Skip to main content

tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  November 18, 2021 1:15am-2:01am PST

1:15 am
a new sign of the times, at christmas it will be known as crypto.com arena. the crypto currency platform reportedly made will did 6 million for the naming right. >> the lakers won 6 championships, the sparks 3 title, the clippers played here too. >> it will be weird, this is, i grew up, this being staples an staples being the place to play and the place to be, kind of stripping the history here. >> trevor: well, i mean i don't know if you need to get that sentimental paul t is not like staip ems is a sacred name from the ancestors, it is a store where you buy 50 packs of binders even though you only need one, you know, you get home and find out they were the wrong size anyway. you don't need to get that nostalgic, and if you do want to get nostalgic, just wait. i promise you soon we will get crypto.com arena and in 20 years when they change that name, your kids will be upset about that.
1:16 am
back in my day, this stadium wasn't about the latest, it was about swapping blockchain currencies on a digital market exchange. it was cultural attached to it. you know? nft's. >> and this shouldn't come as a surprise but anywhere a team can advertise, they will advertise, the stadiums, the injuriesies, the court, they literally started showing commercials during free throws, do you realize, we are two months away from the nba selling name rights to the score, it will be like the game ended with a scofer 84-mountain dew, big win for the lakers or a big loss, i can't tell what is happening. can you blame the arena thoa, if people are offering you a shi it t load of money to use their name, you do it it, that is what i did. i sold my naming rights to a guy named trevor noah for 40 bucks. what you you didn't know this, do i look like a trevor, my real name is burt pakowski. >> i'm sorry, i can't stop picturing them removing the staples logo with one of those
1:17 am
giant staple removers. just a giant claw, sorry t is the edibles kicking in, i think. >> trevor: i don't even know what edibles are. let's move on from sports to music. and the woman that everyone is talking it about right now. taylor swift. pop star, songwriter, and inventor of the color red. personally i love taylor swift, huge fan, really nothing bad to say about her but even if i had something bad to say about her, i wouldn't. i wouldn't say it it because taylor swift fans are super protective of her, they are like one of those old-fashioned dads with a shotgun who doesn't want you to marry his daughter because he wants to marry her. taylor swift has been rerecording all of her old albums which means people are relistening to all of her old songs about her famous ex's and then getting mad at those ex's all over again on her behalf. and while taylor maybe content to address her old boy frents with hold lyrics and songs that again i want to stress perfect
1:18 am
in every way, some of her fans are less subtle. >> this going too far, while jake gyllenhaal is taking incoming fir from the swifties, another one of taylor's exs is being bombarded with messages now. >> a user on instagram sent john mayer a direct message telling him [bleep] yourself you ugly bitc, had, i hope you choke on something. mayer then responded to the user. saying that he had been getting many messages like that over the past couple of days, and asking do you really hope i die? to which the user responded, omg, what? i don't want you to die, i'm sorry. the user apologized again and admitted they didn't really think mayer would see the message. >> trevor: you see people this is what i hate about social media, it it makes people act shittier than they are, which makes us think that people are shittier than they are. because social media makes us forget that we are all human beings, we just see that avatar and then talk shit to each other, even celebrities are real
1:19 am
people, all of them, i don't obviously accept timothy chal-- chalamet, he has to be cgi, nobody can be that good looking. look at that person. hmmmm hmmmm hmmmm, and i know her fans are like but he hurt her. listen to her song, yes, that is all are you supposed to do, listen to the song. taylor swift writes songs to express her emotions in a way that up toes other people be, no the to order a hit on her ex boyfriend. so death threats are not the way to go, especially with someone like john mayer, death threats, get them all the time, you want to upset them tell them ed sheeran is a better guitar player that will hilt his heart it is so hateful on the internet. >> i know, you think john mayer's dm's are up, you should see the dm of any woman on the internet. >> really. >> yeah, either death threats or requests to see your feet, every time. >> just your feet. >> yeah. >> just your feet. >> or a death threat, one of the two. it is either like why are women
1:20 am
in star wars or send me a picture of your feet. >> that is really. >> which one do you prefer? >> well, i am pretty proud of my feet, so i got no problem senting foot pics. >> again, i just wondered which one. >> have you ever requested a foot pique. >> no, no. >> wow, look who is a gentleman. >> trevor: i think normal is the phrase you were looking for maybe. >> they say it it all depends but to be totally fair it is completely inappropriate for anyone to send a death threat on the internet. >> trevor: okay. >> it is not cool. >> trevor: i agree. >> you got to do it the old school way, you got to cut out from the magazine, this is the real way to do it. >> trevor: that is better than a dm? >> yeah. >> trevor: still not good. >> yeah. i always have this with me just in case.
