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tv   The Late Show With Stephen Colbert  CBS  July 14, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PDT

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the late show with stephen colbert is next. >> thanks for watching. the news continues streaming on cbsn bay area. have captioning sponsored by cbs news sources cell they are setting up be emergency hotline with the chinese gft similar to the so called red phone that was established between the u.s. and the soviet union during the cold ware but the problem here of course would be is china actually going to engage because there have been problems getting in touch with china at multiple levels from the u.s. side. ♪ why don't you call me on my red phone. ♪ call me on my red phone.
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♪ when you feel. ll me n the mrni ♪ do you know where they make this red phone. ♪ ♪ call me on my red phone. ♪ i say hello xi jinping. ♪ you said you better catch that thing. ♪ i'm calling china with my red phone. >> it's the late show with stephen colbert. tonight stephen welcomes mindy
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kaling. and comedian wally baram featuring jon batiste and stay human. and now live on tape from the ed sullivan theater in new york city, it's stephen colbert! >> stephen: hey! hello! hey. a little more. >> jon: i get t i get it. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: hey, everybody. thank you so much, please have a seat.
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welcome tot late show, let me begin by saying happy bastille day for those who don't sprek everyone ze french, bas deal day is the day the french declared independence from i think france. to celebrate this morning i had a chocolate krois ant and a slip of the tongue. over in france they had a lot of trouble getting people vaccinated lately which lead to a new initiative from french president and architect who would love to show you how he designed your bedroom while your husband is out of town, emmanuel macron this week macron announced expanded use of france's healthasport system the pass sanitaire which i believe is also the nam use. pass sanitaire. starting in august french citizens must show either a negative test or proof of vacs nailted status for entry to restaurants and cafes.
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quelle surprise. right afterwards a record million plus people in france made vaccine appointments in a single day. that is marketing. >> using the old noodle. smart move by macron targeting what the french care about. no vaccine, no cuisine, okay. no pfi-zeur, no croque monday seurs. if the french can restrict cafes we have to start doing that heemple you done get vaccinated, you can't get on an airplane, you can't go to the big game, you can't go to the late show. (applause) all these people, look at the people at the late show. (applause) or, or you also can't go to the late show's post show orgy. okay? after every show there is an orgy, okay. we're the last show in late
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night that still does that. snl but that is once a week. it doesn't really-- vaccination rates are especially low among the younglings so today pop star olivia rodrigo went to the white house to promote vaccine. rodrigo told everyone who has already been vaxxed, good 4 you, you look happy and healthy. if you didn't get that reference, i'm guessing you have been eligible for a vaccine since december. and i invite you to join me at the old camera. hello. (applause) hello, welcome to the oldcam, brought to you by day of the week pill case. (applause) day of the week pill case, it has come to this. fellow olds, i know what you are thinkingk isn't ice cream too cold. also, who is olivia rodrigo.
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don't worry, you're safe, are you just experiencing something called being an old. it's okay. i'm an old too, in fact, if it weren't for my writers, i wouldn't have known that olivia rodrigo was a pop star that, that good 4 you is her single and that is the star of high school musical, the musical, the series. no, i'm not having a stroke, that's just what tv shows are called these days. (laughter) okay. see you all at the dennees. (applause) we actually have some footage of rodrigo at the white house. there she is about to enter the same door used by historicalroe, abraham lincoln and kid rock. rodrigo is not the only musician trying to get people vaxxed there is also rapper and inventor of the i'm tbing to guess alcohol powered lamp?
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juvenile, the 90s hip-hop star is encouraging folks to get the shot with a re/max of-- remix of his thing, back that thing up. >> you book look good that back that thang up, vks ax that thang up, heard of herd immunity, vax that thang up. >> good advice, but warning, no matter how freaky you are feeling, you do not get the vax in your thang. not to be outdone we here at the late show have commissioned '90s supergroup naughty by nature to update their song hip-hop here aye and we have an exclusive preview. >> i don't know what it means.
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>> jon: yes, yes. mrna. o. >> stephen: the white house needs all the help it can get promoting the vaccine because fox news and the gop, do not, what is the word, care whether you live or die. case in point, gop controlled tennessee, the volunteer state has one of the worst vaccination rates in the country. and they aim to keep it that way because this week after pressure fom republican lawmakers, the tennessee department of health will halt all adolescent vaccine
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outreach, not just for coronavirus, but all diseases. tennessee disagrees. in fact, they've made it the focus of their new toimple ad. >> looking to get away? there's never been a better time to discover tennessee. scenic lakes. beautiful state parks. and soon polio. there are just so many things to do and catch in tennessee. ride the rapids and pick up a case of small pox. visit graceland and then mumpland. tennessee, the last place you'll ever visit. >> stephen: it works. it worked. we're learning a lot of new details about the last days in office of former president, the turd reich. and that might be my favorite.
