tv The Daily Show With Trevor Noah Comedy Central August 3, 2022 1:12am-2:00am PDT
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[♪♪] >> coming to you fr new york city, the only city in america, it's "the daily show." tonight: nancy pelosi is a jetsetter. taking down terrorists. and ms. pat! this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: what's going on, everybody? welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. thank you so much for tuning in. thank you for coming out in person. thank you for being here, everybody. we are going to have a fun, fun
show for you tonight. take a seat. take a seat. there are so many things happening in the news-- president biden is killing it. nancy pelosi is going to get us all killed. and donald trump has endorsed twins! so, let's do this, people, let's jump straight into today's headlines. ( applause ) all right, before we get into the big stories, let's catch up on a few other things that are going on in the world. first up, a passenger on a flight from bali to australia was fined more than $1800 for having two undeclared egg mcmuffins in their luggage. ( laughter ) and honestly, i don't know if they'll be able to pay for that, you know. no, because, i mean, the type of person who saves egg mcmuffins for later probably doesn't plan and have $1800 lying around for fines, you know what i mean? apparently, australia is very concerned about bringing in food
from indonesia because there's an outbreak of foot and mouth disease. when i saw this, i was like, damn, do you know how proizinous you have to be to be banned from australia. their border patrol is like, killer spiders, right this way. egg mcmuffin! that can really hurt someone! some sports news, the head of the saudi arabian golf tour revealed today that tiger woods turned down a $700 million offer to play for their league. yeah. turned it down. ( applause ) yeah, kudos to tiger woods. that is-- that is really amazing. all these other golfers just taking the money from saudi arabia. but tiring stood up. he's like, no. i would do the same thing. in fact, saudi arabia, offer me that $700 million. you'll see. put it in my bank account. you'll see what i will do. the rest of you won't see me again. here's something fascinating. a major new study of 72 million people has found that poor
children are much more likely to move up the economic ladder if they have friends who are rich. yeah. i know, which seems kind of obvious. i feel like they didn't need to do a whole study. they could have justice watched "fresh prince." but still, now we know statistically that poor kids do better with rich friends, which shows you why it's so important to have different zoning when it comes to housing, to have schools that are integrated, you know. gets people on the same trajectory. on the down side it means you have some kids coming back demanding weird snacks, you know. "daddy, theodore has prosciutto-wrapped melon balls." "theodore sounds like a little bitch. eat your cheese stick. let's move on to the big news of the day, because there is a lot of it, a lot of news, starting with china, the original "build the wall" country. since xi jinping rose to power in 2013, the communist regime has been increasing its
influence around the world. they have been claiming territory in disputed waters and creating the perfect algrhythm to get us all hooked on pink sauce. one thing china wants more than anything is for the world to knowledge that they own taiwan. which is why they've gotten super pissed off at where nancy pelosi just booked her expedia trip. >> house speaker nancy pelosi has arrived in taiwan. the speaker arriving really just moments ago for a visit which has been controversial and speculated about for weeks now. >> she says that the congressional delegation's visit is part unwavering commitment to support taiwan's vibrant democracy. >> in the past few days, china launching the most aggressive military exercises in 25 years, accusing the u.s. of interfering in its internal affairs. >> chinese president xi jinping warned president biden in a call last week about the u.s. meddling in the contested territory. with chinese officials reportedly communicating those who play with fire will perish
by it. >> two weeks ago, president biden had warned the u.s. military did not want pelosi to go. >> i think that the military thinks it's not a good idea right now. .>> trevor: yeah, i would agree! ( laughter ) now is not a great time to start world war iii. i mean, the world has so many other things to deal with right now-- all the drama on "love island," i can't believe this couple. are you serious? it's crazy that pelosi just ignored biden like that. i mean, i assume she ignored him. maybe she just couldn't understand him? he was like, listen, jack, don't skedaddle over the taiwanese. you read me, skipper." and she's like, "you got it, joe, i'm on my way." "no!" because pelosi has defied chinese warnings not to visit taiwan, the chinese government is conducting military exercises in taiwan's backyard, which is a scary escalation.