1:21 am
i don't even know who it is for but it takes so long to do it that i figure by the time i am done i will figure it out o, i will be pissed at somebody. by the way you are out of glue. >> trevor: yeah, and all my magazines. >> this is from your book cover. >> trevor: oh, thank you, i thought you wanted it signed because you wanted to read it. >> you wrote that book? >> trevor: yeah, i did. i wrote it t let's move on to the big story from washington today. last week arizona congressman paul gosar tweeted an anime video of him chopping off aoc's head, easily the most disturbing cartoon since that family guy fanfic porn i accidentally watched seven times, brian has stamina. and democrats were so furious about this video that today they voted to censure gosar and kick him off of his committee, the first member of congress to be censured in over a decade. yeah, pretty bad. gosar, he seems to take it as a
1:22 am
badge of honor. >> i rise today to address and reject the mischaracterization, accusations from many in this body that the cartoon from my office is dangerous or threatening. if i must join alexander hamilton the first person attempt ited to be censured by this house, so be it, it is done. >> trevor: yeah, i don't know if this makes you the same as alexander hamilton thm is like jeffrey epstein girlfriend saying if i must be tried in court as jesus was, then so be it, no, lady, same process but very different crimes. now the fact is that this didn't surprise anybody. right? seeing something like this from paul gosar is not surprising because over the years gosar has made a name for himself as possibly the most controversial person in all of congress. this is pretty impressive when you think about it. so let's talk about what makes gosar one of congress' most extreme extremists in another installment of fringe watching.
1:23 am
paul gosar was first elected to congress back in 2010, riding the wave of the tea party, the movement that pretended to care about the national debt but only while obama was in officer. -- office. like many tea partyers who were elected that year, he didn't come from a career in politics, no, he was a dentist which as far as he is concerned, saw all the experience a congressman needs. >> i was a dentist so every patient that walks in my office, i have to be prepared for an emergency. >> i'm a dentist so science is a big deal to me. >> as a dentist i love the keep it simple. >> i am a dentist so i read body language very, very well. >> trevor: half of those didn't even make sense. just adding as a dentist to the beginning of unrelated thoughts, yo, i'm a dentist so can i get this dry cleaning back on tuesday. i'm a dentist, no you are working at another jorks you can't use your previous job at this job. >> i'm a dentist t would you like number two as well with that, i agree being a dentist is the perfect job to prepare you
1:24 am
for being in congress since you already have tons of experience with people hating you. but it turns out there was one party of being a dentist that gosar did bring to congress. teeth whitening instead of whiting teeth at the is trying to whiten america. >> few republicans have been more linked to extremist groups that machine gosar, involved with antimuslim groups and hate group. >> in 2019 he dined with an extrimmestst anti-muslim bell gam politicians at an event organized by steve bannon. >> last month he tweeted then deleted a reportedly neo-nazi themed video quns gosar aligned himself closely with leaders of white nationalists and extremist groups people like nick fuentes. 22 year old leader of the america first movement, the of the conservative organization denounsed him as a holocaust denier and racist. he was the keynote speaker at a conference hosted by mr. fuentes group in february. the only member of congress to participate. congressman garnlgry taylor greene along with republican
1:25 am
congressman paul gosar have been working to create a new house caucus to help return america to its quote anglo saxon roots. the document reads quote america as a nation with a border and a culture strengenned by a common respect for uniquely anglo sakson political traditions. >> trevor: i find it funny how white supremacists want to take america back to its roots but not like the original roots. you know, just like the roots of where the white people were in charge. we need to take this country back to when native americans were in charge? >> no, no, no, too far back. too far back, go forward, go forward. >> to mlk. >> no, no, too far fooshed, back, back, back. >> the irish coming over. >> stop, perfect. because let's be honest that is what he means by anglo saxon traditions, right. when he says that he is not talking about knights in armor roaming the land on quests, a although that would be pretty cool, people of arizona, i am off to slay the mighty dragon as
1:26 am
a dentist. no, the only thing that gosar loves more than whiteness is a really, really good con spirszee theory. in fact he claimed the democrats stole a senate race in 201. he claimed that the neo-nazi rally in charlottesville was a false flag operation secretly carried out by george soros and claimed that the fbi was behind the capitol right on january 6th. and the last one is especially weird because one of the people who arguably was responsible for january 6th was paul gosar. >> arizona congressman paul gosar firing up crowds with lies about the election results. >> imagine this, that you get, a go become home once we con cor the hill, donald trump is returned to being president, and amazing things will happen with four more years. >> in just the days before the riot, he tweeted patriotsk time is now, hold the line, join me in d.c. january 6th.
