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tv   The Tonight Show Starring Jimmy Fallon  NBC  July 15, 2019 11:34pm-12:35am PDT

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then, long beach. if you got kids, get them into tech. ey be good at math. >> steffen is good at math. >> numbers drop down to 73 by friday. 70s for the afternoon. how is that map? >> we may need to be there [ knocking ] >> jimmy, show is in two minutes. >> jimmy: be right there stephen? >> yeah, i'm here, jimmy i'm just trying on a new bandana. i'll tell you what, let's change frequencies the writers listen to this one [ static ] that's better.
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what's up? >> jimmy: hey, i just want to wish you good luck this week i know we're both back with new shows. so, good luck. >> aw, thanks, jimmy hey, man, do you wanna do that thing? >> jimmy: right now? >> yeah. let's do it. >> okay. ♪ turn around look at what you see in her fac the mirror of your dreams ♪ ♪ make believ i'm everywhere given in the light ♪ ♪ written on the page is the answer to a never ending story ♪ ♪ ahh >> you're doing the thing from "stranger things." >> jimmy: what >> the thing from "stranger things." the "stranger things" thing. love that thing. >> why was he talking about
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"stranger things"? >> jimmy: i don't know never seen it. ♪ never ending story [ cheers and applause ♪ >> steve: from 30 rockefeller plaza here in new york city, it's "the tonight show starring jimmy fallon." and now, here's your host, jimmy fallon [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> jimmy, [ cheers and applause welcome. thanks, have a seat. oh, look at that welcome, everybody welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome to "the tonight show." this is it [ cheers and applause you're here. you made it. welcome. you guys, we got to hurry. 'cause we could lose power at any second right now [ laughter ] what a crazy weekend here in new york city.
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there was a huge blackout. for hours, new yorkers were trapped on subways, traffic was at a standstill, and there was no air conditioning at port authority. then the blackout hit. but this is new york city. so new yorkers rallied and managed to keep calm then everyone's phone battery reached 5% and all hell broke loose. [ laughter ] "i will cut you, man!" get this, though i heard that the blackout even affected some weddings at the plaza hotel, the lights went off right before a couple exchanged vows [ audience ohs ] even worse, the bride had just said, "god, if this is a a mistake, please give me a sign." [ laughter and applause across the city when the traffic lights went out, some new yorkers decided to step into the street and direct traffic themselves check it out [ horn honking ] [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's exactly what you want five strangers pointing in different directions at the same time.
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[ laughter ] then after about five hours, the power came back on and people were really excited watch, this is real. watch this [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yeah [ applause ] that's like when your friend shows up at the party with more beer it's like, "oh!" [ cheers and applause hey! ♪ [ air horn ] ♪ >> steve: beer [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: let's get to some news here. everybody's talking about this racist tweet the president sent yesterday. he told a group of democratic american congresswomen to "go back from where they came from." [ audience boos meanwhile, melania was like, "hey, how come they get to leave? [ laughter ] >> steve: oh oh [ light laughter ] sorry.
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whotoon the wimbledon men's final yesterday. [ cheers and applause did you see that it was the longest men's final ever, lasting almost five hours. the players were fine. but the ball boy was carried out on a stretcher it was sad it was sad [ laughter ] well, guys, this is big. we are right in the middle of amazon prime day are you feeling the buzz yeah [ cheers ] and i read that one of the top selling items is the insta-pot that's also one of the most returned items when stoners realize -- [ laughter ] it's not what they thought it was. yeah and get this, to compete with amazon, i saw that best buy is holding a big sale it's where you test out electronics before going home and ordering them off amazon sometimes right in the aisle you go, yeah, i'm not gonna go home speaking of prime day, i heard that federal officials have recently started to crackdown on fake amazon reviews apparently, a lot of reviews on amazon are fake or paid for. usually you can tell i mean check it out.
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for instance, here's a yoga mat. the fake review says, "i use it every day. it's comfortable and easy to clean. [ laughter ] real review says, "i carry it around all in my bag so people think i did yoga whether or not i actually did yoga. [ laughter ] [ applause ] next up, here's a roomba the fake review says, "it's really good at cleaning the floors." real review says, "i'm trying to train it to bring me a bud light from the kitchen." [ laughter and applause trying to train a roomba just get -- takes you longer to train it to just -- whatever >> steve: go >> jimmy: look at this this is for a one gallon of pure protein powder. fake review says, "drank this shake and got jacked." [ laughter ] real review says, "this thing has been sitting on top of my fridge for nine years in three different apartments." [ laughter and applause yeah, just pack it in the box. i'll use it one day. and finally, here's a slip 'n slide. the fake review says, "so much fun on h real review says, "i didn't get it wet enough. now i'm just praying my nipples grow back.