but at the same time, when you think about it, it's also kind of ridiculous that countries do this. they fly their planes past, aim their guns, but they don't shoot. it's scary but it's also ridiculous. it's like threatening someone standing outside their house, "you want to mess with me. look what i'm capable of! imagine this is your face! yeah, think about what you did." ( laughter ) but let's move on from the war america may be about to start to the one it is still trying to finish, the war on terror. as you know, it started on september 11, 2001, when the twin towers were destroyed by george w. bush. i'm kidding! i'm kidding! i'm kidding! it was dick cheney. no, no! i'm-- no. ( applause ) it was al qaeda. it was al qaeda. and the plotters of the attack included osama bin laden, shaik mohammed and ayman al-zawahiri. america swore revenge and over
the next 20 years america killed bin laden, captured shaik mohammed, invaded afghanistan and iraq, bombed pakistan, syria, yemen, somalia, and libya. deployed troops to mali, kenya, and nigeria, and completely obliterated the big shampoo bottle industries. only tiny bottles for you! ( laughter ) but in that whole time, the u.s. never managed to find ayman al-zawahiri. until yesterday. >> the u.s. has now killed the world's top teor target measure 20 years after 9/11, the hunt for bin laden's number two is now over. >> he has been in hiding for more than 20 years, one of the world's most-wanted terrorists. but tonight, the united states finally caught up with ayman al-zawahiri. >> justice has been delivered, and this terrorist leader is no more. >> senior officials say the u.s. government used an unmanned
drone and hellfire missiles to target the third-floor balcony of a residential apartment building in downtown kabul. >> experts say hellfire missiles do not explode. instead, the missiles are equipped with razor-like blades extending from the fuselage, which sliced through a target. >> it will go through and essentially vaporize a human body, but somebody standing within feet of this person would not be injured at all. >> a senior administration official saying authorities spent months observing ayman al-zawahiri's patterns to avoid civilians. it killed him on a balcony without harming any family members in the building. >> trevor: goddamn! ( laughter ) america clipped the world's most wanted terrorist off of his safe house balcony? i mean, also, at this point maybe we should stop calling them "safe houses." every terrorist gets killed in a safe house. they should call it a house that
you think you're safe nbut you never know. what's crazy is america didn't just kill him. they killed him with a razor blade missile, which i didn't even know was a thing. did you? i didn't know. the weapons americas has sound like things kids just make up on the playground. "i'm shooting you with a laser gun and missile with razor blades." meanwhile the c.i.a. is up in a tree, "with a shark's body. did you get that, boys. we've got to go make one of those." razor blade missile-- that's especially genius, because if it hits, you kill the target. but even if it missed him by a little, he gets a really shitty haircut. ( laughter ) that's just as good. no one is going to be loyal to a guy with a bowl cut. i will say, when you see stories like this, when you see stories about what america is capable of, this is where you realize there is really no excuse for the amount of domestic terrorism in america. plbecause al-zawahiri lived all
the way in afghanistan in some random safe house in the middle of nowhere, and america knew what time of day he liked to go out on to his balcony. but when a white supremacist posts on facebook he's going to murder everyone and buys an ar-15, everyone goes, "there was no way to stop this. if only he liked balconies." and i know some people are saying, "who cares? america killed al qaeda's leader, but al qaeda isn't even in the game anywhere. this is like take out tom from myspace." that's not the point. the point is america never forgets. unless it's slavery. but everything else-- ( laughter ) america never forgets. ( applause ) you thought it was over. america came back. america's a kid who never stops playing hide and seek decades after the game is done. you're at a retirement party giving a speech, and america pops up behind you, "found you,
bitch." "i'm with my grandkids!" "not anymore." still, this is one hell of a strike. they got him with a-- i'm still stuck on this, a missile filled with swords. this is how i know i'm not cut out with the war room and the things you need to be chandener chief. if i was in that room, i would not have been able to keep my cool in there. all right, target acquired, mr. president. they say contact in three, two, one. oh, shit! oh! oh! did you see the swords! the swords are coming out! they're like fruit ninja! how are you watching this? you're not going to flinch? nobody is going to flinch? i'm the only one. you all act like you've seen missiles with swords. i'm the only one. you see that shit? that shit was wild. that was crazy. that missile knew it could find anyone. even you, kamala. i'm just playing, but where are you hiding?