1:27 am
hashtag fight for trump. and in another he tweeted sedition and treason for stealing votes is proament. >> on the morning of the seige he was send follower this image stating biden should concede. he promptly went to congress, stood up and opposed the certification of the electoral college results. >> i rise for myself and 60 of my colleagues to object to the counting of the electoral ballots from arizona. >> the end of his speech interrupted by the very mob he helped stir up. >> the irony, interrupted by his own mob. you see, this is why when you are foamenting a coup you have to coordinate, you know, send out a doodle, let the mob know you are speak speaking to overturn, so maybe they could refer take it at 2, the only thing worse than your mob showing up early is your mob showing up late because then are you on the floor of congress going and if you think joe biden is going to be president, i have a few thousand friends who disa
1:28 am
gree. >> guys, where are you, i need to use the bathroom now, it is a tie. >> so when you look at what he has done in songk i'm not surprised the gop doesn't care about gosar's anime video. between the coup and the white supremacy this is the least offensive thing he has ever done. and the gop might not be condemning gosar's behavior but his own family is picking up that slack. >> arizona congressman paul gosar was whacked with this attack ad by six of his brothers and sisters. >> my name is tim gosar, david gosar, grace gosar. >> joan gosar. >> justin gosar. >> jennifer gosar. >> paul's absolutely not working for his district. he's not listening to youk and he doesn't have your interest at heart. >> gosar fired back on twitter, you can't pick your family, gosar tweeted, to the six angry democrat gosars, see you at mom and dad's house. >> goddam, we need to get paul
1:29 am
gosar out of congress and on to a bravo show. are you telling me you wouldn't watch the real gosars of maricopa county, i'm a dentist. >> i'm a private investigator i hate you, we ate you too, tune in. >> i don't even want to imagine how stressful thanksgiving must be for gosar's parents. think about it, you got to cook for a bunch of children and the entire mob that paul brings. you are not serving pumpkin pie this year? well, let's see what my friends have to say about that. the bathroom again, come on, what did you guys eat. you're killing me here. my mom's waiting, yeah, we got to prove a point to her. okay. okay. i will see you soon. >> i will be honest, as awkward as this family dynamic is, it more surprising when someone does entire, siblings have experienced too much with you, i don't care if my sister and i believe in all the same things, she put my hand in warm water to make me me in bed, nobody should
1:30 am
do that to a 37 year old. so that is paul gosar, brings-- politician, anime fan, a man so awful he won win votes of his own family, i don't know about you but someone this awful, they shouldn't be running anything in government. and i don't say this as a talk show host. i say this as someone whose been to the denis. all right, when we come back, we won't just hear some marching bands, we will listen to them. what does that mean? i don't know. stick around to find out. this is the first photo of your life, son. your first smile. your first bath. the room we made for you. and you'll meet nana and grandpa. i can't wait for the world to see you... like i do.
1:31 am
1:32 am
(vo) singing, or speaking.
1:33 am
reason, or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything.