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[ laughter and applause we have a great show tonight give it up for the roots, everybody! [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: hey! nice to see you. i missed you guys. welcome back thank you so much. nice to see you, higgins nice to see you, roots did you have a good break would you say? >> steve: fantastic. >> jimmy: you did. >> steve: went to europe all over europe. >> jimmy: you went all over the place. you went -- where was that photo from you in a boat or something >> steve: lakeom>>immy: really >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: you hang out - >> steve: senor higgins? >> jimmy: oh >> steve: they knew the show in europe, everywhere >> jimmy: yeah, it's wild. i went -- i was over in europe as well. >> steve: where were you >> jimmy: i went to -- >> steve: you're a peein'. >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you're a peein'? >> steve: i was incontinent, yeah >> jimmy: yeah you were incontinent >> steve: yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i did go to -- i went to london. i do it every year first i went to wolfeboro, new hampshire, which is a - >> audience: woo >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: that's the -- i went
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with that -- >> steve: jimmy wolfeboro. >> jimmy: i went with that guy me and that guy had a bro weekend. it was awesome [ laughter ] >> steve: he trained a roomba to give you a bud light. >> jimmy: he brought me beer and we were like, "whoa, let's do it. it's just the coolest town i love new hampshire i love wolfeboro they have a great parade, fourth of july parade. i had a great time there and gosh, my kids had fun. then they wanted to go to london >> steve: oh >> jimmy: my -- franny, the -- my four-year-old was like, "i want to live in london." i don't know why she said -- just anything but live with me she just wants to go somewhere else [ light laughter ] so she's like -- all right so we went and it was big european family trip it was fun all she wanted -- her and winnie, they wanted to be on a a double decker bus. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: and they wanted to see a mummy. >> steve: oh [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: i don't know why in england -- >> steve: "a mummy." >> jimmy: yeah, yeah so -- yeah, "hello, mummy. peppa pig. [ laughter ] no, but --eah, we did -- we set up -- i got them on a double decker bus. it was great they loved it. they thought it was the most fun thing ever and then, it was just fantastic. and then my wife took the kids home a day early and i got to hang out with lorne. i see lorne michaels there every year
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we meet up in england, walk around, go shopping, stuff like that dude, i did some good shopping >> steve: what did you get >> jimmy: what did i get >> steve: what didn't you -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: dude, i'm bringing the fanny pack back. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause dude, it's expensive - expensive, but it's worth it >> steve: right, let's see it. gucci fanny. [ cheers and applause wow! >> jimmy: tariq, tariq, come on don't even talk -- >> steve: oh >> jimmy: so you're just hanging out. >> steve: that gucci cover your coochie. ilike this. >> steve: it's like a holster. >> jimmy: almost like -- >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: i'm han solo >> steve: yeah yeah >> jimmy: like a han solo fanny -- you almost can't tell i'm wearing it [ laughter ] it's almost like, "what's up, man? >> steve: that does not look bad at all that looks great >> jimmy: what are you talking about? i can't even hear what you said >> steve: yeah, because it looks -- [ light laughter ] it looks so great. >> jimmy: yeah, it just looks great. >> steve: that looks casual. >> jimmy: it's casual, right [ laughter and applause >> steve: gucci. [ air horn ] ♪ cover your tucci
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>> jimmy: anyways, since i did that, i guess you can wear it - you can wear it across as well >> steve: like a bandolier, yeah >> jimmy: like a what? >> steve: like a bandolier like a - >> jimmy: like a -- what's a a mandolier? >> steve: bandolier is usually -- >> jimmy: like that? >> steve: it holsters weapons across the front of your chest imagine like the frito bandito >> jimmy: like that? >> steve: there you go, that looks good [ laughter ] that's like a purse. >> jimmy: doesn't seem as fun. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: it doesn't seem like - >> steve: wear it on your head like a pope hat. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: like how >> steve: yeah, no, the other way. there you go, that way or sticking straight up. oh, there you go yeah, there you go >> jimmy: wear that like a a napoleon - >> steve: yeah [ talking over each other like a bull fighter. >> jimmy: like a napoleon deal >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: no, i mean there's different ways to wear it. >> steve: oh, there you go wow. [ cheers ] >> jimmy: you're at thvioh, my " [ laughter ] i really can't even look at you right now. and you're jno you know i have something like this anyways -- >> steve: you think tariq is gonna be styling one of those tomorrow >> jimmy: i just got one of these jams and you can't even tell i'm wearing it i might wear it all -- i might wear it all show >> steve: yeah, i would. >> jimmy: i carry it - you know what i did? >> steve: put your vaping stuff in there [ laughter ] because that's cool too, man i think that's as cool that fanny pack >> jimmy: yeah, i put my vaping
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stuff -- yeah, you know me you know what i did? i got it i was very -- so excited to use it that i left my phone in the hotel room 'cause i'm not used to fanning my fanny pack. [ light laughter ] packing my fanny pack. >> steve: is that -- >> jimmy: i just packed it up with gum >> steve: gum, sure. >> jimmy: that's all i had in there. [ laughter ] >> steve: how much gum >> jimmy: i didn't want to put my >> jimmy: and i'm going to rip off -- i don't know how fast you can unclip this. >> steve: right. but you know what, they see that coming a mile away. >> jimmy: do you want to try to mug me >> steve: they know you got money. >> jimmy: try to mug me so - [ light laughter ] >> steve: okay, you want me to see if i can steal that? >> jimmy: yeah, it's just -- you got to unclip it from there. ♪ >> steve: so, i'm walking by oh, excuse me. >> jimmy: what's up, man [ laughter ] ♪ [ applause ] oh, you try. oh, my gosh. you have to give that back to me it's my fanny pack all my personal belongings it's not bad