oh, shit, that was crazy. ( cheers and applause ). finally-- today was a big day for the midterm primary season with a lot of closely watched races that will tell us a lot about the direction of the republican party. you know, will it be filled with crazy extremists who worship donald trump look a god? or will it be filled with traditional conservatives, who worship donald trump like a god? and one race that everyone is talking about is the republican senate race in missouri. and the reason it's getting so much attention is because donald trump decided to give one of the weirdest endorsements of all time. >> it is primary day in america. former president trump hedging his bets in a missouri senate race, simply endorsing eric, a first name shared by two rival republican candidates. >> trump has triggered confusion in missouri after endorsing eric in the state primary without providing a last name. there are two erics in the race.
both eric greitens who has been accused of abuse and blackmail, and eric schmidt, the current attorney general have claimed the endorsement as their own. >> now both erics are saying the former president is supporting them. each posted a statement online thanking trump for his endorsement. a source close to the former president told nbc news leaving off the last name of the eric he was endorsing was intentional saying it was "an epic troll." >> trevor: just when you think you've seen it all from donald trump, he does something like this. there are two erics running against each other in the primary, and trump put out a statement endorsing eric. ( laughter ) just eric. he could be supporting any eric in the world. well, not any eric. but you know what i mean. you know. i'm not his father. ( laughter ) to me, the best part of the story is that before he made the announcement, trump called eric schmidt and told him that he was getting the endorsement. then he called eric greitens and
told him he was getting the endorsements. but he didn't mention to either of them that he was endorsing both of them. yeah. what an asshole. ( laughter ) turns out the dude even brings infidelity into his endorsements. he's the first politician to have a side eric. ( applause ) "you're the only eric for me, eric. don't listen to those other erics. they're just jealous." that's it for the headlines. it's time to check in on the latest social media trends with ronny chieng, everybody! ( cheers and applause ) so good to see you, ronny. so, what's happening online? what's trending? >> another day in hell, trevor. i guess what's trending today is what? what is it? what is it today? oh, tuesday vibes. whatever that means. and when you have a ph.d. in stupid, maybe you can explain it to me, okay. as far as i'm concerned, every
day on the internet is #stupid vibes. even you, trevor, participating in this. what is this? trevor noah, three days till the weekend! ( applause ) prayer emojy. oh, pray your hands. even if god heard you, he would be like, "what am i supposed to do with this." i'm going to start a new internet challenge. it's called the "smash the phone against your face challenge." you take your own phone and smash it on your face. >> trevor: rone, ronny, ronny, okay, ronny, first of all, i don't know why you keep going after my social media posts. secondly, if you hate the internet, you realize you don't have to do this segment, right? >> what are you talking about? i live for this shit. ( applause ) and, by the way, by the way, that guy who got a fine for bringing mcdonald's mcmuffins into australia. that punishment wasn't harsh enough. they should have given him the
death penalty. >> trevor: what? >> what kind of idiot brings mcdonald to another country! every country has mcdonald. there's a mcdonald's in every airport. is that-- yo, most airports now are just a mcdonald's. it's like we're just flying from mcdonald's to mcdonald's. and he smuggled it in his luggage. yo, smuggle it up your ass, like a professional. okay. tiger woods didn't take the money from the saudi golf-- whatever. >> trevor: yeah. >> tiger, asian to asian, yo, take the money. take the money. i'm telling you, take it. i-- i-- always take the 99 from the worst people in the world, okay. because what better way to punish each-doers than to take their money. yeah! take their money! i take everyone's money. >> trevor: no, what? >> oil companies, big tobacco, isis, comedy central. if i don't take the money, bad people will just have more
money. all right. in fact, in fact, next week i got asked to judge an episod of the "mask singer" in north korea. you should come with me trevor. they really want you. >> trevor: no, ronny, i told you, i am not going to north korea, ronny. >> trevor: you just want a dictator to keep all his blood money. you're basically funding terrorism. >> no, i'm not. >> get off nancy pelosi's back. she's causing world three. good, we need world war iii. >> trevor: honey, how you can say that? >> easily, trevor, we need world war iii to complete the trilogy. okay? what if-- ( applause ) -- what if "lord of the rings" ended at number two. we would be like are these guys gay or not? we'd never know. aren't you sick of all the world war ii movies. we need something new. we need fresh ideas here. china versus america-- tons of roles for asian actors. actors who can do everything. actors who can do intense!
