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tv   Gutfeld  FOX News  August 18, 2021 8:00pm-9:00pm PDT

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minister justice department -- justin trudeau. it's what you need to do to turn this into a she covery. >> laura: has he checked his estrogen levels. greg gutfeld takes it from here. >> previously on "gutfeld!". >> [speaking foreign language]. >> [shouting]. >> greg: planet fitness has gone to hell. >> [cheers and applause].
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>> [applauding]. >> [cheering]. >> greg: so about that new and improved taliban, how is that going so far? a new and improved taliban. that's like a new and improved kidney stone. i don't see much room for an upgrade. their spokesman said the insurgents would honor women's rights according to the delightful rules of sharia law. that's like andrew cuomo saying i will respect women's rights as long as they are hot and i can still grab their asses. taliban fighters executed a woman for not wearing a burqa. what is new and improved? they didn't kill her entire family? i guess that's progress. thank god we are back on the world stage. too bad our play opened and closed on the same night but the u.s. ambassador to the u.n. sent
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the thugs a strongly worded letter. >> we expressed in no uncertain terms in a strongly worded press statement from the security council we expect the taliban to respect human rights including the rights of women and girls and they have to respect humanitarian law. >> greg: how did wolfe keep a straight face? i see a game of tag taken more seriously than this. a strongly worded letter? there is one thing we learned about the taliban they really respect a stern note with a fancy type face. on twitter their official spokesmen have unverified accounts which seems unfair. the taliban on twitter. that's like fred flintstone
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operating an iphone and joe biden wearing pants. the regime of champions returned to the dark ages getting pressers from their smart phones. i wonder who their service provider is and does the goat porn cause extra? i imagine the taliban is miffed you can retweet but can't behead. where is the emoji for death to america anyway? former president trump is band from the flat form but the taliban remains. maybe twitter's ceo likes the cut of their beards. you can tell which is which? twitter allows this disinformation to remain. >> when they announced our draw down in april, i said we would be out by september. our military mission in afghanistan will conclude on auth31st. -- august 31st.
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the draw down is proceeding in a secure and orderly way. >> greg: that didn't happen. twitter said their top priority is keeping people safe unless it's afghan women or people who think like tluchl. -- trump if those words were empty they would be hunter biden's medicine cabinet. the last thing something sees are their names on your vomit engine. if you think the social media has the best interest at heart you think ben and jerry's is your heart's best interest too. the white house is troubled to getting everybody out safely from afghanistan. that makes sense. joe disappears for days like he is campaigning.
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hides under more lids than oscar the grouch. >> [laughing]. >> greg: you can't expect a successful evacuation without the threat of strings. -- destruction if you stop it. if the real problems are white racism, how can we tell the taliban what to do? we lost our moral authority to a group who has the term oppressor in their job description. if only they had trump 2024 towels. joe biden became a lame duck presidency in record time. my apology to ducks everywhere. for the great unifier he has an unbelievable talent of breaking things into pieces.
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he should not be running a country. he should demolish kitchens on this old house. we see law enforcement in tatters as crime wages and watch our energy policies implode as gas prices soar. but he helped russia and opec. no wonder the media and academic institutions worked to get this guy elected. they are quiet now. they buried the hunter biden laptop. it's harder to find than a dom lemon viewer. the presidency is gray and rotten on the inside. what is next. joe kennedy sums it up. >> the biggest terrorists victory since 9-11. jihadists who want to hurt this country are reinvigorated today. >> greg: tell that to the white
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house. they will say it's domestic terrorism we need two worry about. it's the red sox. -- the insurrection. those were the days when you could pretend your fellow americans were evil when it reality it was your imcompetence all along. let's welcome today's guests. david mcdowell. >> [applauding]. >> greg: former acting u.s. attorney general. she is like a smoke alarm. loud piercing and you have to change the battery. kat timpf. and a grain silo is his coffee thermos. my master side kick tires! -- tyrus!
