Skip to main content

tv   Jimmy Kimmel Live  ABC  July 2, 2021 11:35pm-12:36am PDT

11:35 pm
have a happy fourth of july! >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight, quentin tarantino, iliza shlesinger, and music from lukas nelson & promise of the real. and now, jimmy kimmel! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: hi, everyone. hey, hey. oh, that's very nice, thank you. hi. look at this. it's people again. aww, appreciate that. i'm jimmy. i'm the host. thank you. i know. it's been a long time. that's very nice. please sit, relax, relax. that's nice. this is our second night with a half-full -- is this audience half-full or half-empty? [ laughter ] i guess that depends on how you
11:36 pm
look at life, really. we have 89 vaccinated people in our studio audience. [ cheers and applause ] it's weird having half an audience. it's like thanos snapped his fingers and killed the rest of you. [ laughter ] speaking of thanos, we got an interesting bit of tid this morning, about the former president of the united states. the orange one. you remember him? [ laughter ] the daily beast says that, in 2019, donald trump wanted the government to investigate, guess who, guillermo? me. >> guillermo: you? why, why? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: look at this, "according to two people familiar with the matter, trump asked advisers and lawyers in early 2019 about what the federal communications commission, the courts systems, and most confusingly to some trump lieutenants, the department of justice could do to probe or mitigate snl, jimmy kimmel, and other late night comedy mischief makers." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
11:37 pm
i'm glad you're excited about it, i don't know. i don't want them probing me. can you imagine that? president snowflake asked to send the authorities in to stop us from making fun of him. not ono keillermpafor the wallhr guillermo: no trump's inquiries into what federal regulations could be used to bust the likes of kimmel and snl was more of a nuisance than a constitutional crisis." to me it feels more like a crisis than a nuisance, i don't know. [ laughter ] little did i know, i'm up here goofing on him, he's asking the feds to do who knows what. and when he was told there was no legal case to be made that you can't stop comedians from making fun of you when your president -- [ laughter ] trump asked, can something else be done about it? basically, trump wanted to turn the department of justice into -- remember on the old "batman" show, when the penguin had those henchmen in the bowler hats and tight black shirts? [ laughter ] this is what trump wanted.
11:38 pm
a goon squad. a bunch of tough guys to go rough people up. because he can't take a joke. he can make one. in fact, he's made several, eric, ivanka, don jr. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] he cannot take a joke. and by the way, this happened near the beginning of the year, right around the time he had a summit with kim jong-un. maybe he got the idea from him! i could be dog food right now. [ laughter ] i'd be like, "alec baldwin is the one you want!" [ laughter ] he dressed up at you! just about ten minutes ago before the show, they released the statement, trump did, that said the story i asked the department of justice to go after ratings challenge with "saturday night live" and other late-night losers is total fake news. he goes on to insult alec baldwin. with all that being said, however, i do believe the 100% one-sided shows should be considered an illegal campaign contribution from the democrat
11:39 pm
party. [ laughter ] what do you think, guillermo? do you think he said it or ger urse he di p.f ma sd u a hoodie you still a xxxl? [ laughter and applause ] i don't know how he released statements any more because he's banned from twitter, facebook, instagram, they kicked him off. he still has a phone and a bunch of fox news wannabes that don't screen his calls. trump dialed into the real america voice news network, never heard of it either. [ laughter ] and you're not gonna believe this, turns out, he's still running for president. >> headlines were about you said we didn't win, is that an accurate headline, did you admit defeat? i just want to understand that. >> no, i never admitted defeat. we have a lot of things happening right now. i think that was an election that was -- i don't think, all you have to do is read the newspapers and see what's coming out now.
11:40 pm
no, i'd never -- the word is concede, i have not conceded. >> jimmy: i am conceited, but i have not conceded. [ laughter ] he definitely doesn't give up! we also learned today, that between march of last year and march of this year, 881 secret service employees tested positive for covid. gee, i wonder where they got it? here in the u.s., more than 45% of the population is fully vaccinated which is not enough, and that's mostly thanks to young people. according to the cdc, 18 to 24-year-olds are the age group least likely to get vaccinated and most unsure about getting a shot. because they read nothing but crap on tiktok. i guess. [ laughter ] i get that, 18 to 24-year-olds, when you're that age you think you're invincible. but we're talking about the same generation that can't have peanut butter and jelly in their lunchbox, okay? they are definitely not invincible. [ laughter ] &tveryheom line is we ar reasa p ofhe most mmonly mis and we had a new top dog this year. "quarantine."
