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tv   Gutfeld  FOX News  April 5, 2021 8:00pm-9:00pm PDT

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laura ingraham. you can catch me on saturday morning on fox and friends weekend but don't change that channel. up next, the premier of the brand-new show, greg gutfeld takes it all from here. >> greg: i spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs, smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack cocaine. i probably smoked more parmesan cheese than anyone that you know i'm sure. >> wow! that's exactly how i got fired from pizza hut. [laughter] [cheers]
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[applause] >> greg: here we are again. a brand-new show and a brand-new greg. i'm as giddy as kamala harris explaining kids in ages. if you've been watching the gt show on saturdays, welcome. if you love the five and felt the knee a need for more gg that's awesome. if you ended up here because you thought your tv was the microwave oven, it's good to see you, mr. president. your pizza will be warm in two minutes. hunter, he brought the extra cheese. you all made a great choice for proof over at msnbc, let's see what brian williams is up to right now. >> good evening. i'm brian williams. and i am on mars. yes, i jumped on a chopper and now i'm on mars. i've been here for a year now. i built a castle here made of mastodon carcasses and
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marshmallows. this is where i invented all the covid vaccines as well as penicillin, the smartphone, fluffer. >> greg: some things don't change. what's on cnn? >> you are, sir, racist. racist, racist. racist. white male racist. >> greg: that's from the don lemon hour who reports the news with the same look your mother gave you when she found weed in your sock drawer. that's who the late night shows are supposed to compete against? why bother? the only time he ruffles feathers is in a pillow fight. that guy fonds more than a herd of deal and i heard two ran off
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to be obscure together. so let them be. they got the corner calling america stupid. it's not about trump but trump vote issues. it's not about guns but gun owners. it's not just about destroying statues. it's about anyone who thinks mass is real. it's the issue, the targets, meaning you. the i like bark creeps in power, those speaking pinatas, entertainment and especially the news media because they are all the same people or in zuckerburg's case things that look like people. it's also because the only way they make money is by making people hate each other. it's not enough to say respectful disagreement makes less money. you have to say it's racist. that's why to them twitter is a news source. it created cancel culture. a crowd source version of a hit piece. a ge fund me page for character assassination. the bres used to write these hit pieces themselves. now they encourage steel cage matches so they can sell ads and
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ratings, repurposing tweets into click bait because it's profitable. cancel culture is to the media what an atm in the lobby of a casino is to an addicted gambler. it's de mock tra tied media destruction, declaring everything is not debatable but their power is an illusion. their numbers are small. it's just that their constant noise scares the hell out of corporations. look at what's happening to delta. they are more scared of tweets than birds flying into their engines, which leads us to -- >> this could very well be breaking news. at least to us. >> greg: i just found out about this today. the best way to demonstrate our values as a sport is relocating the all-star game. what does it mean in a sport where stealing bases is a terrorist u? the sport that was racially
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segregated for 70 years. where they pretended no players were on steroids even as their ballooning heads gave the goodyear blimp a complex. at least their heads swelled from growth hormone, not to sense of self-importance. clearly these cowards got spooked by activists manipulating the media because how is voter i.d. immoral. try picking up nail polish remover in west virginia without one. don't ask me how i know. remember, all-star voting process allows fans to vote five times over a 24-hour period. that's ballot stuffing. or in chicago, election gag mlb lecturing us on values is like me lecturing you on height. the bill calls jim crow a bill on steroids. so screw you, mlbp. your stupid
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exhibition game is about as entertaining as eating at 3:00 a.m. in the morning and screw delta and coke. in fact, screw all organizations. your executives are cowards and bad golfers. you cheat on your taxes and you cheat on each other. i hope the dems raise corporate taxes to 99%. after proclaiming corporations as engines of free markets i realize the locomotives will do anything to save their own hides. it's profit over people no meter how coordinators they hire. they know adding a diversity fun run to whatever history month is currently being celebrated with stoke the woke in human resources. it's the way of doing business. it's no different than a store putting up a blm sign, because they are scared. it's time to return the favor.