or sad! ( crying ) or happy! yay! if you cared about asian representation, trevor, you would support world war toy three. anyway, that's what's happening. #tuesdayvibes. >> trevor: ronny chieng, everybody. no world war iii. when we come back, we're going to be chatting with a civil rights lawyer who tells us why public safety doesn't mean more cops. so don't go away.
( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my first guest is an award-winning civil rights lawyer and founder of civil rights corps. he's here to talk about the bail sholding judges and police accountable and finding a nonpunitive approach to public safety. please welcome alec karakatsanis. how are you? >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much. welcome to the show. you have a really interest are story, alec, because you worked as a public defender. you have worked in the justice system for a long time. you're part of many organizations that fight for people who incarcerated, unjustly or where they can never find their way out of the system which is unjust in a different way. a lot of notoriety has come from your twitter threads in how you break down the world, the way we see policing in the country, and
the way even liberal organizations, funny enough, are part of the problem. let's start with that part. what made decide to not be looking at fox news, not be looking at right-wing outlets but rather say "new york times," "l.a. times" "washington post," you need to change the way you talk about policing in america. >> i began this work because i care so deeply about safety, everyone's safety. i care about violence in our communities. and as i was going around the country fighting these injustices, the cash bail spolice abuse-- all over the country we're run running into obstacles. and one of the main obstacles was the status quo approach many progressives have. we're bombarded constantly in the media with koppa-ganda. the first function of copaganda is narrow our perception of what safety means. we're told about all these threats, but the threats they
want us to be focused on, are not the things that most determine our safety. you have seen all over want country, conversations about retail theft, or a wave of crime. what you don't hear is about the epidemic of wage theft. wage theft costs $50 billion every single year. ( applause ) wage theft alone is about five times the value of all robbery, burglary, larceny, shoplifting combined. and why are we not hearing about it? i think it's because you have this law enforcement system-- i use that system in quotes because police want us to call them law enforcement-- but in reality they only enforce some laws against some people some of the time. ( applause ). >> trevor: so let's talk about that. you know, there's a disconnect that feels like sometimes in the conversations we have in america, because on the one hand, many people will agree that law enforcement needs overwatch. many people agree that law enforcement that isn't in some way regulated by an outside body
will run rampant. but at the same time, there are many communities who will still say, "yes, but we still need some form of law enforcement. we need some form of justice. we need some form of protection." and this is something that almost goes beyond law enforcement as we know it in the world today. so what is an argument for a better world that doesn't subscribe to the notions of how people think law enforcement needs to exist now? >> let's just start with some of the very basic facts that we know. if we care about safety, care about harm, the number one thing we need to do is address the actual root causes of violence and harm in our society. the actual root causes of harm in our society are not the fact that we're not policed enough, right. we have the most police of any society, the most prisons, prosecutions, courts, judges, probation, parole. if probation, parole, prosecutors, judges, and courts, if money spent on that made us safe we would have the safest society in the history of the world. ( applause ) we don't. what actually matters, what
actually matters for our safety is investing in things like reducing poverty. safe, permanent supportive housing. healthcare. public health. >> trevor: i completely agree with you on that. you know, i'm a firm believer in that. i think it's the cause versus the symptom. there is a confusing element that i think often gets overlooked and it's the transition. you know, i see it when people talk about electric cars. i see it when people talk about policing. and it's the unfortunate truth that there is always going to be a transition from one system to another. unless there is a revolution that happens overnight, there needs to be a transition. what do you propose for the transition in between. because we do have police now. there are un unions that are vey powerful, even the police say we can't say anything. the union is controlling how this is doled out. what do you do for the interim. you and i will agree on all of that. those are long-term solutions. but in the short term what do you think we can do to keep people safe and also find a way to move the system over? the good thing is we know
exactly what works and we have a lot of evidence. anyone who tells us that the solution, in the shorter and medium term is more funding for police. it's like climate denial. permanent supportive housing, safe consumption sites resor stiff justice, investing in safe places for communities to gather, early childhood education. all of these things work and they work quickly. the problem is we don't have the political power. often what happens if we identify, like in our work, these enormous injustices. there are 500,000 human beings in cages right now in this country because they can't afford cash to get out. what happens? a lot of prominent establishment liberals propose a reform. but the reforms being propose read backed by those same interests that created the current problem. we're constantly being hit with short- and medium-hit solutions that exacerbate the problem.