1:34 am
>> trevor: welcome come back it to the daily show, if you ever watched a college football game, you know two things, one, you could definitely have coached that i'm better, and two, the marching band is pretty awesome. but how much do you know about the history of the marching band? well, dulce will fill you in with another installment of dulce it it it. black marching ban is the one time black people get to march without-- fox news calling them rioters, we all love them even those that got cut from one just because our baton twirling was deemed dangerous, maybe the trombone players should have stayed out of my strike zone, but marching bands are even more amazing when you learn about their history. for example you may not know this, but black marching bands actually started in the same setting as all your dads
1:35 am
favorite movies. times of war, in colonial times black men weren't allowed to carry weapons but they still had to serve in state militias so they were assigned to fife and drum corps instead and they needed it back then in case they ran out of bullets and had to resort to a rap bat et. not letting the black servicemen have guns was racist but there was an interesting side fek of this racism, because over the next century the military pumped out thousands of trained black musicians who took their marching band skills back to their communities. and that is definitely one of the best skills it to take out of the military, i mean who do you want at the party, the guy without knows how to play drums or how to dig a hole to poop in. and all of this marching band culture got a new home in 1890 when tuskegee university started the first americaning band. it it turns out college and marching bands are a natural fit, like college and std's over the next 50 years marching bands
1:36 am
popped up at alabama state, plor a da a amp m, kentucky state. but the big turning point came in 1-9d 46, when dr. william foster at florida a & m discovered the missing ingredient, choreography. dr. foster taught his marching band new dance moves with help from a pe teacherrer. and that must have been cool for all those ban nrds who thought that going to college meant no more gym class. oh, you thought you were done running, huh-uh, now you have to do it with a tuba much but it was worth it tbaws choreography took marching bands to the next level adding dancing to anything makes it more entertaining. karaoke, in flight announcements be finding out you are not the father. but the 1960s and 07s banlds had gone mainstream, they were playing super bowls and even marched j.f.k.'s inaugural parade which had to be the most memorable parade j.f.k. was ever in, wait, that seems wrong.
1:37 am
southern university's band changed the game again when they started doing their own rendition of top 40 radio hits. that earned them the nickname the human jukebox and it is a tradition that goes on to this day. i am telling you, you haven't lived until you heard a marching band cover-- there is are no lyrics so old people are dancing in the stands and they don't even know they are getting down to a school about lube ri kaition, get nasty, grandma. it was also during this time that bans made their next big move, jam line they started with the gold engirls and spread to the jackson state, and j setting it technique became a big influence on hip-hop dance and the j set only happened because a maij orette named shirley littleton demanded they be allowed to dance in a more modern way and quote put down their batons. i wish someone had got everyone rid of batons when i was, then i wouldn't have gotten. >> the band got more c-- than the football team. today the impact of those bands
1:38 am
and dances is all over pop culture, during songs, movies and they were even part of beyonce's iconic coachella performance, that show changed the conversation, it changed the culture, i mean just watching that again it changed my outfivment here is how popular black marching bands are now. even trump had one perform at his inauguration, between that and all the cheating on his wife, he was just like jfx. and jus just this year vice president cam la harris was escorted at the inauguration by the marching band from her own alma mater howard university. what an incredible moment. most people only reconnect with their alma maters when they get hit up por donations, i already made a donation, it was called my tuition and i had a full ride. so the next time you see a black marching band, will you know how they became the phenomenon that they are today. now play me out. aha!. still got it. see, not so bad. oops. i'm not paying for that.
1:39 am
>> trevor: thank you so much for that dulce, when we come back the legendary dwayne wade will be joining me right here in the studio, you don't want to the studio, you don't want to miss it. ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪them man are doing this thing part time♪ ♪no i'm doing this thing all day♪ ♪i put in the work all day i put in the work all day♪ ♪look, no i don't care what you think or say♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ ♪ ♪ ♪i put in the work all day♪ this black friday, do you want a tv? or do you want. the place on the tv?
1:40 am
(laughing) did i do that? (laughing) every time. shh. you think she's still awake? don't worry. stealth mode? yeah. (shh shh shh) don't pta meetings end at 9? -ran late -got lost... what'd you guys talk about? -libraries -maps fine. you can drive to practice this weekend. (laughing) that was easy. what! i mean, i love you guys. the lexus rx: built for modern families.
