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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  November 10, 2021 1:15am-2:00am PST

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today's headlines. we're going to get to the big news from washington and around the world, but let's kick things off with a story about christmas. it's the reason you let the fat man from the mall break into your house. every year, people complain about it coming earlier and earlier, but this year, someone is doing something about it finally. >> someone posted a photo of a sign from a texas bar. it says, in all caps, "mariah carey's 'all i want for christmas is you' will be skipped if played before december 1st on the jukebox. after december 1st, the song is only allowed one time per night." >> i don't hate mariah carey, and i don't hate christmas. >> but the general manager of stoneleigh p says customers play mariah's megahit too often and too soon before christmas. >> one person tweeted, "is this the war on christmas i've heard about?" the star responded with a photo of herself in body armor ready for battle." >> trevor: yeah, you better believe she's ready for battle!
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this song gets her a new mansion every year! you better back the (bleep) off! and people shouldn't blame mariah carey that her song is so popular. really, we should be pissed off at all the classic christmas song like trash. that's why everybody has to play mariah carey all the time. like, "deck the halls with boughs of holly"? that's not a christmas carol, those are just instructions. and what about "i saw mommy kissing santa claus"? this kid is watching his parents' marriage fall apart, and that's supposed to put me in the holiday spirit? and don't forget "silent night." you know how hard it is to have sex to that song? like, i mean, i've done it, but it's work. this is trash. >> you don't want to mess with american pop star fan bases by the way. people go crazy with that stuff. one time i forgot to put the apostrophe on beyonce's name. they're not like your fans. your fans are pussies. i can talk shit about you all day and they never come after me. >> trevor: i don't know, i think they might get angry.
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>> trevor, enough with the book. we got it. you're born a felon. we get it. enough. it's very depressing. come after me, trevor heads, or what do you call your fan base? africans, with a "k," so it's not rainforest. maybe it makes it more racist. i don't know come after me, guys. >> trevor: they're going to come for you, ronny. >> they're not coming for me. they're not like mariah carey fans. >> trevor: i hope my fans are. they will come for you and make you apologize. >> come at me, guys, i'm right here,@ron ronny chieng. >> trevor: but let's move from the war against mariah to the war against covid. governments around the world are using every tool at their disposal to convince holdouts to get vaccinated. they're offering them money, laying down mandates, they're threatening to ban them from the n.f.l. hall of fame. and now singapore has decided to hit the unvaccinated where it
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hurts most: their wallet. >> one country will no longer foot the bill for unvaccinated patients. singapore says anyone who is unvaccinated by choice will not get free covid treatment. right now, the government is paying for treatment for any resident who is sick with covid. 85% of eligible people in singapore are fully vaccinated. the governor says people who don't want to be vaccinated make up the bulk of new cases and hospitalizations. >> trevor: singapore isn't messing around. in america, if you say you don't want the vaccine, the government is like, "please take the vaccine! we'll give you money!" singapore is like, "oh, okay, it's gonna be like that? you best bring your checkbook to the hospital then, because these ventilators are by the hour, bitch. they really don't mess around in singapore. don't forget, they're the country that will cane your ass just for littering! they're like the parents down the block that actually do the
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you're just like, "don't make me count to three!" then you look out the window, and singapore is stuffing their kid into a cannon. "i told you, the toilet roll goes over, not under!" and, look, i understand the argument here. why shouldn't you have to pay for your preventable health problems? would it be fair for you to pay the same rates as the guys from jackass? most people don't have to be treated for being rolled down a mountain in a porta potty. it's not fair. at the same time, though, it's a slippery slope, because using that logic, should alcoholics pay for their liver transplant? should overweight people pay for their heart medication? should new york jets fans have to pay for their own anti-depressants? where do you draw the line? it's a sticky situation. >> yeah, but in singapore-- trevor, i don't think people realize singapore is saying if you don't take the covid vaccine, you have to pay for your covid treatment, which is a huge deal in singapore, because singapore essentially has universal healthcare. so for them to come out and say, "you are going to pay for your own stuff if you don't take the