11:41 pm
which is often spelled as "corn teen." [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] remember "the children of the corn"? that's what happens when they hit puberty. some of the other top ones, "coronavirus," "believe," "which." people have a problem spelling. and this should come as no surprise, florida's is, by far, the weirdest. in florida, they most consistently misspell the word, "pharaoh." who is even googling pharaoh, that's got to be trump googling, "how do i become an egyptian god?" [ laughter and applause ] i actually looked it up. turns out florida is infested with an insect called the "pharaoh ant." these are invasive ants that, every time you spray them, the colony splits, and doubles, one nest becomes two nests. two nests become four nests. in other words, yet another charming reason to go to florida. [ laughter ] what i don't understand is, how is the most misspelled word in
11:42 pm
every state not "diarrhea?" [ laughter ] between "diarrhea" and all rit.h," forget about it. noww-up s for you tod othsh a few weeks ago. there is a marijuana delivery company here in l.a. that is looking for an intern to test out their products. they have a lot of products and wanted somebody to test them and write a description of them. they said they were looking for interns to smoke or eat everything they have, and then come up with a little review of each. which for a lot of people is a dream job, and which immediately made me think of a guy we happened upon at the opening of a cannabis dispensary in michigan in january of last year. >> i'm frederick miller. f-r-e-d-e-r-i-c-k -- and then m-i-l-l-e-r. did you say spell it? oh, okay. we're just waiting on the dispensary see what they got. i was hoping like a willy wonka thing, you know.
11:43 pm
somebody come out, doing tricks, but so far it's just cold. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: it's got what they call "it." i thought freddie would be a very good fit for this job so i decided to play marijuana matchmaker. ede to l. r an with the ceo of >>ow you doing? >> how are you? chris. >> nice to meet you. >> great to meet you too. >> you guys did something very clever, you really got our attention with this job posting. >> thank you. >> let me read some of it. this paid three-month internship is a cannabis aficionado's dream come true. we're seeking a passionate, detail-oriented creative writer to review every single product on our weed plidelivery platfor mj. creativity and passion for cannabis is a must. how many applications did you get for this? >> we're at 1100 so far. >> you would have to hire somebody just to go through
11:44 pm
they'd, i would think. >> you're correct, video submissions and write-ins, it's been bigger than expected. >> i know you got a lot of candidates but i feel like i got a guy for you. i mean, this guy -- he's passionate and creative. he's baked out of his mind. would you like to meet him? >> would love to meet him. >> freddie. >> cool. hello! >> hey, buddy. >> really appreciate it. >> nice to meet you, how are you? >> this is chris. >> excellent. >> this might be your new boss, have a seat, guys. >> cool. >> so is it rare that you have an intermediary when you're interviewing an employee? >> yes. >> okay. tell him a little bit about yourself, freddie. >> i currently work at a dispensary now, from the middle of nowhere in indiana. >> this is his first time on a plane. >> i love it. >> what did you think of the plane? >> planes? they're really cool. i like the takeoff because they
11:45 pm
do go straight up. >> we've been on them. you've been on one, right, chris? >> i have, yeah. >> so this is basically a writing job, right, and a testing job. >> it is. >> so what could you ask somebody for this job? >> part of this role is trying the products and accurately writing descriptions about how it made you feel, how it will make our customers feel. they'll read those descriptions and a lot of purchases would be based on your writing. >> maybe you should try one of these products and give it a mini review to give you a sense of his writing and creativity. >> sure. >> let's see. we can't actually show you smoking because this is television. so why don't i -- i'll hold hol the funnyuns while you smoke. so give us a summary of desert gold. >> summary. okay. picture yourself on an airplane
11:46 pm
on your way to hollywood, california. you've never been there before. flying over, the landscape changed, midwest totally flat, boring, lots of farms, pretty up close, boring from up 50,000 feet. now, okay, then suddenly the deserts and it looks like the moon landing and you're like, wow, you're thinking something else. was the moon landing fake? or was it just shot in california? >> very uplifting, buddy. >> uplifting. >> creative thoughts. >> that's the type of description we go for to be honest. >> hey, this is delicious, i see why you named it berries. >> it's good. >> when did you start up in california? >> we started up in mid-2019, we launched in -- >> that's funny. >> we really got going in january 2020. >> what do you think of cloud berry, freddie? give us your review. >> first of all, i love mixed berry. >> good, okay. >> i definitely noticedheood
11:47 pm
switched. yoot ser ihi it'she cloud berry, >> me to >> well, hey, i have a serious question though, when did you start business down here? >> he just told you. >> i forgot. i'm being serious now. >> we just got a review of the product, it works. >> serious. >> as far as the cloud berry goes, your job would be to write your review of it. how would you describe it? >> well, cloud berries, man, you nailed it, it feels like i'm on a plane again except this time on not on the plane, i'm on the cloud looking at the plane go by. >> oh. i like it. >> maybe i'm drifting all the way out to hollywood. >> i think it's pretty good, right? >> pretty good. >> i could focus but that's my elevator pitch. >> i love it. one the biggest thing people ask us for is legitimate reviews of effects. a lot of companies say it does
11:48 pm
x, y, z. we're trying to get the writers to really communicate how it affects them because we hear that's a much more reliable source. >> you've never heard anything more creative than that, have you? do you have a resume or anything like that? >> man, glad you asked. >> oh, you do, okay, great. oh, look at this, a handwritten resume. >> there you go. this is good stuff. this looks like a drawing of a monkey and a pig. here's his resume. >> i love it, freddie. you know, we got way more submissions than we thought we would so we expanded the internship from one seat to three seats. >> wow. wait, there's only three people out of 1100 or so that are going to qualify? >> that's right. >> so what do you think, chris? is this something you have to think about? >> like i said, i think the biggest thing we're going for is can you communicate effects in a fun and ce wa i thk you check both those we'd lov o of ththree seats.
