negotiations, senators have emerged with bipartisan infrastructure bill to shore up our nation's crumbling joe manchin votes. and, joe biden is going on tour to sell the deal. i'm going to catch you up in tonight's installment of my under-construction segment: >> the road to.... someday making a road! >> oh, so close! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: today, the president promoted his infrastructure deal in la crosse, wisconsin. to sell it to wisconsinites, he told them how the legislation will increase jobs, prepare our country for the future, and if those don't work, he's going to have the bill batter-fried with a side of melted cheese. in a speech at a transit hub, the president trotted out his working man bona fides to thank a bus driver who introduced him.
>> back when i was in law school, i drove a school bus during the summers to pick up spending money. and, from one bus driver to another, lori, i want to thank you for all you do to make this city run. >> stephen: the fact is, there's no-- ( applause ) there's no blue-collar job i haven't done. i was a bus driver, just so i could get to my job at the quarry, where i drove a steamroller to moonlight at the hammer factory, and got paid in ham sandwiches that i'd eat out of my hard tack. come on, folks!" ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) hard tack? hard tack? doesn't matter. biden is also pushing his plan on the worldwide webs. yesterday, he published an op-ed titled, "americans can be proud of the infrastructure deal" on the esteemed journal, yahoo! news. ( laughter )g your infrastructure technology into the future is still using yahoo!
( laughter ) next i'm bringin' you g5-- i'm talkin' about gertrude, glenda, gracie, and their gorgeous gams! c'mon, jack! ask jeeves, alta vista." in his-- in his-- ( cheers and applause ) thank you, thank you. i do a striptease from here to here. and in his op-ed, biden says his plan will make public transportation quicker, safer and cleaner. you heard that, new york. joe biden is going to make the subway safer and cleaner. by 2035, by 2035, he promised to reduce public masturbator emissions by 50%. ( laughter and applause ) ( cheers and applause ) oh, there's huge news about the january 6 capitol riot investigation. we may finally learn what we already all know happened, because yesterday, speaker nancy pelosi introduced a bill that will "create a select committee to probe the january 6 attack on
the capitol." it's "h. r. let's get the bastard who stole my podium." ( laughter ) this announcement comes exactly one month after senate republicans blocked an effort to create an independent, bipartisan commission. what a surprise. >> audience: ( booing ) >> stephen: most of you were a little late right there. ( laughter ) ( applause ) okay? what a surprise. asking republicans to investigate the capitol riot is like the plot of my favorite book in middle school, "nancy drew and the case of nancy drew murdered somebody." ( laughter and applause ) that is-- nancy drew-- wait a second. i didn't read a lot of nancy drew-- there were no murders in nancy drew, was there? it was always, like, the case of the stolen locket. >> jon: that's right, that's right. >> stephen: it wasn't like nancy drew and the neighbor who wore your skin, or anything like that. ( laughter ) okay. we make up some of the jokes on this show. ( laughter ) the g.o.p. will have some say, because, under the bill, pelosi
would have the power to appoint eight members to the panel, and five members would be selected after consultation with house minority leader kevin mccarthy. come on, we don't need his input! >> audience: ( booing ) >> stephen: that was a little better. that was a little better. ( laughter ) we don't need his input! this is just like trying to plad canyon! "we asked for your opinions months ago, uncle kevin, and you said bupkis! now we're all in the car, and you don't get a vote! we're not stopping at the corn palace. maybe wall drug. maybe." insiders say-- ( cheers and applause ) >> jon: come on! >> stephen: insiders say mccarthy is likely to suggest loyal magaheads to gum up the works of the investigation. and the creme de la crazy are already volunteering for the job, like georgia representative and woman-- ( audience reacts ) >> audience: ohh! >> audience: no! >> stephen: that's more like it. georgia representative and woman in the matrix who took all the