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tariq, think about it, yeah. yeah, see, that's what i'm talking about, dude. [ cheers and applause so i did that -- you won't even believe this story and quest, you're going to freak out. but anyone who likes music i went back to the hotel and i'm hanging out. and i got to see lorne we hung out. and then we went to wimbledon. and i saw federer and nadal play >> steve: ooh. >> jimmy: two of the best ever it was unbelievable. yeah, if you saw the match [ applause ] i was like -- wait, wait, it gets so much better. it gets better so i see that happen it's unbelievable. and federer wins and they love him over there and it's really exciting, really fun and then lorne and i get in the car. and we go to hyde park we go see neil young in hyde park >> steve: oh [ audience ohs ] >> jimmy: amazing, i go -- neil young's unbelievable, crushes. we go back and say hi to neil. and we're with stella mccartney stella goes, "i have to facetime my dad. 'cause he loves you. she facetimes paul mccartney neil young and paul mccartney are facetiming each other. i swear to god [ light laughter ] i go -- i can never say i was -- that ever happened. i go, "this is the best day ever." i love those guys. then, i'm not kidding, the show
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wasn't over. we went back to see the end of the concert. bob dylan came out and did a a concert. >> steve: what >> jimmy: so -- i swear this is a true story google it. i don't know what to say [ laughter ] >> steve: was he wearing a a gucci thing? >> jimmy: i see federer, nadal i wore my fanny pack [ laughter ] i think the fanny pack was a a magnet >> steve: you think it was a a magnet >> jimmy: it was good luck >> steve: you think none of this - >> jimmy: the more i've been wearing that thing, the more lucky things have been happening. >> steve: really, like what else >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: what other - >> jimmy: i just got some -- i got some looks ke - >> steve: hey. >> jimmy: "way to go." [ light laughter ] i got a couple, "you're doing it right, buddy. [ laughter ] >> steve: people yelling in the street, saying "you're doing it right, buddy." >> jimmy: couple people yelled in the street, "you're doing it right, man." [ laughter ] in an american accent. >> steve: right, in london 'cause they knew it was you. >> jimmy: yeah >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: "nice bum bag. >> steve: yeah they call it a bum bag [ laughter ] really >> jimmy: that's what they said, yeah >> steve: that's true? >> jimmy: i wasn't even wearing it when they said that >> steve: really [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but they might have seen it the day before >> steve: they may have seen it before >> jimmy: they might have seen it the day before. anyway, it was a great break but i'm so happy to be back. i missed you guys. and i missed -- yeah, thank
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you. [ cheers and applause it's fun did you see -- catch the all-star game? the mlb all-star game was last week and we wanted to do something fun with the players so we gave a bunch of them weird phrases and asked them to sneak those phrases into their interviews as casually as possible no one knew that we were doing this here, check it out it's time for "drop it in. [ cheers and applause ♪ drop it i drop it indropt in ♪ >> this is my -- these are my basics this is what i need to do. and you can draw back on it. it's like they say, "even a hungry turtle can do a a jumping jack." [ ding ] >> absolutely, yeah. >> is it possible to have too many power hitters >> no, i don't think it's possible to have too many power hitters. we're the yankees. we don't -- you don't ask the milkman for steak. [ ding ] >> well, came down to last night, i was scrambling. and then i just thought to myself, "sometimes you got to dance with the pants you wore to prom. [ ding ] >> what is it like to prepare for your next start with this backdrop and this historic ballpark >> yeah, you know, it's great. you know, sometimes when the pencil breaks though, you just
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to scribble with the nibble. [ ding ] >> there was this overarching message. and it's, "it doesn't matter how much jelly you have in the jar, it's about how you spread it on your english muffin. [ ding ] >> a lot of great years going on, but i think rookie of year is michael chavis. cookie of the year, chocolate chip [ ding ] >> i feel really proud for -- for play with c.c.atch our combo? [ ding ] >> you got a supermodel wife what's the secret? you got to tell the youngster how to do it >> man, no secret. you know, i recently watched the movie "fever pitch." it still holds up. [ ding ] [ cheers ] so i mean it's love, baseball. all that [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: yes! the fanny pack those were great thank you to the players justin, thank you for that [ cheers and applause thanks to mlb. we love you, mlb stick around, we'll be right back with more of "the tonight show. "fever pitch" still holds up [ cheers and applause ♪
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guys - i've got an idea. ooh - what is it? so people love iphone xr, right? well, it does have an incredible camera. and it comes in all those amazing colors. uh-huh. what if we give the people iphone xr when they join t-mobile? iphone xr on us? yeah. iphone xr on us. what's not to love about that! for a limited time, join t-mobile and get the awesome iphone xr on us. ♪ oooooooooo... ♪ i'll show you something ♪ neeeeeewwww. ♪ i'm gonna make you ♪ moooooove. ♪ i'll show you something, i'll show you something... ♪ ♪ neeeeeewwww. ♪ i'll show you something, i'll show you something... ♪ people know aflac. aflac! but not when to use it. do i use aflac when the kids get slime in the plumbing?
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no. that's home owner's insurance. slime in my motorcycle. no. that's motorcycle insurance. slime everywhere? ughhh nooo, there's no insurance for that. do they help when i have bills health insurance doesn't cover? yeah! that's it! aflac! gross guys.