11:49 pm
[ cheers and applause ] >> for real? >> for real. >> one thing you have to do first, you have to fail a drug can you do that? >> wow. failed. >> this is great, you guys want to shake hands or anything to make a deal? >> i'm all sweaty. >> sweaty freddie. >> wow, guys, i'm just happy to be part of this. thank you, chris. thank you, freddie, for bringing so much joy into our lives. >> thank you, buddy. >> all right, sir. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: we've got a good show for you tonight. iliza shlesinger is here. we have music from lukas nelson & promise of the real. and we'll be right back with quentin tarantino. welcome to allstate. ♪ ♪
11:50 pm
you already pay for car insurance, why not take your home along for the ride? allstate. here, better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands. click or call to bundle today. oh wowzers, what a special family! special like my fudge stripes. made with real original keebler fudge. only elves can make cookies this good! keebler® - made with magic, loved by families™. i've never slept like this before. we gave new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep keebler® - made with magic, to people who were tired of being tired. what is even in this? clinically-studied plant based ingredients passion flower,
11:51 pm
valerian root, and hops. new zzzquil pure zzzs restorative herbal sleep. mr. clark, your daughter is a very good kisser. when you crave the uncomfortable, try spicy pringles scorchin'. [forecast weather] ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ rush hour will never feel the same. experience thrilling performance from our entire line of vehicles at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. experience amazing at your lexus dealer.
11:52 pm
♪ ♪ at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. ♪ in the sunshine ♪ [ can crack ] ♪ everybody loves the sunshine ♪ we do it every night. every night. do it. run your dishwasher every night with cascade platinum to save water & energy. did you know an energy star certified dishwasher uses less than 4 gallons of water per cycle while a running sink uses that every 2 minutes? even better, it's proven you can also save up to $130 dollars per year on your energy bill. so do it every night with cascade platinum. the surprising way to save water & energy.
11:53 pm
11:54 pm
[ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: hi, welcome back. tonight, from the new movie "good on paper" on netflix, iliza shlesinger is here. [ cheers and applause ] then later, from right here in los angeles, their new album is called "a few stars apart," music from lukas nelson & promise of the real. [ cheers and applause ] tomorrow night, billy crystal will be with us and emma corrin with music from seventeen. and thursday, chris pratt and michael cohen, with the isley brothers & snoop dogg. [ cheers and applause ] our first guest tonight is responsible for many great movies, "pulp fiction," "reservoir dogs," "inglourious basterds" and one that made the rare leap from movie to book, "once upon a time in hollywood: a novel" goes on sale tuesday. please welcome quentin tarantino. [ cheers and applause ] ♪
11:55 pm
>> jimmy: very weird -- >> great to see you! the thing you were doing with the audience, i noticed the cool guy in the "once upon a time in hollywood" shirt, thanks a lot, guys. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: i gotta tell you, more than anyone when you are on the show your fans come out. they have a big connection to you. >> that's a really nice thing to say. >> jimmy: it's true. >> it's really neat, so everybody who came here to see me. [ cheers and applause ] much respect. >> jimmy: and you're not around here much because you moved to israel, right? >> yeah, i did. i moved to tel aviv. the idea was that we'd spend
11:56 pm
three to four months in tel aviv and three to four months in los angeles, and then covid hit. >> jimmy: right. >> so three to four months became nine, 12 months in tel av aviv.: eyout pretty q oth ri >> look, i would have rather not have been out of my own country against my will for a year. >> jimmy: right. >> however, if i'm going to be in another country, the country that handled covid the best that's probably the best country to be in. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: you landed under a lucky star. especially since you have a baby now, which is exciting. [ cheers and applause ] >> yeah. >> jimmy: a toddler i guess probably. >> yeah he's 15 months old. >> jimmy: your son, leo. >> yeah. >> jimmy: does everyone think you named him after leo dicaprio. >> we almost didn't name him because people would assume that i named him after leonardo dicaprio. no, he's named after -- nothing wrong with that. [ laughter ] but i didn't. he's named after my wife's
11:57 pm
