tv The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon NBC July 17, 2019 11:34pm-12:35am PDT
department tweeted out this showing a goat carrying a goat away from a fire zone. the goat was clearly stress at the time, but goatee calmed down after awhile when she realized that was really her knight in shining armor. >> well done. >> kudos. >> they do it all. >> greatest of all time video. >> she felt like, why are you picking me up? what's happening here. >> the goat settled down. >> she realized there was a fire. >> that's good. everyone's safe. >> thanks for joining us at 11:00. have a great day tomorrow. >> bye-bye. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." jimmy fallon
[ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you very much. that was great thank you, welcome [ cheers and applause thanks, that was great relax. welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show," everybody. this is it you're here. appreciate it. look, i know you're all just clapping for the air conditioning but i'm still glad you're here [ light laughter ] we're in the middle of a giant heat wave right now with temperatures in the 90s. it's crazy out there i sat on a bench for two minutes. when i got up, my pants had grill marks. [ laughter ] >> steve: really >> jimmy: i saw that officials are telling people that beer -- beer is not a good way to stay hydrated and that you should drink water. when new yorkers heard that, they're like, "okay, coors light it is. [ laughter ] [ applause ]you ys, this heat we roots.
>> questlove: thanks jimmy [ cheers and applause so tip number one, stay out the sun and drink lots of water. >> tariq: ah, it's a good one. here's what you should do. you get yourself a klondike bar and use it like a bar of soap. [ laughter ] >> take your pants off, then remember you're at work and put them back on [ laughter ] >> close your eyes picture a penguin, big, cute, slippery, like an oversized toucan wearing a tuxedo. [ light laughter ] >> do what i do. put your toupee in the freezer, so when you glue it on your head in the morning -- [ laughter ] it keeps your dome ice cold. [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: thank you. thank you for the tips i appreciate it. thank you very much, roots this isn't good. i heard that the heat could cause another blackout here in new york [ audience ohs ] think about that when you're stepping into an elevator with your annoying co- worker alright, it's like -
[ laughter ] "don't die on me now, power. "how was your summer?" "not good. that's right officials think there will be more blackouts at some point yep, they know something bad is coming, but they can't say when it's pretty much like following trump on twitter [ laughter ] have you been following this last night, the house approved a resolution to condemn trump's racist tweets. it's the first time its happened since william howard taft. when he heard that, trump was like, "wow, what did he tweet? [ laughter ] speaking of social media, this is going viral everybody's been using this app called faceapp me, and here's me with the it h f for example, here's a photo of filter wo it's pretty crazy. a lot of people are giving it a try, including some people in washington and the results are kind of surprising take a look. here's president's son eric trump here's him with the filter [ laughter ] [ applause ] here's cnn host anderson cooper.
here's what he looks like with the filter [ laughter ] up next is treasury secretary steve mnuchin. here he is with the filter [ laughter ] here's vladimir putin. here's him with the old filter [ laughter ] and finally, here's a photo of bernie sanders and here he is as an old man [ laughter ] [ applause ] that was pretty good >> steve: wow. very realistic >> jimmy: that was pretty good >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: oh, this is big. today, the mexican drug lord el chapo was sentenced to life in prison. he has to turn over $12.6 billion in drug money. then trump was like, "see, i told you mexico would pay for the wall [ laughter ] i told you." listen to this, taco bell just came out with a new burrito that's made with the world's hottest pepper, the carolina reaper - >> steve: oh >> jimmy: for people who walk into taco bell and think, "how could i make this bad decision even worse." [ laughter ] here's a crazy story
the owners of a miami restaurant called bacon bitch is suing the owners -- [ laughter ] they almost don't need even jokes. yeah >> steve: yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the owners of a miami restaurant called bacon bitch. [ laughter ] is it bacon bitch -- >> steve: bacon, or is it, "bacon, bitch! >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: i don't know [ applause ] where is the emphasis? >> jimmy: bacon -- yeah, okay. all right. >> steve: yeah, you know >> jimmy: anyways, the owners of the restaurant bacon bitch are suing the owners of a san diego restaurant called breakfast bitch -- [ laughter ] >> steve: breakfast, bitch >> jimmy: okay [ laughter ] >> steve: is that how that one is >> jmysteang their idea yeah, experts say it could be the first case where the judge asks, "how do you bitches plead? [ laughter ] [ applause ] bitch please and finally, i read about a man in belgium who just set the guinness world record for sitting on a toilet for 116 straight hours [ audience ohs ]