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[ cheers and applause >> jimmy: oh, hot crowd. welcome back to "the tonight show." great crowd, tonight hey, thanks guys i appreciate that. [ cheers and applause i missed you guys. guys, it is july and it's a great time to do some serious beach reading. and i don't want you to read any bad books this summer, so to help you guys out, i'm going to show you some books that you should avoid at all costs. [ laughter ] that's right, it's time for my latest installment of my "do not read" list here we go [ cheers and alaokthese books ♪ >> jimmy: now, before we start, i want you all to know that every book that i'm about to show you is 100 percent real these are actual books you can find them on amazon, your local bookstore, or check them out at your library, they are real all right, let's see what's on my do not read list. this first one is a self-help book >> steve: oh, great. >> jimmy: i love those this one is called, "getting high: how to really do it," by - [ laughter ] by dan clark
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>> steve: wow. >> apparently, dan came up with a drug-free, all natural way for people to get high and it was a national best seller >> steve: oh >> jimmy: and yeah, i don't know much about him. if you don't know much about dan, you can find out a little bit more about him in the front page here. the first page, about the author says, "dan broke his neck twice and fractured two vertebrae in his back [ laughter ] broke his nose, left arm, both thumbs, hands and little fingers. he tore both knees three times and both ankles twice. and has had surgery for an appendicitis, two hernias and a torn knee.[ lahter ] he's also been sewn up 11 times on his head, shoulder and hand." >> steve: wow! >> jimmy: it's just a little - what was his previous job? [ laughter ] was he a crash test dummy? what the hell happened to him? >> steve: i think i knhapainills [ laughter ] >> jimmy: oxycodone. >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: oxycodone, yeah. oxycotin, jeez, yeah, he's really high. anyways, next up is a how-to book this is called, "boat naming made simple. [ laughter ] >> steve: thank god. >> jimmy: the actual real book "boat naming made simple." they just make it so simple.
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>> steve: easy >> jimmy: i never thought it was a problem, but - >> steve: apparently - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: but what do i -- i don't own a boat >> steve: you don't know anything >> jimmy: i've never owned a a boat, i don't know anything. i've never -- but i just thought. i mean, it's just examples >> steve: yeah, great. >> jimmy: aliens ate my buick, eggs suck, soiled sheets, tiny hiney. [ laughter ] i don't know i don't think i need a book to name a boat. tariq, can you name a boat >> tariq: "the cod father. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: i'm going to call my boat, "swimmy fallon." higgins, can you name a boat >> steve: "tiny dingy. >> jimmy: yeah [ laughter ] tariq, do you got one? >> tariq: "ship happens. [ cheers ] >> j higgins? >> steve: "very small balls. [ laughter ] wait, what are we naming again [ laughter ] >> jimmy: boats. >> steve: boats, my bad. [ laughter ] i thought we were naming something else, nevermind.
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: think we - you don't want to know >> jimmy: what did you think we were naming? >> steve: you don't want to know >> jimmy: but you thought when i said the word "boat -- >> steve: i heard "testicles." [ laughter ] summer hearing i have swimmer's ear [ laughter ]ry ts bit. i'm not sure if this is gonna -- this bit is going to make it to air. >> steve: yeah, but we'll try. it might not >> jimmy: it might happen. >> sitte: >> jimmy: but we're just having fun. >> steve: yeah, just having fun. hf, man. have fun >> jimmy: hey, speaking of having fun, here's another advice book. >> steve: oh, what advice does it have? >> jimmy: yeah, this is called - [ laughter ] >> steve: having fun, man. >> jimmy: he's in the zone he's in the zone >> steve: having fun summer >> jimmy: he's having fun. >> steve: summertime, man. >> jimmy: he's in his different zone >> steve: yeah he's on vacay. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: a little rusty getting back >> steve: yeah, you know what i mean what other books you got there
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[ laughter ] >> jimmy: speaking of having fun, this is, "your affair: how to manage every aspect of your extramarital relationship with passion, discretion, and dignity. [ audience ohs ] >> steve: oh, god. >> jimmy: dignity. [ laughter ] an affair, oh, my god. >> steve: honey, i got a - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: nothing says discretion like carrying around a book called "your affair." >> steve: don't look at that book bag >> jimmy: all right, we've got two more and then we can get this bit over with >> steve: okay, what do we got there? hey, do you have another book? >> jimmy: what's that? >> steve: do you have another book you don't want us to read [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you want to read another book >> steve: yeah, let's read another book [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you want another book that i do not want you to read >> steve: yeah, i want to see what you think we should not read >> jimmy: no problem this is another how-to book. >> steve: oh, my god, i love it >> jimmy: this is called -- oh, this is very good. this is called, "how we make ducks pay an illustrated guide to the profitable breeding of our modern pekin all-white mammoth ducklings; plain and thorough lessons for beginners and others everywhere who write for the details and secrets of our waterless method." [ laughter ] >> steve: wow. >> jimmy: catchy title >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: it's a catchy title. rolls off your tongue. [ laughter ] >> steve: it's like water off a pekin duck's back. >> jimmy: this is our last one here >> steve: aw [ audience aws ]now, they didn' do that, because they can't wait for this bit. >> steve: no, they love this bit. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: we're down to our last one here. >> steve: aw [ audience aws ] >> jimmy: hey guys, i can't do anything, it's coming from -- coming from the -- [ laughter ] "end this bit! gosh, dangit, todd this is the worst bit we've ever seen. [ laughter ] we've got to get him off the air. [ laughter ] just run commercials go to black. >> steve: what is it
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>> jimmy: i'm sorry to say we're down to our last one >> steve: aw [ audience aws ] ♪ [ laughter ] this one -- oh, man. this one is called "stump sitting." >> steve: yeah [ laughter ] ♪ i'm stump sitting sitting on stumps ♪ >> jimmy: here's the problem, here's the problem with this one. i just feels like -- well, i feel like a missed opportunity there. [ laughter ] do you see what i'm saying >> steve: i think i see what you're saying. >> jimmy: because not only is it not a stump but he's not even sitting. >> steve: he's not sitting [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it is -- >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: this is unfortunately a missed opportunity >> steve: yeah >> jimmy: it should be called "tree leaning. >> steve: yeah [ laughter ] >> jimmy: let's take a look at - >> steve: close enough >> jimmy: let's take a look at - >> steve: oh, it's spiral-bound, too. >> jimmy: what he's talking about. here we go >> steve: that's classy. >> jimmy: yeah, you don't see much of these spiral bounds. [ laughter ] oh, this one is -- the chapter says "nude stump sitting." >> steve: okay [ laughter ] >> jimmy: it says, "as you know, it is my custom to go out in the woods and strip down to what the maker gave me." >> steve: oh >> jimmy: "and allow the fall breezes to blow away the stink of summer. [ laughter ] >> steve: ew, that was one of my boat names. "stink of summer" was one of my boats. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: there you have it, that's our "do not read. we'll be right back, everybody come on back [ cheers and applause ♪ from somewhere amazing. unique selection. unbelievable prices. homegoods. go finding.
