Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  November 26, 2021 11:35pm-12:37am PST

11:35 pm
>> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- gwyneth paltrow, kal penn, and music from hardy. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: thank you. hi, everybody. thank you, thank you, thank you. that's great. i appreciate that, thanks. welcome, hi. thank you very much. thank you, guillermo. hi, i'm jimmy, i'm the host of the show. [ cheers and applause ] thanks for watching at home. wow, quite a difference, right? tell you what. we have almost a whole audience. we have been bumped up from 50 to 75% capacity. [ cheers and applause ]
11:36 pm
that's you guys. i've been told that all 125 members of our studio audience are tested, vaccinated and sexually aroused. is that the case? [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] i appreciate it. i love that you had an extra hour of sleep last night, theoretically. did you get an extra hour? >> guillermo: yeah, everybody did. >> jimmy: you did? i didn't, not me. [ laughter ] i did not enjoy an extra hour of sleep because i have a 4-year-old maniac living at my house who loves to wake us up. [ laughter ] this was my clock this morning. when my son billy walked in and tapped me on the head to make him french toast, i knew he wasn't going to eat. 5:59 am. that's as blurry as my vision was. [ laughter ] and why? why do we do this to ourselves? daylight saving time is something benjamin franklin, who has been dead for 230 years, came up with as a joke! and it's still screwing with us. [ laughter ] it really was. for no reason. we don't have to worry about conserving whale blubber for our lamps anymore. [ laughter ] here in california, we voted to end this three years ago.
11:37 pm
we passed proposition 7, which was supposed to give our local authorities the authority to end daylight saving in 2018. it got 60% of the vote, and yet, here we are in the dark again at 5:00. [ laughter ] i'm going around the house resetting all the clocks, looking at manuals. enough is enough! i got up before 6:00 this morning. kids don't know it's daylight saving time. [ laughter ] i honestly tried to explain it to my 7-year-old daughter yesterday. i finally just gave up. i was like, "go to bed, i don't know what it is." by the way, you know who is in charge of daylight saving? the secretary of transportation. pete buttigieg. mayor pete is in charge. the last time he was on our show, i asked him to end it, he said he'd see what he could do. you know what he did? he did nothing. [ laughter ] he did nothing at all. but now i'm hopeful because pete buttigieg has 2-month-old twins now. [ laughter ] now maybe he'll understand what save us penelope and gus! [ laughter ] those are the babies' names. even history's worst man, donald j.o. trump, supports not supporting it.
11:38 pm
"making daylight saving time permanent is okay with me," he tweeted. this is back what he was allowed to. [ laughter ] this is a bipartisan issue. let's get a hashtag going to encourage our secretary of transportation to move on this. so we don't have to go through it again next year. #givedaylightsavingthebuttigieg oh, no one will be able to spell that, forget it. [ laughter ] the pickleball is in your court, pete. get this done, you'll be carried through the streets of washington on the exhausted yet thankful shoulders of this nation's parents. please, get this done. thank you. i've had enough. [ cheers and applause ] well, it only took about three weeks, but our crazy ex-president finally weighed in on the tragic on-set shooting involving alec baldwin. mar-a-lardo went on a local radio talk show host's podcast
11:39 pm
she's dead. so there's something wrong with him. he's a sick guy. i've seen him for years, because he did, i thought, a poor job of imitating me. darrell hammond did a great job. if you remember darrell. >> jimmy: he started at murder and somehow worked his way around to darrell hammond. [ laughter ] and if you're wondering how a former president of the united states could say something so reckless, insensitive, and wrong, i'm just surprised it took him this long. i'm almost proud of him for holding out three weeks. [ laughter ] and then, of course, he tried to claim this alec baldwin thing, it's nothing personal. >> i don't like him or dislike him. i don't actually know him. but i've watched him over the years, because he did so much for "saturday night live." i've watched him. he's a cuckoo bird, he's a nutjob.