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>> [cheers and applause]. >> greg: good to see you. we just did "the five." >> titillating. >> greg: watch your mouth. what did you make of joe's speech today? how do you feel about the taliban being on twitter? >> the speech was a zero. that's how many times we addressed what was going on in afghanistan. the taliban on twitter and trump is not. that will get resolved. the taliban place by the rules, the rules set by the left. that's their fixation. you were talking about energy policy. i hope that the debacle created by joe biden in afghanistan means that every one ever his other planned policies to destroy the united states fail miserably. it's a stain. for example, getting
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middle-class americans hooked on the government. that's more power and control for the idiots like biden and the energy policy. we are begging countries that hate us to pump more oil. our policy here is just like a recruit effort for the greta fan club. everything that joe biden touches carries such a stench even moderate democrats are afraid to touch it. he is toxic. >> greg: i don't know how he comes back to that. today he said -- this killed me -- am glad you are doing the workout i prescribed to you. >> it's working. i am getting bigger and skinnier and taller. >> greg: exactly. [laughing]. i was going to make a joke about hair, but you can still beat me
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up. >> i choose to cut it like this. >> greg: [laughing]. there was a moment in this interview with george stephanopoulos when george asked him about the terrible withdrawal. he said it was 4 days ago. it wasn't 4 days ago and it should not matter if it's 14 days ago. it's crazy. >> when you sleep for 16 hours a day, they kind of run into each other. the first thing i keep thinking about is how uninformed the president of the united states appears to be. not talking about what is actually happening in the world. he is talking about maybe somebody needs to say all of these refugees from afghanistan they are not vaccinated. i am really concerned. the american warrior is the best equipped and best trained war fighter anywhere. we need to make sure that this doesn't demoralalize that whole
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class of people who raised their hand and swear to give their life in the defense of the republic. i am concerned how demoralizing this is. we need to remind them their sacrifice was not for nought. they were defending the principles we stand for and the flag will fly forever and we can be trusted as an ally. it's on the ropes. we need to make sure that's not lost. >> greg: it's an important point to decouple the withdrawal from their service. part of the accomplishment of their service is we didn't have to think about afghanistan for a long time. i didn't think about it. it was background noise because of their efforts. tyrus good to see you back with your belt. are you going to carry that belt wherever you go? >> until somebody takes it so yes, it will be on my shoulders
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for a while. >> greg: what should we be doing? >> i know what we should not be doing. this is friendly fire on the republican side. joe biden gaffes are glaring. i get that. but we need to stop being democrats where all we do is attack and blame. we know it's bad. get some solutions. the senator -- i live in louisiana. he is always running his mouth. do your job and get off the camera. i don't need to hear 3 snow flakes landed in texas. you jumped out of the country and blamed it on your daughter. afghanistan we don't belong there. it's centuries of the way they are. every time we come in we put band-aids and make it better for a little while. as soon as we leave they go back
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to where they were and blood is splaerted. -- splattered. if they don't believe what we are doing, there wasn't a huge fight from the afghanistan army. they pointed where the tanks were as soon as we pulled back. this is ugly. let's get some solutions. i want to hear great solutions that people can get behind and support our troops. we can bash the president. it's easy. every time he talks you have something new to make a joke about. you made a great point. we are trashing our troops. these guys are still out there trying to get people home. stay on point with solutions and support our troops. >> [applauding]. >> greg: you same here for solutions you? are talking to the wrong guy. [laughing]. kat any solutions?
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>> about what? >> greg: anything in general? >> yeah, where i solve the crisis. >> greg: there is a good point here about the afghan army. why would you fight the people that are going to take over because they will kill your family and kill everything if you fight. well, it's the taliban. >> why would anyone focus on solution physical there is no accountability for not having solutions and messing this up and lying and saying i don't know how that happened. that's way easier. there are no consequences unfortunatelies. i think the taliban is bad. >> greg: good on you. >> i don't like them and they don't like me. >> greg: a lot of people don't like you. >> exactly. i have done things that are offensive by western american
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standards. i can't imagine how they will feel. >> i can volunteer my time to support the troops when they come home? >> greg: i am afraid to ask how. up next schumer spits rhymes. while counterfeiters commit crimes. oh! are you using liberty mutual's coverage customizer tool? so you only pay for what you need. sorry? limu, you're an animal! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪ i'm not always on my game. but lately, my uncle is, especially with his type 2 diabetes. with once-weekly trulicity most people reached an a1c under 7%. plus it could help you lose up to ten pounds. trulicity is for type 2 diabetes. it isn't for people with type 1 diabetes.
