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tv   Gutfeld  FOX News  August 13, 2021 8:00pm-9:00pm PDT

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energy to indigent elderly who have no one else to care for them. freedom matters, you bet it does. a summer, fall, winter, spring. that's all the time we have, thanks for watching us all week long. we'll see you back here monday night, special edition of "the ingraham angle" ends now but "gutfeld!" takes it from here! ♪ ♪ [cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> greg: awesome! welcome back, everyone, it's time for "who wants to be a murderer?" that's right, if you are watching this show chances are you either have blood on your hands, have recently murdered someone, or both. let's go live to the media which
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trial, i wonder, who learned a new word? >> the same ghoulish death cult figures falling into a death cult? that's death cult material. >> part of this death cult. >> death cult. >> this death cult. >> teaching of a growing death cult. >> greg: i guess when you have the iq of a hammer, everything start to look like a nail or in her case, a thumb. i wonder if we should start renaming diseases after people? >> instead of the delta variant, why not call it the ron desantis variant? >> we have a dump and are more interested in playing politics than saving lives, the ron desantis variant. >> greg: clever, great minds that the like. i got one, how about the mika virus? thanks to the wonders of modern technology, it's more transmissible than covid and it
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affects your brain with really stupid thoughts. similar to zeke and just as deadly if you ingest it, you can call someone a mass murderer for not agreeing with you and no one bats an eye but he was a wrong pronoun and they will use what is left of their pc saturated brain. why not? especially if you delight in killing children! >> sickening and killing your political supporters seems to me the stupidest and most shortsighted political strategy ever heard of. yet that what desantis is doing. he is insisting that pediatric wards filled with covert patients, it is outrageous to say the least and frankly, it's criminal. >> what is the strategy behind killing children in your own state and letting them die of covid? >> greg: great question! what is the strategy of killing children?
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maybe you should ask planned parenthood, lady. who is killing children? who was letting children die, wouldn't it be great if we demanded proof from these idiots? what we are seeing now among the weakest minds is adolescent delight in demonization, it feels good to call someone a murderer. that's why i keep trying to get andrew cuomo on this show. it elevates you as a judge and jury to get lots of attention as well, you don't need to bother with fake statistics like the one they use about destin, florida, but if they truly wanted to persuade people to their point of view, why would they constantly berate and mark and censor them? because name-calling is way easier than making a sound argument based on facts and truths and a sound argument would take all the fun out of being on tv. which tells you the essential truth, they don't want to persuade you, they don't care who gets the vax, it's all about the surge of dopamine, emphasis on dope.
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if you were to return the favor, watch out, i did this as an experiment, no joke, after mika brezinski libeled governor desantis, on the five, i called her a dumb broad. it seems course even for me but i did it to reveal how the media will respond to it, as gomer pyle would say, surprise, surprise. calling her a dumb broad is worse than her calling people mass murderers, it's like the media, much like van gogh, can only hear one side of things. too soon? they are never offended by the truly offensive if it is set against someone they disagree with. they can call you a murderer but don't you call them stupid. whatever you say, stupid. who really cares about vaccination rates? it turns out we do. unlike the jerks at those other networks, we have debated how to persuade the hesitant, if it's
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possible without accusing them of being ted bundy, john wayne gacy, or andrew cuomo. of course there are white folks hesitant about the vaccine but mika, joe, and a cost you to think these groups are like the neighborhoods they live in, all white, proverbially in red hats. new york city data shows that only 28% of black new yorkers ages 18 to make 44 are fully vaccine, that's compared to latinos and whites in the same age group and that's a hell of a disparity, you don't hear that on the other shows. every individual has reasons for the reluctance, some of it is misguided fear, others are based in legit skepticism based on previous lies by so-called medical experts. like "this virus didn't leak from a lab." paging dr. fauci. it's normal and healthy not to trust the government, god knows they have given us plenty of reason to.