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that's our job. to scare the people who delight in scaring you. sort of like an enforcer on a hockey team. it's time to turn this one-way road into a two-way street. think of it as part of biden's infrastructure package except it's real and it costs several trillion dollars less. let's welcome tonight's guest. [applause] starting tomorrow she's one of the go hosts of outnumbered, former white house press secretary, kale -- creator and host she's good at catching rodents with her feet.
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he can turn that frown upside-down. literally he'll lift you up by your feet and turn you upside-down. >> kayleigh, first, i have to say, it's great to see you here. you've come a long way. >> it's great to be with you. >> i used to work on the 18th floor in a crafty office that was always under construction. i think they wanted something to fall on me. but you would always walk by, and she was with the huckabee staff, and they looked like a normal staff, and there came you i can like you were hosting huckabee. >> where do you think i got my points? i heard your brilliant musings. >> greg: that's a complete lie. what do you think of these woke corporations? >> you would think the governor of georgia just legalized killing puppies which he didn't. >> no.
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>> what happens, they all of a sudden flee atlanta and the message coming out of the white house is absolutely nuts. today they were asked about the pga tournament. should that leave georgia? we have no comment on that and the state department what do you think about china, what should the companies do there about the olympics? oh, we have no comment but mlb in georgia biden says get out and they follow. >> greg: voter i.d. is somehow worse than slave labor. dave, you know what i'm concerned about, cnn. isn't their head office in atlanta? >> i'm fairly certain that anyone is now allowed to walk into cnn offices in atlanta. you're allowed to go right to the elevator, press the button right to the penthouse. jeff zuckerburg is up there, the president of cnn and you're allowed to take a meeting. sure, you have to show an i.d. to literally rent a bike, to get on a plane, to buy a beer but somehow it's racist to vote. your segment on cnn and the racist stuff. that's what they have tricked us all into anything, that we all hate each other and we don't.
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>> greg: yes. >> i hate everybody. you hate everybody. >> none of the people who are upset about this bill actually read it. that would disgust me except i didn't read it either. i don't pretend. >> it will be great for atlanta's economy. to show how much you care about the people of atlanta by running business out of town. they -- people who try to cancel, what do they add except ruining things? not just for the people they cancel, that's why they call it cancel culture, the culture at large, they make it impossible to have conversations about the issues they say they want us to be talking about because people are afraid they will say something wrong or when it comes to humor they like to say like you can't joke about that or if it's something serious or harrowing, i actually think those are the things you should try the hardest to make funny. that's gotten me in trouble before, yes. but i really think that nothing
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can disarm the hardest stuff and make it less scary than humor and we can't make people too afraid to try. >> what a beautiful thought. [applause] >> are you excited, first day. >> what do you make of this story? i feel like there are two new parties now. it's not left or right. it's cowards and noncowards or just looking out for yourself. that's the party now. >> when i was a kid, the saying was, when the tough gets tough, the tough get going. i never understood the whole point of when you don't like something you leave. wouldn't be it be more effective for the all-star game to be really all about registering to vote early and do all this other stuff and everyone making money. instead, we leave. could you imagine martin luther king marching and someone said something and he was like, oh, let's go. pack it up. come on. let's take this party to colorado. that's not how it works. and hunter biden thing, what's
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sad to me is, when someone goes to addiction, you should never make fun of it. you should support them especially when they are willing to talk about it and own it. he talks about it but he doesn't own it. you don't ever tell it -- when you think about, you can imagine seeing a little greg crawling for the carpet looking for stuff and it's a heartwarming thing. we're all laughing and then greg tries to make a joke out of it, i had so much parmesan cheese. it was crack. he was doing crack. you did horrible things to your family because you were on crack but he's still not admitting it. he's making jokes which means he's not there yet and he shouldn't be doing interviews until he's ready to come clean. yes, i did horrible things when i was addicted to drugs. yes, i used my father's name to advance myself. so i could -- the interview is awash. talk to us when you're ready. >> greg, is this -- that's not
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parmesan cheese right there. >> wouldn't parmesan cheese ruin a crack pipe. >> greg: can i say we're devoting an entire segment to that in the next block and i want to commend us foreshadowing that segment. i said this earlier on a show called "the five." to your point about the league, how great would it have been if they just started operation warp speed for free i.d.'s. if you can do it with a vaccine why can't you do it with i.d.'s? >> joe biden also did not read the bill. chuck schumer says come here, mlb. you only have nine early voting days here. they have 17 in georgia. you need people to read things. >> you know what you need to pick up tickets at will call at baseball game? >> not to be a racist. >> now i'm just going to show up at will call and say my name is smith. >> or elvis. >> there you go.