grandfather, but also because just in our hearts he was our little lion. he's a lion. that's how we thought about him. >> jimmy: he's what, 16 -- >> 15, 16 months, yeah. >> jimmy: is he talking yet? >> he's talking, but not necessarily words. [ laughter ] he makes himself understood. he can only say one word and that is abba, which is the hebrew word for dada. >> jimmy: that's a good one. [ applause ] >> and a third of the time he means me. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: how soon before that kid's saying the f-word? i mean, it can't be long, right? [ laughter ] >> well, as soon as possible. >> jimmy: are you learning to speak hebrew while you're over there? >> i learned a lot of words, but not enough to carry on a conversation or to string anything but a functionary sentence together. but i'm learning a lot with leo. because he watches these baby tv
11:58 pm
kind of things, and it's all in hebrew. so i'm learning with him things, you know. you know. cat is catul. horse is sus. the hebrew "sesame street" version of hebrew. [ laughter ] [ applause ] >> jimmy: you come up with the most creative stuff. because i remember these kind of books so well. >> at the right age. >> jimmy: from 25 years ago. i remember the smell of them. i really do. >> they were in the 7-eleven next to the comic book spinner rack, there was the paperback spinner rack. it had horror novels, crime novels, romance novels, and movie novelizations. >> jimmy: so the movie would come out, it would be popular, they'd write it up, put it in the stores -- >> usually -- one of the things that made them interesting is they coincided with the release of the movie. it was more of a promotional tie
11:59 pm
in. but they'd hire an author to do and it give him the shooting draft the script. so they would do it, but then crap would happen and the script would change and the actor would change, this or that would change. but the novel was still the shooting draft of the script. all of a sudden, whoa, what's this? who's this character? what's going on? >> jimmy: you would read these? >> of course. they were my first adult novels. >> jimmy: they had ads in the back for other novelizations. you used to see that all the time. soon to be a major motion picture, and that never happened. >> the back of paperbacks always had four pages that were just ads for other novels and the whole idea, my pretext is is a novelization printed in 1978. so we wanted to have it look and feel like that. so those are actually books that are on the harper catalog that you could get in 1978. >> jimmy: wonder if you can get
12:00 am
them now. >> you can definitely get them now. we didn't put anything -- well, okay. "ride along bronc" is phoney because that's the book rick reads in the movie. >> jimmy: right. okay. which ones do you remember reading as a young man? >> i read a lot. i read movie novelizations for movies i never saw. for instance, i didn't see seven ago.d maude"ut >> jimmy: really? >> but i novelization. >> jimmy: wow. >> in the '70s. >> jimmy: and that's one of the best movies ever. >> the novelization was written by the screnwriter, colin higgins. but you know, "the owen" was one of the biggest horror novel best-sellers of all time. >> jimmy: right. >> i mean, it was a smash. it was such a big seller most people thought "the omen" was based on a book, but it was a novelization. >> jimmy: oh. i was one of those people. [ laughter ] i remember seeing the book all the time.
12:01 am
>> david job. actually, you read it, you could tell he's killing himself to write a great novel in the first half. and you can tell he ran out of time. he starts novelizing his screenplay in the second half. the novizn he mop movie "orca." >> jimmy: oh, right. >> which is the "jaws" rip-off of the killer whale. the novelization was written by adam herzog. he wrote a fantastic novelization. he followed the story almost exactly but completely changes the characters. they all do more or less the same plot functions but they're different. the lead character isn't richard harris,s ish rich, it's terrific. here's the thing about "orca." when it comes to judging "orca" versus "jaws," i think "orca" is
12:02 am
a very good movie, really good. i think "jaws" may be possibly the greatest movie ever made. >> jimmy: right, right. >> but arthur herzog's novel of "orca" is much better than peter benchly's novel for "jaws." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: "orca" wins on one count in the bookstore. >> obviously i'm hoping in tv land, sales will spike for "once upon a time in hollywood" when it comes out. however, i'm also hoping that back sales for "orca," because of this appearance, will spike. [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: quentin tarantino is here. we'll be right back. zer in the , did you know, the best time for skin renewal is at night? add olay retinol24 to your nighttime skincare routine. it combines hydrating moisturizers with powerful retinoids to renew millions of surface skin cells while you sleep. plus, it hydrates better than a $100 retinol cream.