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just as it is normal and healthy to acknowledge and admire the astonishing progress we have made in fighting disease with vaccines, it has changed the world. i am pro-vaccine but i'm also pro skepticism, how can that be? that is too nuanced, you can't get in trouble if you are just trashing whitey. it's the soft bigotry of low expectations once again, those babbling clowns on other networks don't believe minorities can handle criticism or masks or getting an i.d. so they focus their bio on an amorphous mass of white rednecks, suddenly creating cracker barrel. it's expected another wave of covid will hit black new yorkers pretty hard, which is perfect set up for a more evidence this country is racist on cable news. i would say nick and her death cult have blood on her hands but she might sue me for plagiarism. only joe biden can get away with that.
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[cheers and applause] let's welcome tonight's guests! his nickname his hot bod, he always incinerates his victims. tom shillue. he's got mad flavor and there is no one braver, fox news contributor -- even her hair is parted to the right, dagen mcdowell! finally, her opinions are like bengay, topical, stinging, and not to be taken internally, fox news contributor -- i call it the ascot. >> i call it a crevasse. >> greg: you know it's covering a hickey.
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you have the media consulate calling people murderers, and your case, you are a murderer. do you find it offensive that they are sapping the meaning of the word murder from heinous mass murderers like you who deserve it? >> i don't think there should be any consequences, people should be able to say what they want, i'm tired of people getting in trouble for what they say -- i'm going to say they are saying stupid things but they should be allowed to. people like joe and mika, it reminds me of al pacino one time. i'm giving an interview and he said the reason it's hard to be a celebrity is that you don't know when you are spouting b.s., because no one around you will tell you you're talking like an idiot, because they are just yes-men. i get the sense that people like joe and mika and joy don't have someone in their life, greg, you have a very successful cable show. >> greg: i have two. >> two! i get the sense when you go home
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your wife tells you you are full of it. she keeps you in check. >> greg: way to remind me about tonight. >> we all have that. >> greg: she doesn't care about the ratings come i tell her about the ratings and she doesn't care. >> nor should she. at any given time, even though your ratings are great, most of the country don't hold you in high regard. always just keep yourself humble is what i'm saying. >> greg: is that game show you host still on? i'm just curious, i have honestly not heard a peep about that game show. [laughter] according to my research, you can compare people to hitler all the time but if i say somebody is a dumb broad, that is heinous [bleep] sorry. >> that's mild.
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i've got a [bleep] out before i brush my teeth in the morning. >> greg: when you a trail of [bleep]. sorry, producers bird >> it's okay to be wrong if you're on the right side, just last week the cdc had to correct these inflated numbers in florida and the texas tribune, you saw this correction where the headline was "children under siege!" they reported that 58 other children had been hospitalized in a 70 period in august, not seven days, since the start of the pandemic. it was okay, they got away with that. >> greg: where was politifact? >> generally, i appreciate seeing people on tv who were completely unhinged and mentally unstable because it makes me feel better about myself.
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i feel okay, i'm not so bizarre. >> your bizarre. >> serial killers, i worry about these women. >> i have something unhinged to say, may be. speaking of serial killers, how do you think they feel? everybody getting cold murderers so easily. be tk got caught because he sent clues to the cops because no one was talking about him anymore. now everyone is a murderer. >> greg: it's so true. just look at game show. joey, you're a historian i believe, right? >> sure. >> greg: is this how wars start, people start calling you murderers, than they want to jail you and it becomes some kind of civil war? >> i think wars start when someone confuses your handkerchief because you reward
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a horse to work as an ascot come i don't know what that was all about. i don't know what question you asked it doesn't matter right now because i have something i want to say. take this vaccine and this virus texas and florida's fault, brought to you by people who said exit one tappen, trump became president because of russia, the people that told you that it's okay, we will pull out of afghanistan, no big deal, nothing is going to happen, there is a trend here. there is a pandemic in this country, pandemic of public trust and if you just want to demonize a people that don't want to listen to what you have to say, they're just going to listen less. i forgot the study but like 30% of the people who haven't taken the vaccine said the fda approving the vaccine might change their minds. that's 30% of the people, that's more than every stupid celebrity commercial you ever put out there can possibly sway but the fda is not getting on the ball.