he wasn't trying to break a record he just ate taco bell's new carolina reaper burrito. [ cheers and applause we have a great show tonight give it up for the roots [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you very much, roots. [ cheers and applause thank you, roots thank you, higgins guys, make sure -- thank you for being here tonight make sure you tune in tomorrow night. because we're going to be unveiling our five books for our annual book club that we do >> steve: oh >> jimmy: "tonight show" summer reads. we did it last year. what i do is i give you five books. i briefly explain what they are. and then, you vote on which one we're all going to read together then we'll all buy the book and have a book club but yeah, reading is good. [ cheers and applause i don't care what anyone says. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: we did it last year. it was fun we did -- it was tomi adeyemi. "children of blood and bone" was the book and it's still on the bestseller list from last year so i mean, it he gre
and we all read it and it was cool. and i think it's turning into a movie. i'm not guaranteeing it's going to happen. >> steve: right. that's what i'm saying [ laughter ] >> jimmy: every book - >> steve: you're not making it, yeah >> jimmy: yeah but it's going to be fun anyways. so that's tomorrow night we'll have our five finalists. and then, i want you guys to vote and tell me which one we should all read. it will be good. [ cheers and applause guys, you know how they say a picture is worth 1,000 words well, it's also worth one meme i'll show you what i'm talking about. it's time for "this week in memes. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: here's a photo of joe biden. his meme says, "when you're at sunday brunch and your friend starts telling you what you said last night. [ laughter ] [ applause ] "yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. sorry, sorry, sorry. next is a classic photo of a this meme is called, "when the barber spins you around to look at your new haircut. [ laughter ] [ applause ] thank you? next is a photo of queen elizabeth.
her meme is called, "when you spot your man with a random girl in the park." [ laughter ] [ applause ] "very interesting. but stupid." [ laughter ] next, a photo of attorney general william barr his meme says, "when the music teacher gives himself a solo in the end of the year concert. [ laughter ] [ applause ] just let the kids perform. here's kate middleton. her meme says, "when luke p. tells hannah he doesn't want her hooking up with any other bachelors.er pl next is a photo of prince louie [ audience aws ] his meme says, "when 'paw patrol' is a re-run. it's like, "oh, man. and finally, a photo of vladimir putin his meme says, "when you're trying to look sexy at the club after six vodka tonics." [ cheers and applause that was "this week in memes." we will be right back with joel mchale. [ cheers and applause thank you for watching come on back ♪
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♪ ♪ >> jimmy: that is how you make an entrance, joel mchale welcome to the show. thank you very much. you.eciate it. >> yes, yes. >> jimmy: welcome back to the show, you know how to make an entrance joel, how've you been? thank you for coming back and seeing us. >> thank you for having me and thank you for the greatest audience on the planet >> jimmy: oh, my goodness. [ cheers and applause that's pandering >> pandering just pandering you look terrific by the way >> jimmy: thank you veryuc a lot of botox no [ laughter ] >> just down the center. >> jimmy: just down the one side >> it's weird. >> jimmy: start with the left side and see if i like it, you know and then, if i like it, then i'll do the right side
>> oh, all right >> jimmy: yeah, this is how i smile. [ laughter ] hey, thank you for being here because i'm happy that you're - >> no, thank you >> jimmy: no, thank you. >> thank you for the blackout. >> jimmy: now is that a -- is that ring? what is it >> oh, yeah -- no, you have inspired this -- this is my wedding ring, you guys [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: sorry, ladies. >> yeah, it's made of rubber because after hearing, seeing what happened with your finger and you had a metal ring that got caught and turned your finger into a little deli. [ laughter ] and i said, i'm getting -- i got rid of my ring >> jimmy: i'm so happy - >> yeah, i got rid of my ring. dated for a few months and then -- no [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's ridiculous. >> no, so i bought the rubber one. >> jimmy: i'm so happy you have that they're too strong [ light laughter ] >> yes, i agree. i mean, you are the perfect -- you should be the spokesperson for rubber rings >> jimmy: thank you. [ light laughter ] see, that's the nicest thing that anyone's ever - >> i will talk to them