11:40 pm
usually when there's somebody like that, in my opinion, he had something to do with it. >> jimmy: in your opinion? why do you have a opinion on this subject? oh, he hates being made fun of so much. he'll just accuse anyone of anything. this has got to be a tough one for alec baldwin's brother, stephen. because he's a big trump guy. the guy you love so much called your brother a murderer. what do you do? what would jesus do? [ laughter ] donald trump's days are so weird now. it's basically wake up, play golf, say something racist to the housekeeper, casually accuse someone you don't like of a crime, then back to bed to rub one out to oan. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] sad existence. speaking of blowhards picking fights, have you been following the twitter feud between ted cruz and big bird? [ laughter ] after the fda approved the covid vaccine for children ages 5 to 11, big bird tweeted, "i
11:41 pm
got the covid-19 vaccine today!" big bird is like a 6-year-old. my wing is feeling a little sore, but it'll give my body an extra protective boost that keeps me and others healthy." and ted cruz, who desperately wants to be noticed, lashed out. "government propaganda for your 5-year-old." this is how they think. if the government says it, it's propaganda. if congress does it, it's socialism. if the executive branch does it, it's fascism. if the president says it, he's a dictator. and if the media says it, it's fake news. the elections are rigged, the deep state runs the world, and big bird is working for merck. [ laughter ] and it's interesting because not only is ted cruz vaccinated, he was born with an immunity that protects him from contracting any friends. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] but the truth is i think maybe ted is still sore about big bird's most recent book. "big bird visits cancun to find ted cruz's balls." [ laughter ] spoiler alert, he never finds them. meanwhile, of all places --
11:42 pm
newsmax announced they will be requiring their employees to get vaccinated. that's like arby's making their staff go vegan, it makes no sense whatsoever. [ laughter ] today is the deadline for federal workers to be fully vaccinated, and thousands of them are claiming religious exemptions to try to get out of it. a religious exemption is basically asking god to write you a note to get you out of p.e. class. [ laughter ] it's a fanciful idea considering the fact that even the pope supports the vaccine. if you can prove you're more religious than the pope, then i'm okay with it. [ laughter ] the pope of green bay, quarterback aaron rodgers, has been playing some very spotty defense. you probably heard, aaron rodgers, who's unvaccinated, tested positive for covid last week even though he told reporters he was immunized months ago. he missed the game yesterday. he took a beating on social media, and some of his sponsors are dropping him or slowing down on running his ads. a-rodg defended himself by saying he tested negative over 300 times before testing positive. which is the same kind of logic
11:43 pm
your 95-year-old grandmother uses to justify keeping her driver's license. [ laughter ] then aaron attempted to explain himself on the "pat mcafee show," a former punter for the indianapolis colts. aaron was on to fire back at the "woke" mob. >> i go back to these two questions for the, you know, this woke mob. number one, if the vaccine is so great, then how come people are still getting covid and spreading covid and unfortunately dying from covid? >> jimmy: right, and if parachutes are so great, how come eleven people died skydiving last year? [ laughter ] the fact of the matter is, the risk of dying from covid is 11 times higher if you aren't vaccinated. this was a dumb conversation. you'll never guess who this whack-packer is getting his medical advice from. >> i consulted a good friend of mine, joe rogen. [ laughter ]
11:44 pm
i've been doing a lot of the stuff that he recommended. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: pat's covering his mouth, trying not to laugh. according to rodgers, one of the things joe rogan recommended is ivermectin. here's the thing i don't get, you won't take the vaccine, but you will take ivermectin. "good old ivermectin!" "now that's a product i can trust!" and by the way, if you're looking for advice from a former host of "the man show"? next time, call me. [ cheers and applause ] i have a second opinion on this. how does someone who almost hosted "jeopardy!" come up with 40 incorrect responses in a row? >> i would, you know, add this to the mix, and as an aside. but the great mlk said, you have a moral obligation to object to unjust rules and rules that make no sense. >> jimmy: but you didn't object. you pretended you were vaccinated and snuck around.
11:45 pm
always a good move for a white millionaire to half-quote dr. martin luther king jr., by the way. [ laughter ] he's claiming he's being canceled, which is ridiculous. the packers only scored 7 points without him yesterday, he's not getting canceled. a lot of people are comparing him to kyrie irving, and that's not fair. kyrie irving is wrong, but at least he's honest. aaron rodgers let everyone around him think he was vaccinated when he wasn't. he's not kyrie irving, he's bernie madoff. okay? [ laughter ] [ applause ] anyway, i wanted to get to the bottom of this story. i don't think this is just about aaron rodgers. it's about a lot of people -- thank you, cleto -- [ laughter ] it's about a lot of people who have this kind of line of thinking. so we did some digging. we are joined tonight by aaron rodgers' doctor, miles birchbark. thank you for joining us, doctor. [ applause ] >> thanks for having me, but before we go any further, for
11:46 pm
legal purposes, i need to tell your viewers that i am not technically a doctor. >> jimmy: oh. what are you, then? >> i am a fully-licensed homeopathic energy healer slash wellness alchemist slash vibrologist. >> jimmy: oh. [ laughter ] okay. well, can you tell us if you consider aaron rodgers to be vaccinated? >> yes, i can say that aaron is fully -- vaxterested. >> jimmy: he's what? what did you say? >> he's vaxterested. it means he's interested in vaccination, and he's heard of vaccination, and he's given being vaccinated a great deal of thought. >> jimmy: right, but he's not vaccinated? >> oh, god, no. but don't worry. i know aaron to be a critical thinker who marches to the beat of his own bongo, and he did everything dr. joe and i told him to do. >> jimmy: who is dr. joe? >> dr. joe rogan. >> jimmy: oh. okay, yeah. [ laughter ] what specifically did you and dr. joe tell him to do? >> well, i started with a baseline medicine that we can all agree on, bee pollen. lots of bee pollen!