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(cheers and applause) and the details are all coming from a slew of new deep dive tell-all, muk slings and gossdish tea sloshers like the book landslide, betrayal and nightmare scenario. also held how the former president describes having to read a book. other new books are using titles that are actually quotes of his like i alone can fix it, and frankly we did win this election. those of course join the ranks of other great titles like people are flushing toilets 10 times, 15 time, the kidney has a very special place in the heart, person, woman, man, camera, tv, the book. and of course, in europe, they live, their forest cities, they are called forest cities. they maintain their forests, they manage their forests.
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i was with the head of a major country, it is a forest city. the big bombshell, long title-- the big bomb slel from these books is an account of the infamous moment during the d.c. black lives matter protest when the big strong law & order president hid in an underground bunker. the e-president was so embarrassed when his hidey hole adventure was leaked that he reportedly said, whoever did that, they should be charged with treason, adding they should be adding-- executed. carefulsir, if you start executing people for leaking, will you have to find a new lawyer. another, another oldie but a goodie. who is this guy? another new revelation, we're getting from these books concerns supreme court justice and toddler insisting he can wipe himself!
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(laughter) brett kavanaugh. the ex-president was livid at his favorite judicial frat bro who voted with the mj ear y of the ex-president's ridiculous election challenges at the supreme court. the ex-president thought kavanaugh owed him a favor aft he stood by him when he was accused of sexual assault saying in an interview, where would he be without me. i saved his life. he wouldn't even be in a law firm, who would have had him. nobody. well that's not true. i'm sure he would have been welcome at the law firm of to bein, pj and squee, the boof will set you free, of course boof fans, big fans of the boof. of course the former president can't give a quid without hoping for a little oquo saying i'm very disappointed in kavanaugh. in receipt pro-- retrospect, he just hasn't had the courage he needs to be a great justice, i'm
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basing this on more than just the election. um, nobody brought up the election. that's like saying good evening, officer, i want you to know that i am very disappointed that you pulled me over and not just because you won't help me get the dead body out of my trunk. we've got a great show for you tonight. my guest is mindy ka but when we return.
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hey, everybody. >> stephen: welcome back. give it up for jon bat tyes and stay human. >> stephen: oh my gosh. >> jon: yeah. s that is fantastic. you know there are so manier s serious problems in the worlds but, heinz has started a petition to put the same number of hot dogs and buns in packages. yes. this story resonates. >> jon: that is justice, that's justice! (cheers and applause). >> jon:
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>> stephen: thank you, thank you heinz, as everyone knows hot dogs are sold in ten packs, buns con eight packs in honor of the abs you will never have if you eat hot dogs, this mismatched packaging means are you always left with two extra weiners which is not only frustrating, it is also the title of a very upsetting kevin james comedy. misalignment, misalignment, of bun weiner quantities, of any amount has long presented a problem. first addressed in the '90s by steve martin. >> i want to buy eight hot dogs and eight hot dog buns to go with them, but no one sells eight, they only sell 12 hot dog buns so i end up paying for four buns i don't need, so i'm removing the superfluous buns. >> stephen: good point. by the way, superfluous buns is the sequel to two extra weiners. big hit, those were a big hit.
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now the heinz petition has clearly spooked the meat tube industrial complex because it has already prompted a response from actual washington organization the national hot dog and sausage council. and i'm being told we have footage of the latest meeting of the council. >> i promoases we loosen what can be classified as meet in a sausage casing. >> yes, more butt holes, we allow. >> reps from the council, offered a somewhat weak explanation for this asynchronous weiner bun con undrum, when hot dog buns were introa us dood. they were sold in varying quantities in the butcher shop not until 1940 when manufacturers ban packages hot dogs they choose the ten to the pack formula, meanwhile hot dog buns most often come eight to the pack because the buns are baked approximate clusters of four in pans designed to hold eight rolls. that's right, it's been 80 years
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since the weiner people said we're doing ten and the bun people were like no, we're not moving off of eight. and the u.n. security council has done nothing. here's what i think. here's what i think is going on, okay. follow me down the rappity hole, here is what i think is going on. big weiner and big bun don't want to resolve this crisis. do you know why? cuz they got us by the kielbasa, okay. they know as long as they never sign the weiner bun pizza cord base and the current mismatched ratios, in order to heat an-- hit equal bun and weiner, a common multiple, you have to buy at minimum, four ten packs of dogs and five eight packs of bun ises is, giving you 40 hot dogs with, which if my math is correct, is not really a
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problem. we'll be right back with mindy kaling.