pills... ( laughter ) marjorie taylor greene, who has been publicly pushing to be seated on the panel. i for one can't wait-- ( booing ) i for one can't wait until she offers up her theory that the halls of congress were actually soiled by jewish poop lasers. ( farting and laser sounds ) ( laughter and applause ) greene is not alone. florida representative and jimmy douche-tron-- ( audience reacts ) >> audience: no! >> stephen: wow! matt gaetz, also openly expressed his interest. as usual, he showed his interest by offering to give the commission a ride home from band practice. >> jon: oh, oh, oh, oh! >> stephen: there are also a slew of books coming out, taking us behind the scenes that led up to january 6. for instance, michael wolff's new tell-all reveals that the
night before the riot, rudy giuliani was "drinking heavily and incoherently telling the former president that pence would overturn the election results." really? i find it hard to believe that this man drinks heavily and talks incoherently. wolff also writes that the previous administration had no idea what a tragedy it was. in fact, for the first 90 minutes, ivanka dismissed it as "an optics issue," and was telling everyone how happy she was that "her children had gotten into a private school in florida." well, that's pretty insensitive. it reminds me of this famous moment: >> it's bursting into flames! ooh, did i mention my son got into harvard? his future is lit! oh, he's studying the humanities. there he is! congrats, kiddo! >> stephen: according to the book, her father was also surprised, telling an aide, "this looks terrible. this is really bad. who are these people? these aren't our people. these idiots with these outfits,
they look like democrats." oh, yeah. the crowd on january 6 definitely looked like democrats. we all remember what biden wore to his inauguration. ( laughter ) ( applause ) he looks good. he's cut, man. >> jon: i remember that! >> stephen: a 78-year-old man. >> jon: yeah, a 78-year-old man putting it out there. >> stephen: speaking of the ex-president's buddies, north korean dictator kim jong-un has recently reemerged after having not been seen in public for almost a month. my guess, he was holed up watching paramount+. paramount+: a mountain of entertainment between uncle-murders. ( laughter ) the world got their first glimpse in a while at the dear leader, and the media noticed something different: north korea's kim looks much thinner! yes, that's what we should all be focused on when it comes to murderous dictators. ( laughter ) reminds me of that "people" magazine cover from the '70s: "pol pot is pol hot." ( laughter )
that said, let's a take look at the new slim kim. here he is before. and here he is after. yeah! he lost 30 pounds of unsightly head. but to be sure that the dear leader has slimmed down, and this is true-- intelligence analysts looked at multiple photos of kim wearing his $12,000 swiss watch, and noticed that compared to a year ago, the length of the strap past the buckle was longer, proving his wrist was thinner. it's all part of the new diet program: weight watcher's watch-watchers. ( laughter ) we've got a great show for you to my guests are the only two hobbits from the "lord of the rings" that i've never interviewed, dominic monaghan and billy boyd. but when we return, the entire cast of the new "fast and furious" movie answers questions from my staff. it's true.
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calling all californians. keep your vacation here and help our state get back to work. and please travel responsibly. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody! welcome back! jon batiste and stay human, everybody. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) jon-- >> jon: hey! >> stephen: my friend. you know why-- i'm always excited to do the show. i'm always up for it. even if i'm not feeling well, i come out here and these people heal me.
( cheers and applause ) >> jon: yeah, you know. >> stephen: just by being here. >> jon: healing energy. >> stephen: just by being an audience... >> jon: picking it up. but i'll tell you why i'm excited tonight, is, tonight i get to finish my collection of the hobbits from "lord of the rings." the only two i've never interviewed before, dominic monaghan and billy boyd, you know, merry brandybuck and pippin took. and, have you-- have you seen those movies? >> jon: no, i haven't seen them. >> stephen: you have not seen those movies? ( laughter ) well, i know what i'm getting you for christmas. ( laughter ) >> jon: yeah. >> stephen: i'm getting you the extended cuts. we've got to watch them together. >> jon: that would be great. ( laughter ) >> stephen: i would absolutely love it. i'm a little nervous they're coming out, though, and i'll tell you why. >> jon: you know everything about it, so. >> stephen: i don't know if i do, because here's why i'm nervous, is that they-- i just saw them backstage, and they told me that they have questions-- they think they can stump me. >> jon: oh! >> stephen: with "lord of the rings" questions. now, it might be true. it might be true that they can stump me, but i... i don't think so.