11:47 pm
this guy was pounding so much pollen i thought the bees were gonna make him their queen! ha ha ha! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that doesn't sound like medicine. it sounds like pollen. >> i disagree, but for legal purposes, i agree. completely. [ laughter ] so next, i had him taking hourly sound baths. if you think covid responds well to vaccines, wait until you see how it reacts to the vibrations from a hand-crafted singing bowl. [ ding ] see? no covid. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: none of this sounds even remotely helpful as far as -- >> then just general common sense stuff. i made him run backwards for ten miles with no shoes. i had him wash his hair with beet root extract and gave him a handful of loose crystals to just sort of swish around in his mouth for a while. i really threw the kitchen sink at this thing, by which i mean i took the stuff at the bottom of
11:48 pm
my kitchen sink, made it into a paste, and put it in his morning matcha. >> jimmy: and did it work? >> it worked amazingly well, although for legal purposes, i should say it did not work. at all. >> jimmy: oh. [ laughter ] >> but his chakras are aligned, his chi is balanced, and his urine has never smelled more like kombucha! [ laughter ] >> jimmy: wait, is that a good thing? >> it's a great thing! look, we should be focusing on what matters. these treatments protected aaron from getting covid. >> jimmy: but doesn't he have covid right now? >> oh yeah. big time. [ laughter ] he may never smell or taste again, which is good because he hates my tabbouleh salad. >> jimmy: are you doing anything to help him get better? >> i've been doing this! [ ding ] >> jimmy: oh, yeah, okay. [ police sirens ] >> hey, hey -- i'd love to hang out and shoot the shaman with you, but i'm sort of in the middle of fleeing the country d.
11:49 pm
jimmy: where are you going? >> can't say. >> jimmy: well, enjoy your trip. >> oh, a trip is something you come back from. this is no trip. i will be faking my own death. don't tell the government! >> jimmy: i won't miles birchbark, everyone. >> don't forget to put "doctor" in air quotes! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a good show for you tonight. kal penn is here. we have music from hardy. and we'll be back with gwyneth paltrow. so stick around. ♪ ♪ don't be fooled by the bike. or judge him by his jacket. while ted's eyes are on the road, his heart stays home. he's got gloria, and 10 grand-babies, to prove it. but his back made weekend rides tough, so ted called on the card that's even tougher. and the medicare coverage trusted by more doctors. medicare from blue cross blue shield. by your side, no matter what. that's the benefit of blue.
11:50 pm
find your local blue cross and blue shield plan at benefitofblue.com with age comes more... get more with neutrogena® retinol pro plus. a powerful .05% retinol that's also gentle on skin. for wrinkles results in one week. neutrogena®. for people with skin. this holiday season, give your family the gift that keeps on... going? our very own energizer bunny! energizer ultimate lithium. [snowball splat and windshield wiper] the #1 longest-lasting aa battery. this black friday, do you want a tv? or do you want. the place on the tv?
11:51 pm
with mucinex all-in-one you've got powerful relief from your worst cold and flu symptoms. or do you want. so when you need to show your cold who's boss, grab mucinex all-in-one... and get back to your rhythm. ♪ the relief you need. the cash you want. ♪ ♪it's a most unusual day♪ ♪feel like throwing my worries away♪ ♪as an old native-born californian would say♪ ♪it's a most unusual day♪ ♪it's a most unusual sky♪ ♪not a sign of a cloud passing by♪ ♪if my heart won't behave in the usual way♪ experience the power of sanctuary at the lincoln wish list event. ♪ can i get ten large fries please? i'm gonna need like ten egg mcmuffin sandwich things? night, or the next morning, you've been loyal. mymcdonald's rewards is for you.
11:52 pm
now, every order earns points redeemable for free mcdonald's. ♪ best of my love by black pumas feat. sofia reyes ♪ shop new black friday ea deals at target.able save on select toys, boots for the family, tvs and more. now through saturday at target. [ end music ] your local bar is waiting for you this sunday, and there's one drink every bartender wants to serve. it's not an old fashioned, or a manhattan, because every bartender's least favorite drink to serve you, is one too many. ♪
11:53 pm
>> jimmy: tonight, his new book is called "you can't be serious," kal penn is with us. [ cheers and applause ] he looks like this.
11:54 pm
then later, he is nominated for cma new artist of the year. his album is called "a rock." music from hardy on the mercedes-benz stage. [ cheers and applause ] this week, we've got new shows with ryan reynolds, benedict cumberbatch, kevin garnett, jamie dornan. we'll have music from maren morris, ryan hurd and dustin lynch featuring mackenzie porter. so please join us for each one of those. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest is a multi-talented and multi-vitamin selling oscar winner with a new show about those things called orgasms. >> there's this thing in our culture with especially cis gender, heterosexual men, this is how you're supposed to be when you orgasm. it's easy. slot a goes into slot b and explosive, and that's how it works. we need to include all the expressions of pleasure. it doesn't have to be genital-focused orgasm, it can be anywhere on their body. >> jimmy: i've always said that. "sex, love and goop" is on netflix now.
11:55 pm
please welcome gwyneth paltrow. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: how are you doing? >> good. >> jimmy: you look great, i like that dress. is that a dress or a skirt? >> it's a dress. >> jimmy: i like the things you pick. i started subscribing to goop like right at the beginning, and everyone would make fun of me, bought i because -- because i would be, "on goop it said --" and i feel the world is following me. how long ago did you start the newsletter? >> i started in 2008. >> jimmy: and now it's blossomed to become a company, a website, a brand, a place where you can buy ivermectin? yes, no? [ laughter ] >> no, that you cannot do. >> jimmy: a religion to some. >> no, that neither. >> jimmy: yeah. i've been talking to some people. yeah, i think you could start a cult if you wanted to. >> really? that does not sound fun.