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covid vaccine, we're going to treat you like an american." that's huge. >> trevor: that's a punishment in singapore? >> in singapore, being treated like an american in the healthcare system is the biggest punishment you can give someone. you have to worry about your co-pays, look at your disbursements. you have to call blue cross, blue shield, you have to find someone in network. in singapore, the healthcare system just works, i can't explain this in five seconds so no one is going to care. essentially, it takes free-market principles and socialist principles and combines them together. all they care about is efficiency in singapore. they don't politicize solutions. which is why it's so weird in america where everything-- i never even heard the word "socialism" until i knot here. we just care about inputs versus outputs. you know what i mean. >> trevor: i hear you. i was in singapore and that explains a lot of, like, everything there. it's extremely efficient. what is the best thing? and they do it. >> we don't care about labeling stuff. we're not about labels. just go for it. >> trevor: but that's weird,
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you spent a lot of time living in singapore, and you label me all the the time. >> in america, that's why i came here for, the label things and people. >> trevor: oh, so in singapore you would be nicer to me? >> oh, 100%, yeah. we couldn't even do this show in singapore. we lobby arrested immediately. in singapore, you live forever but have way less fun. >> trevor: before we move to singapore, let's move to washington, d.c. it's like washington marvel, but not as good. over the weekend, after months of fighting between liberal and moderate democrats, the house finally passed america's biggest infrastructure bill in decades. it's gonna do things like repair america's crumbling bridges, fix america's crumbling roads, and vacuum up the mess from america's crumbling nature valley granola bars. who make those things, why don't they-- anyway. and even though this bill was mostly passed along party lines, it wouldn't have gotten through if 13 republicans hadn't voted
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for it, too, which a lot of their fellow republicans are now really pissed about. in fact, donald trump said the republicans who voted to fix america's infrastructure should be ashamed of themselves. and marjorie taylor greene called them traitors who are helping the "communist takeover of america." which i know sounds crazy, but think about it: how are soviet tanks going to invade america? over all the newly-refurbished roads and bridges! that's why you have to keep your infrastructure broken. it's called homeland security. but for some republicans who helped to pass the infrastructure bill, those comments from trump and greene were actually the nicer ones. >> one member of congress says he's been harassed for actually trying to deliver for folks back home. congressman fred upton was one of just 13 republicans to vote for the president's infrastructure bill last week. >> partly thanks to upton's vote, more than $10 billion will head to michigan to help fix the lead pipes, along with bridges and roads.
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despite that, one of upton's constituents left him this voice mail: >> trevor: and they say political discourse is dead! you know, i know this is terrible, but if you look at the bright side, he's just saying things that are eventually going to happen. we are all going to die. all our families are going to die. on a long enough timeline, he's just stating facts. i will admit this is really disturbing. what kind of person leaves voicemails anymore.
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that shit is creepy. write that shit on his insta comments like a normal person! and what's amazing is that this partisan anger is happening over an infrastructure bill. infrastructure! i mean, i would get it if the new roads they were building all led to an abortion clinic, or if they were adding special carpool leabz that were just for nonbinary people. but it's just fixing things for everybody. so i don't get the anger. i mean, this dude was so furious that by the end, he was running out of people to threaten. "i hope your famiily dies, and your staff dies... uh, who else? your friends from college... uh, the guy at starbucks who knows your order, i hope he dies. i hope my family dies and you file guilty about it. goddamn it! and, sadly, this is the climate that public officials have to deal with these days. congress members are receiving so many threats now they're going to have to change their call menu: "to ask a question, press one. for office hours and address, press two. to tell your representative to go (bleep) themselves and ( bleep ), ( bleep ), press
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three." >> trevor, i think you're misunderstanding. that guy was just speaking american. he was saying i wish you would read the details of the bill, because we believe the states should decide where the funding goes, instead of the federal government. i'll speak american right now. ( bleep ) you. ( bleep ) your family. i hope you die. i hope they die. what i was really saying in american is "for thanksgiving, i would really love to have you." wow. am i invited to thanksgiving? >> yeah, of course, ( bleep ). yeah. >> trevor: okay, cool. while most of congress is arguing over infrastructure and social services, josh hawley-- senator from missouri and guy at your high school reunion who keeps telling everyone how much his watch cost-- has his eye on some much, much bigger balls: >> "men are no longer men"-- that is the lament of republican senator josh hawley, who is really trying to make masculinity a political issue. >> the left wing attack on manhood says to men, you're part of the problem.