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>> greg: it wasn't the cheese that brought him to his knees. hunter biden spoke to cbs this weekend to promote his memoir. the interview covered a bunch of topics like his past drug use. >> i spent more time on my hands and knees picking through rugs smoking anything that even remotely resembled crack
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cocaine. i probably smoked more parmesan cheese than anyone -- anyone that you know, i'm sure. >> greg: oh, man, picking through rugs. is he talking about his dad's hair? on his hands and knees. it sounds like his father trying to board air force one, am i right? [applause] >> greg: then he was asked about being on the board of a ukrainian company while his dad was v.p. and involved in u.s. policy towards ukraine. did he make a mistake in taking a spot on that board? >> no, i don't think i made a mistake in taking a spot. i think i made a mistake in terms of underestimating the way in which it would be used against me. >> greg: maybe he thought it was a cheese board. >> you must have seen the optics, even back then, you must
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have -- how could you not have foreseen that this was going to look bad? >> because i really didn't. i'm being as honest with you as i possibly can. all i know is that not one investigative body, not one serious journalist has ever come to the conclusion highway anything wrong or my father has done anything wrong. >> greg: you know, he's right. burisma is really bad at hiring board members. joe what do you have to say about this? >> hunter didn't do anything wrong except smoke a little parmesan. i would never do that i prefer smoked guda cheese. i never understood this crime anyway. they say he left his laptop computer in a store. what is that, anyway? computers are big. the day they make they will small enough to fit in your lap
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is the day they make a car to run on electricity. >> greg: dave, what do you make of this? why is he doing this now? >> that's the weird part, right? we weren't allowed to talk about hunter biden. we were censoring hunter biden so twitter just obliterated "the new york post" story. we weren't allowed to talk about the laptop. nothing to see here. now the guy is literally admitting he smokes parmesan cheese from the market. but joe biden, this is not joe. joe biden has multiple times referred to him as the smartest guy he knows. wouldn't you say, if you've smoked that much crack, that you're in the carpet, like maybe that disqualifies you from the list. >> greg: unless joe knows a lot of stupid people. the i.q. level for his friends is not very high. cat -- here's the thing about hunter that bothers me the most.