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>> greg: is that a procedural thing? they have to wait for the legal stuff? >> who cares about the fda? >> 30% of the people who haven't been vaccinated apparently. >> greg: i put things in my body that aren't fda approved. >> i was a united states marine, i've gotten every vaccine you've heard of, i may not even be a good source of information on things like this. it will make your legs fall off, i don't know. >> imagine if you lived your life by fda approval, you just sit there? >> greg: i'm always trying to seek fda approval. >> there was a great point buried in your monologue there. >> greg: go ahead. >> black americans are a group that does not have a high rate of vaccination and yet they keep coming after people as if it's some kind of wet conspiracy. 36% of black americans trust the police, that's a low number but it's higher than the number who have gotten vaccinated.
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after all the relentless propaganda from blm and critical race theory, the black community still trust the medical establishment less than the police? >> insane point from mr. ascot. up next, they say the vp is the th bee's knees but asked him why and they freeze. ! are you using liberty mutual's coverage customizer tool? so you only pay for what you need. sorry? limu, you're an animal! only pay for what you need. ♪ liberty. liberty. liberty. liberty. ♪
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>> greg: college kids love kamala harris but don't know why-ala.
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[laughter] i don't even know where to go after this. yeah they give kamala a five star review, young people applaud her when asked by conservative new site campus reform, check it out. >> i really like her, i think it's really inspiring to see our first woman vice president. >> i like having a woman, person of color democratic leader in that position and i think she's a great representation. >> i think it's amazing to have a woman vice president and we are making great headway with that and she's a definite girl boss. >> greg: it's "person boss!" anyway, when asked why they love her, much like alicia silverstone in the 90s, they were clueless. >> can you name any specific
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accomplishments you are super proud of? >> besides her being the first and so many different forms, that would be my first thing. off the top of my head, i can't think of many of them. >> no, i don't really keep up with politics. on social media i see she does great posts. >> can you name any specific accomplishments that she's had since she's taken office? >> not any specific ones particularly, no. >> what policies specifically do you agree with? >> i don't know. can you tell me some? maybe i don't know what her policies are. [laughter] maybe you can cut that part out. >> greg: she's destined for tv. i have to admit that's pretty funny. how funny? let's ask the expert. >> what do you to know? i want to give her the
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opportunity. >> greg: is it fair to ask college kids anything about the world at all? >> i can't be a hypocrite, and 2013 i worked for campus reform and at usc i made a video where i walked around asking if they thought obama deserved a nobel peace prize and i think we have that. we might. >> in general, being a good guy, it's creating a lot of peace and mellow and not as much anxiety among the people. i love obama, i think everyone is so hard on him but second-year. >> greg: i thought you were in the video. >> other than the fact, it is true. i am now far more attractive than i was in 2013, which is good. i can't wait to see me when i'm 86 years old, i'm going to be so
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hot no one will be able to look at me. other than my very much more attractiveness, so hot now, not much has changed! i asked them, do you think there were like yes? why? i don't know, he's a good dude. it's not getting better and it's sad to because these are the same people that will tell you if you disagree, you are a horrible person, sexist, racist, bigoted, if you don't think these people are so great and so wonderful but they don't even know why other than they saw a mean. >> greg: the hilarious thing about this is their grasp of the world is inversely proportional to their arrogance about the world. i consolidated what you said in the suburb it made sense. >> i had to fit in a part about how good-looking i am. >> greg: someone had to. >> here's the problem, number one come out of the mouths of
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babes. >> greg: they were cute, weren't they? >> the accomplishments he or challenging my entire existence right now, i'm almost positive that was at georgetown which i find hilarious because all the videos now are from georgetown, they are all stupid and i went to that school. it's true. those people are 18, they all exist at 28, 38, 48, 58, those are the people electing our presidents every four years. their parents are, their older siblings are, people are just as disconnected and just as tuned out because in this country, poverty comes with a cell phone. we are an amazing place, we have prosperity on our down years, we are mad because we are buying a 3,000 square-foot house instead of 4,000 square-foot house, this is an amazing place to live there and we need to tune in more and hold people accountable. 20 years in a war i'm not going to give that one up anytime
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soon, i apologize, a little bit of a personal rub, i'll explain later. >> greg: i think young people, they claim they like to stand out in a simple way. i like to dye my hair blue come i'm to get a nose ring, like that is a really brave choice. they just want to blend when it comes to ideas, they don't want to stand out at all. it's a very interesting contrast. they just want to say the right thing. >> take it from me if you try to stand out like my entire 20s, i had a haircut like joey. you can't catch a dude if you stand out like that. i have something to say for these girls, college students. they are super smart. if somebody comes up to you with a camera and a microphone in
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college and says what do you think about the first black female vice president in history, and they stick the microphone on your face. she is wonderful! because they're sitting there thinking, she's amazing because if i say anything negative, i will never get a job and i'll be labeled a racist bigot for the rest of my adult life. then when they ask the women and the boys, what is her accomplishments, of course they can't say anything because he hasn't done anything. they were right on both counts. >> greg: the lady over there, can't remember her name. she made a great point. i'm making fun of these people all they were doing was self preservation. >> they knew they were on camera. can i say the campus has been reformed? when i was in college, girls did not wear summer dresses.