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it says that your masculinity is inherently problematic. it's inherently oppressive. as conservatives, we've gotta call men back to responsibility. we've gotta say that spending your time not working-- and we have more and more men who are not working-- spending your time on video games, spending your time watching porn online while doing nothing is not good for you, your family, or this country. >> trevor: okay, first of all, working and watching porn are not mutually exclusive. plenty of men have figured out how to do it. it's called multi-tasking, senator. and, honestly, i'm surprised that josh hawley is criticizing porn, because that's the last place that upholds traditional gender roles. it's always a pizza delivery guy or a pool boy, while the women are cast in traditionally feminine roles, like step-mom, step-sister, or step-cheerleader. and don't get me wrong, there's an argument to be made about the negative effects of excessive porn and video games on society. but to blame it on the left wing
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attack on manhood! that shit is ridiculous. you know why people are watching more porn? because it's easy as hell now! do you know how much effort it took to look at porn back in the day? you couldn't just pull it up on your phone. you couldn't just type something into your laptop. no. you had to ask to borrow a sticky old magazine from your older brother's friend's cousin. and he buried it in a secret spot out in the woods. so you're out there in the woods, trying to find this magazine covered in dirt, fending off chipmunks and owls. you get lost out there because you didn't have an iphone yet. so now you're wandering around the woods, you're hungry, but all you brought with you was the lotion, so now you're eating the lotion, and finally you give up on finding the magazine and just rub one out to the hottest tree you can find. is that the dignity you're talking about, senator hawley! i nearly died in those woods! i nearly died! >> yeah, trevor, this is-- this guy is talking about how porn is disgusting, like someone who just finished jerking off to
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porn. you know what i mean? like, give him 15 minutes, he'll be back on-- he'll be like, "you know what, porn, sometimes it's okay." also, i'm so confused, once again in america, is this the country of freedom or not? it's like, we're free to take the vaccine if we want, but we're not allowed to jerk off and play video games? what is freedom for then? i mean, also, this guy, like, he's talking-- he's also blaming left wing people for video games and porn? it's not like-- like, it's not like bernie sanders is going, "we need free college tuition! free healthcare! and to yank is to these 'hos." >> trevor: that would be a great switch for bernie. he would surprise people if that's what he came out and said. >> it's so confusing. >> trevor: but, look, if hawley thinks men aren't learning responsibility because they're playing video games, maybe the
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solution isn't to spend less time gaming. maybe the real solution is making games that teach men better lessons. >> from the studio that brought you grand theft auto and the horse version of grand theft auto, comes grand theft mini-van, the game that teaches you to be a responsible husband and father. you'll learn about the dignity of a hard day's work. >> having a job is its own reward. >> the responsibilities of raising a family. >> buckle up, frankie, we're taking a short stop. >> you're a disappointment to me and josh hawley. >> rated "m" for masculine. >> trevor: when we come back, dulce sloan is going to try to (vo) singing, or speaking.
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reason, or fun. daring, or thoughtful. sensitive, or strong. progress isn't either or progress is everything. that's the thing about claims, you see. they don't happen on your schedule. i mean, take a chestnut, it doesn't just say “oh, beg pardon, sir, but is now a good time for a jolly bit of window cracking?” i mean, if they did, you wouldn't need a geico claims team that's available 24/7. but, near as i can tell, chestnuts don't talk. or maybe they're just really quiet. geico. your claims team is here for you, 24/7. well, got things to do mr. chestnut, so...