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heyyy! (steins breaking) your cousin. ♪ from boston. ♪ it means, “ok-to-beer-fest”. another sam octoberfest? nein. make it ten! i like this guy. (cheers)
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>> greg: get ready for the jerk who demands your paper work. is this the end of time when chuck schumer is busting rhymes.
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entrepreneurs are getting into the printing business. a chicago pharmacist got busted for selling fake vaccination cards on ebay. that's a website, kat. facing 120 years in prison but in chicago that makes him less likely to get murdered. since last week u.s. customs and border protection received a shipment of more than 3,000 fake vaccine cards from china. they stamped them made in taiwan. the tsa extended the mask requirement through january of 2022. if you are coming through san francisco, we recommend you wear a mask while pooping on the street. chuck schumer is so serious about getting things back to
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normal he's become a rapper. >> ♪ [rapping]♪. i don't have hip hop fame. >> [cheers and applause]. >> greg: yeah. chuck dropped the mic because of his arthritis. you can't cell rap without aarp. there is an extra a. schumer is not the only one demanding vaccine paper work become part of our daily lives. covid cops are taking things too far. >> what is it this time? >> explain what you were doing in a restaurant without a mask? >> enjoying good food. >> you were at an apple by's.
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let's see your vaccination card. >> i had it in my pocket and it rained. >> that's what you get for going outside. >> it's none of your business. you can't force me to get vaccinated. >> no one is forcing to you gets it. we are forcing you to have. you have a tripping coming up? >> yes. >> good luck getting around the tsa. this is a temporary measure like taking you're shoes off at the airport. >> make me take my shoes off in here. >> [applauding]. >> greg: tyrus, would it will
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predictable if i asked you the question about chuck schumer rapping. >> i will keep it real. if you are going to do it. go hard in the paint. it's wutang clan is not nothing to [bleep] with. the democrats took something cool and edgy and turned it into porridge. take your dentures out next time. >> i think he did it bad on purpose. >> greg: pulled an hillary. >> i can count on one hand the number of successful white rappers. all have face tattoos and none are in their 70s. >> m-and-m doesn't have face tattoos. >> and he hasn't had a good song in 20 years. >> but he made a lot in the
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past. >> greg: we are hearing from the mc. you could have been an insane cloud posse because you have a scary look. >> i am not sure that's a compliment. >> i am not sure either. >> i am more of a country sing. i can play 3 cords on a guitar and tell a good story. >> greg: dagen feel free to address any topic we covered. >> the white rapper you have given hunter biden his next career. how best to like beddal your influence. -- pedal your influence. charge half million dollars to sing for hedge fun managers
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labor day weekend party. >> greg: how do you feel about the booster shot? >> well, my pops got his third shot. an alert to all of the ladies. east of the mississippi. it was a very long story. he was like i am getting a booster. i didn't have time. but he got it from some dude named jud. i don't know who that is. i asked him if he was involved in the medical community in some way. i envision a needle pulled out of somebody's cover alls. i will keep you posted with updates as the days going on. >> greg: do you know what a southern vaccine is? dirt. roll around the dirt. >> that's every healing thing for anyone who coached. rub some dirt on. that card has multiple spaces.