i know that you need the money, so i will -- i know you need a couple extra bucks. >> you know why -- you know why i'm happy that you're here, because i'm happy that you're alive. >> oh thank you. >> jimmy: and survived what i think is one of the craziest things anyone's ever done you swam with sharks >> oh, i thought you were going to say have coffee with butter in it, but no -- >> jimmy: that's up there -- that's up therha >> yeah, or texted without auto correct, so yes. >> jimmy: explain -- >> that's a shark. >> jimmy: that's real. >> that's a great white, right there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is not. >> that's a great white. >> jimmy: that's a great white >> that is nemo. >> jimmy: just a great white backing up on me >> okay, yes, of course. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: what was this, this is shark week? >> no, it's called mid life crisis [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i've seen that show, oh, yeah i'm starring in it right now, yeah >> shark week -- rob riggle is hosting this special called "shark trip: eat, pray, chum." [ laughter ]
and we -- there's five celebrities, who we all die. and -- [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: no i love rob rigley, he's a funny guy. >> he's so funny, and then, it's anthony anderson and damon wayans, jr. and adam devine. they said, would you like to go to the bahamas and swim with sharks and that seemed like a good idea and then -- then they said, "do you know how to scuba dive?" and i was like, "yeah. and they go, "really?" and i was like, "no. [ laughter ] 25 sharks. there's ch -- and all -- as and -- no, and then, we went well, our shark expert is missing a hand and foot. down there, and there's >> jimmy: stop it. >> which - >> jimmy: stop it. yeah, which you go, "are you really an expert?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah, in air quotes. >> right, and anthony anderson was there, who i thought i was -- i thought i was outgoing like a golden retriever, like always wanting approval from people he walks through -- we were at this place called atlantis he walks through the casino.
everyone starts recognizing him, and he's like, "are we taking pictures, mother[ bleep ]? [ laughter ] and i am not kidding, and then, he has a meet and greet for an hour with everybody coming up to him >> jimmy: yeah, yeah >> he's the nicest dude. he can heal people >> jimmy: no, he cannot. [ laughter ] no, no, no >> he made this lady walk. >> jimmy: no, i want to hear -- i want to hear - you did -- your first standup special is coming out. this is a big deal because i've known you for a while. i've seen your stand-up but i didn't know -- i thought you -- i assumed that you already had one. >> i did too [ laughter ] and then, it turns out i didn't[ lahter ] it was actually jim gaffigan's special. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but you enjoyed it you're like, "oh, im funny." >> i'm killing it right now. >> jimmy: man, i'm hilarious >> you're going to start needing glasses. >> jimmy: but this is called, "live from pyongyang?" is this true >> yeah, "live from pyongyang. which is the capital of north korea. >> jimmy: so you did your first standup special from north korea? >> no -- [ laughter ] it was san jose.
for real yeah, no, which is very similar to north korea [ laughter ] there's -- >> jimmy: san jose, california >> yes, no i just decided i'd call it that so people would ask me if i had gone to north korea. i would be in jail if i did it there. >> jimmy: yeah and this is going to air on amazon >> it's going to be on amazon and myspace. [ laughter ] it's going to be huge. >> jimmy: wow, oh, my god. [ cheend >> jimmy: friendster >> friendster, a.o.l >> jimmy: that's my favorite show ♪ i love friendster. >> oh. >> jimmy: yeah >> now do you have to pay for what you just sang >> i don't believe i sang it long enough to pay for >> or you could just say, "i don't know what i was singing. >> jimmy: yeah, but i was off one note so i would be like - ♪ [ laughter ] >> i feel like that's the end of the song, or, like, a fake commercial break >> jimmy: like, i mean, there's certain songs. like if it's the beatles o something, i can't sing any of the beatles. >> why >> jimmy: i can go like -- it's so expensive to pay, to
clear. >> oh, right >> jimmy: so i can go, like -- ♪ hey that's it. [ laughter ] until what you just gathered >> now, could you go - ♪ help [ laughter ] >> jimmy: no >> you couldn't pay for "help. what if you're in trouble? >> jimmy: well, if you're in trouble -- if you're in trouble, we can't legally yell help, no >> no, if i said, "help -- >> jimmy: the beatles have that trademarked. >> but if i said, "help" -immyw have to yell crisis. [ laughter ] >> oh. >> jimmy: if you're in trouble, you go, "crisis. >> what if i go -- ♪ crisis ♪ crisis i need someone >> jimmy: yeah, you can do -- can we do -- ♪ crisis ♪ crisis i need someone ♪ crisis i need someone ♪ crisis i need someone ♪ crisis oh, yeah, you're allowed to do that, of course. [ cheers and applause that is totally legal. you can totally do that. you are getting so sued. [ laughter ]