1:41 am
[microwave beeps] [ahh] ♪ ♪ ♪ i'm so defensive, i got bongos thumping in my chest ♪ ♪ and something tells me they don't beat for me ♪ ♪ i love romance, but i got eggshells around me ♪ ♪ don't step on 'em, don't step on 'em ♪ ♪ don't step on 'em, don't step on me ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ he'd better not take the ring from me ♪
1:42 am
daily show, my guest tonight is nba superstar and businessman dwayne wade here to share his new photograph mem other-- memoir about his legendary career and building a legacy of a the court. dwayne wadek welcome to the show. >> thank you. >> good to you have here withic a book that i didn't know what to expect when i started reading it but it it feels like a memoir in pictures, feels like a story of your life and some of your inner monologues, what inspired this version of the book. >> it is, that is exactly what it is, i didn't want to go at it from the standpoint of words on the paper, i have done that once but it was great but this time now thinking about my responsibility and my role, and i take st seriously as a public figure. just understanding that little dwayne needs something, reading something is great but when they
1:43 am
can see the image of something, of someone, i think that right there is more powerful, so for me it it was important that i showed the human side of what people look at as an athlete because. >> okay. >> i wanted to show a little of that. >> trevor: a beautiful book divided into quarters. it will like your life is this game you have been playing out. i was a little disappoint because i was like it can't be four quarters because your life isn't finished yet so the next time will be overtime. >> i didn't think of that, i didn't think of writing another book, this is it it. >> trevor: do you ever think of that as an athlete, a lot of the time for athletes, and for the public sometimes your life ends when your career ends. do you ever think about that and how hard it is to think about your next journey as a human being. i mean i know are you a husband, you are a dad, you are a businessman now, were you ever worried was there ever a moment like man, who is dwayne wade without the ball, without the hoop.
1:44 am
>> 1,000 percent, basketball is what i know from the stand point, i focus my whole life on trying to do great, trying to be great at something, it it takes all of your attention, all of your time. and once i got to like my last year, when i was like all right, i think i'm ready to walk away, i'm like what am i going to do next, everyone tells you you are going to be fine, you will have so many things going on, you're like how, where, i took a few months off, maybe like two or three months and then i just said you know what, i talked with my team and said let's get back to it, let's just see, let's see where my interests lie because i didn't know. all i knew was i loved the game of basketball and i enjoy business and making money, i enjoy creating things and designing things, for me it was like let's find what that next step is. so i feel i am in my rookie season in life again,. >> trevor: i like that. >> i am in the pregame again in this new, this new step. >> trevor: if i had guessed before reading the book, what are dwayne wade's passions,
1:45 am
basketball is one of them, fashion definitely one of them, never going to take a chance. you know, i would have said wine is within of them. you know, but one thing i would have never said before is karaoke, you are a humble person, but the one thing you have no humility about, you call yourself the greatest karaoke singer in the league. >> when i was in the league. now i'm out of the league. it is thot that i can sing, can i not sing to save my life, it's that i will get up on stage anywhere to sing care yoa-- karaoke, i will gt to local bars and jump on stage, that is the way i am, i have to to know the song, i do it it anywhere, i do it anywhere. >> trevor: what is dwayne wade. >> my wife tells me i need a new song because have i been doing the same six, seven years. >>-- monday tell jordan, it brings me, jr., everybody know the words even if you don't, you
1:46 am
know some of the words, so it crowd participation, i don't have to sing, can i deep voice it, so but yeah, i love it, i love it. >> trevor: i did like the human side of your story with lebron. i wasn't in the u.s. when the whole move to miami happened. i wasn't in the u.s. for that chaos, what do you think was the biggest thing people maced from lebron coming to miami? you share a few thoughts in the book that i really enjoyed, the conversation you had, what, you were trying to achieve. what do you think people missed in that story, people just didn't understand about that move and the big three. >> well, i mean i'm sure it was a lot. that people didn't understand. i mean as athletes, you know, are you towted as one of the good and the greats in the game. they say these are the things you have to accomplish. you have to get rings, you have to get a new shall-- it is all of these things, you can't knock someone for listening to that and going out and making sure that you put the best team around you to win.