( laughter ) (eee i don't think so. but stick around, stick around to find out. that's worth a ticket. stick around to find out. i hope they don't ask me something like, "what date did such and such happen?" because dates, that's not plot. that's not-- dates. >> jon: that don't count. >> stephen: "what date was the ring destroyed?" how am i supposed to know that? march 25. ( cheers and applause ) anyway, stick around. folks, summer's here. the country is re-opening, and there's no better feeling than going outside on a sunny day-- then immediately going inside a dark movie theater, because again, it is so hot outside. and for the first time in a year, the summer blockbusters are back! ( cheers and applause ) the biggest one of all is "f9." the latest "fast and furious" movie was released last weekend. finally-- finally, we'll get the answers to all the big questions: who is dom's mysterious brother? has han been alive this whole time? and is that rumbling the carburetor of a v8, or just vin diesel clearing his throat?
( laughter ) i'm not the only one with questions. everyone here at "the late show" wishes they could ask the "fast and furious" stars just one question. so tonight, they do just that. this is "the late show's just one question: f9 edition." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> what's the message of the "fast" movies? >> in my opinion, it's always about family. >> family. >> the theme of "fast" movies seems to be family. >> we've really wanted to bring home the concept of family. ( laughter ) >> what's the best part of working on these movies? >> i would say the quiet moments where we see, you know, the deep, emotional bond that these characters form, and we gain an understanding of their motives. and also, i love it when the cars go fast and ( bleep ) blows up. >> i got a question. what kind of oil should i use?
>> well, you know, it really depends on the engine. >> engine? no, i'm making brownies. >> oh, all right! so you're going to want to stick with the conventional 520 motor oil, but if you're making blones, i'd go for a high- viscosity five-w30 synthetic to give you that peak performance. a t"bu can you convert that to metric? >> of course i can do that. listen, it's "live your life approximately .4 kilometers at a time." >> cheers, mate. >> wait, wait, what does "cheers, mate" mean? >> oh, that's gratitude in metric. in imperial measurement, that converts to... ( sniffs ) "thanks, bro." >> i'm running late for work. anything you can do to help? >> yeah, sure, just use this can of nitrous. >> wow, thanks! >> just, just don't use it all at-- >> oh, ( bleep )! ( crashing sounds ) >> just out of curiosity, what happens to all the cars that get damaged during filming?
>> well, dear, those cars get sent to live at a farm upstate, and they get to drive around with their friends and honk their horns and they're really happy there. >> oh, thank goodness. i was so worried. >> hey, can my car be in the next movie? >> depends what kind of car you're driving. >> a 2001 pt cruiser. pretty cool, right? >> no, not really. sorry. >> it has a six-disk cd changer. >> that's ( bleep ) awesome. you're in. >> why do you think neil and dell don't get along at first? >> what? >> when they're trying to come home for thanksgiving. >> i think you may have the wrong movie. >> no, i'm talking about the first one. "planes, trains, and automobiles." >> that's not part of the "fast and furious" franchise. >> are you sure? >> actually, no, i mean, there are so many at this point. >> poor cat. hey, quick question: what's your favorite car of all time? >> always loved the '70 chevelle.
>> ford gt. i absolutely love that car. >> it's an ice cream truck! spongebob. you know what i'm saying? it's crazy. >> wow, that's crazy, tyrese! me, too. >> that's really good. oh ( bleep ), he's looking at me. dang. >> moving on! i love your music. i bet when you're on set, you say lines from your song, like, "move, bitch, get out my way!" >> now why would you assume that about me? you know what? you need to get back. get back, bro. you don't know me like that. >> do you ever drive fast in real life? >> no, no, i don't. it's against the law. but i do drive furious. yes, i drive slow and furious. >> john cena, what was it like joining this team for the ninth movie? >> oh, man, i've been in all the movies. i was just off-camera. i was doing the sound effects of
the engines. >> really? >> yeah, i mean, check it out. ( motor revving ) ( tires screeching ) ( horn honking ) >> you're clearly the strongest person in the franchise. what's your secret to bulking up? >> well, i'm absolutely jacked to the gills on human growth hormone. you wouldn't believe how small my testicles are. >> hey, vin diesel, i love these movies. huge fan. can i get a high five? ouch! >> oh, sorry, my bad. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: thank you to the cast of "f9"! check it out in theaters now. we'll be right back with merry and pippin themselves, dominic monaghan and billy boyd. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( cheers and applause ) i suffered with psoriasis for so long. i felt gross. people were afraid i was contagious. i was covered from head to toe. i was afraid to show my skin. after i started cosentyx
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. to "the late show." ladies and gentlemen. big moment for me. you know my guests tonight as merry brandybuck and pippin took in "the lord of the rings" trilogy. now they've started a new podcast they call "the friendship onion." please welcome dominic monaghan and billy boyd! ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) absolute pleasure. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) >> stephen: lovely to have you guys here. as you may know, you're completing my hobbit collection. >> yes! >> i love it. >> stephen: i have interviewed most everybody else. you know, i'm not normal.