>> jimmy: congrats on the standup special, i want to see you swimming with sharks and then, watch this segue, you're also hosting "card sharks." >> and that's how you do it, folks. [ cheers and applause that's -- he's a professional. ♪ that's why his name is on the cup, okay? >> jimmy: thank you very much. >> no, yes, i host a game show on abc >> jimmy: what is -- everyone is hosting these shows now alec baldwin was hosting "match game." >> yes >> jimmy: elizabeth banks is >> jimmy: well, what is "card sharks"? what is the game >> i don't know. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: didn't you find out when you do it >> it's a very simple game, where you just get -- all right, it's a high/low game of cards, where a card gets put up, and it will be a four. do you think the next card will be higher or lower >> jimmy: yes. >> that's -- okay. [ laughter ] you've already -- you have to say whether -- >> jimmy: how long is the show how long is the show >> this show or -- >> jimmy: no "card sharks. >> well, it's an hour long, but -- >> jimmy: of that? [ laughter ] >> wait a minute
i see what you're doing. >> jimmy: is it that for an hour >> it is that for an hour. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh, my god >> i know. >> jimmy: i feel like you have to do a lot of -- you gotta do a lot of stalling. >> oh, yeah, i do a lot of -- do you think this will be higher or lower, don't answer. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we'll have the answer right after the break. [ light laughter ] >> there's 18 commercial breaks [ laughter ] and by the end, by the end of the show - >> jimmy: one person says if a a card is higher or lower. >> jimmy: right. >> it's been a four for 58 minutes [ laughter ] and then i go, "jimmy fallon." >> jimmy: yes. "thks for being show." >> jimmy: no problem >> "again, do you think, now that we've reached the end here, higher or lower than a a four?" >> jimmy: don't, my nephew is in the audience. [ laughter ] >> your nephew has a very deep voice. [ laughter ] "lower, jimmy. [ laughter ] lower, say it. >> jimmy: lower. i'm a -- "we'll be here next
week to get jimmy's answer." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i do know the game "card sharks" now that you've told me. i do remember this and so, but people win a lot of money. >> okay, so, yeah, i mean, it's like saying tennis is just a a simple game, where two people have nets and they throw a ball over >> jimmy: yeah there's wagering >> right, it can get up to 690 grand. and so - >> jimmy: why not 700,000? [ lauger [ laughter ] and you're talking about it. >> it must be fun to -- >> no, and i -- this young woman won like $250,000 with the turn of a card, and she's a single mom, and i don't have a heart, i have a ball bearing right here, and it just spins around and it's cold and then, all of a sudden, it's like i become the grinch with growing two hearts at once because she's crying, and then i start crying and then, she's like, "i'm in and i'm like, "well, not in l.a., but yeah." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oh my. you gotta tune in, "card sharks." [ cheers and applause joel mchale, wednesdays at 9:00 p.m. on abc
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>> jimmy: they do not stand for everybody. >> thank you very much thank you very much. >> jimmy: you got a standing ovation. you felt the love. >> yeah. >> jimmy: you look good. >> thank you >> jimmy: you have less of a a mustache >> i have no mustache. >> jimmy: yeah >> i actually -- it's the first time in about 15 years that i have no mustache >> jimmy: wow. >> i had to -- i shaved it off for a role in a movie actually yeah >> jimmy: oh, who do you play in the movie >> i played the guy in the mustache >> jimmy: ah [ light laughter ] that's good casting. >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: good casting >> it said, "guy without mustache."at was it. it's very broad, but i'm like, "i can do that i'll just take it off. >> jimmy: but you look good. you taking care of yourself? >> i am. i think i am >> jimmy: yeah >> you know, i do things to take care of myself. i don't know -- i don't know what i know, jimmy, do you do you ever think -- [ laughter ] no, i mean, like, have you ever had a few hours during the day and sat down and go like, "what do i really know?" [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't -- i don't want to know that. >> well the weird thing is you're like -- and this is all going someone. like, if you make a column of things you're pretty sure you know - >> jimmy: yeah >> and then you make another column of how you know those things, about 90% of that second column is just like, "some guy told me.