take the bail system. if you care about the presumption of innocence about people being taken away from their children because they can't make a monetary payment, millions of children separated e year, you want to fix this problem. enter the establishment democrats. what do they do in most of these cities. they're trying to replace the cash bail with electronic monitoring. this is enormously profitable. there are billions of dollars to be made with private corporations who want to convert our system of mass incarceration to electronic detention. >> trevor: as i say i've always admire the fact you almost have a "start at home" approach. you aren't fighting with conservatives or republicans who believe in that. you're challenges them to follow through. my question to you then would be for the media specifically, who you have a targeted focus on, for the newspapers for the publications, what do you think is a change they could make
overnight. because they're-- that's completely in house. what is something they could do right now that could present a clearer vision of where america should be? >> i think there are a few things. number one, as i wrote in my newsletter recently, cover the things that are most threatening to our health and safety. cover the 100,000... ( applause ) cover the 100,000 violations of the clean water act every year that are killing children, that are killing families. did you know that... ( applause ) there are 100,000 deaths in the u.s. alone, 10 million across the globe because of air pollution? that is five times the number of homicides in the u.s. alone. do you know how many people, tens of thousands, die from eviction and predatory lending practices that put people into poverty? these are solvable problems. we know how to solve them. but the people in this country don't treat them urgently. and the reason is because the volume of news stories, the sheer volume every single day is about shoplifting this isolated crime, that isolated crime. we're not talking about the
threat to our existence, like the rise of fascism. or, fore, the growing right-wing threat in this country to reproductive health. did you realize that-- ( applause ) when-- you know, i've been looking and studying very carefully about how the media is covering joe biden's current request for 100,000 new cops. when i see liberal democrats both in newsrooms and politics talking about that this isn't a big deal. we need to pass 100 cops just to have a little bit of talking points and success for the midterms. understand this: voters who care abouta that and what a right-wing fascist force taking over our society are going to vote for the republicans anyway. people who care about building and investing in communities are looking for leadership on things that we actually know work. like better schools, early childhood education, programs in communities run by the people who are most impacted by these problems. >> trevor: i will say this, though-- before i let you go, and i know i have to let you go.
i will say this, this is where i will disagree with you slightly. time and time again, you'll find when you actually look at voting blocs, people do not have access to that information, and so they do not vote accordingly. people will say, "you know what? i just want crime in nigh neighborhood to go down. i feel like the democrats are not serious about crime. i feel like we need better cops or more cops. i feel like maybe because they don't have the information or haven't be3n given any possible solution that isn't policing. i think there's a difficult disconnect that may go back to, if they read about it, if they see tthey would think about it as a possibility. alec, thank you so much for joining me on the show. and hopefully we'll chat again. you can sign up for his newsletter for free. stay tuned, when we come back, the hilarious ms. pat will be joining us on the show. don't go away. thank you, again.
( cheers and applause ) a>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guest is a very funny comedian here to talk about his hit bet series "the ms. pat show." >> i know you loved us, and i love you, too. and i know you did your best, but your best wasn't always good enough. rest easy, mom. ♪ ♪ ♪ >> what the ( bleep ) is that supposed to mean? ( cheers and applause ) >> trevor: please welcome ms. pat! ( cheers and applause ) welcome, welcome, welcome, welcome. ( cheers and applause ) ms. pat, welcome to "the daily show." >> thank you for having me.