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what did we think they were going to do? it's the federal government. you have to fill in the spaces. >> greg: it's like starbucks. you get 12 vaccines and you get the 13th vaccine free. then you always lose the card. >> laminate it. >> you can't laminate it. then they can't sign it. mind was folded. i had to open it today. damn, there you go. i assume it's legit. >> greg: we went out to dinner in new york city and we had to sit outside because my wife was not vaccinated. don't you think that's racist? >> i am proud of you. i am surprised you didn't go inside. you violated the law by sharing somebody's medical information. >> greg: my god, i did. are you going to citizen arrest me? >> that's never happened on this
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show shockingly. >> greg: violating hippa or me getting arrested? >> any of us getting arrested. it's horrible because you will loose it. i have a picture of it on my phone. the worst thing is something that could happen at the airport if you are showing someone your ticket, you could accidentally have something else open and they could look at that. >> greg: like what? >> like something else. >> greg: i don't know what you are getting at. >> good! >> where are we at on masks? do they work? do we have to wear two? >> that's a good idea. [overlapping talking]. >> greg: they are talking about news. >> talking about family recipes. >> my grandma found out someone
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else saw that recipe. >> she taught you how to show photos to strangers. >> greg: i don't know where this conversation went. a tasteless joke or another hoax? le transportation to their medical appointments. that's why i started medhaul. citi launched the impact fund to invest in both women and entrepreneurs of color like me, so i can realize my vision and give everything i've got to my company, and my community. i got you. for the love of people. for the love of community. for the love of progress. citi. your mission: stand up to moderate to severe rheumatoid arthritis. and take. it. on... ...with rinvoq. rinvoq a once-daily pill can dramatically improve symptoms... rinvoq helps tame pain, stiffness, swelling. and for some rinvoq can even significantly reduce ra fatigue.
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introducing the first ever at4 lineup. premium and capable. that's professional grade from gmc. >> greg: will we ever solve the puzzle of who sent her a muzzle? targeted by anti-vaxxers folks is this a crime or just stupid. i am jourhost danny duncan. the case of a doctor who was tennessee's vaccine director fired last month after promoting vaccines for teenagers without their parents permission. she claimed she received an odd package in the mail.
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>> i received a package that contained a dog muzzle. at first i thought that was a joke and contacted a few friends. then realize it was sent to me as a message. they didn't know me because they sent me a size 3 for beagles. they didn't know me because i am a pit bull that is a size 6. >> greg: a state investigation concluded the muzzle was bought on amazon using her own credit cards. we had a slick harasser or dumb doctor. who were 2 amazon accounts in her time. one she let the fbi access but investigators determined a second account opened in march of this year purchased the
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muzzle with her card. it may have been used for more embarrassing purchases. >> [laughing]. >> [applauding]. >> greg: [laughing]. anyway. she admits her card was used but has no idea 2 used it. the second account was made under my name from a phone in washington. no, i didn't send it to myself. that's harder to believe than the plot of air bud about a dog 2 played basketball. tyrus, you have breaking news? >> yeah. oh! your husband did it. >> [laughing]. >> this is a husband thing. i hate to be the one to break. the size 3 was not for you,
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dear. he made a friend and they thought it would be fun if he got her a muzzle and made a secret account. he was new and used the first card in his wallet which was on the joint account. >> [laughing]. >> not that i have ever ordered something on amazon and said money, this is ridiculous? >> i would never own a thigh master. she's like what? the husband is what is it, dear? what happened? second amazon account. he is sweating. it was ridiculous. do you think it was hacked. weigh -- we will get to the bottom of this. >> greg: you are blaming the husband? >> yes, like every time your wife gets that weird package with leather chaps and ball.
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>> first she knows a lot about the size of muzzles. that's very strange for somebody who never ordered them before. second, if you don't get the zip code right for your billing address it kicks you out. the idea somebody didn't have the card in front of them with what is on the back. there is more to this story. we will find out. >> greg: yes. kat, i am impressed she is sticking to her guns. there is a stench of jussie smollett here. it's never this clever. >> i get crazy hate mail. >> greg: from me. >> i know because you sign them. at this point you have to stick to it. what else is she going to do? >> the husband did it.
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>> she wanted attention. people were being mean to her. but nothing was so bad she got attention she wanted. it's awful. there are so many legal options for attention with the internet. you could have started an only fans like everybody else who wants attention. if she makes money and get fired and "vanity fair" will write an recall about you. talk to me. >> you are an expert on attention seeking. >> yes, do i it professionally. >> greg: dagen mcdowell for her to tell the truth, the offensive person must have planned in advance to steal the credit cards information to buy the muzzle. that's a lot of work. >> for a husband. >> it's not the husband. it would have been a zip up latex body bag.