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♪ >> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. folks. my guest tonight, is the actor and bis selling author you know from the office, late night and the mindy project. please welcome back to the late show, mindy kaling. (applause)
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>> hi, everyone. >> thank you, oh my god! (cheers and applause) what a nice, what a nice group of people. >> stephen: it is lovely to have you here. it is always great to you have on the show, you are my favorite people. the last time you and i spoke was on the covid, you know, on the zoom thing. and you announced the birth of your son. >> yeah. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: it was a surprise. >> yes. >> stephen: nobody knew. >> nobody knew, i tbaif birth in september. >> stephen: and the second child in four years. and you look fantastic, especially for someone who i
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know is not sleeping. there is no way you have a four and a ten month old and are getting any sleep. >> no, i'm not. in fact, i was so excited to come to new york. i just want to thank you for letting me be on the show. >> stephen: the kids aren't with you. >> no, they are with somebody in los angeles. >> stephen: somebody you know, i hope. someone you. >> yeah, yes, and it's just so nice. like i got to dress up and backstage you don't get to see it but there is a little bar set up. so i just got tanked and i don't have to change a diaper. you know. i don't have to pretend to watch-- tieing we are anyone. >> stephen: st a quality show. >> who doesn't like bengal tiger but you know, anyway, i am just so happy to be here. >> stephen: so now he's ten months old. >> yeah. >> stephen: so last ten months, most of which is in lockdown, is he surpriseed when he sees people other than mom. >> it made me feel very popular
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for awhile. >> stephen: because he is interested in you. >> only me. i am the only show in town for so long. >> stephen: yes. >> but now it's funny because his personality is very different than my daughter who is very independent. and he loves everyone. if i, the ups driver came and i handed him the baby, oh, my new father and he would walk out with him. he is very trusting. >> stephen: sure, it's the brown shorts. >> yes. >> stephen: now his sister kit, is it. >> stephen: so kit is four. >> three and a half. >> stephen: okay, nice grouping. how does she feel about having another child in the house. has she accepted him or has she said send him back to the factory? >> she is really-- taken. there were moments when it feels like she will tolerate him but she is not the biggest fan right now. and i hope that will just change in time. >> stephen: has she biten him or anything like that.
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>> no, she is just, she is always telling us to put him in the other room. like we'll be all having dinner together and she will be like i think gunther should go. like go where, he lives here, he's one of the family. >> stephen: but she will be so glad later in life that sme has this younger brother who will just think she hung the moon. >> i hope so. >> stephen: you during the campaign when kamala harris was running for president, for her own can date for nomination for the democrats, you cooked with her. >> uh-huh. >> stephen: now that she is the first female vice president, first south asian american vice president, is it weird to think she has been in your kitchen with continues is nut, actually nuts that she came to my house. i don't know-- daned. >> st not that great, i mean it's fine but she came over and we cooked indian food together. you know, talked about indian stuff and i, i love her, i think she's so strong. and just really principled. and but the only thing that i
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know since she came over and she cooked, because we cooked a-- ad o.j. i. >> jon: what is th-- . was like she is so great, and there is one thing like, she is a little politicky in this one spefng way, which is that we made the foodk i made the food and it was really bad. it tasted bad. and on camera she was like this is delicious. you're an amazing chef. and i was like oh, she is a politician. she has to be. >> stephen: sure, we have a clip, is this shall it-- the moment. >> i think it is. >> stephen: see if you can discern the moment where she is being political. >> i would give this a hard b mine us. >> hmmmm. >> i didn't think shall it. >> the flavor is very nice. >> thank you. >> you are a good cook, this is
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very good. >> thank you. >> a lot of flavors, i will take it. very polite. >> stephen: we have to take a break. but-- stick around, be right back with more mindy kaling. (cheers and applause) go go. ohhh. [hysterics laugh] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ searching, i've spent a lifetime, ♪ ♪ darling searching, ♪ ♪ looking for someone just like you ♪ ♪
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>> stephen: hey, everybody, welcome back. we're here. we're here with the lovely and
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talented mindy kaling. well now you have the season two of your show never have i ever. it is about to start or just starting. >> yes, today. >> stephen: today, exactly starting today. congratulations on season two, that is always a good feeling. >> yes, it is. >> stephen: it is about a bunch of high schoolers and their relationships with each other and their love lives. does it let you understand genz better. >> i don't, i don't understand them any better. between that show i have another show called the-- lives of college girls and i'm just like, what am i doing, why am i writing these sexy shows about teens. >> like do they-- . >> stephen: because you know what sells, what do you mean? >> okay, good, good, i hope that, but it is like, i wonder do they think i'm weird that i'm writing, some old creepy lady, oh, ell me more about your sex lives. because that's what i am. >> stephen: do you do that, do you go now children, come