12:03 am
u smoother, gelookinsk plus, it hydrates better thathlay retinol24. cream. learn more at this has been medifacts for olay. come in for superfoods, leave feeling mighty. what we value most, shouldn't cost more. for 175 years, new york life has been helping people act on their love. okay? so they can look back, and say, "we did good". this is what freedom sounds like. and this. this is what freedom smells like.
12:04 am
ahhh, efebreze car. of open-road freshnela, la, la, la, la two drums, two breasts, two thighs, two wings, with one heapin helpin of mac and cheese, one large fry, and four flakey biscuits. that's one delicious mouthful. a great way to feed the whole family! order ahead on the kfc app! it's finger lickin' good.
12:05 am
12:06 am
order ahead on the kfc app! all of this started when we discovered the benefits of local, raw honey for our family. and then we said "hey, you know what?st. to help us get going, we got the chase business complete banking ℠ account. it's more than a bank account. it comes with quickaccept, which lets us take card payments anytime, anywhere, and get same-day deposits at no extra cost. it's more than honey. it's about building something for our family that will endure.
12:07 am
>> jimmy: there we go, we've got an audience we've got quentin tarantino, he's got a new book, a novelization of "once upon a time in hollywood." quentin, with your son, do you have a movie in mind that's going to be the first movie you show him? >> "taxi driver." [ laughter ]
12:08 am
[ applause ] >> jimmy: wait until he's at least 4. we were talking about the video show you worked at in manhattan beach. >> video archives. >> jimmy: many good stories about that. it's now a gamestop did you know that? >> i did know, i'm not into video games, i'm a generation removed from that. however, the fact that it's in the same wheelhouse, as opposed to a pottery barn, makes me feel good. >> jimmy: so you obviously spend a lot of time with a lot of vhs tapes. we thought it would be fun to give you a quiz. i'd like to read the description on the back of the vhs tapes. i promise you, we've given you no indication, i don't know how you'd do this. this would be impossible to me. if you mind putting on that blindfold. i will read these aloud. >> messing up my hair. you kow i work on my hair all week long! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: and you hit it.
12:09 am
all right. here we go. all right. first one. three middle-age daddies visit california to have a marvelous time at at beach when they learn a nice apartment and expensive cabriolet isn't enough to score with the chicks. they employ a student to help them. at first he's as disgusted with them and his job as his girlfriend, but he learns to work it to his benefit. >> three middle-aged daddies? >> jimmy: i don't know why they say daddies. i think it's meant in that hip kind of way. >> okay. i don't know. i'm going to take a guess. "student bodies"? >> jimmy: you're really close. the answer was, you want to take a peek? "hard bodies." >> oh, that completely through me off, daddies, they're not daddies at all. i'm thinking ted danson or somebody like that. that movie stars a guy named grant kramer and a gal named
12:10 am
crystal nadine shaw who was in the first thing i ever did called "my best friend's birthday." >> jimmy: oh, this is her? >> that was such a bad description! [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: all right, next one. here we go. robbie and his four college classmates decide to move a board game into local legendary cavern. robby starts having visions for real, and the line between reality and fantasy fuse into a harrowing adventure and engrossing suspensor. if you need a little hint, i will give you one. >> give me a hint. >> jimmy: the star of this film went on to win two academy awards. >> i give up. >> jimmy: the answer is -- you want to take a look? tom hanks in "mazes and monsters." >> oh. >> jimmy: you know that one? >> yeah, yeah, tv movie. >> jimmy: was it? >> yes, chris makepeace is in it as well. >> jimmy: you're right. [ laughter ] he is.
12:11 am
he sure is. all right. well, this is a good-looking cover. a freakish army experiment out of control terrorizes a resort tonmmit h ravy terror, horrible mangled bodies littering the countryside, the ensuing investigation leads a puzzled sheriff to a local university and a fantastic terrible secret. it seems the killers ar renegade horde of rottweilers. if you don't know it by then, i don't think you're going to get this one. [ laughter ] >> okay. there's quite a few killer dog movies, all right? but i'm going to say it's the earl ozenby film "rottweiler." >> jimmy: take a look, it is "dogs of hell." >> let me see that for a second. >> jimmy: yeah, you can have that. [ laughter ] >> who directed that?