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>> i said he was nervous. it was his first time. >> greg: not everybody is into what these people are. >> a muzzle didn't fit. >> he's new. he was nervous. >> she crafted this joke about the beagle. but i am a bit pull. you are ripping off sarah palin. i don't know if that's the way to go. she was on cnn or msnbc. she doesn't work the material out in front of an audience. >> greg: i think she didn't think it would make news. she sweetedsweeted -- tweeted a got out of her hands. we will keep track of this. we don't whereinto ends up. >> yes, we do.
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the husband do. this is what keeps us coming back. i will bring it back. the husband did it. >> greg: when groups thinks america is the best? it might not be who you guessed. because we were created for officers. but as we've evolved with the military, we've grown to serve all who've honorably served. no matter their rank, or when they were in. a marine just out of basic, or a petty officer from '73. and even his kids. and their kids. usaa is made for all who've honorably served and their families. are we still exclusive? absolutely. and that's exactly why you should join. are we still exclusive? absolutely.
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♪ music playing. ♪ there's an america we build ♪ ♪ and one we explore one that's been paved and one that's forever wild but freedom means you don't have to choose just one adventure
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♪ ♪ you get both. introducing the all-new 3-row jeep grand cherokee l jeep. there's only one. >> greg: which group is first to say they love the usa. native-americans say we are greatest nation on earth. the other category doesn't including [inaudible]. hispanic and white americans are 52%. 28 percent of asian-americans put the u.s. at number 1.
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how can you go against america when you have this guy? >> i was pulling him on the skate board. >> [laughing]. >> ♪ america ♪ >> don't mock that man. i thought it was nice. 50% in total said we are the best. is it because we are great or the rest of the world sucks? >> it's because we are great. no doubt we are the greatest country in the world. the question is if we are know the greatest, who is? >> france? russia. if you go down our competition, it's weak. and second we are great. >> greg: i have a theory, tyrus, would you like to hear it? >> i have no choice. it's your show.
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>> greg: yes. we are a better country but it has to do with technology. i would be rather be in mexico 2021 than american 1821. >> what? i am killing you as soon as i get my chains off. i don't know about that weird [bleep] about mexico. but age is important. when you are younger you don't appreciate everything. you have no experience. we have to get a job. anyone who has been -- you see the interview on campus. i kind of like america but i am on the ropes. when you get older you appreciate things or spent time in other places having travelled the world. i have been everywhere. every place after 3 days when is our flight back to america. >> greg: air conditioning and ice. >> and in america you have
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a fistful of money you can get food. >> greg: america. i love how they make fun of us about ice. in london oh you are putting your ice in there in [bleep]. >> they don't even have good bacon. it's still oinking. >> i hate the world. >> [laughing]. >> america is good. i like america. >> really? >> yes, i do. when i start my own country of kat-is-stan it will be better. you have all come but you have to take care of yourself there. everybody. people who think other countries are great, they have not really traveled to other countries. they traveled to resorts in other countries. >> greg: that's true. >> which is like luxury america with different weather. >> greg: it's like judging the
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world by the ethnic restaurants. >> yes, you are at the highest. you were in another country. >> yes, i got to tell you. i don't know what i am saying. what last word to you, dagen? >> i live in new york city. you don't have ice in my apartment. my air-conditioner really works and i am not allowed to have a gun and i walk around with my proud america hat from fox news on my head. >> [cheers and applause]. >> greg: all right. up next, it was a birthday romp until an alligator chomped. heyyy! (steins breaking) your cousin. ♪ from boston. ♪
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it means, “ok-to-beer-fest”. another sam octoberfest? nein. make it ten! i like this guy. (cheers) okay people. oh yeah. let us begin. people!!! less with the puns. more about the moms. they want healthy, affordable options. moms want to save that dough. hold onto that green. enough with the puns! land o'frost premium. fresh look. same great taste. (upbeat pop music in background throughout)
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homelessness, housing, taxes, l water, electricity, crime, wildfires. [sfx: bear roar] gavin, you've failed. we have to immediately cut taxes twenty-five percent. fix housing and homelessness. and make life in california affordable again. i'm a businessman, the only cpa running. shouldn't we choose ability this time? we must have a competent governor with management experience and outsider integrity. [sfx: bear roar] that describes only john cox.