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how about that terry cloth number -- maybe they aren't in school right now? there on campus. you are really an old-fashioned person. should they be wearing something out of a burlap sack? >> i'm saying on my campus at the way they looked. i love the look, pairing the terry cloth onesie with a pair of roller-skates is a great look. >> all right, all right. >> are you sweating? >> greg: if you kill that many people you would be sweating too. up next, can we identify pregnant people by sex? the cdc says it's too complex. and we need more time. so, we want kisqali. living longer is possible and proven with kisqali when taken with fulvestrant or a nonsteroidal aromatase inhibitor in hr+,
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millions of vulnerable americans struggle to get reliable transportation to their medical appointments. that's why i started medhaul. citi launched the impact fund to invest in both women and entrepreneurs of color like me, so i can realize my vision and give everything i've got to my company, and my community. i got you. for the love of people. for the love of community. for the love of progress. citi. >> greg: they want to include pregnant males in their tweet is a big fail.
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director rochelle walensky tweeted this nonsense, the rise of cases, vexing hesitancy and increase risk of severe illness for pregnant people made vaccination against covid-19 more urgent than ever. pregnant people should be vaccinated against covid-19. from now on, we are using the term pregnant people to recommend that women get the vaccine, take that, feminists. even people who think the earth is flat are saying that's a [bleep] bad idea. personally, i love that tweet. i might frame it and put it above my bed next to the ceiling mirror i tell people from a previous owner. some people pushed back like illinois congresswoman mary miller, she tweeted when the cdc uses left-wing activist language like pregnant people in official
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guidance, the public loses faith and trust in objectivity, is it the cdc that men can get pregnant? how do we trust the signs that other end women because of left-wing politics, well said. i wonder what the angry, white, mostly nonpregnant male thinks about all this. ♪ ♪ >> pregnant can mean many things, you could have a woman who was pregnant with child, for instance i make frequent use of "pregnant pause" in my speech, i feel people will wait as long as i like if i simply imply a little pregnant pause. [laughter] [applause] >> greg: you know, if you covered this story the media will say look at the right-wingers pounce on birth
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people, when in fact it's the left pouncing on words like mom. this stuff is actually an attack on women which is why, it's an attack on women to appeal or appease a tiny group of really angry activists. >> and it chaps my ass. >> greg: i have a lotion for that to. >> i know i borrowed it. it's not like some white supremacist symbol, i've never given birth to a child, but i have carted around my entire life these reproductive organs and they are painful and messy and they come with a lot of pain. i would wear them on the outside if i could like on holsters so people would know my sex and know my capability that i could cook a baby if i feel like it's.
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>> greg: i'm not sure "cook" is the best verb, but to each his own. >> it's a bomb in an up and come on cooking a baby. >> i've heard it. >> greg: babies in the stomach? i was told, it's great that wasn't true. >> there's this thing called a uterus, greg. >> greg: wait until we have uterus transplants, than men can be truly pregnant, i'm waiting for that day. i think the irony here is that you can mock or blood libel someone unsure of the science behind the vaccine but you better not mock the science behind the pregnant man. speak of the first thing i thought when i saw this is call it whatever you want, that's whatever but when it comes to the cdc after everything they have said and done over the past year and a half, this isn't even in the top 20 for things that chapped my ass.