i'm incredibly-- i'm incredibly excited to-- to see you. not that other people aren't excited, but i'm-- at everyone as excited as i am to see you together? tht's the thing. when they see you guys together, do they go, "what are you two doing together?" or do they go, "that makes sense"" >> no, i think it's the other way around, innit? people go-- it's a little kind of the r2-d2 / c-3po thing. they think that we come as a unit at all times, you know, and they're not sure which one is which. we do get a kind of-- >> we get that all the time. >> the merry type thing. >> stephen: which one is r2-d2, and when one is c-3p0? >> who is the most highly strung? i am. i'm c-3p0. >> stephen: what about super fans like me, when they see you on the streets, what are they most likely-- what line are they most likely to yell at you, "second breakfast?" >> that was very good, actually. >> stephen: thank you. ( cheers and applause )
>> yes, "second breakfast" is a big one. but if we're feeling good, which we generally are-- >> generally, we're happy people. >> we sometimes like to do a little song for me. >> stephen: can i guess which one it is? is i get-- is this-- is this-- the green dragon song. >> yes. >> do you want to do it? >> we have to come out a little bit if we're going to do it. come on, let's do it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: no, no, you do, please. i'll watch. ( cheers and applause ) >> come around. you come in the middle, stephen. i don't know all the words. anyone join in if you know it. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
comes from the green dragon! ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: what's "bless this took?" >> that's another song that we did. the -- >> stephen: that's in rohan. >> the only thing... that's okay song. >> are you drunk? >> stephen: or-- or do you need to be drunk to remember the song. >> they are both drinking songs. you ow. you've read the books a couple of times, stephen. >> stephen: once or twice. >> the hobbits like to drink. they like to party. >> stephen: the amazon "lord of the rings" prequel they're doing from the second age. there are people out there with petitions to saying, "don't have any nudity. don't have any nudity. they're afraid they're going to adult it up a little bit--
>> and have a little "game of thrones." >> stephen: how do you feel about the nudity/non-nudity thing in tolkien? >> there was almost nudity. me and dom -- >> stephen: true story? >> true. philip, wonderful writer, one of the writers on -- >> stephen: and the expert. i don't want to get into it. >> okay. but she did a gag, and she wrote a scene-- because we've been kind of doing some gags and winding people up, having a bit of fun. and she wrote a scene that she said, "oh, it's a new scene we're filming next week with the ants, with tree beard. when merry and pepin are up tree beard, he gets afraid and shakes his branches which makes you guys fall. this has all been printed on the script. it makes you guys fall, and as
you hit the branches on the way down, by the time you hit the ground, you're naked. ( laughter ) and mary turns to pippin and says, "it's cold, isn't it?" ( laughter ) and pippin says, "hold me, mary." this was-- so i call up don, and i said have you seen this new scene? and he's like, "yeah, yeah." i was like, "we're naked." and he-- >> well, i was-- i was kind of into it. because i-- ( laughter ) i have a really fantastic ass. ( laughter ) and i-- now is the time to get it out. you look great without any clothes on. >> stephen: i want to point out something for the people out there who don't think there should be any nudity in tolkien. the hobbits get nude in the book. >> it's tom bombadil. >> i told you that. >> stephen: it's not in the movie but in the book, tom says to them, let's see, ba-ba-ba, "s
cast off these cold rags, run naked on the grass while tom goes a-hunting. the hobbits ran around on the grass as he told them then lay them there basking in the sun with delight." i don't want to hear it from the prudz who don't think there should be nudity in "lord of the rings." >> we don't think any nefarious went on there with tom. >> stephen: or wonderful. or anything wonderful. >> just all enjoying each other's company and bodies. >> stephen: as well they should. as well they should. we have to take a quick break, gentlemen. but when we come back, dominic and billy will try to stump me with "lord of the rings" trivia. stick around. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪
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( applause ) >> stephen: hey, everybody. we're here with billy boyd and dominic monaghan. gentlemen, your podcast, which is "the friendship onion." you're so close, stephen. >> stephen: "the friendship onion." may i do your podcast? >> stephen, we would love that. >> stephen: i would love to do your podcast. that sounds like a vacation to me. >> please -- >> stephen: the one thing i'm afraid of-- and i've been told that you've got some questions tonight to possibly stump me about tolkien's "lord of the rings."