you're like -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that is true >> right, so the point being is like -- look, i take vitamins. >> jimmy: yeah >> i take them i take them every day, because i'm afraid to die and i'm stupid [ light laughter ] so, but every day i take my vitamins i look at them in my hand. >> jimmy: yeah i got vitamin b, vitamin d, vitamin c. and i look at them and in my heart, jimmy, i know these don't do anything. >> jimmy: right. [ light laughter ] you know -- you know -- yeah, they do nothing. >> but i'm in. i'm taking them.'making them evy in. so if i don't take them one morning and i drive somewhere, i've actually gone back to my house to take my stupid vitamins [ light laughter ] because in my mind i'm like, "what's going to happen today" - >> jimmy: yeah >> -- "if i don't take them? am i going to get in a car accident?" and vitamin d stops accidents. >> jimmy: i did not know that. >> so it looks fantastic >> jimmy: yeah but my point it is it's like, it is kind of b.s. and you never know when someone's going to randomly dump some crap into your head. some guy you don't know that well or somebody you're just talking to them -- >> jimmy: yeah >> and out of nowhere they're
going to say something like, "are you taking tumeric? [ light laughter ] >> and then you're like, "what tumeric? "yeah, you got to take tumeric and you're like, "tumeric? "yeah, tumeric "the spice are you talking about the spice? so he's like, "yeah, you got to take that. "wait, the spice that you buy once to make an indian recipe, and you never use it again and it stains your wooden spoon? that tumeric?" you know, like, in my mind that's ridiculous. >> jimmy: yeah >> i'm just tiof [ laughter ] well, he told me it was for inflammation and then i said, "what do you mean inflammation? he says, "you know, general inflammation." i'm like, "what is that? and he's like, "well, it's the new bad thing that causes all the other bad things, you know?" and then i'm like, "what about cholesterol? he's like, "well, it turns out that's good for you. [ laughter ] so like -- so i got to be honest, since i've been taking it i feel less inflamed. >> jimmy: wow. >> i do. i feel - >> jimmy: well, you look less inflamed >> jimmy: wow. you looked less inflamed >> less inflamed in a general way. >> jimmy: well, you look great thank you for coming back to our show >> nice to see you >> jimmy: i want to talk about your film. >> i know, it's exciting, isn't it
>> yeah, the "sword of trust." >> yes >> jimmy: is this the name of the film >> yeah. >> jimmy: what is it about >> it's funny. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: it's good. i want to get that right out front. >> jimmy: yeah >> it's a funny movie. like, really a funny movie >> jimmy: i feel like -- when i watched it, i go, "this is tailored made for marc maron." >> well, that's because it is tailored made for me >> jimmy: it was >> the director, lynn shelton, this is her eighth film. and we worked together on a few tv projects. she directed my comedy special my last one. and she wanted to make a movie for me she wanted me to be in a movie we've been writing one for three years but we weren't finishing it and i said, "well, go write another one. and she does, right? and she says, "the idea came to me." she was driving past a pawn shop in santa monica and she's like, "that's where marc should be he should be a pawn shop owner. i'm like, "how is that the thought? like, "marc should be in there with the sad items that people had to, you know, sell to save their lives. [ laughter ] they ran out of money -- just the abandoned things >> jimmy: they think it's you. >> yeah, just sad items. like, "why am i here someone loves me?" and i'm like, "yeah, okay, i fit. >> jimmy: yeah so the idea of the film is, it takes place in birmingham, alabama.