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he gives drug use a bad name. it seems to me that like, a lot of people use drugs and don't become hunter biden so it's more about hunter biden that it is the drug. >> absolutely agree. i also think just joe biden is the worst kind of hypocritical when it comes to this, right? because i don't think that being a drug addict or even a drug user makes you a bad person or -- at all. joe biden talks all the time about that with regards to his son, and how he should have all of this grace, which i would agree with, if he did not have all of these actions showing that only applied in his mind to his son. he co-sponsored the anti-abuse act in 1986, created the crack versus cocaine sentencing disparity. locked up so many people, mostly black men, for doing the same thing that hunter was doing, so
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hunter deserves grace but all of these other people don't even deserve their freedom. [ bleep ] [applause] >> greg: the white lady makes a good point. >> hunter has had -- if it was a black kid, he would be in scale for life right now but hunter, he's got biden privilege. >> plus any time you ask a parent, and i'll give the president a little slack here, it's hard when you're talking about your own kid. >> yes, yes. >> you've got to come up with things. like if someone tells me, how about your son as an actor. he's really smart. that's all i've got so i give him a little break there but here's the thing and i go back to this, when you're on crack, you're going to make bad decisions. >> yes. >> you can't say in the mornings i'm a vacuum cleaner on my carpet for anything, but then after i brush my teeth and turn
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my day around i'm a board member making good decisions. >> i think i smoke more parmesan cheese than anyone makes a great cover letter. >> i like three pieces, extra parmesan, and are you holding? i don't think parmesan cheese and crack ever come together. i think the only time it ever came together was when richard pryor did it, and it blew up. >> you know what it is? we're not entertaining one thought that maybe he might be the most successful crack head ever. that he's just -- like if he had been doing crack he would be even more successful. >> also, if you're smoking all that crack, are you really eating that much pasta? >> i love -- >> i haven't heard that about crack. >> i love how he came to the conclusion that no serious journalist has ever said he did anything wrong. the guy, literally, what was it, $80,000 per month, to do a job
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as a consultant for something he had no qualification more except who is his dad again. >> and he says he doesn't remember if he dropped off the laptop to the shop owner well, when you're sniffing parmesan cheese off the carpet maybe you don't, but guess what, we can figure it out that it was his laptop. thousands of pictures of you, your name is on the fortunately when you drop it off. i'm not surprised you don't remember hunter, but anyone with a brain cell knows indeed it was your laptop. >> and poor money management. >> yes. >> he was making millions of dollars and still was on the ground. if you were managing your money right, should you have plenty of money for crack. i don't think he was buying anything else. let's be real. he didn't drop off the laptop. he exchanged the laptop. >> some of that ravioli money. >> some people do in addiction, they do horrible things to feed the beast and i'm sure maybe, he
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didn't drop it off. you know what i'm saying? so i get it. he probably doesn't remember that because he was on crack and doing a lot of things and if people are being real about what they do for drugs -- >> you're -- up next, cuomo is on the hook. on how he wrote his book. ♪♪ tex-mex. tex-mex. ♪♪ termites. go back up! hang on! i am hanging on. don't mess up your deck with tex-mex. terminix. hi. the only way to nix it is to terminix it. i had saved up some money and then found the home of my dreams.
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top aide melissa reportedly attended meetings with publishers and edited early versions of the book. if true he likely violated state ethics rules which would come as a shock to thousands of nursing home residents if they weren't already dead. anyway, he could face a hefty fine plus lose the $4 million which could buy a lot of prop size q tips. for more let's go live to andrew cuomo. [weird sounds] i'm sorry but that's way more adorable than andrew cuomo. >> greg: he said a lot of bad things, sexual harassment, but $4 million, that will keep me up tonight. you know, when you die in new york, you really die in new york. i mean, i had a bad month, but, wow!
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was anything that he did on the up and up? this guy literally, there were echos of people, they were whispering, to president biden that he might have to step aside because this guy is next. he's got it. no. whoever his staff is, we need to find out who that person is because they are a go getter. they write books. they cover stuff up. i mean -- whoever this staff is, step out. take a bow. you literally carried what's really a diabolical criminal to the point where he was almost the democratic nominee. where is this staff? show yourself. >> there is only one thing that can safe him now, which is smoking parmesan. >> this is never going to go away. >> dave, he was the bell of the ball. he was winning emmys. that's why he got the book deal, and they were shaping him up to be the next president. >> great people like robert de