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closer. come closer, no, don't tush on the lights, just tell aunt mindy about all the naughty parts. what, what generation would you place yourself in are you gen x. >> how dare you. >> stephen: are you millenial. >> do i look like ben stiller, am i like-- do i have a skateboard, like what are you talking about? >> stephen: ben still certificate not gen x. ben stiller, no way he is not a baby boomer, howl is ben stiller, somebody find out holben stiller is. >> do i look like i'm from the movie single, howl do you think i am. >> stephen: i don't know and i will not ask. >> okay. what generation do you place yourself in, how do you identify. >> the boring answer is that i am in a microgeneration between again x and millenials,-- gen x and millenial, i'm zenillia, if you are borned between 79 and 81 you are in between. >> stephen: what is it exawled
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an xenillenial. x-enyal. what are the characteristics. >> we don't know we where we belong. like we don't-- like we don't know who to complain about or-- . >> stephen: wow, okay. >> on tiktok there is always like millenials making fun of gen z and we don't know what to root for. and then we die because we think people are going to think we're gen x. and then you know, i wasn't going to nirvana concerts and stuff, like you know, i'm younger than that. >> stephen: okay. i apologize. i apologize. my wife and have i this, i won't say problem but we have this challenge, of whether we are in the same generation. efi was alive when ten kennedy and i was born after the death of kennedy. i met a dem october fer that says she is baby boom and you're gen x, i sometimes say to her, honey, you wouldn't get what i
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am saying. boomers don't understand where gen xeres are coming from and we're ten months apart. >> i'm sure she loves that joke. >> stephen: yeah. what was your high school and college experience like. are you making up for lost time by giving these racy experiences to younger people? >> i think yes. but i'm just realizing that now, yeah. >> stephen: i wish hi this experience in college. >> i write about nerds, so i do identify as a ferd but yeah,-- i think you are right, i think there is some of that. >> stephen: so these are sexy nerds. >> they are nerds who like veer around sexy situations. >> stephen: i think we have a clip of some of the sexiness here, what is happening in this clip. >> i think, i don't remember. i'm so sorry. i don't know what this clip is. >> stephen: the guy seems damp. >> a handsome man has climbed through a window in the rain. >> stephen: and who is she. >> to a young woman a star of
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never have i ever who is a funny indian nerd. >> stephen: okay. >> i just wanted to say thank you for all your help. it felt so good to finally do something well in school. >> packson was soaking wet and he used the adverb well insed of the adjective good, he had never been hotter. >> are you-- or. >> no. >> stephen: my goodness. my goodness. >> steamy stuff. >> stephen: do you direct it as well. >> no, no. >> stephen: i got to ask you about that narrator. >> yes. >> stephen: that is a surprising narrator to have for this young south asian teenage girl going through these moments of growth. who is that actually doing the
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narration. >> that is tennis legend john mcenroe. >> stephen: how, how did john mcenroe become for you the perfect person to do this in this teenage commadrama. >> that is an unusual choice for sure. but the character of davie, the indian girl we just saw has a very bad temper. and she lost her father and her father was a huge tennis fan, i think it might be an indian thing but came up in a generation where mcenroe was huge to him. and so i just reached out to john mcenroe and said do you want to be the inner voition of this nerdy indian girl. and he said yes. so. >> stephen: good for him. >> and he just loved it, yeah. and he's great at it. >> stephen: i love that. now i also like to apologize for
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earlier. >> okay, i didn't know if you were going to bring it up and i felt bad bringing it up. >> stephen: i thought you would bring it up because it would make me feel bad. >> i was getting changed, in a pair of pants and in my bra. >> stephen: and i don't usually do, this i usually wait for the tbeses in the wings but i thought i would just go hey, have a great show so i popped the door open, i knocked but i did that knock and pop. >> knock and pop, and i was just saying like the whole time, i'm, i just, i don't have any clothes on. and i just thought the whole time like i wish i had worn a sexier bra. because i was like you know, you work hard. you should-- (applause) >> you know, you should-- . >> stephen: that is very thoughtful. >> i was-- . >> stephen: so few guests, so few guests take my feelings into account when i walk into them undressed. >> and i was wearing like a grayk have i a ten month old, it
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was like a gray bra, just bad. >> stephen: i didn't see a thing. >> and i'm thinking whose fault is it, is it the person without doesn't lock-- i should havek lod the door. >> stephen: it is entirely my fault, i should havek nod and waited but your team was great, they hurled themselves in front of you like i was an assassin. >> they really did. they did. >> stephen: they did i couldn't see anything if i wanted to. >> i felt like meghan markle, they were like you will not pass. they were really-- like you had bad intentions. like it is still stephen colbert. >> stephen: yeah. >> you know. >> stephen: well, season two of never have i ever comes out tomorrow on netflix. mindy kaling, everybody. we'll be right back with comedian wally baram.