12:12 am
>> jimmy: nobody directed that. >> i'm right, the original title is "rottweilers." [ cheers and applause ] that's the cheapie video title. >>th oh my god. >> in 3d. >> jimmy: unbelievable. [ laughter ] >> i was right. >> jimmy: do you want to do one more? >> yeah. >> jimmy: all right. wow. [ cheers and applause ] >> i have been deflated by this. thank god i had a victory. >> jimmy: here we go. it's halloween eve, four college friends plot to kidnap the wife of a wealthy friend at a costume party. their identities and motives masked behind clown costumes, the four soon slip from comedy into deadly seriousness. by night's end what started as a joke has become a terrifying nightmare. >> wow. >> jimmy: one of the stars is one of the great comedy stars from the '80s. >> oh, from the '80s? >> jimmy: yes, in fact, he was on sctv. >> john candy? >> jimmy: his name is john
12:13 am
candy. and his movie? >> that's got to be -- was he -- was it during the time he was famous? or is it an older film? >> jimmy: well, it does list "splash" and "sctv" as his credits but it looks like he did this one before. >> that makes sense. "the clown murders." [ cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that is absolutely right! unbelievable. [ cheers and applause ] all right, there it is. "once upon a time in hollywood," a novel. it comes out tuesday. quentin tarantino, everybody!
12:14 am
i'm david collado president and co-owner of happy howie's dog treats. we make all natural dog treats and we're growing really fast. so fast, we were maxing out production. that's why i chose the spark cash card from capital one. cause i earn unlimited 2% cash back on everything i buy. last year i redeemed $21,000 in cash back... seriously, $21,000.
12:15 am
which i used for new equipment, so we can feed even more dogs. thanks to my spark card, we're in over 4,000 stores across the country. what's in your wallet? banana boat sunscreen we're in over 4,000 stores is all about protecting the fun on earth. from making a splash fun... to exploring the worldun su riendbanana boat sunscreen to exploring the worldun lasts as long as the fun does. does scrubbing feel like a workout? scrub less with dawn platinum. its superior formula breaks down and removes
12:16 am
up to 99% of tough grease and food residue faster. so you scrub less. tackle grease wherever it shows up. scrub less. save more. with dawn. so with your home & auto bundle, you'll save money and get round-the-clock protection. -sounds great. -sure does. shouldn't something, you know, wacky be happening right now? we thought people could use a break. we've all been through a lot this year. -that makes sense. -yeah. so... ♪ now's not a good time 3/5ths of nsync. are you sure? you have us booked all day. -read the room, guys. -yeah. right? ♪ -read the room, guys. -yeah. i thought i was managing my moderate to severe crohn's disease. then i realized something was missing... my symptoms were keeping me from being there for her. so, i talked to my doctor and learned humira is the #1 prescribed biologic for people with crohn's disease.
12:17 am
the majority of people on humira saw significant symptom relief in as little as 4 weeks. and many achieved remission that can last. humira can lower your ability to fight infections. serious and sometimes fatal infections, including tuberculosis, and cancers, including lymphoma, have happened, as have blood, liver, and nervous system problems, serious allergic reactions, and new or worsening heart failure. tell your doctor if you've been to areas where certain fungal infections are common and if you've had tb, hepatitis b, are prone to infections, or have flu-like symptoms or sores. don't start humira if you have an infection. be there for you, and them. ask your gastroenterologist about humira. with humira, remission is possible. ♪
12:18 am
12:19 am
>> jimmy: our next guest is a very funny person with four standup specials, two movies, and one sketch show on netflix. in mere hours, she adds a third movie to her netflix queue. the mostly true story "good on paper," please welcome iliza shlesinger. [ cheers and applause ] ♪ >> jimmy: very good to see you. >> good to see you. >> jimmy: did you meet quentin tarantino? >> i did not meet him. i did not. >> jimmy: i wish you met him.