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." there are a lot of stereotypes about what black people in america like and what they do. well, dolce sloan wants to break down those stereotypes in our brand-new segment: "the black monomyth." ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ >> i'm meeting with cam and summer johnson who are raising a family and killer bees. i'm going to follow them for the day to mainly find out why, why
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in god's name not leave this honey farm. i'm here, but i don't know where i'm at. what's the first step in this beekeeping situation? >> this is your first step. >> this will keep you safe. >> your laundry hamper? >> yeah. >> keep the bees off your face, no problem. >> keep you cool. >> i think one of the reasons black people haven't gotten into beekeeper is the outfit. they're plain and boring. so i put my own together. you know, i just wanted to wear something, like, low key, slightly embellished. just, you know real simple. >> whoa! that's not a beesuit. >> the pop, the razzle-dazzle. >> i mean, you look like a big flower. they might try to pollinate you. she's going to get stung. >> all right. >> now, as black people, we're in a constant state of danger.
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what made y'all want to be in more danger? >> we moved out to the suburbs susuburbswhen zach our second cs two. he suffered with asthma. we would be in the emergency room a couple of times a year and we wanted something natural instead of pumping his body full of steroids and medicine. we read about raw honey, the antiinflammatory properties, how good it was for him. we said, we have land, let's experiment with beehives and we got hooked. >> hold off, hold off, hold off. that's junk nobody makes. you're not like, my kid is lactose intolerant, let's start an almond farm. >> it worked. he had no allergies or asthma after it. we cured him with a year's worth of honey. >> turns out if you have seasonal allergies local raw honey has healing properties. over time a person may become less sensitive to that pollen. so basically, raw honey saves lives. that's cheaper than health
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insurance. like i've been saying from the beginning, more black people definitely need to get in on this. >> there are more black people in beekeeping than you think. it's predominantly white, but it's changing. >> there's you and-- >> we know dozens of beekeepers. >> dozens is only 12. what is the reason beekeepers are white? >> there's a lot of systemic reasons of, like, access to, like, land and i mean, you do need some space to beekeep. so know-- >> we always admonish african americans to buy in the country, too. so they'll have more land and there's more agriculture going on. >> so land and racism. got it. all right! if sacrificing myself will inspire others in the black community to become beekeepers, then i'm ready to meet these bugs with daggers. but mainly, i'm doing this because i'm stuck in the middle of nowhere in new jersey. it's a good thing your son wasn't allergic to electricity.
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i would be the first amish people. hold on. this is too many bees. i'm not comfortable. this doesn't feel luke a safe space. how do you make them calm down? >> smoke. >> that will keep you safe. >> some put lavender in it. >> it's like flavored soap. bees are vaping? >> it simulates like a forest fire. so they're distracted from us. the intruders are think ago. >> how do i get out? >> how do i get out of this. >> and they get calm. >> the smoke makes them think their hive is on fire. >> but they get calm about it. >> if my apartment was on fire, i would be real calm. sounds insane! my only knowledge of bees is a swarm killed mccauley culkin >> ready? >> we're opening the box? >> yes. one... two... >> they look like they're getting mad. >> three. let's do it. >> aaah! it's dripping. >> smoke them, smoke them, that's your job. >> nice.
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>> yes, girl. >> you're doing great. >> calm them down. >> see all this honey here? >> they just busted out the frame. >> see how calm they are? you're not going to be stung. if they were aggressive, they would be stinging front of your veil. >> if they're mad they go for the face? >> they go for the face. >> you want to look for the queen in the bottom chamber. you want to make sure the hive is healthy and those bees can go off to another hive and find a queen, or vice versa. >> you have to take care of the queen nirs any situation. that's why my door man gives me my packages before anyone else in the building. >> it's kind of obvious she's not, like, aware of beekeeping at all. >> so, can you tell me more about their bee-havior? see what i did there. isn't honey just regurgitated? >> bee vomit. yeah, it's bee vomit. >> hey, america, honey is bee vomit. did you know that? >> we'll take this one and go in there and harvest, and we'll
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show you how to extract it. >> what began as a beautiful story of parental loch has blossomed into a trailblazing black-owned business. >> this is pure yumminess. >> what do you think? >> it's really good! it has been inspiring to see the symbiotic relationship that has formed between humans and nature. just keep me away from the ( bleep ) bees. so young zachary, you see that your parents have done all of this, and they got a whole bunch of death boxes in the back. they worked very hard to keep you alive, young man. what do you plan to do with your life? >> i try to pitch in and do what i can for honey and the business. >> okay. what have they done for you? ( laughter ) >> well, my name is on it, too. it's zach and zoe. >> yes! >> it's for me, too. >> our hope through this whole thing is that we've inspired more people to be beekeepers, especially more people of color, to keep bees-- >> mind your bees wax. >> the puns.