on this, kind of, like, you know, kind of a -- [ cheers ] >> jimmy: yeah >> what? is the whole state here? >> jimmy: yes. it's wild. never heard this wow. >> it's a great -- it's a great city but, i'm there i'm sort of a transplant i've had a rough life. and i own this pawn shop and i'm kind of -- not a a cynical guy, but a little kind of -- i've accepted my lot in life. and i have this guy that works with me. and these two women that come in they're a couple and they've got a sword that one of them inherited from her grandfather. now the catch to the sword is it -- they -- along with the sword there were some documentation. and apparently this documentation proves that this union sword is somehow part of this truth -- not a conspiracy -- that proves that the south actually won the civil war. >> jimmy: wow! >> like, why aren't you laughing i mean - [ light laughter ] that's ridiculous. i mean, this is a great statement -- >> jimmy: yeah >> -- about the culture we live in that 90% of the audience is like, "i've heard that one i've heard that" - [ laughter ] i think that might be a true conspiracy
it's not it's made up >> jimmy: you were never a a conspiracy theorist at all >> all right, there was a time, jimmy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: yeah what did you believe >> well, it was before they became popular a popular way to dupe people into believing things. i -- >> jimmy: you liked it before people got on the bandwagon? >> no. way back back when i was like -- i was in this rabbit hole about the government, about the u.s. government i -- there was a lot of -- there's some old timey conspiracy theories, right >> jimmy: yeah >> so, like, there's ew>> jimmy: that's right, yeah >> th [ laughter ] so - >> jimmy: wow. >> being a jew was not something i wanted to be a part of >> jimmy: yeah >> but, here's what happened so, i'm with my buddy jim who works in d.c he's been working in d.c. for obama, clinton, for a lot of presidents he's been there, like, most of his life and he's walking me around the government building. this right when i'm in the middle of the conspiracy thing and i just start rambling on about it like, "this is all garbage this is a mystical space the washington monument is lined up with the capital because it's satanic." like, was crazy, right [ laughter ]
so i go on for, like, ten minutes with this huge theory. and my friend jim is just looking at me. and i stop i take a breath and he goes, "people here just aren't that organized. [ laughter ] that kind of nipped it in the butt >> jimmy: that's the end o w york times gave you a really nice write-up they said, "marc maron delivers one of the year' performances." >> thank you [ cheers and applause >> -- not bad. ♪ not bad. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip. here is marc maron in "sword of trust. take a look at this. >> so what's the big plan with the cash >> well, we want to -- i mean, eventually we want to have a a kid. >> aw, that's nice >> can't really do it on our own, you know? >> what, are you going to buy a kid, buy sperm >> no. >> have one? >> i want cynthia. i mean, we talked about it she'd carry. >> okay. so you're going to carry the kid, that's the plan >> i'm hoping if i can, you know >> you seems the more motherly
of the two of you. >> oh, does she? >> yeah. >> oh, that's -- thank you >> you're welcome. >> that's great. >> i think he means it as a compliment >> well, it doesn't sound like the compliment >> i think you're two sides of the mother coin. like, yoow, you just made ablenc and i felt like i had done something wrong. and then i look at her, and i'm like, "it's going to be okay." >> yeah. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: dude, you're right it's funny marc maron, everybody. [ cheers and applause "sword of trust" is in select theaters now we'll be right back with blake griffin, everyone. stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ [radio weather report playing] [airpod case clicking open] hey siri, play me something new. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ it was just past one when two three men from four five ♪ ♪ step to me door like ♪ oh my gosh ♪ just throw that cash in a black bag ♪ ♪ run around the back and ♪ pull up the track, cause yaow ♪ ♪ i just learnt some jazz today, it's true ♪
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[ cheers and applause it's going to be a good show tomorrow night but first, we'll be right back with blake griffin, everybody. don't change the channel [ cheers and applause ♪ ok i'll admit. i didn't keep my place as clean as i would like 'cuz i'm way too busy. who's got the time to chase around down dirt, dust and hair? so now, i use heavy duty swiffer sweeper and dusters. for hard-to-reach places, duster makes it easy to clean. it captures dust in one swipe. ha! gotcha! and sweeper heavy duty cloths lock away twice as much dirt and dust. it gets stuff deep in the grooves other tools can miss. y'know what? my place... is a lot cleaner now. stop cleaning. start swiffering.