12:20 am
>> we've almost met before. >> jimmy: almost met? where did you almost meet? >> quentin -- i was a p.a. on a lisa marie presley music video. >> jimmy: really? >> it was called "dirty laundry." i was 22. he was in the music video. >> jimmy: wow. >> i was operating a fan trying to avoid doing my job but i saw him. so i'm basically one of his muses. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: was it one of those hand fans for lisa marie's hair? >> yeah, so she would look beautiful. >> jimmy: so she came up with that before beyoncé. >> she did, it's a big point of contention between the two of them. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: by the way, i really enjoyed your movie. >> thank you. >> jimmy: i feel quentin would enjoy it too. i know it says right at the beginning, based on a mostly true story. i don't want to say too much, but this is a crazy story. >> yes. >> jimmy: and it really happened to you and for fear of ruining anything i'm going to let you tell the story as it appears, in
12:21 am
life or on film, however you want to describe it. >> okay. i wish i had a flashlight. [ laughter ] this is a mostly true story based on a lie. this is the true story i was flying from the east to west coast on a plane, a guy sat next to me, as you do, we started talking.phe was around my age. he was smart and funny but not hot. and so -- [ laughter ] i was like, okay, well, this is a nice conversation and we exchanged twitter handles, this was 2015. became friends. over the course of the year became really close friends. then about a year in we started dating. we dated about three months. and i found out every single thing he said to me was a lie from the day i met him on the plane.he first two-thirds were true and ala "once upon a time in hollywood," if you're still in the building, we have a sort of revisionist fantasy horrific twist ending. >> jimmy: so i have a number of questions.
12:22 am
in the film, margaret played your friend, she's funny. was she your friend in the situation, investigating these lies? >> no, margaret cho was not on the case. margaret is a combination of three women, one of whom is my best friend, who is queer. among many reasons i picked margaret, that was great for me. and my mother actually led the charge. she's like this new yorker. she's like, something's not right. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: she didn't believe he was who he said he was? >> she did not, she didn't think about it when we were just friends but little things set off alarms in her ear. he told me he went to yale. my cousin went to yale, my friends went to yale, like whatever. she was like, something's not right. she called. she called the yale registrar's office. [ laughter ] to confirm if a dennis kelly had gone there. when they said no, that's what lit a fire under all of it.
12:23 am
[ cheers and applause ] mom does not stop. >> jimmy: yeah, mom is not messing around. >> there were couple other things, yeah. >> jimmy: the way the lies were presented though i have to imagine were very accurate. they were done so well. this guy, you have to say, he's a really good liar. he'd say, yes, my mom has cancer, my mom's sick, you would say we should go visit her and yeah, let's go visit her, then he'd make it like it's a little bit of an imposition. then like, no, we can visit her when we come back. all of these things seem believable because who would imagine anyone would lie that much? >> that's the whole crux of this sociopathic behavior, who would who wou lie your colleague basic 101 meet you things. here's where i went to school, what i do, here's who i am. most people don't have the wherewithal to lie right up top. >> jimmy: or lie if it's a short-term situation, i'm going to see a person for a half hour,
12:24 am
i'm going to lie. not like, we're in a relationship, i made up everything. >> i think he wasn't counting on me being cool on the plane, he's like she's smart and funny, i'm like, ha, that's how i catch all of them. [ laughter ] >> start low, you go high. but we were friends for that year. and then i was always very honest, i would go out with other guys, we don't have to be friends if that bothers you, he's like, no, i'm down. i was actually on a date with someone, i posted a picture, tyler cameron from "the bachelor" and i posted a picture. in real life i got a call from him, crying, he's like, "my mom's been diagnosed with cancer." i think he saw i was on a date with someone he couldn't compete with. your heart breaks, this is one of your best friends -- >> jimmy: either that or that posting gave his mother cancer. [ laughter ] >> if i had that kind of power i would wield it very gently. and so that -- it's one of those things only in
12:25 am
our society as a woman do you rethink -- you're like, oh, he's an absolute warthog, but he's so sweet and kind, i'll be sexual with him. [ laughter ] we never say to guys -- you never say to a guy, look, i know she's an armadillo, but if you can just put your mouth on hers because she's very funny. [ applause ] it's true. >> jimmy: are you -- you're on a tour right now? >> i'm on tour as we're speaking. >> jimmy: where are you going next? >> i'm going to alabama this weekend. [ cheers and applause ] oh, you've heard of it? good. >> jimmy: well, don't talk to anyone on the plane. >> no, never again. i wear my ppe welding gear and i just face the window. >> jimmy: by the way, please thank your husband he sent burr right toes. from the restaurant koufax they have the whole thing. >> we know you're fans and he came up with that burrito and i would like to think it could be a tradition which means i have to keep coming back. >> jimmy: it is a tradition. yeah, it is now a tradition. >> good, good.
12:26 am
>> jimmy: you and burritos. it's great to see you. the movie, it's called "good on paper" it's on netflix now. we'll be right back with lukas nelson & promise of the real.[ chrsppl] ♪ ♪ for those who see everyone's safety as equally important... experience our advanced standard safety technology on a full line of vehicles, ♪ at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. for people living with h-i-v, keep being you. and ask your doctor about biktarvy. biktarvy is a complete, one-pill, once-a-day treatment used for h-i-v in certain adults. it's not a cure, but with one small pill, biktarvy fights h-i-v to help you get to and stay undetectable.