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♪ [ cheers and applause j oscar-nominated actor who stars in a new film called "the art of self-defense," which is in select theaters now and everywhere on friday please welcome jesse eisenberg [ cheers and applause ♪ >> jimmy: hey, bud >> hey, how are you? >> jimmy: i'm fantastic. it's great to see you.ug >> i know. i should be on you tv show more >> jimmy: yeah, yeah [ laughter ] whenever you want, please. >> -- on you. >> jimmy: i want to -- i want to -- yeah, i guess it is. >> yeah. >> jimmy: there's lots to talk about, but i do want to say
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congrats on -- i know you did a sequel to "zombieland. >> yes, yes, yes >> jimmy: and all the fans are buzzing with that. congrats [ cheers and applause hopefully we'll have you back when that comes out in - >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- in october. >> okay, great then we'll be even >> how's woody harrelson is he -- >> he's the best he's, like, exactly what you would expect like, an amazing fun, nice, curious person >> jimmy: you've done a bunch of films with him. >> yeah, we did, like, four movies together. you know, he's really like -- he's really like a borscht belt comic, but in the body of somebody from texas. [ laughter ] and so i think that's why he likes me 'cause he, like, loves like, nerdy jewish jokes, basically. [ laughter ] but he's just like attractive and has a twang., yoknow, who he is. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: but doesn't he -- doesn't he introduce people to, like, famous friends of his and, like, hook people up? >> yeah. >> jimmy: and he's, like, good at that. he's gifted. >> yes, like, your day that you described in england with, like, paul -- he knows all of those people in fact, on the first "zombieland" -- like, the last day of filming he said to emma stone, who's in the movie, "you know who you'd be great friends with paul mccartney." and she was like, "oh, cool. thanks then we should hang out. [ laughter ] and i was, like, sitting in the car thinking like, "how does he know i would not like paul mccartney?" [ laughter ]
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and i mean, and i don't. i mean, i don't. >> jimmy: you don't? >> no, no. i never got their music. >> jimmy: no, no, of course. [ laughter ] of course. >> of course, of course. >> jimmy: i love the beatles yah, we love paul mccartney. >> obviously even if i didn't like -- yeah, of course. >> jimmy: yeah >> even if i didn't like the beatles, he's english. >> jimmy: who did he introduce you to >> oh, so, you know he's like, "jesse, you should meet my friend oren moverman." i was like, "is he in the beatles, too?" he's like "no, no, no, no. [ laughter ] he's a writer no one ever heard of who sits alone and he's depressed just like you. [ light laughter ] i said, "oh, okay. great. [ laughter ] like, anytime he goes to, like, a rock concert or something, takes emma if he's going to, like, a bar mitzvah, takes me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's very thoughtful of him. >> yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: i want to -- i want to talk about your new film. this is a very cool take on, i guess an action movie, or i guess so it's called "the art of self-defense." >> yeah. >> jimmy: and it's like a cool take on a sports movie >> jimmy: yeah, kind of. it, like, takes like, the sports movie genre and kind of, like, twists it on its head to be like a brilliant satire of, like, masculinity. so, like, my character is this kind of, like, meek, timid guy who gets attacked on the street so i sign up for this karate class to learn self-defense.