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if i'm ever pregnant, if rochelle walensky wants to follow me around with the bullhorn and call me a big fat whale, that would bother me less then what the cdc has done in the past year and a half in terms of destroying the country. >> can't top that. >> greg: do you want to not bother topping it? you top a lot of things. who would've thought using the word "mother" is offensive, we aren't even using the second part. >> people who shouldn't trust -- the medical establishment when they invented the pharmaceutical companies invented formula, they told women this is better than your natural breastmilk and they told him that for years, it wasn't true. now that women no, they're wiser, they know natural breastmilk is -- maybe this group of women, pregnant women has reason to be skeptical of the medical establishment. rochelle walensky included,
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she's got the crazy eyes, like aoc. they have that stare. >> greg: so do you! your eyes light up when you were talking about breastmilk. i mean, my god. speak out you didn't even say that the murderer thing in the a block, i don't know why! >> greg: joey, you have children. >> i have never murdered a baby but i played an intimate role in turtle of them. you know what really chaps my ass? the top part of my leg right now. that's in the next block -- i thought you were all saying chaps but tom refused to ride to work yesterday. if you want to get rid of mother and women, that's okay. i've got other words, there's all kinds of words of animals that create babies and i use them all the time because i killed him for sport.
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pregnant people, brought to you by the cdc, maybe they aren't really and sometimes they are and for kids under 12 over 13 they don't know what they are doing, this is the cdc. nobody is listening to them right now. >> they are kowtowing to a tiny segment of activists on twitter while they pass judgment on people just trying to get by with their kids and figure out what is best in their lives. we've got to move on, up next potential girlfriends shy away if you hang with women every day. (vo) how do you know when you've found your team? they all might look a little different. they might find each other for different reasons. maybe you're trying something new, or you've done this before. whether you're winning, or just doing your best.
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>> greg: our guys less attractive to gals if they have many female pals? a new study out of australia, the recent home of running water, found that the men who
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have a lot of female friends are less attractive to women because they are seen as having too many options, and are therefore too hard to tie down. >> hard to tie down? you can learn some very secure in knots on, as long as you get at least one done before he wakes up, you're golden. >> greg: why can i hear her thoughts? >> women are forced to look at pictures of dudes, when they found out some of the guys who had friends were girls, they ranked the players 40% less attractive, when asked how they felt about this, they just folded their arms and said fine. sitting around getting photos of men, i've got to sign up to participate in more studies. joey, there is a bit of hypocrisy going on here among women, the same women who say "i
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love having guy friends" will freak out when her boyfriend is out with the girls from work, and my right? >> probably. i'm all about hypocrisy because hypocrisy means there's a difference between men and women and we are fighting a good fight already here. i guess i look at it this way: my thought at it is and i have a dudes perspective, if i have a buddy who has more girlfriends than guy friends, i just assume he's not looking for a woman. he's over there doing his thing and i've got a lot of friends that have girl friends, i don't have a lot of friends who have a lot of girl friends. >> greg: you are drowning, you could feel him sinking. >> none of the guys hang out with want to be around a woman all the time or a group of them unless they are dating one of them and there's something in it for him. that's a lot of work.
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>> you know what else is a lot of work? would be cheating if you do it with one of your female friends. guys, he's not going to cheat on you with one of his girlfriends, a guy with all the guy friends who says sorry babe, saturday is for the boys and neither one of you ever know the other one exists. the other way is too messy, that's the way it's going to cheat on you. >> you just shouldn't have friends. >> with a boy, that's how you can bang another girl and that's how. >> greg: my guess is you have no female friends because you have no friends. your wife must be thrilled you are an isolated freak. >> all my old girlfriends are friends of mine. i think that's a good judge of character. >> greg: that's a good country song. >> if you remain friends with your girlfriend, it probably means you're doing something
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right, i think. that's my theory. i think women are confused about this, people who are more old-fashioned if women were to deprive men of the satisfaction that they give them. >> greg: what you call it, populated? >> than they would have to focus on one woman of time, winning her over for life. >> if you're not a you will never find a husband. >> greg: that's true, that's my new book. mike pence, he was right from the start. his role was don't be around women who ain't your wife. right? >> no, he's wrong. i'm in this with cat, you also want to date or be with a guy who hangs out with a lot of women because he will get better gifts. if you date a guy who's hanging around a bunch of dudes, you're going to get a full make him a
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flammable bathrobe that he bought off, a folding table from some dude outside of bonanza. they don't have time to go to the store, they've got to go from bonanza to the club, you're going to get some nylon backpacks and by the way with dudes hanging out with other dudes, their friends will encourage you to get fat, like that in visceral fat, hard to hard guts because they want you to look like them. you hang out with women, they will be the first to tell you, you have to do some sit-ups and to stop eating all those doughnuts. because no one is going to want to hit you. >> greg: i think i learned almost nothing. that was very interesting, i can't wait for this next segment. it's brand-new. coming up, jokes that were overlooked but never overcooked.