1:47 am
so i think at that time i had won a championship in 24, losing, losing, i was tired of that. lebron for 7 years he got close once but he was ready to get over that hump, chris bosh was a merging star in toronto. he was ready to get a little more light, little more tension. so i just feel like just to be young and to decide as a young man that we want to do this, as friends, we understood at that moment that we were shifting the culture of where the nba was at that moment. >> trevor: it will never be the same. >> clear empowerment, what that move was about. >> trevor: your life has been one that is filled with both tragedy and triumph. i can't help wondering if that is why you have been a dedicated to your family as you have been, it it feels like dwayne wade has gone i want to win championships on the court but i want to win at home as well am i see that, you know, with since your son was playing in the game now, i see your face light up when you watch him and play against him. i also see the journey that you
1:48 am
have been on with your daughter and just like talking through the challenges of having a child whose transand learning about it and i want to know more about that. everyone thinks the journey to understanding transpeople and the conversation happens overnight it wasn't overnight for you. >> no. >> trevor: and you had to learn. if you were to talk to another parent out there, or somebody who just goes dwayne, this is just, i don't get, this is wrong, i don't get it, what helped you to begin to tuned stand so you could be the best parent. >> well, i think when things happen personally to you, when you have a personal connection to something or someone, you take it taye little more serious, but when it happens to you you have to look at it in the face. you have to, you know, right on like my daughter looking at me across the table. i have to this is something i need to deal with, right, in the sense of i don't know everything. you know, and as a parent, you want to make sure that your kids come and you have-- the right words, you have the right
1:49 am
support, whatever it is, you have the right mot taition-- motivation so at that moment i had no answers. the only answer that i knew and that i had that this is my child, i love them and i hate the pain that my child is in, right. seeing the pain of not being able to feel confident and comfortable in who you are, that is not, you don't want to live like that, no one you love, and so immediately to hug and embrace and you see just the light, for me to be in a place where i am not trying to dim her light, i'm trying to move out of the way and let her get all of the light. i just see a beautiful, you know, blossoming 14 year old girl who is trying to find, trying to pass her test at school vus like everybody else, trying to find friends this year going back to school like everyone else. and you know, my wife and i, i whole role and whole job, we understand this, is to provide, to protect, to love, to
1:50 am
facilitate. we have all these rules t is not to tone it is not to say you are going to be this and are you going to do that, it is to find out who they are, what they are like, and what are their dislikes, and try to help them through life find themselves, not about us. you know t is not bus. >> trevor: it is hard to accept as a parent. >> yeah. >> trevor: but you are doing it, dwayne wade, thank you for joining us, congratulations, this say really fantastic coffee table book/memoirish, i am excited to see what overtime is going to bring, congratulations. >> thank you. >> trevor: you got it. that was quick, still got those relax-- reflexes, dwayne wade's new book, dwayne is available now. we'll take a quick break and be i know things. barks it's under the couch driver or 3-wood? 3-wood. we want to retire early and need a health plan. my parent's plan won't cover me anymore. where can i get a health plan?
1:51 am
at healthmarkets, they search many of the nations most recognized carriers so they can help you find the right plan at the right price that's the right fit for you. how long does it take? healthmarkets can help you find a plan in minutes. i'm between jobs. no matter where you are in life, healthmarkets can help you find your right fit and help you get what you qualify for. how much does it cost? healthmarkets service is free and has helped americans get enrolled in over 5-million policies. barks it's under the couch. it's always under the couch. and you can always count on healthmarkets to find a health plan fit for you. don't wait. save time. find the plan that fits you. call the number on your screen, or visit healthmarkets.com
1:52 am
consider supporting gleaners community, they provide food to more than 660 partner soup kitchens food pantries, shelters and other agencies across the detroit and south michigan region. there vital link between available food and those who need it most so if you want to support them in their work this thanksgiving please donate at the link below. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember, if you are one of
1:53 am
taylor swift's exs who might have been shitty to her, you might want to thanking change your name to crypto.com. here it is, your moment of zen. well, we have an important announcement to make about one of our most beloved traditions, which happens every new yearses eve. i got some folks going to celebrate with me here. cuz here's the message. we love new year's eve, in time square. we want it it to be big. we want it to be full of life. we want it to it be a great new york celebration, guess what, everyone. a big, strong, full strength celebration, is coming back this new year's eve, time square, everyone come on down, we're celebrating.
1:54 am
excellent. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioning made possible by comedy central ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪ ♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woe's behind ♪ ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting, "howdy neighbor" ♪ ♪ headed on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ ( mumbling ) ♪ so come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ and now back to... with south park's favorite hunters jimbo and ned. i'm jimbo kern and this here is ned. say hi, ned. hi, ned. now isn't that great ? we have a terrific show for you today. we're gonna kill some elk and we're gonna kill some mountain goats. now the new law passed by colorado legislature which ned and i call pussy law #4 states...
1:55 am
our old line of "it's comin' right for us", "it's comin' right for us !" no longer works. so now we only kill animals to... if we don't hunt, then these animals will grow too big in numbers and they won't have no food. so you see we have to kill animals or else they'll die. so roll the tape. ( jimbo ) here we are up at schaefer's crossing looking for some animals. look ned, there's some deer. quick ned, thin out their numbers. thin out their numbers. good work ned, now they won't starve. that sure was a great hunting trip. we saved those deer from extinction. we're environmentalists. coming up next, we're gonna drop some napalm on an unsuspecting family of beavers, and also try to thin out the numbers of some endangered species. mr. garrison, what's vietnam ? what's vietnam ?