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and then the movie just turns into this bizarre satire on, like, cults and the absurdity of, like, you know, crazed masculinity. >> jimmy: do you -- do you know karate at all? did you have to learn it for the role >> like, everything you see in the movie is, like, the very extent of what i know. [ laughter ] which is to say, no, i'm not good at it >> jimmy: yeah, no [ laughter ] but you have to look, like, a little be yoknow what you're doing right? kind of? or - >> yeah. >> jimmy: -- well, i guess you're learning in the movie >> i'm like a yellow belt. and, like, i had, like, three weeks of intense training with, like, one of the best martial artists in the world this woman, mindy kelly. and it was, like, stressful because she was trying to, like, train me to be great like her, which i don't know how she didn't realize i would never, you know, be good even [ laughter ] and by the end of the training i just said to her, you know, "listen, i'm a yellow belt i don't have to be good in this movie at all." [ light laughter ] and then she was like, "okay, okay, that's fine. so we stopped. >> jimmy: yeah >> then i finally got a break. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you got -- but everyone else, it's great. and if seen -- if you've seen your scenes in the movie, you look like you know what you're doing? >> yes, i do i do, i do >> jimmy: and you have your own action figure. i don't know if you know this. >> i -- they told me, "you're gonna have an action figure. i said, "this is amazing." so, like, every young boy in america is gonna have an action
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figure of me and they said, "no, no, no we're making ten." [ laughter ] i said like "ten ten? how do you know? and they were like, "well, we -- we're actually aiming high we gauged the interest and we think ten's enough." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: you think -- "we did the research ten is about --" >> yeah, yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: "-- we're hoping we >> yeah, exactly >> jimmy: well, i happen to have one of them right here. >> i've actually not seen it >> jimmy: you have not seen? you guys want to see the action figure of him? [ cheers and a rlal. >> yes [ drum roll >> jimmy: "the art of self-defense." here's jesse eisenberg's action figure wow. [ cheers and applause ♪ >> can i see it? >> jimmy: that's for real, man >> this is amazing >> jimmy: that's unbelievable, right? >> yeah, that's really - we actually -- we weigh the same yeah >> jimmy: yeah, we weigh - [ laughter ] >> you know what made me laugh it says -- >> what? >> jimmy: "with fists -- fist kicking and foot punching action." >> yes, like the bare minimum of action. >> jimmy: yeah >> yeah. >> jimmy: but it has action there. >> yeah, no, it's not gonna do those things [ light laughter ] yeah, it's this, like, cool small company, death by -- death by toys.
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>> jimmy: yeah >> and they make, like, limited batch action figures >> jimmy: that's one of ten action figures >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's you, buddy. >> now there's only nine left, sorry. >> jimmy: i mean - >> yeah. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: -- it does look -- i mean, can we - >> yeah. >> jimmy: do we have a shot of it >> uncanny it's uncanny >> jimmy: it's unbelievable. [ laughter ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: that is amazing. >> yeah. [ cheers and applause yeah >> jimmy: congratulations. >> thank you, so much. >> jimmy: that's a big deal. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i want to show everyone a clip here here's jesse eisenberg in "the art of self-defense. take a look at this. >> adult contemporary? >> no, it should be metal. >> you mean like hard rock >> metal is much more aggressive than hard rock. from now on, you listen to metal. >> yeah. >> it's the toughest music there is >> what about hobbies? is there anything that you feel particularly passionate about other than your newfound passion for metal? >> i enjoy france.
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>> jimmy: yeah [ cheers and applause >> jesse eisenberg, everybody. "the art of self-defense" is in select theaters now and everywhere on friday fran lebowitz joins us after the break, stick around. [ cheers and applause ♪ we run right into these crises, and we do not leave until normalcy is restored. we'd been working for days on a site in a storm devastated area. a family pulled up. it was a mom and her kids. everything they had had been washed away. the only thing that brought any kind of solace was the ability to hand her a device so she could call her family and let them know that she was okay. (vo) there for you when it matters most. join us and get up to $650 when you switch. that's verizon. " when better chickens are hatched, we will hatch them." it's why all of the tyson chicken that bears his name is raised with no antibiotics ever.
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: stay right here, all week long. we got some great shows coming up tomorrow night, chance the rapper will be here [ cheers and applause we're going to do something fun with chance. then later in the week, we got joel mchale -- [ cheers and applause and music from robyn it's a great week. you don't want to miss it. [ cheers and applause stick around we'll be right back with fran lebowitz, everybody oh, how fun. i love fran lebowitz [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪
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♪ you gon' learn, hey ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny woman, a celebrated writer, and a a legendary new yorker everyone, please welcome back to the show fran lebowitz. [ cheers and applause ♪
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>> jimmy: thank you for coming back to the show you're one of my favorite people so thank you for being here. >> you're welcome. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: you know jesse you met jesse eisenberg? >> i have met him, yes >> jimmy: i have something -- you have a big announcement today. because you know, you did the documentary -- there was a documentary that martin scorsese did about you on hbo but now, you are doing a series on netflix with martin scorsese. i cannot wait for this now this is a big deal [ cheers and applause i am your number one fan i'm going to watch what is -- do you have a title do you have a title? >> we have a title, but for some reason, i have been told, "do not say the title. >> jimmy: what >> so i'm not going to say the title. i don't know why >> jimmy: that's interesting because i want to talk about that show, and yet we can't talk about the show. >> no. >> jimmy: is your name in the
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show >> no. >> jimmy: no >> no. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: because i would say -- i would think that your name would be great to have in the show, but it's not >> well, i thought of the title, so -- >> jimmy: you know what it is. >> i know what it is >> jimmy: can you say what it's about? can you say when it's airing >> no. i cannot say when it's airing. [ laughter ] no, not because -- >> jimmy: why even ask - >> not because i'm not allowed >> jimmy: well what the hell, what can we talk about this is insane [ laughter ] >> not because i'm not allowed to say when it's airing, but because it's not finished. >> jimmy: oh but finishing it is not up to me >> jimmy: no >> it's up to marty. >> jimmy: it's up to marty >> yes >> jimmy: you guys are friends god he gets together and he >> it is a -- it's basically about new york >> jimmy: yeah >> so lots of it is marty talking to me. interviewing me. it's not only about new york int subjects, many of which are new york >> jimmy: and he just wants to know your theory, your take on things >> yes, my take is one way of putting it and then - [ light laughter ]
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>> jimmy: there's other ways of putting it as well, but yeah >> and then, it's also me walking around new york noticing things. >> jimmy: how are you and martin scorsese walking around new york city? >> no, no. marty doesn't walk around with me he wanted -- he suggested that it would be a good idea. i suggested it would be a very bad idea [ laughter ] >> jimmy: so is he directing you from a remote vehicle? [ light laughter ] >> um, yes - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how did i guess that that's amazing this is amazing. i cannot wait for this so i don't know -- we don't know the title we don't know when it's out. but we cannot wait to see it this is a mystery. it's a really -- it's a shroud of mystery and it's beautiful it's a fun thing on different things. and i was talking to you backstage. and you were telling me that you recently got off the subway -- was it lincoln center >> yes and this is a lot of what this unnamed show is about. >> jimmy: yeah >> because i've always walked around all the time, and i've always noticed things. and other people also used to notice things, but then, everyone but me got a phone.