let me see if i want to do your podcast right now. >> stephen we have two questions which we will ask you, but to put an added extra pressure on you, there is a prize, and i would think-- i would say the prize is probably priceless, wouldn't you? >> the prize is incredible, stephen. >> it's in my-- it's my pocket, stephen. and we will-- we will keep is secret. we will keep is safe. >> in your pocket. >> in my pocket. unless you get both questions right. >> stephen: okay, so, okay. >> here we go. >> stephen: hit me. >> question number one, it's a two-parter and i want both answers. okay. ready, stephen, here we go. >> stephen: i'm actually nervous. go ahead. ( clears throat ) >> who is shelob's mother, and how did she die? >> stephen: are those both questions? >> that's my question and--
>> stephen: her name was ungoliant and she died by consuming herself in her own webs of darkness. >> he's got it! ( cheers and applause ) >> audience: stephen! n! stephen! stephen! >> stephen: it's all on you now. oh, boy. >> here we go. >> very impressive. >> as you know, merry and pippin meet treebeard. >> stephen: yes. >> he is an ent. >> stephen: yes. >> the ents have a meeting with merry and pippin. >> stephen: ( bored ) yes. >> which called an entmoot. >> stephen: ( even more bored ) i'm familiar. >> they have this entmoot in fangorn forest, but where in fangorn forest.
>> wait a second. i think he's goosing us? >> no, he's not. >> where is... >> the entmoot held? oh! >> stephen: quiet, please, quiet. >> priceless prize! ( laughter ) >> stephen: uh... it is... >> audience: new jersey! ( laughter ) >> stephen: i don't know. i don't know the name-- i don't know the name of it. >> ( gasps ) are you-- >> ladies and gentlemen, stumped by pippin. >> stephen: what is it? what's the answer, pippin. >> derndingel. >> stephen: damn it! we'll edit that out, right? let me ask you something-- is it
derndingel? and we'll edit that in. ( cheers and applause ) you are one of the few people-- you're one of the few people to ever stump me. it's a great question. >> i'm actually-- i'm actually scared that i got it wrong. >> stephen: no, you got it right. it rang a bell as soon as you said it. >> should we give him the prize anyway? >> stephen: wait, wait, how about this? let me settle it. i get the prize if you can answer this question about merry and pippin. >> us getting it right means you get a prize from us. >> stephen: if i get it right and you don't. if i get this question right, because i'm not asking the question. this question has been sent in to us today from peter jackson. jim. >> i want to actually ask stephen to get involved in this because we have to basically answer the question, who knows merry and pippin better, merry and pippin or stephen colbert?
so this is better going to decide things. now, this question is a two-part answer. i need two answers within the same question. so let me ask the question first, and then you have five seconds. very little-known fact that a hobbit invented the game of golf. and that merry-- and i want to know, is merry or pippin descended directly from the hobbit who invented golf, and what the is the name of the hobbit who invent vented golf. >> stephen: pippin, and his name is bull roar took. ( applause ) >> definitely pippin. >> stephen: did you know? is did you know? >> i knew that it was pippin. was that invented golf.who theo >> stephen: let's see if i'm right. >> okay, wrong. i'd be surprised if stephen got that right. the name of the hobbit who invented golf was bullroarer took.