11:56 pm
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: it doesn't, yeah, no. that's more of a guy thing, starting a cult, i think. it's more fun for men. so you've been doing this, and now a couple of television shows have come from this. and one of them is this "sex, love, and goop." and this is -- which it sounds kind of gross when you put it next to sex and love. [ laughter ] to be honest with you. >> that's why we did it. >> jimmy: that's why you did it, okay. >> yeah. >> jimmy: i was watching this show over the weekend, and the woman we saw in the clip, the woman with the -- >> yeah, yeah. >> jimmy: now, she was laying on a -- you saw this one, i guess? >> i've seen it, yes. >> jimmy: she's laying on like a thing, right? [ laughter ] and then her husband comes out and he looks like a marvel comics villain from 1965, right? he's bald headed -- >> oh, yep. i know what you mean. >> jimmy: he starts waving his hands over her like this. like magic, like doctor strange or something. [ laughter ] >> yeah.
11:57 pm
>> jimmy: and she starts writhing and moaning, and he's like, fake air rubbing her here, and she's going crazy. then she's touching her here and pulling imaginary strings. [ laughter ] and she's going sexually crazy. >> yeah. >> jimmy: that's nonsense, right? [ laughter ] >> you know, actually, no, it's not. that's the amazing thing is that, i mean, energy is powerful. >> jimmy: have you tried that? >> umm, no, i have not. [ laughter ] but i am open to trying it. >> jimmy: yeah. >> with you. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: well, listen, i think i have the powers. i would even let that guy do it to me, just to see if anything was happening. [ laughter ] >> yeah, i would too. >> jimmy: can we phone him up and see if his magic powers can get me going? because that is something else. >> i bet they could. >> jimmy: you have like five couples and introduce them to various experts in the field of sex. >> yeah. >> jimmy: where do you get these people, craigslist? [ laughter ] how do you find them?
11:58 pm
>> yes, craigslist. umm, you know, yes, it's true that one of the focuses is sex. but it's also -- the show is really about intimacy, as well. people who have been in long-term, intimate relationships or even shorter intimate relationships, like things can come up really quickly that feel like disconnects or that keep you, you know, not quite telling yourself the whole truth. so we thought it would be interesting to make a show around this subject. because it's an area where whatever is out of alignment in your life it's going to show up in how you are with your partner. so these couples we found, it was through a casting process. they were so brave and amazing, and really willing to be incredibly vulnerable. >> jimmy: yeah. >> on tv, in order to try to get closer to themselves and their partners. so i was super impressed with them. i thought -- and you know, i've had so much amazing feedback from the show that it's helped so many people. it's helped couples have difficult conversations with each other.
11:59 pm
i had one friend who said they kept pausing it, like now we need to talk about this, we need to talk about that. >> jimmy: oh, really? >> i thanked the couples for coming forward and putting themselves on the line like that. >> jimmy: yeah, it really is interesting to watch people -- you have an older couple, and it's funny, because people think oh, well, they're old people. we like to imagine our parents aren't doing stuff. >> right. >> jimmy: but they probably are. >> they're randy. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and they're rolling around on the ground and then the -- they're looking at him and just kind of humping each other on the show. [ laughter ] and isn't that wonderful? >> you know, you make it sound so appealing. >> jimmy: i know, i ruin everything. >> really. >> jimmy: i know. what's this thing? this is a -- a scratcher or something? >> well, it can be used a couple of ways. in the show, the expert that you saw in the clip, she is talking about all the different kinds of touch, and she talks about
12:00 am
different sexual blueprints that certain people are turned on by different things. there's a kinky one, i think, that this goes with. she puts this wolverine claw down -- put your leg up here for me. >> jimmy: my leg? oh, all right. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> how's that? >> jimmy: uh-huh? um -- it's all right. [ laughter ] [ applause ] not as good as i was imagining. this is something like i would get into a pork shoulder with, you know? >> that's right. [ laughter ] if you buy a second one, you can hold a cookbook on it, you can toss salad with it. >> jimmy: a nice, giant salad together. >> yes, exactly. >> jimmy: so this show is, you -- i would imagine now that you do this like first run that people are going to come out of the woodwork with all kinds of strange stuff. you try this stuff out yourself? >> like some of the modalities in the show? >> jimmy: yeah.