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niro and whoopi goldberg and ben stiller said nice things about him on his birthday. he's a hero. chris has now said i've decided to be a journalist and i'm not going to do my silly interviews with the big q tips and everything, even though he did his little theater thing. remember when chris came out of the basement, i had covid, in the basement, sweaty, and it turned out that he got into a fight with a bike, and what did he do, punch the guy? >> they should have done that on easter. >> that was some religious joke that didn't go over well. >> this guy, i mean, we felt it in the trump administration. he was a wonder boy and every day, his 10 a.m. press conference was compared to president trump's 3:00 or 4:00 p.m. press conferences. having staffers write books for him and another point, to your
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point about biden this guy said there is no room in the pandemic for politics and went out and got them to do a pull as to how he was performing compared to fauci, biden. this story is nuts and the story keeps getting worse and worse. [applause] >> greg: please do. the thing that drives me nuts is the way that he pronounces words when he's talking to you. because he thinks you're so slow, that he has to like make sure you understand it, like he's feeding a baby bird the words, kat. >> it's interesting to me like he loves to do crimes, i guess. and, he can't follow the rules but he spent the entire pandemic making so many rules for everyone who lives in new york. like he's living a life of saying, you can't have 11 people in your home. he's basically like an outlaw. knees a cowboy cat, quick gun,
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andy crow, except for the way he governs. >> right. >> i truly don't understand how he can love to do so many crimes but then make all of these rules for other people. [applause] >> you remember during the lockdowns when he announced that chicken wings don't count as a meal. he literally did that. he didn't want people going to bars. >> sorry, i can't take this bashing. the reason why he talks slow and i would talk slow if i loved the sound of my own voice. i don't. if i ever hear my own voice i feel like i have marbles in my mouth so i don't like to hear the sound of my voice. does anyone like the sound of your voice when you hear knit he loved it so much he talked slow to enjoy it. >> that's a good point. >> and he puts the words on the screen. >> that was great. >> the words are on the screen during his press conference. >> that was amazing. that was like, that's a man who thought that this stuff needed to be seen. he's never going to resign, though, you know why? he understands the news cycle. he knows all he has to do is outlast it and he's outlast
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>> greg: all right. we're back with the greatest panel ever. put together on tv and it's not these people. it's these people. >> the pedal within a paddle. >> greg: we've been on the air for about five years now, actually half an hour, and the time has flown. i thought what a great time to ask some expert judges about how i'm doing so far. joining us to weigh in, america's newsroom coanchor -- [applause] >> greg: the host of the tucker carlson tonight show.
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today on fox nation, tucker carlson. >> oh, wait. >> greg: so bill hemmer couldn't make it? all right. fox and friends co-host brian kilmeade. >> i want you to be honest. you've watched more than a few blocks. what did you make of it so far? >> first of all, you just stole my first joke because i can't believe that i stayed up three hours past my bedtime to watch this. you might consider moving this show back to 3:00 a.m., where you belong, and maybe post it on youtube or something. that was actually quite successful, the old red eye. also, i wore orange to match your logo and i realize now you seem to have stolen it from garfield the cat, and now the legal department has called.
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you're 25 minutes into your first show and we already have our first lawsuit. i wrote down some -- two for charisma. out of 10. >> greg: out of 10. >> two for preparation. two for delivery. and how did i come up with that number? >> greg: i don't know. >> because two is your shoe size. [applause] although i also have to say i was very impressed that kayleigh mcenany knows less than i do about drugs and i salute you. >> greg: well. that hurt. all right. tucker. what do you think so far of this show? >> tucker: well. if you stay around fox don't mess with dana. it's your first show, i don't
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want to be critical. there are some highlights. i want to start with something almost nobody ever acknowledges, your studio audience. there is not a lot of falsifying. there is a lot of restraint. some chuckling, you know what i mean? so far that, for the kind of realistic nature of their responses, i give them a 10. you go to your audience. i also want to complement kat for the revel -- revelation about parmesan cheese. [cross talking] >> tucker: to admit that you've smoked parmesan cheese through a crack pipe, you go, kat. i'm going to a party with you. i know you're asking, and you're like what about the guy whose name was on the show?