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>> stephen: hey, everybody. welcome back. folks. here tonight making her network television debut, please welcome to the late show wally baram. (applause)
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>> yeah! i'm wally, i'm mexican and syrian or as fox news might call me a very lazy terrorist. (laughter) i just turned 23. thank you. yeah. it's a very particular age. i feel like i'm not a child but i'm also not quite an adult. like this very weird perking tore where even my body exists here, where i'm 5, 2-rbgs and i have a babyface but i have boobs and the voice of like 1/8 grade jewish boy. i hear t i do hear it. i definitely don't deserve the rspect of an adult. i know that for sure. i recently had to publicly pronounce the order hors d'oeuvre or as i said it
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horse,-deove,s is, have you soon the word t is punk yaition in the original word, like use the tools you were given. i had to write out my first rent check recently with the words. fun fact, turns out i don't know how to spell numbers. like you think you know and then you're hit with hundred and you like hundred, pay my rent in five honduran, gord forbid you are hilt with the number eight, like e-i-- what? what is that word? it's five letters and none of them make sense but t. truly, i don't know. i don't know anything. someone asked me recently if i thought they had a fever. if i thought they felt warm.
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i was like wow, i don't even know how warm people are. i'm not even acclimated to human touch, i'm doing that things moms do, where i'm feeling myself and then them, trying to subtract my temperature from theirs. i think it would be great if real doctors did it that way. if they just compared themselves to you. they were like, well, my arm is hard, and yours is crunchy. you're screaming and i'm not. i would say it's broken. making friends as an adult, it is bananas hard, truly. it appears to me in order to make friends as an adult i need to have previously had friends from which i meet the new
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friends? begs the question how did the first person make friends? it is one of these chicken or the egg situations, except for i have no chickens and no eggs and i'm just a sad farmer. just me and my cabbage. i get t i'm particular. i have ocd. i was diagnosed when i was in the third grade and i had an obsession with finger guns. and every time i did a finger gun on one side i had to do a finger gun on the other side. consequently, i became a violently jazzy third grader. one thing that really bothers me about having ocd is that people like to use it as an adjective. which i feel like you just shouldn't be able to do with
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disorders. so i am someone might say wally, i feel like are you being a little bit ocd right now. i definitely can't be on the hike and say barbara, i feel like you're being a little bit polio. i'll be honest t is a weird time to be mexican. it is. i recently took a trip to ohio where i flew into the airport, went to hail a cab. the cab driver looked back at me and he said i don't take [bleep]. yeah, horrifying, horrifying. and then he sped off. and i saw on his bumper he had a bunch of crosses and bible verses. and sometimes i just think it's so wild when conservative christians are the ones that are racist against mexicans. because nobody loves jesus more
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than mexicans. (applause) we love him so much. we name our children after him. white people don't do that. you don't meet a jesus vanderbilt. a jesus sullivan. truly there is not quite a similar fandom for white people, like the beatles would have to be a sports team and that's jesus to mexicans. >> my mom loves jesus. she loves him so much. she is every kind of jesus towel, statue, figurine, jesus in every position, jesus hitting a baseball. jesus eating a pickle. every kind of like poster, picture, if you go into her home, it looks like she's trying
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to solve a jesus-based crime. (applause) like what did jesus do? you guys, thank you so much. i am wally baram. >> stephen: lly
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>> s: at's it for th
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lateowne in tomorrow when my guest will be hugh jackman plus a special rooftop performance livd night. (applause) captioning sponsored by cbs captioned by media access group at wgbh captioning sponsored by cbs ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show, whooh! ♪ the late late show-oh-oh the late late show oh oh ♪ it's the late late show ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> reggie: ♪ good evening


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