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festival please welcome blake griffin [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy: thank you so much for coming back to our show. and thank you for -- and congratulations by the way, on a great first season with the pistons. >> thank you >> jimmy: you did a great job. you went all the way to the playoffs [ cheers and applause >> yeah, thank you >> jimmy: how is your offseason going? >> it's been good. >> jimmy: yeah >> i've been hanging out, enjoying some time off >> jimmy: what do you think about this whole deal -- free agency that went kind of crazy. >> it is but honestly, man -- >> jimmy: with the nets and clippers >> almost everybody. >> jimmy: did you know about -- do people know about this stuff before it hits the news or - >> i feel like -- i mean, i find out about some of the stuff just as a fan. >> jimmy: you didn't know about
any of these - >> some of the guys you kind of know you kind of hear some things but i was at the comedy store the other night.and en kawhi wee clippers - >> jimmy: yeah >> i was -- my friend was on stage doing a set. and i was like -- it started happening, like, rolling in. he came off. he was like, "how is it? i was like, "i don't know. [ laughter ] this is huge." >> jimmy: "i'm on twitter right now. this is giant. yeah that's how you found out on is twitter? >> yeah. >> jimmy: wow. that's - >> with everybody else >> jimmy: yeah [ light laughter ] but you -- you also love comedy i love that you love comedy. what got you into comedy >> i think just, you know, from an early age watching comedy with my dad, "saturday night live." and then - >> jimmy: who were some of your favorites? [ laughter ] [ drum roll >> on "saturday night live?" >> jimmy: yeah >> well, i mean, obviously you have to mention adam sandler >> jimmy: yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah [ laughter ] >> you were really great >> jimmy: oh, thank you so much oh, my gosh, you didn't have to say that ♪ [ cheers and applause you didn't have to say it. you didn't have to that at all oh, my gosh. what are your favorite characters of mine
[ laughter ] but then you started doing stand-up yourself? >> i did, man. i kind of stumbled into it i was going to go to "just for laughs" in montreal. >> jimmy: i love "just for laughs." >> this was four years ago, i think. and i had a call with the director and he was like, "you know, we should find something fun for you to do. and he was like, "do you want to host the 'midnight surprise show?'" i was like, "yeah, sure." like, thinking i was just going to be like, "and now so and so." >> jimmy: yeah >> and it turned out i had to do ten minutes so i had to go write ten minutes. and -- >> jimmy: what did you write about? >> just basketball, you know [ laughter ] the only thing i know, man >> jimmy: do what you know, man. yeah >> yeah, exactly and it worked out. and now i've written a whole new 15 minutes or so and i've been -- i worked on it in l.a i'm going to go out tonight. and -- >> jimmy: that's fun >> yeah, we'll see how it goes >> jimmy: and so this thing is july 25th, i believe if you go to the website, hahaha.com [ light laughter ] i can't believe they got that website. >> three "ha's", yeah. >> jimmy: three "ha's" and go y. get tickets to go see this have you ever been heckled >> not while i was doing
comedy i get heckled all the time playing basketball [ laughter ] >> jimmy: just by fans yelling >> yeah, just fans especially on the road there was a guy one time -- like, one of my very of my very first games, in portland i was a rookie, just checked in and this guy named kurt thomas was standing next to me. >> jimmy: sure >> and it got so quiet in the arena. so everybody can hear this guy and he goes, "hey, blake, the coolest thing you've ever done is stand next to kurt thom." [ laughter ] i was like - >> jimmy: that's pretty good >> yeah, i mean, at this point, yeah >> jimmy: yeah, exactly. he's right, yeah absolutely has it helped your basketball at all doing standup? >> not really the physical part of basketball. [ light laughter ] but definitely -- you know, like, after the game, you have to do media. and you have to sit at a press conference and answer questions. and i feel like people always think athletes are really stupid and it's not that we're stupid it's just that we just exercised for two hours. and there's not really enough oxygen in our brains to -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: to answer -- >> to actually be able to -- >> jimmy: tricky questions >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: yeah >> i mean, can i show you? >> jimmy: sure
>> all right, stand up for me. >> jimmy: okay >> you need just a little space. >> all rightto come here sohat i want you to do - >> jimmy: okay >> run in place, jumping jacks, whatever you want. >> jimmy: okay >> for 15 seconds. >>immy: i see where this is >> while you're doing it, i'm going to commentate on how you're doing it. >> jimmy: oh, my -- this is going. the -- ♪ >> all right [ cheers and applause start off really slow. all right. quick feet, by the way and stop all right, jimmy >> jimmy: yeah >> tell me how you're feeling? tell me about how you're feeling about how you feel >> jimmy: i just - >> all right [ laughter ] and, one more time, how did you feel when you first started out there? >> jimmy: i don't -- >> see how stupid that sounds? [ laughter ] it's not - [ applause ] it's not our fault >> jimmy: it's not your fault. it's not your fault. >> it's not our fault. >> jimmy: blake griffin, everybody. [ cheers and applause go to hahaha.com for tickets to "comedy. by blake. dusty slay performs stand-up for us after the break stick around [ cheers and applause ♪ my experience with usaa