1:56 am
a question a child might ask but not a childish question. children, for the next few days we'll be learning all about vietnam. chances are that somebody in your own lives was affected by this incredible war. that's right mr. garrison, the vietnam war was sticky and icky. mr. garrison, were you in vietnam ? ( male ) come on ned, let's go ! jump out of the chopper ! ( male ) who's next to take a shower ? me, i am ! you just took one last time, silly. oh, where can i hide this bigpipe? no, i wasn't in vietnam. but sometimes i like to pretend i was. anyway children, i'm going to assign you all a paper. i want you all to find somebody in your own life who was in vietnam and interview them about it. what if we don't know anybody who was in vietnam ? then you get an f, fail the third grade and have to get a job cleaning septic tanks to support your drug habit. oh. dude, my uncle jimbo was in vietnam. yeah, him and ned do that stupid tv show. and now time for... one of our loyal viewers from south park
1:57 am
sent us some 8 millimeter film of what he claims to be the mexican staring frog of southern sri lanka. now as you all know, the mexican staring frog of southern sri lanka can supposedly kill you with one hard gaze. if a person even so much as looks into the frog's eyes, they can be paralyzed or even die. and this film proves that that frog may very well exist. now watch carefully. you're gonna see the mexican staring frog. there, there did you see it ? roll that back again. now freeze it. well, i'd like to know what all skeptics have to say now ? what do you think, ned ? i'm scared. well, be sure to join us next time. until then... ♪ we're so glad you spent a time with us ♪ ♪ while we slaughtered our way through nature's guts ♪ ♪ come again and stay a while ♪ ♪ we'll kill a lot more living things ♪ ♪ and make them bleed goodnight. and we're cut, great show, guys. oh, look who's here. my little nephew, stanley. so you're interested in your uncle jimbo's big tv show, huh ? no, we have to do a stupid report on vietnam. you and ned are the only guys we know who were there. oh yeah, we sure were.
1:58 am
was it fun ? cartman, what kind of stupid ass question is that ? of course, it was fun. well, sure vietnam was fun. but not like going to the circus fun or fly fishing in montana fun. no, vietnam was more like shoving shards of broken glass up your ass and then sitting in a tub of tabasco sauce fun ! whoa. yeah, that's where me and ned met. ( jimbo ) i remember i had just gotten off the ferris wheel. oh, boy what a gorgeous day. ( whistling ) kern, get over here. the new privates are here. i'm assigning one of them to you as a trainee. ned gerblanski. ned gerblanski reporting, sir. thanks ned. now the bad guys have been spotted about ten clicks north of here. you and kern are best suited to take them out. are you up for it ? sir, yes sir. ( jimbo ) soon it was all on me and ned to win the war for america. pass me some more cocoa, will you, ned ?
1:59 am
certainly and would you like another muffin as well ? why the hell not ? we're at war. hey, those things are bad for your throat. no, that's all lies. charlie's at two o'clock ! i see 'em, drop the bomb ! the bombs not releasing ! oh, no ! it won't budge. then we only have one option. what are you doing, man ? we have to take 'em out at all costs ! die you red commie bastards ! oh no, out of ammo ! we did it, ned. we killed the entire vietcong army. whoopee ! let's get back to base camp. we can ride the log ride before it closes.
2:00 am
and that's the way it happened, boys. wow ! wow, vietnam was sweet. great news guys, your tv show ratings have doubled ! wow ! they've gone from six people to twelve. holy smokes, we could get an emmy. we've got to do it, "j", your rating are being killed by the jimbo and ned hunting show. but i don't really care about that. well, you better care, mr. smarty pants. no ratings means no show. if you want to keep reaching out to people, you have to keep up with the times. oh, alright. 10 seconds to air guys. remember big, big, big. and five, four, three... it's your hour of power on midday mountain cable access. put your hands gether and welcome the only man in town who always has a fully stocked wine cellar. jesus christ ! uhh... hi. yeah, okay. beginning today we're taking the show in a new direction. we've got some very interesting people coming on this week for you. our viewers. today's guest is tv's "gilligan", mr. bob denver.

35 Views

info Stream Only

Uploaded by TV Archive on