12:01 am
>> i've tried, you know, a couple of them. i haven't done like energetic stuff or sexological body work, which is pretty wild. but i think i would be open to trying it. >> jimmy: do you feel like any situation where there's somebody sitting there telling a husband or wife to do something is going to be sexually exciting just in the first place, right? because you're not used to having a coach. >> i think you've been married a long time. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: well, it's hard to argue with that. we're going to take a break. you know i like to buy stuff for my wife from "goop." >> i know, thank you. >> jimmy: i figure if it's on there, it might be something that she likes. >> it will be. >> jimmy: so when we come back, we're going to go through your holiday -- because it's time to start getting stuff. we have ships full of junk that nobody can get the stuff in right now, so you have to order immediately. >> you want to start early this year. >> jimmy: start early this year,
12:02 am
we're going to start early with gwyneth paltrow right after this, we'll be right back. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ someday you'll catch the perfect wave. with an average of $550 worth of benefits to enjoy during your stay at fine hotels & resorts properties, "someday" can be any day you want. one of the many reasons you're with amex platinum. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ the ride of your life is closer than you think. for the first time ever, buy your new car entirely from home with nissan@home. delivered direct from dealer to driveway.
12:03 am
♪ expecting someone else? delivered direct from dealer to driveway. it's the all-idays, and no matter how you jingle, we've got your jammies. nice, nice. it's the naughty ones who make history. get 50% off your online purchase now - only at oldnavy.com ♪ ♪ what's going on...? jake from state farm! the perp just confessed. i think... i don't know. uh... what? oh, i can't afford streaming anymore. so... (shooing a pigeon that landed next to her) here we are. don't give up what you love. state farm has options to personalize your policies, so you get a rate that fits your budget. oh, that's great. (annoyed, to neighbor) cause subtitles would be nice! for surprisingly great rates that fit any budget... like a good neighbor, state farm is there. call or click to get a quote today.
12:04 am
12:05 am
there's this feeling we chase... state farm is there. like someone upped the brightness on the entire world. like your body is super-charged, but your mind is super calm. it feels like 20/20 vision for your whole being. and we'll chase this feeling, until we can feel it... one. more. time. feel the hydrow high.
12:06 am
12:07 am
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: kal penn is on the way. we are back with gwyneth paltrow. it's the time of year where you pick your most favorite items from goop, you sell them to people, especially to clueless husbands like myself. and you sell things like this. this is a vitamin -- >> it's a supplement. >> jimmy: it's called dtf. [ cheers and applause ] it stands for? we know from "jersey shore." >> right. >> jimmy: does this really work? >> yes. >> jimmy: you say yes in a very sure way. >> jimmy: what happens if a man eats them? >> should we find out? >> jimmy: well, yeah, i will take one. [ cheers and applause ] how many am i supposed to take? >> women are supposed to take two. >> jimmy: i'm going to take four and see what happens. [ laughter ]
12:08 am
all right. i hope nothing happens right away. >> oh, wow. [ laughter ] oh, my gosh! [ cheers and applause ] molly is in for it! >> jimmy: now, this is a -- this is kind of cute. this is a croissant. if you open it up -- you can put stuff in it. how does this work with sex? [ laughter ] >> that's just like a fun christmas present. >> jimmy: oh, you know what, that's a good place to keep your dtf pills, right in there. [ cheers and applause ] would you like a croissant? >> thank you. >> jimmy: this is something i've been seeing a lot and reading about. >> yes. >> jimmy: i wanted to try this, because these are like super -- what do they call these? happy strawberries or something? >> oishii strawberries. we don't sell these at goop, but we like to link to other fun
12:09 am
things that other people sell, too, as part of the curation process. these are apparently the most special strawberry in the whole world, and they're hydroponic. they're like, $50. >> jimmy: are they really? >> i think so. >> jimmy: holy moly, wow. these are good, they're really good. >> yeah. does anyone want one? [ cheers and applause ] let's give them out. >> jimmy: yeah, all right. pass things around. there you go. you take the whole thing. yeah, there you go. let me know if you get sexually excited. [ applause ] take the rest of these. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] and then we have -- oh, there you go. and then you mind if we eat the
12:10 am
rest of yours? they're $50 each. >> no, don't! >> jimmy: i hope you don't have covid, i really don't. [ laughter ] and then we have something that i've been seeing now. in fact, bill murray was wearing these on our show last week. guillermo is wearing them right now. >> oh. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: these are -- >> these are great. >> jimmy: what are they called? >> i forget the name of them, but they pump your legs, so if you have lactic acid in your leg, they fill with air and compress your leg. >> jimmy: how do they feel, guillermo? >> guillermo: real tight. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: real tight? >> guillermo: yeah. but they're very comfortable. >> jimmy: why is it -- is it supposed to be zipped all the way up? >> guillermo: yeah, but the belly doesn't let it. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: and then what do those do, exactly, for a person? >> so they compress your legs, so they help with circulation. if you work out, it will circulate the lactic acid out of
12:11 am
the muscle. good, very good for circulation. >> jimmy: yeah, i guess if you work out, so we're not going to nooid need either of those. [ laughter ] this is something you would buy for anyone? >> this is like if you have someone in your life who is very fit or into wellness or they're doing a lot of walking or hiking. >> jimmy: i see. they would put these on. and we would take a picture and ten years later make fun of them. [ laughter ] what happens if you and oprah have the same favorite thing? is there a fight? [ laughter ] >> i defer to oprah all the time. >> jimmy: you do. >> oh, yeah. >> jimmy: if she were to have something, you would back off and say that's -- >> if she asked me to, oh, yeah. >> jimmy: if she did, okay. you think oprah's got these? >> i don't know. but maybe i should send her some. >> jimmy: yes, please send oprah a pair of those. >> i think i should. >> jimmy: see what happens. >> i think that's a good idea. >> jimmy: it's very good to see you. thank you for the ideas. gwyneth paltrow, everybody. [ cheers and applause ] "sex, love and goop" on netflix. and goop.com. we'll be back with kal penn.