i've been trying to get here for years. i made it. >> trevor: what do you mean you made it? i feel like i made it talking to you. first things first, congratulations. it is so rare for a new show to come out in this flooded scmarkt get recognition that yours has. congratulations on the emmy nomination for your show. >> thank you, thank you. ( applause ). >> trevor: it-- i don't know how to explain your show to people. i go it's hilarious. it is also engaging. it feels like a sitcom but for grown folk. like, if you told me-- if you pitched to me and said, "i'm going to make a show that's about a life of selling crack, formerly selling crack, and sexual assault, and also struggling as a single mother and it's all going to be funny." i would be like, "that's impossible." but you did it. i would love to know how. how did you think i can make all of this funny? >> the show was in the work for five years with lee daniels and we went through three writers ws and he found somebody who could catch my voice. i'm a comedian. and he said we're going to do a
cussing s sitcom. and i'm like a cussing sitcom? i can curse. i curse in my real life. i save on saturdays. because i don't want to go to church on sunday. you have to tithe. but we-- you know, what was great about this show is we took everything that i've been through and threw it in with comedy because that's what i do with my stand-up. i take the darkest things and try to make them funny. i say you can't change the past so why cry about it. i got shot in the back of the head and made it funny. >> trevor: the audience right now is going, "wait, what?" that is exactly what you do. you use-- i mean, as comedians we understand this but it's so rare to be able to translate that to an audience. it feels authentic. you don't minimize the experiences. and every single episode of the show brings you into a world that you may not be familiar
with, but it makes you understand people. that's what i feel like your show does. it make meas understand-- someone who hasn't lived my life. >> exactly. when we take it-- and even though you haven't been through i've been through, you probably know a ms. pat, or somebody who has been through what i have been through. just because you haven't been molested don't mean nobles hasn't been molested. just because you haven't been shot doesn't mean nobles has been shot. i just put it on tv with comedy. >> trevor: you put it on tv with dom dee. you have a wonderful cast that tells amazing stories. i would love to know where you see the series going from here? >> will will show the real path of my life from a comedian. before they cut out the lights i will become a famous comedian. i'm no fool, trevor. i got an ending. before they turn out the lights, hey, let me give you the last
episode, okay? let's end this thing right. >> trevor: it is such a wild story. sometimes people will hear my story and go that doesn't sound real. it is real but it doesn't sound great. i read your story and thought this isn't real. one person couldn't have gone through all of this. what is your secret. beyond the comedy you use to process it. >> i don't dwell on things i don't have control over. i cannot change the past. >> trevor: wow. ( applause ) and i'm-- you know, i'm not a big church-going person, but i just learn when i can forgive the people who harmed me, i can start to live. so my mother, my first kid's father, who shot me in the back of the head, thorpz the two biggest devils in my life. once i forgave them, i found happiness. >> trevor: i love that. i love that. i love the show. it's an honor to have you here. come back when you have won all the emmys, all the awards, super
famous comedians. everyone should watch your netflix specials. ms. pat, thank you so much. >> thank you for having me. >> trevor: thank you so much. for upcoming stand-up dates, check out ms. pat comedy.com, and season two of the "the ms. pat show" premieres august 11 on b.e.t. we'll be right back after this. we'll be right back after this. ( applause )
so, i'm a beach side hotel. as you can see, i'm pretty relaxed. i'm looking for someone who likes sand and sun. if you have kids, i'm great with kids. so yeah, that's me. ♪ ♪ ♪ do you want some more? wait till you see me on the downhill. see you at home. enjoy advanced safety at the lexus golden opportunity sales event. ♪♪
are ( applause ) >> trevor: well, that's our show for tonight. but, before we go, before we go, i just wanted to remind you that recovery efforts are under way after record-breaking floodwaters have hit eastern kentucky. we need to help them. and the foundation for appalachian kentucky is doing all that they can to assist these efforts. so if you can, please support them and the work that they're doing at the link below. until next time, stay safe out there, and remember, if you're a terrorist who wants to get some fresh air on a balcony, maybe just buy a fan instead. now here it is, your moment of zen. >> tonight, biden gave a speech boasting that he's killed an al qaeda figure in afghanistan. great. feel safer? of coursure don't. nobody does.
they loathe the elected president so much they're incapable of acknowledging any accomplishment, no matter what it is. trump is bad. trump killed baghdady. therefore, killing baghdady was bad. that's how these purported geniuses actually think. they are purely reactive. - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