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>> ♪ ♪ >> greg: he jumped into fight a gator when most would have said see you later. we are about to show you disturbing footage. >> [laughing]. >> greg: i kid. kat, no more sandles in the office. we have to warn you of graphic tape. parents if you have small children in the room. tell them monsters will eat them. an 8.5 foot alligator snapped
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down on his handleler's hand yanking her into the tank during a children's birthday party in utah. it bit her hand like one of joe biden's dogs attacking the secrets service. a bistander jumped on to the gator's back. then he went outside to smoke a sig rit. -- cigarette. and the gator also smoked a cigarette. she under went hand surgery but is expected to make a full recovery. kat, thoughts, alligator best children's birthday party ever, am i right? >> because it turned out that way. otherwise there would be a lot of kids with lifelong trauma.
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it's tough for everybody. was his name donny wiseman what a great guy. i would haven't done that. i would have stood there and made a loud noise which is what i i do in most situations. >> greg: i don't want to choke on steak around you. you would immediately start texting somebody or going to ticket. -- tiktok. how do you do the heimlick maneuver? >> i am too old for tiktok. >> how awesome to have a slow and have cellphone video. you have these great viral videos. how awesome that spin of a crocodile. >> greg: i am telling you, dagen, kids will ask their mommy to wrestle an alligator at their
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party. instead of balloon animals. >> i know people who might do that for the right price. by the way, the kids you go to a reptile emporium. they go to watch the snakes being fed. they are not eating live humans but eating dead nice that were thawed out in a bucket. they are going for gore in the first place. to see a woman get taken down by a large lizard, that's like try to top that. >> greg: the kid will brag about this birthday forever. he got the best birthday ever. this is better than a magician. tyrus. you are the king of all represent tiles. >> it's sad when you have a children's party and a misogynistic alligator shows
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up. he was taken off twitter. no longer doing birthday parties. he had an apology but it was really long-winded. we didn't own it, own. unfortunately for him he could not take the pressure of being outside. it didn't end well and he is a hand bag in missouri. the point is, kids, you have to respect everybody even if you are an alligator. >> greg: true. i hear at reptile birthday parties they will scale it back. >> sometimes your jokes are prehistoric. >> greg: we'll be right back. >> [cheers and applause]. oh! are you using liberty mutual's coverage customizer tool? sorry? well, since you asked. it finds discounts and policy recommendations, so you only pay for what you need. limu, you're an animal!
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♪ ♪ water? urgh!
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(rocket ship) hey! hey! heads up. thank you! water tastes like, water. so we fixed it. mio if you're 55 and up, t- mobile has plans built just for you. switch today and get 2 lines of unlimited and 2 free smartphones. plus you'll now get netflix on us. all this for up to 50% off vs. verizon. it's all included. 2 lines of unlimited for only $70 bucks. and this rate is fixed. you'll pay exactly $70 bucks total. this month and every month. only at t-mobile. >> greg: we are out of time. remember to set your dvr feminizing unanimous episode. thanks for the wonderful dagen mcdowell, matt whitaker, kat timpf, tyrus. our studio audience.
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"fox news @ night" with evil, evil shannon bream is next. i am greg gutfeld, and i love you, america. ♪ ♪ >> shannon: hello and welcome to "fox news @ night." i am shannon bream in washington. a lot going on. stick with us. chaos in afghanistan tonight as the taliban continues its brutal takeover. u.s. officials urging thousands of americans to evacuate immediately but sayings safe passage to the airport is not guaranteed. new images show the taliban finally breaking up p


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