12:12 am
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪warped music playing on speakers♪ ugh, that's not good. ♪music becomes clear♪ [phone alert beep] come on, price alert. [phone alert beep] [phone alert beep] yes! ♪soul music starts playing on the speakers♪ ♪ best of my love by black pumas feat. sofia reyes ♪ at target, shopping has never been easier — use same day delivery, free order pickup, or free drive up, — and leave with your holidays in the bag. order today, get it today at target.
12:13 am
[end music] pringles original, barbecue, pizza. the barbecue pizza stack. (cheers) where is everyone? pringles, endless flavors to stack. welcome to allstate. where you can pay a little less and enjoy the ride a little more. ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ now, get new lower auto rates with allstate. because better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands with allstate. click or call for a lower auto rate today.
12:14 am
this holiday season, give your family the gift that keeps on... going? our very own energizer bunny! energizer ultimate lithium. [snowball splat and windshield wiper] the #1 longest-lasting aa battery. ♪ ♪ you are my fire ♪ ♪ the one desire ♪ ♪ you are, you are, ♪ ♪ don't wanna hear you say... ♪ ♪ ♪ i want it that way ♪ pain hits fast. so get relief fast. only tylenol rapid release gels have laser drilled holes. they release medicine fast for fast pain relief. and now get relief without a pill with tylenol dissolve packs.
12:15 am
relief without the water. ho ho ho! with tylenot again.ve packs. oh no. for the gifts you won't forget. the mercedes-benz winter event. get a credit toward your first month's payment on select models. this black friday, do you want a tv? or do you want. the place on the tv?
12:16 am
12:17 am
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: music from hardy is on the way. our next guest is a former white house staffer and either harold or kumar. they're still sorting it out. he now adds "author" to his resume with the new memoir "you can't be serious," please welcome kal penn. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
12:18 am
>> live audience. this is so nice. >> jimmy: it's nice to have them here. it really is. [ cheers and applause ] somebody put this book on my desk a couple days ago. i looked at it for a second and i thought it was me. >> we've gotten that before. we've both gotten this. >> jimmy: yeah, yeah. if i was more handsome and younger, this could potentially be me. [ laughter ] but it's not. i thought hey, i wrote a book. but yeah, no, i did not. you cover a lot in this book, including how that you got a job at the white house. >> yes. >> jimmy: which is very strange the way you went about doing this. >> yes. i applied -- i took the sabbatical, i was on the tv show "house." i applied after working on the obama campaign for a year and a half by putting my resume online on this website. the campaign sent out an email
12:19 am
saying, if you worked on the campaign, you want a job in the administration, fill out a form on change.gov. upload your relevance may. i did that, i didn't tell anybody. i told my acting manager. he's every character from the hbo show "entourage" in one person. [ laughter ] a very ridiculous person. heart of gold, also a lion. i told him, he's like, you going to take a sabbatical and work at the white house? if they call you? i said, yeah, this way i know i'll be qualified, if they call. of course, nobody called. months go by. and then i got invited to speak at the lincoln memorial. as part of the inaugural concert. one of the perks of which is backstage, you can bring your family and friends to meet the incoming first family. said hi to the president, introduced him to my parents, my manager. mrs. obama comes over and she says, hope you stay involved. and i said, yeah, definitely. i'm thinking she's saying this to everybody. and dan, my manager goes, you know he applied for a job, right? [ laughter ] she goes, what do you mean? would you apply for a job?