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the anchor, as it were. i just want to say i'm not being critical. i like the exclamation points. emphatic, bold. i'm just thinking of that punctuation mark and i want to affirm it with another one. and i'll stop there. >> i have not smoked parmesan cheese. catnip is another story and that was an accident. >> greg: mr. kilmeade, what are your thoughts on this show? >> i'm not going to stoop to giving numbers. i don't have a figure skating background. i haven't been to international competitions, but i'll say this. a little bit too much of you. i wish there wasn't such emphasis on you and my problem was i had such high hopes for the show. i went up to you last week and i said you're going to do great and then i watched it and i'm thinking to myself what was i thinking? there is one thing i noticed about late night television, they don't criticize each other
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anymore. they go on each other's shows. they host each other on award's shows and within three minutes you alienated jimmy fallon, jimmy -- and you alienated baseball, brian williams and cnn. you're supposed to be unifying everybody. i see an a plus panel. a legitimate audience. a legitimate laugh track. and i see you, greg, and i'm saying to myself, is there going to be a guest host, let's say you get injured or run a fever, everything is there, the set is there, i just don't hear the questions, punctuation, it's all just below average, and i wish it could be different. >> wow! [applause] my favorite story of the day next.
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>> greg: the shipping may be free but their workers have to wee. there is a reason why amazon door drivers are not touching
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your door bell. this all started when a wisconsin congressman tweeted that the company paid workers $15 per hour. does it make you a progressive workplace when you're union and make workers urinate in water bottles to which amazon replied, you don't really believe the peeing in bottles thing, do you? several drivers came forward to say yes, they peaked in bottles. so amazon walked it back and said it was focused on the warehouse, not the drivers. i agree it can be hard to find a public rest room especially when your road trip buddy is as lazy as my roommate jeff. >> oh, to be that cat. >> kat. >>
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they are driving, they have to use facilities. i don't even know how to discuss the spirit speak of that was an excellent question, greg. look, what do the check drivers do? if i was going to try to into a bottle, i would just on myself and to -- i would end up peeing on myself. >> i don't know if this is the topic for the first show. >> on the topic, i have to tell you this. i had just one thing. my daughter has been learning bad behavior from you. i could you not come i have a video of her. so this is just reinforcing that behavior behavior. >> could have said so many other things that could've got me
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fired. the fact that it was a normal biological function, dave. did you have any sympathy for amazon? >> i don't have any sympathy see, i want to think the producers here at "gutfeld!." the system they built into these so we can while we are talking to you -- i'm not even a move. >> you have a system? i've got to use that. >> there has to be an invention. i've seen them and mail order, but there has to be a way to solve this problem. america is made of roads. and this is a problem that's been around for years and no one is fixing that. >> america is made of roads by greg. >> i got it, you have to make your time. if you get out of the car and go on the side of the highway, somebody's going to see it and take a picture of it and you are done because you are exposing yourself to the public.
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see you don't want to do that either. so they do the best thing they can. >> did you see the excuses? we thought you were talking about the supply line that's why we denied this happening. >> you drive and you have to make that time. you now. >> because i have solutions all the time, it was the third amendment. >> the third of management, yes. >> require the quartering of troops for more. i think we need a new amendment. if you are a driver for amazon or ups, the people in the community are obliged to elect two guys, let them use the restroom. [laughter] >> i do that anyway. do you want to hang out for a little bit? that's sad, very sad. i don't know. i have nothing else to say about this, dave. if you have anything you want to wrap up.
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>> i will just say, if you liked it, i was serious. if you did not, i was joking. >> that's a good model for life. all right, tyrus. >> we have a busy week. the american newsroom tomorrow. outnumbered on tuesday. i'm busy, i'm back. i'm happy to be back in the real world. >> is this the real world? or is it just fantasy? caught in a landslide. no escape from reality. open your eyes. i can't remember the rest. easy come, easy go. thank you studio audience. we will be back here tomorrow. shannon bream is next. i am greg gutfeld and i love you, america.
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[cheers and applause] ♪ ♪ >> shannon: hello and welcome to "fox news at night," i am shannon bream in washington paired our brand-new time and almost brand-new show. stay with us tonight and every night, got some new stuff for you. you will be glad you did. ♪ ♪ >> it's con. >> shannon: it's opening night in texas at the 100% capacity crowd. amid the glare of politics, it's a showdown with the weak over

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