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and so, now everybody is just looking at the phone and they've bequeathed the entire city to me they're basically saying, "fran, it's all yours. you know this. >> jimmy: you're the only person paying attention in this city not looking at your phone >> right, so you can notice it so i came out of the subway. i was going to lincoln center. i came out on the wrong side i.e. on the opposite side from the lincoln center like 67th street and broadway. >> jimmy: yeah >> and while i was waiting for the light to change, something i do do. i notice that on this -- what really is a traffic island, there were a few chairs and tables this is something bloomberg started. when he started sprinkling knick-knacks throughout the city [ ug and when he first started doing this, people, you know, in new york thought, no one is ever going to sit there. but we were wrong. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: can you imagine? people are sitting there it's a popular thing >> i know. so there are people sitting there. there's like a couple little tables, a couple little chairs people are sitting there looking at their phones. and i then turn around, i notice there's a sign.
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and the sign says richard tucker park. richard tucker was an opera singer, but you knew that. [ light laughter ] >> jimmy: duh, yeah. hello. dick tucker? yeah, we know him. [ laughter ] i appreciate it. thank you. >> you probably on your way to lincoln center noticed this, too. >> jimmy: yeah >> and then, i thought - well, this is actually, of course, not a park, it's a a traffic island it's as big as this desk the entire thing >> jimmy: that's his park that he's dedicated - >> that's the whole park richard tucker park. that's the whole park. >> jimmy: yeah, sure that is nice >> with a few tables and chairs >> jimmy: opera. that's where yoy go see an opera. that's good. >> and the sign has, of course, rules. >> jimmy: for the park traffic. is no smoking. wantuso taint this pristine air that's in the middle of eight lanes of [ laughter ] >> jimmy: the fresh air of eight lanes of traffic
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exhaust, yeah. >> you know, the buses, the trucks, the cars that's nothing no smoking >> jimmy: no smoking >> i knew that it was going to say that and i don't remember the exact order, and i don't remember all the other ones because as soon as i got to "no barbecuing", i was stopped [ laughter ] so you can not barbecue there. >> jimmy: you think there's a lot of barbecuing going outside lincoln center >> not anymore, because now it's against the law [ laughter ] >> jimmy: of course. >> there might have been so -- >> jimmy: you can sneak a hibachi in there >> so now, you cannot barbecue there. so all the people who apparently could never think to go to the opera without a couple hot dogs first, they - [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they cannot do that any more >> they cannot do that >> jimmy: these types of things are going to be what the show may or may not be about? when it may or may not air >> it will eventually air. >> jimmy: yes, it will air >> i mean, i assume it will. >> jimmy: yes, of course it will >> i mean, marty has to finish it is the thing. >> jimmy: yes. >> and eventually, it will be on >> jimmy: i love you - >> i will never see it, because i don't have netflix [ laughter ] >> jimmy: what are you talking about? [ applause ]
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you have to -- why are you refusing you don't have a phone you don't want this stuff in your life. >> i do not. >> jimmy: you don't want it? >> no. >> jimmy: but you're on it >> so what [ laughter ] i mean - >> jimmy; yeah, but isn't it fun to - would you ever - >> do you watch yourself [ laughter ] >> jimmy: this is not a lie detector >> all right >> jimmy: i don't really - no, i don't watch myself but, you know, i'm happy that i'm available. [ laughter ] i like knowing that i'm available. >> right >> jimmy: but if i felt like watching myself -- >> you could >> jimmy: sure i could -- yeah, or i can get it - >> that's one of the differences between us, otherwise we're exactly the same [ laughter ] >> jimmy: i was gonna say, or i could get a mirror, yeah but i do like -- i don't really - but i -- yeah, no, i don't watch myself [ laughter ] but i like watching you. and so - >> you have netflix, you could watch me >> jimmy: but i'm watching you now. >> okay, so if that's sufficient, don't watch me [ laughter ] >> jimmy: all right. well, i will stop watching you
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now. and look forward to watching you in the future. [ light laughter ] fran lebowitz, thank you very much for being here. [ cheers and applause fran lebowitz. we'll be right back with a a performance from denzel curry stick around, everybody. [ cheers and applause ♪
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♪ [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: making his tv debut performing "ricky" and "wish" from his album "zuu", give it up for denzel curry!