12:20 am
yeah, yeah, he applied for a job and nobody called him back. [ laughter ] and i'm like, yo, this is not the time to do this at all. and then she says, who did you apply with? and i said, well i applied on change.gov. as soon as those words came out of my mouth, i realized how ridiculous it was. >> jimmy: yeah. >> i looked at her face -- now everybody knows this after the fact. mrs. obama has a low threshold for b.s. she called the president over and said, tell him what you just told me. [ laughter ] and i was like, no, no -- well, sir, i applied for a job on change.gov. and he looked at me with some amusement. that led to basically, they want let's look into it if there's actually something that you are qualified to do. it turned out the three things i was working on -- outreach to young people, outreach to asian-americans and working with the arts community -- they were looking to fill with one job to deal with all those, so it worked out well. [ applause ] >> jimmy: have you ever thought
12:21 am
psychologically you applied online? and didn't follow up with a phone call? >> a, because i'm very stupid. but b, and this is the point of writing that chapter the book. obviously it feels a little salacious because everybody knows all the characters. but the point is, if you've worked at a company -- at that point i started on the obama campaign, 30 points down in the polls. if you work at a company with that has that kind of xponential growth and you want to keep working with them, you should have the respect and decency to tell your boss that. to them it looks almost disrespectful that maybe you don't want it. maybe you're not doing it. but i had this chip on my shoulder like, do they think i'm just going to apply because i'm an actor? but the reality is, for that administration -- >> jimmy: i would like to see that resume, too. "harold and kumar." >> yeah, yeah. line one, smoked a ton of weed with a fake president bush. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: somebody probably thought it was a joke. when it came in. >> the joke was -- this was not a joke, but when i had to do the fbi background check and asked
12:22 am
you, have you ever smoked weed, and under what circumstances? i'm like, literally two movies. [ laughter ] and they're trying to hide their smirks in the fbi interview. >> jimmy: you also talk about you are engaged to be married to josh, who is a man. >> yes. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: which is something that people did not know. >> yes. >> jimmy: when are you guys getting married? >> we got engaged almost three years ago. a chapter i love in the book, chapter 18 how we met over a conversation about nascar and beers. and then got engaged three years ago. because of covid, it's sort of on pause. but we will see. >> jimmy: before i show these tweets, tell us what led to this. >> so we were flying to l.a. for some book promotion stuff, and i noticed that cardi b was on the flight. so an early flight from new york. yo, cardi b, i have to go say hello. then promptly fell asleep. and had a dream that cardi officiated our wedding on the
12:23 am
plane itself. [ laughter ] then we held hands walking out of l.a.x., the three of us together. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: that's the first tweet. >> i tweeted this when i woke up. i didn't tag her because i thought it might be tacky. >> jimmy: but then? >> then she saw it. >> jimmy: she sees it. first wedding you say hi, second i'm licensed to do that so let me know. [ cheers and applause ] >> pretty great, right? >> jimmy: you respond, you're the best, was going to say hi, i didn't want to be respectful, your do not disturb light was on. >> look at the time code on this. josh was asleep when i sent this. i was in bed and i saw her tweet. i'm like, oh, man. i've got to wake him up. make sure it's okay to reply? no, executive decision. [ laughter ] cardi b says she's willing to marry you. she's wonderful. of course i'm going to say yes. >> jimmy: of course, no question about it. and josh, i assume, agreed. >> he's very understanding so he said, "oh, cool." [ laughter ] >> jimmy: and cardi b says i'm down, i'm get my suit. >> so cool. >> jimmy: now is she going to marry you guys? >> i hope so.
12:24 am
you know, yeah, we need to set a date. >> jimmy: yeah, that will be one thing you have to do, yeah. >> see what works for her schedule. >> jimmy: how will your family feel about cardi b marrying you? >> yeah, there's a -- if we do an indian wedding, they can be ten days long. >> jimmy: oh, wow. >> i would imagine if she's got the time in her schedule, it will be the day that she officiates, and nine days of aunties asking her about her lyrics. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: will she have to stay for the whole ten days? >> no, it's very fluid. indian weddings can be very -- >> jimmy: is there a moment, though, at which the person does the, do you take this kind of stuff? >> yeah, a couple of ceremonies like that. >> jimmy: a couple? >> but there's also -- look -- >> jimmy: why are you making this so hard for cardi b? i feel you're doing the same thing you did when you applied for the job in the obama administration. >> let me be clear, we need ten minutes of her time. >> jimmy: that's how you book cardi b, tell her it's ten minutes -- >> and she can stay for two weeks. >> jimmy: she could be five days
12:25 am
late and still marry you guys. >> that's correct. >> jimmy: no problem, right? >> no issue with that. >> jimmy: oh my god, this would be incredible. that's about -- that would be amazing to have her do that. >> yeah, she's wonderful. i'd be super down. >> jimmy: i feel like you're still only half. guillermo is popping over there, by the way. [ laughter ] something bad is happening over there. >> i wasn't sure if you were still wearing those. >> guillermo: yes. yeah, i think it's going to break in a minute. >> jimmy: it's about to explode. it's very good to see you, kal. >> you too. >> jimmy: this is the book called "you can't be serious." kal penn, his interesting life is available now. we'll be back with music from hardy. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
12:26 am
this season is too big for just red and green. it's the all-idays, and we're bringing alla the color. ooooh, this is lit! what's up snow people! get 50% off your online purchase now - only at oldnavy.com (vo) subaru and our retailers believe in giving back. that's why, in difficult times, we provided one hundred and fifty million meals to feeding america. and now through the subaru share the love event, we're helping even more. by the end of this year, subaru will have donated over two hundred and twenty five million dollars to charity. this is what it means to be more than a car company. this is what it means to be subaru. woman: i have moderate to severe plaque psoriasis. now, there's skyrizi. with skyrizi, 3 out of 4 people achieved 90% clearer skin at 4 months
12:27 am
after just two doses. skyrizi may increase your risk of infections and lower your ability to fight them. before treatment, your doctor should check you for infections and tuberculosis. tell your doctor if you have an infection or symptoms, such as fevers, sweats, chills, muscle aches, or coughs or if you plan to or recently received a vaccine. ♪ nothing is everything. ♪ woman: talk to your dermatologist about skyrizi. learn how abbvie could help you save. the airport can be a real challenge for new homeowners who have become their parents... okay, everybody, let's do a ticket check. paper tickets. we're off to a horrible start. ...but we can overcome it. we're not gonna point out our houses, landmarks, or major highways during takeoff. don't buy anything. i packed so many delicious snacks. -they're -- -nope. would you say, ballpark, when group two is gonna get boarded? 2 hours and 58 minutes. progressive can't protect you from becoming your parents, but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. someone should've left home earlier. shop kohl's cyber deal days! but we can protect your home and auto when you bundle with us. and, take an extra 20% off! get 20-40% off air fryers.