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>> to anybody. >> anybody who reaches out, we're willing to help, help them get started, help them, point them in the right direction, talk about books, the beekeeping clugs. if dulce can do it, you can do it. >> i really hope we made a beekeeper out of her. >> i think we did. she's not too far from us. >> this is trash! >> trevor: thank you so much for that dull say. for that dull say. when (laughing) did i do that? (laughing) every time. shh. you think she's still awake? don't worry. stealth mode? yeah. (shh shh shh) don't pta meetings end at 9? -ran late -got lost... what'd you guys talk about? -libraries -maps fine. you can drive to practice this weekend. (laughing) that was easy. what! i mean, i love you guys. the lexus rx: built for modern families.
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but play games in vr." well kyle, how about experiencing a couple of years on the iss? whoa, are you guys seeing this? affirmative. kyle doesn't get it. ♪[upbeat music track]♪ [doorbell] [sound of door opening] you can save an average of two times more with our smart savings tools. for everything we want, we're all better off with an ally. daily show." my guest tonight is a supermodel, actor, entrepreneur, and debut author, emily rakajkowski. she's here to discuss her new collection of essays about empowerment and our culture's commodification of women. emily, welcome to the show. >> thank you so much for having me. >> trevor: this is one of the most interesting and complicated books i've ever read about the subject. >> okay. >> trevor: no, because when i read it, i think a lot of people, you know, fell in love with your writing, was it "new york" magazine? >> yes. >> trevor: it was an interesting take on a subject we
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thought we knew everything about. what does it mean to be a model? if you're a model you feel a certain way about your body, you love everything about the industry. from the book everything and you've written, it seems like it's really complicate the, no? >> it's really complicated. not just about the industry, but i think for women in general. there's a sort of negotiation you do with how you want to represent your body in the world as a woman every day. and i think that's sort of what i'm interested in. obviously, my experience as a model, which is an industry built on the way you look, is very specific. but i think every woman can relate to the experience of getting dressed and knowing, you know, sort of the negotiation of how tight do i want my shirt to be? how much do i want to cover up? and how am i going to use my sexuality to my advantage or not? >> trevor: i think that's one of the most intriguing parts of the book. and i hope-- i hope a lot of men read it as well. because some might think, oh, okay, it's my body. this is a lady's book. but it's really just a book from
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a woman's perspective on-- and i like how you say in the book-- i'll paraphrase it-- the lenses through which your body is seen through. >> the mirrors, the many mirrors. >> trevor: the many mirrors. >> i definitely hope a lot of men read it. and i was really happy when the "new york" magazine piece came out which was taken from the book proposal, how many men read it and connected to it. >> trevor: let's talk about the journey of being a model. everyone goes if you're a model it means you want men to stare at your body, right? that's the assumption. someone might say, well, emily, can you ever say that there shouldn't be a commodification of the body if you yourself made money from a body that is shown in a certain way? how do you explain that to somebody? how do you get into those conversations with something that is so awe awnessed? it's almost a paradox. >> i think i'm criticizing capitalism. i'm not saying women's bodies shouldn't be comoldified. it's the system we work in.