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our next guest has been named one of "variety" magazines 10 comics to watch and on august 6th, he'll be in nashville at the grand ole opry [ cheers ] everyone, please say hi to the very funny dusty slay. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> all right all right. all right. okay
we're having a good time [ light laughter ] you know having a good time i'd like to tell people we're having a good time, you know i don't like to ask. a lot of comics come out here. and they go, "are we having a good time? not me i can't risk it. [ light laughter ] you know what i mean i like to let you know i am pumped to be here though. i travel around a lot. i don't always get the best hotels i stay at a lot of hotels. they're not always the best. i was in one recently and nothing worked the elevator didn't work finally got up to my room and the wifi didn't work so, i went back downstairs and i was like, "hey the wifi doesn't work." and he was like, "yeah, it's a a little shaky but the network name is ramadainn1." and that's when i realized why it was shaky because we weren't at a ramada inn. [ light laughter ] [ applause ] i could see the ramada inn through the window [ laughter ] he was like, "but it works real good down here in the lobby. why don't you just use it here in the lobby?" and i'm like, "well, obviously you don't know what i need wifi for. you know what i mean [ laughter ] okay, we're having a good time and -- let's not forget, we're
having a good time [ light laughter ] i was at one hotel and they had a sign inside the room that said, "not responsible for stolen items." so i took some stuff [ laughter ] and then i'm like, "i'm not responsible either i don't even work here i've been needing a lamp with some plugs on it." [ laughter and applause it's hard to plug my stuff into a wall at home, you know get a lamp i can plug some stuff into it's tough to find a lamp with usb ports on it. [ light laughter ] you find one, you take it. that's a rule. [ laughter ] i was at a casino hotel one time and they had a sign in there had a list of everything you could steal. and how much it cost all right? that way if you want to steal it, they'll just charge you right to yor account i guess to keep you from stealing right? but they had an ironing board on there for, like, $20. [ light laughter ] i was like, "that seems like a a pretty good deal to me." [ laughter ] you know what i mean, like, i
don't buy a lost ironing boards, so i don't know. but $20 seems cheap, right [ light laughter ] plus, who's bold enough to steal an ironing board from a hotel. like, a towel i get. you can put that in your bag but an ironing board that's bold, right you're at check out, like, "nah, i had this when i came in." [ laughter ] yeah, it does look a lot like yours, but - [ laughter ] i always carry an ironing board with me. good thing, 'cause there's not one in that room [ laughter and applause we're having a good time [ laughter ] and i don't know how to iron, though, you know like, i know how it works. you know, like, you plug it into the lamp, and then -- [ laughter ] okay, we're having a good time i like to read bad hotel reviews. i read one recently. this guy was like, "this hotel room was so disgusting, there were bugs in the bed, blood in the carpet catch a disease. and that continental breakfast
was a joke i was like, "dude, you stuck around for breakfast?" [ laughter ] you got to get out of there, man. you wouldn't do that at a friends house, you know? you wouldn't be like, "oh, it's too gross to sleep let's check out the fridge." [ laughter and applause okay, all right. i hate staying at people's houses, though i like a hotel you know, you have to follow people's rules at their houses you don't know what to expect. you ever go to somebody's house and they got a dog that's barking at you, growling at you. and they go, "he won't bite. [ laughter ] it's like, "why do you think that?" "'cause he's never done it before?" "well, maybe today is the day. [ light laughter ] 'cause he looks like he wants to bite. they're always like, "well, he might lick you to death. i'm like, "death [ laughter ] who said anything about dying? [ laughter ] i'm just worried about being bitten i don't even know why you brought up death." [ laughter ] i just think it's a weird idea,
right? 'cause the dog looks like he wants to bite you. like, you show up at somebody's house and there's some gut in there with a knife and he's just doing like this - [ laughter ] they're like, "he won't stab you. [ laughter and applause he might lick you to death [ laughter ] yeah, he'll settle down in a a minute he's just not used to being around people. [ laughter ] all right. we're having a good time thank you, guys. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: that is how you do it, right there. that is how you do it. dusty slay for more, go to dustyslay.com. my thanks to joel mchale, marc maron, blake griffin. dusty slay, once again [ cheers and applause
[ cheers and applause ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- jesse eisenberg, star of "animal kingdom," actress emily deschanel, a performance from kate tempest. featuring the 8g band with raghav mehrotra. ♪ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers. this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? [ cheers and applause good to hear in that case, let's get to the news