12:28 am
save on shark vacuums. get 25% off koolaburra boots and slippers! and, get free store pick up. shop cyber deal days at kohl's and kohl's.com. ♪ can i get ten large fries please? i'm gonna need like ten egg mcmuffin sandwich things? night, or the next morning, you've been loyal. mymcdonald's rewards is for you. now, every order earns points redeemable for free mcdonald's. (kate) this black friday, verizon is doing it better. a lot better. because right now, you can get iphone 13 pro on us. just bring in your old or damaged phone and we'll give you the phone everybody wants on america's most reliable network. on any unlimited plan. better? better. and everyone gets up to $800 off when they switch. okay, everyone say betteeeer. (all) betteeeer! (kate) black friday better with verizon. because everyone, everyone, everyone deserves better. shop online, in store, or call today.
12:29 am
♪ i see trees of green ♪ because everyone, everyone, everyone deserves better. ♪ red roses too ♪ ♪ i see them bloom for me and you ♪ (music)
12:30 am
♪ oh what a wonderful world ♪ ♪ so i think to myself ♪ >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: we got smoke and everything. this is his album, it's called "a rock." here with the song "give heaven some hell," hardy! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ ♪
12:31 am
♪ c't tt u t me inuiand iad to take a pull so i wouldn't cry ♪ ♪ you got a line out the church door saying goodbye ♪ ♪ yeah i believe 'em when they say you're in a better place ♪ ♪ you had a wild side but you had amazing grace ♪ ♪ i know you're way off up in them clouds but if you can still hear me right now ♪ ♪ i hope you hit those gold streets on two wheels ♪ ♪ i hope your mansion in the sky's got a ten-acre field ♪ ♪ with some mud and some hubs you can lock in ♪ ♪ make some thunder make them wonder how you got in ♪ ♪ hide your beer hide your clear from the man upstairs ♪ ♪ crank it loud hold it down til i get there ♪ ♪ and when i do i hope you got some new stories to tell ♪
12:32 am
♪ til then give heaven some hell ♪ ♪ i bet you're looking for a crew like we had bunch of noise-makin' boys that like to live fast ♪ ♪ burning rubber in a parking lot ♪ ♪ man i don't know if the other side's ready or not but ♪ ♪ i hope you hit those gold streets on two wheels ♪ ♪ i hope your mansion in the sky's got a ten-acre field ♪ ♪ with some mud and some hubs you can lock in ♪ ♪ make some thunder make 'em wonder how you got in ♪ ♪ hide your beer hide your clear from the man upstairs ♪
12:33 am
♪ crank it loud hold it down til i get there ♪ ♪ and when i do i hope you got some new stories to tell ♪ ♪ til then give heaven some hell ♪ ♪ i was there when you raised your hand heads bowed singing just as i am ♪ ♪ walking that aisle praying that prayer man it ain't right but if you gotta be there ♪ ♪ i hope you hit those gold streets on two wheels ♪ ♪ hope your mansion in the sky's got a ten-acre field ♪ ♪ with some mud and some hubs you can lock in ♪ ♪ make some thunder make them wonder how you got in ♪ ♪ hide your beer hide your clear from the man upstairs ♪ ♪ crank it loud hold it down until i get there ♪ ♪ and when i do i hope you got some new stories to tell ♪ ♪ til then give heaven some hell ♪ ♪ i was there when you raised
12:34 am
your hand heads bowed singing just as i am ♪ ♪ man it ain't right man it ain't fair i'll see you again ♪ ♪ but til then give heaven some hell ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. someday you'll catch the perfect wave. with an average of $550 worth of benefits to enjoy during your stay at fine hotels & resorts properties, "someday" can be any day you want. one of the many reasons you're with amex platinum.
12:35 am
12:36 am
>> jimmy: i want to thank gwyneth paltrow, kal penn, and these guys, thanks, hardy, for being here and bringing all the smoke. we haven't had it in quite some time. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, jamie dornan and jessica williams with music from dustin lynch and mackenzie porter. "nightline" is next. thanks for watching, goodnight.
12:37 am
tonight, 13 children held captive by their parents. >> my two little sisters right now are chained up. >> diane sawyer's interview with the operative sister that risked it all to save her siblings. >> i don't know how you had the courage. >> i just felt like i had to do it. >> the moment when officers first found the children. >> we're here to help you, okay? >> and what the siblings want you to know today. >> i want the last name turpin to be remembered as a name of strength. >> this special edition of "nightline," "escape from a house of horror," will be right back. press start and consider the job finished. finish quantum's three-chamber detergent works with bosch's precisionwash technology

124 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on