both merry and pippin are descended, due to brandybuck with ezmerleda took. and you're first cousins. you know that, i'm sure you do. anyway, that's-- i think i'll declare stephen the winner anyway, because he likes being the winner. thank you, thank you. sorry, sorry. >> stephen: thank you, peter. thank you, peter. ( applause ) >> i think he gets the prize. >> he got it. >> it fits in my pocket. are you ready, stephen? >> stephen: sure. >> you're going to like this. >> stephen: wait, i think i know. if you said both of them, i think i know what it is. >> a genuine pair of merry ears from the movie. ( applause ) ( cheering )
>> stephen: absolute pleasure. thank you so much, gentlemen. what a joy. their podcast is "the friendship onion." billy boyd and dominic monaghan, everybody! we'll be right back with comedian ali sultawn. ♪ ♪ ♪ ( applause ) it's dry. there's no dry time. makes us wonder why we booked fifteen second ad slots. ♪ ♪ ♪ return to rugged. the all-new ruggedly redesigned 2022 nissan pathfinder.
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i was born in yemen. i was raised a devout muslim. then oaycintally tried bacon. ( laughter ) and i found jesus that day. i found the lord. ( laughter ) our people say psychedelics expand your mind. bacon was my mushroom. ( laughter ) ( cheers and applause ) as soon as i tried it, i said, "why am i allowed not a slice of this deliciousness?" i think if you're born in america, you should be grateful. ( cheering ) yeah. you have a lot of privileges, like knowing your birth day. in yemen, they don't keep birtht ve gue. i finally asked my mom when i was 14-- or nine... ( laughter ) i said, "mom, when was i born?" and she said, "you were born when we got the cat." ( laughter )
i said, "when did you get the cat?" she said, "that's when your and at's how i learned that time was relative. e relative is my diabetic uncle. ( cheers and applause ) thank you. my mother recently got married. it's her fourth marriage, because she's not a quitter. ( laughter ) and i said, "congrats, mom. you're the first muslum woman to have four husbands. you're the rosa parks of the middle east right now. go get them." ( applause ) my step-dad has been around the country for about a couple of years and he's already, like, learned so much. in two years, he's learned how to speak english. he learned how to drive. and how to ice skate, fo reon. d he'sice guy. he pulled medei grew up without
he said ali, "i want you to know that you are my son." and i said, "no, thank you. i am 30-- i think." ( laughter ) "alsought y how t speak english. i taught you how to drive. i used to take you ice skating. you're my son. ( laughter and applause ) go clean your room." i emigrated when i was 15. and when i got here i had to take e.s.l. classes. and one day my instructor started talking about the middle east and 9/11, and then she looked at me, the only arab kid in the class, and she said, "they hate us because they're jealous of our freedom." and she just kept staring and staring. and that made me uncomfortable. and when i'm uncomfortable, i laugh... ( laughter )
and i-- and i laughed. but i laughed way too hard. ( laughter ) it didn't look like it was out of discomfort. it looked like i was plotting against the united states of america. she said, "they hate us because they're jealous of our freedom." and i was like, ha-ha-ha-ha! i don't-- i don't think that's true. i don't think the middle east is jealous of america's freedom. because i've lived there. i lived in yemen, and we had the most freedom. because we did not have an operating government. ( laughter ) you could do whatever you wanted to, and it was crazy. one time i was on a bus and i saw a baby smoking a cigarette. he might have eight, and he was smoking so casually, and i was the only person panicking. i was like, "oh, my god, why is he driving this bus? we're going ie ( applause ) that's why my favorite thing about america is not freedom. it's rules and regulations.
( laughter ) i don't want to live in a place where an accountant can have a bazooka. i want to live in a place where jaywalking has consequences. i am ali sultan. thank you so much. appreciate it. ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: he's headlining "the comedy fort" in fort collins on july 15, and you can find him on twitter @alisultancomedy. ali sultan, everybody! we'll be right back.