12:27 am
that's when the amount of virus is so low it cannot be measured by a lab test. research shows people who take h-i-v treatment every day and get to and stay undetectable can no longer transmit h-i-v through sex. serious side effects can occur, including kidney problems and kidney failure. rare, life-threatening side effects include a buildup of lactic acid and liver problems. do not take biktarvy if you take dofetilide or rifampin. tell your doctor about all the medicines and supplements you take, if you are pregnant or breastfeeding, or if you have kidney or liver problems, including hepatitis. if you have hepatitis b, do not stop taking biktarvy without talking to your doctor. common side effects were diarrhea, nausea, and headache. if you're living with hiv, keep loving who you are. and ask your doctor if biktarvy is right for you. start your day with crest 3d white and from mochaccinos to merlot, keep loving who you are.
12:28 am
your smile will always be brilliant. crest 3d white brilliance. 100% stain removal, 24 hour stain resistance to lock in your whitest smile. crest. the #1 toothpaste brand in america. (upbeat pop music in background throughout) everyone's crunching! what's crunching? simply unwrap crunch and eat crunch.
12:29 am
100% milk chocolate and crispy rice. crunching makes me extreme. crunching made our breakup easy! i'm in the friendzone! anyone can do it, even anyone. ♪ welcome to allstate, ♪ ♪are you down, d-d-down, d-d-down, d-d-down♪ where we're driving down the cost of insurance. ♪ ♪ are you down, down♪ ♪d-down, down? are you♪ drivers who switched saved over $700. ♪ allstate. here, better protection costs a whole lot less. you're in good hands. click or call for a lower rate today. sweet pillows of softness! this is soft! you're in good hands. holy charmin! excuse me! roll it back everybody! charmin ultra soft is so cushiony soft, you'll want more! but it's so absorbent, you can use less. enjoy the go with charmin. come in for sweats,
12:30 am
leave as a squad. what we value most, me.
12:31 am
>> dicky: the jimmy kimmel live concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing. >> jimmy: i think you will like this. with the song "perennial bloom," from their new album, "a few stars apart," lukas nelson & promise of the real! [ cheers and applause ] ♪ some of the stillness i have found is bound to last some of the restlessness will live on ♪ ♪ some of the pain i've always known is hard to pass but a mutual blessing takes the game on ♪ ♪ summer seed become my
12:32 am
perennial bloom summer's healing coming soon and the love between us as ♪ ♪ i lay with you sends me floating to the moon but now you sound the bell that brings me back to you ♪ ♪ someone beside me actually smiled without a mask i guess there's no use ♪ ♪ pretending like we're high-born someone inside the action pulled me away from the ♪ ♪ blast assuring me my heart
12:33 am
would not be torn summer seed become my perennial bloom ♪ ♪ summer's healing coming soon and the love between us as i lay with you sends me floating to the moon ♪ ♪ but now you sound the bell that brings me back to you summer seed become my ♪ ♪ perennial bloom summer's
12:34 am
healing coming soon and the love between us as i lay with you ♪ ♪ sends me floating to the moon but now you sound the bell that brings me back to you ♪ ♪ ♪ [ cheers and applause ] >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series is presented by mercedes-benz. the best or nothing.
12:35 am
two drums, two breasts, two thighs, two wings, with one heapin helpin of mac and cheese, one large fry, and four flakey biscuits. a great way to feed the whole family! order ahead on the kfc app! it's finger lickin' good.
12:36 am
>> jimmy: i want to thank quentin tarantino, iliza shlesinger, and lukas nelson & promise of the real. apologies to matt damon. we ran out of time for him. tomorrow night, billy crystal and emma corrin, with music from seventeen. and president trump, i hope you can forgive me. you big fat baby. thanks for watching, goodnight. [ laughter ] [ cheers and applause ]
12:37 am
right now at this defining moment in america, with so much on the line, from abc news, "my america, your america, our america." this is "turning point." tonight, legalizing marijuana. who stands to lose? who stands to gain? from big businesses -- >> we doubled our b going tooue >> me and the rich white guy, we're doing the same thing. we're selling or providing marijuana to the public, right? but i get a penitentiary, and he can get a pension. >> where black and brown americans are more likely to face the justice system. >> i never thought i would get
12:38 am
sentenced to ten years for


info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on