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♪ ♪ >> greg: we do a lot of stories over the course of the week and there's tons that we consider but don't ever make the show, stories that do we come up with a bunch of jokes for it but we don't use all of them either.
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that means it's time for a new segment that i'm calling "greg's leftovers." clever. the thing about leftovers, sometimes they are good, sometimes not so much but you never know until you dig in and then get food poisoning and die. let's sample them! and one we are done, the panel can tell me if there are any winners. here we go. andrew cuomo has gone into hiding which is the perfect place to be to be ambushed interviewed by matt lauer. [laughter] first michael avenatti, now colombo, the democrats are losing presidential candidates like hunter biden loses teeth. michael avenatti is in jail and cuomo might be next, it has republicans hoping hillary might throw her hat in the rain come a lot corrupt, they say. courtesy laugh from cat.
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shut up. andrew cuomo has resigned, he doesn't want to miss bring your daughter to work day. that's a strong one. very strong, i would've put that in the show if they would've actually send it to me. bad news, the scandal means andrew cuomo is not selling many copies of his book, the good news is they are making it into a movie produced by harvey weinstein. probably could have read that better. cnn is not sure if they should penalize chris cuomo his on-air antics, for now they are just relieved nobody saw it. chris cuomo says he gave his brother some tips for keeping a low profile, step one -- make sure nobody watches your show. [laughter] people wonder why brian stelter let himself get grilled by stephen colbert. he heard grill and thought there
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would be burgers. brian stelter defended chris cuomo's ethics on colbert, i didn't know that show was supposed to be funny. this is better than my monologue. time's up, president will resign after backing cuomo, in her defense the job market is tough for hypocrites unless john kerry stepped down as climate -- multimillionaire director quentin tarantino refuses to give any money to his mother for discouraging his film career although he says he will give 50% off junior mints. american airlines has mandated employees get the covid vaccine by october 25th, or risk getting fired. meanwhile, spirit air has decided to focus on hepatitis. [laughter]
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airlines are bringing back covert restrictions due to the delta variant, i thought that's what they called it when you had to change plans at newark. that's only an east coast joke. did you see this? a frontier airlines flight crew duct taped a rowdy passenger to his chair but for an extra $10 they will give him have a can of soda. that's the second time an unruly passenger has been duct taped to a plane, the must-have greyhound thinking "maybe we should open up an airline." people are dying here. frontier airlines duct taped a ruddy passenger to his chair which on frontier is called an upgrade. frontier is the airline for people who consider eating in their car dining out. i like that one. a spokesperson for the airline said they are not punishing the flyer with tickets for another flight on frontier. a school board member in
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oklahoma called students who come to school unmasked potential murderers. students quickly replied "where do you think we are, chicago? the governor of oregon has dropped the reading, writing, and math proficiency acquirements for high school graduates and due to budget cuts, students will only learn about 15 of the 22 genders. the governor of oregon has dropped the reading and writing requirements for high school graduates, outraged students want to sign a petition but they don't know how. and finally, teenage climate activist greta thunberg warns of a new crisis, and two years earth may run out of caring who she is. [applause] that's a good segment. i'm out of breath, don't go anywhere, we'll be right back.
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>> greg: we are out of time. set your dvrs every night. thanks to tom shillue, joey jones, dagen mcdowell, kat timpf, our studio audience. "fox news @ night" is next. i am greg gutfeld. i love you, america. >> had welcome to "fox news @ night." i am kevin corke in washington in for shannon bream tonight. breaking tonight: afghanistan crumbling as the taliban captures major cities, and critics are slamming president biden for being out of public view and spending the weekend at camp david. we will have a live report on the crisis in afghanistan where things stand. the fight over mass mandate is heating up as students head back

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