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[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ first they mockin now they hoppin' all on the wave 'cause they see me poppin' ♪ ♪ big big big large pocket they start flockin' ♪ ♪ here's what i say when they as keep knockin' ♪ >> one, two, three let's go ♪ my daddy said trust no man but your brothers ♪ never leave your day one in the gutter ♪ ♪ my daddy said treat young girl like your mother ♪ ♪ my mama sai trust no one use a rubber ♪ ♪ i'ma act one tw stop the track ♪ ♪ bring it back what it do see ricky said never let nobody get the ♪ ♪ one up on you if they run up on yo hit 'em with a one two or a bitch slap ♪ ♪ leave the cul-de-sa your brothers gon' hav your back regardless and stick with your ♪ ♪ day one homie that was her before you started and fear no man but the ♪ ♪ man above your head pray before yo go to be every day my mama said ♪ ♪ first they mockin now they hoppin' all on the wave 'cause they see me poppin' ♪ ♪ big big big large pocket they start flockin' ♪ ♪ here's what i say
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when they as keep knockin' ♪ >> one, two, three let's go ♪ my daddy said trust no man but your brothers ♪ ♪ and never leave your day one in the gutter ♪ ♪ my daddy said treat young girl like your mother ♪ ♪ my mama sai trust no one use a rubber ♪ ♪ my daddy said trust no man but your brothers ♪ ♪ and never leave your day one my daddy said treat young girl like your mother ♪ ♪ my mama sai trust no one use a rubber ♪ ♪ and your mama ain't hey your daddy ain't hey ♪ ♪ and i been makin' waves way before nostalgic that was bac jitk with the all-black faded dickie with th raider fit ♪ ♪ that was it we was l ♪ we was three si wu-tang mixed with dipset ♪ ♪ ricky used to take me to my first shows ever would only drop jewels way ♪ ♪ before they dropped cheddar ♪ ♪ first they mockin now they hoppin' all on the wave 'cause they see me poppin' ♪ ♪ big big big large pocket they start flockin' ♪ ♪ here's what i say when they as keep knockin' ♪ ♪
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[ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ five six on to the three oh five nine five four and you already know ♪ ♪ that's i'm from a place to a place tha never snows >> let's go. ♪ dreads to the top gol in my mouth woaday and i keep a glock naw it's a glock 4 hands on a knot hands ♪ing bustn that going be the reason ♪ ♪ why she let you get behind her you might be the perso that's going probably ♪ ♪ wine and dine her i'ma take her home only using one liner pull up in a navigator ♪ ♪ truck excursion bad chick on the sid of me half persian i don't got a car ♪ ♪ but i got car service so many chains make feel nervous wait ♪ ♪ my chick is actuall from nicaragua put her on the team caus we both making dollars ♪ ♪ hit her with the stroke get her wet like aqu if she was bop i would hit then i'll drop her m ♪ hang with the bros 'cause
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you know blood thicker i miss my vros s we pour more liquor ♪ ♪ and you don't wan no smoke you don't want no swishe cause you don't want war ♪ ♪ with a sout florida hitter miami dade and i got it on my back ♪ ♪ i'm polo down t the socks r.i.p. mac it's r.i.p x and r.i.p tree ♪ ♪ i'ma do it for my dawgs this for all of my g dreads to the top gold ♪ ♪ in my mouth woada girls by the flock no let me stop woada and i keep a glock naw ♪ ♪ it's a glock 40 hands on a knot hand on your bop woaday she going bust it open ♪ ♪ for somebody in designe that going be the reason why she let yo get behind her ♪ ♪ you might be the wine and dine her ♪ ♪ i'ma take her hom only using one liners ♪ ♪ county line all the way to p rhyme ♪ ♪ five six on to the three oh five nine five four you should already know ♪ ♪ that i'm come fro a place that the cit where it don't snow ♪ >> i'm out [ cheers and applause >> jimmy: that's how you do it that's how you do it right there. denzel curry
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[ cheers and applause that's how you do it "zuu" is out now "zuu"! yeah, standing o not bad, buddy my thanks to jesse eisenberg, fran lebowitz. denzel curry, once again [ cheers and applause great, man thank you so much. and the roots, right there, from philadelphia, pennsylvania [ cheers and applause stay tuned for "late night with seth meyers. thank you for watching have a great night hope to see you tomorrow bye-bye, everybody that was great, man. [ cheers and applause ♪ ♪ >> announcer: from 30 rockefeller plaza in new york, it's "late night with seth meyers. tonight -- laura dern world cup champion, megan rapinoe,
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comedian catherine cohen featuring the 8g band with raghav mehrotra. ♪ [ cheers and applause ladies and gentlemen, seth meyers. >> seth: good evening. i'm seth meyers, this is "late night. how's everybody doing tonight? incheers and applause thhat case, let's get to the news president trump yesterday attacked four minority democratic congresswomen and said they should, quote, "go back and help fix the totally broken and crime-infested places

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