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i wouldn't fault a woman for trying to capitalize off her body and image. i'm here talking to you about my book. there's endeniable power that can come with that. for a long time i believed that was just empowerment and feminism and it's more complicated than that. that's what i'm exploring in this book. i don't think there are answers to, you know, this is-- this is positive, this is negative. it's more complicate gld how do you think you will know when you found it? when will emily say, "you know what? this is it. i'm completely claimed myself. i've owned my image. i've owned my likeness. what do you think that means for you? >> i mean, control is a huge factor, and i think-- you know, empowerment is a word that just gets thrown around so much. >> trevor: right. >> i feel like i don't even know what it means totally anymore because power is such a complicated thing. is empowerment a feeling or is it, you know, the resource that you gain from financial success or influence? but i will say that the closest i've ever come to kind of really understanding that word is through writing this book, not
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sort of through mod elg. that hasn't felt like the place i had the most control. but being able to write these-- to create something, really, just in general is incredibly empowering. >> trevor: i think a lot of people will be particularly interested in your essay about "blurred lines." you know, that, as you say, was your big break. this is the moment when you were in the robin thicke video. and everyone was like, who is that girl? this is amazing, this is the moment." for a thriej it felt like your relationship with the video was a positive one. i'm doing what i want to do. over the years, it feels like you have taken awe dinner stance to it all, or your views on it have evolved in terms of what you should or shouldn't have done. talk me through that. what do you think you would have changed or what do you hope would change going forward in that type of situation? i'm assuming you don't want to live in a world where you say to women, "don't be naked if you want to be naked." but at the same time you're saying be careful of how or when or who decides when you're naked. >> i don't even know if that's
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what i'm saying. we're having a conversation around only fans, and i think it's a great parallel to my experience on the "blurred lines" set. you have women saying revenge porn exists. i know that there's this way that i can lose control over images of my body, personal images. let me try to find a way i can benefit from this. that being said, what we watched with only fans is somebody decide, probably mostly men, said we want to clean up this brand, and all of a sudden all these women didn't have access to make money and they were the ones in power. i think my essay about "blurred lines" is not about what women should do but about how to be-- or how we can be aware of the power dynamics that are at play. and that example, when i was 21, you know, i was talking about that video, and i felt pretty defind. i was like i felt great. i was surrounded by women. compared to other jobs i was doing at the time, where i was essentially a mannequin, front of the shirt, side of the shirt, back of the shirt.
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having a great time. people asked me how i felt and it was fun. ultimately, when somebody crossed the line or something inappropriate happened we weren't in a position of power to say anything because we were on the clock. and robin thicke was-- it was his music video. so as much as i felt like i was being powerful and it was my choice, that wasn't just-- it wasn't just that simple. and that's reality that i want to talk about. >> trevor: so, when you look at that, you know, one of the things i struggle with is trying to figure out how we process time and our opinions on what we experienced or how we view things through the lens of time. when you look at somebody like robin thicke for that video, specifically, where do you think more responsibility could have been? what do you think could have been different from his side. or do you think he should also be afforded an opportunity to say i thought everyone was having fun, and now i would do things differently? >> i think that i'm really not interested in blaming individuals. i think that we live in a culture that allows a lot of
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these situations to occur. even just-- not in professional settings but on dates. and that's, again, not to beat the horse, but, you know, power dynamics. that's what i'm interested in talking about and really revealing, because i think that, you know, in some ways, maybe that was like an attempt at leveling the power for him. >> trevor: right, right. >> and i think we need to look at, you know, how this culture is bad for both men and women. >> trevor: i love it. congratulations on the book. >> thank you. >> congratulations on a healthy little baby. >> thank you. >> and congratulations on being back on the catwalk. >> thank you. >> trevor: "my body" is available now wherever books are sold. we're going to take a quick break but we'll be right back i know things. barks it's under the couch driver or 3-wood? 3-wood. we want to retire early and need a health plan. my parent's plan won't cover me anymore. where can i get a health plan? at healthmarkets, they search many of the nations most recognized carriers
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tonight. but before we go: thanksgiving is one of the busiest times for the feeding america network of food banks and meal programs, and their if you would like to support them in their work, please donate at the link below and help to make the holidays brighter for your neighbors. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, get your vaccine, and remember: instead of watching porn, why don't you get a job... a job watching porn.
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now, here it is, your moment of zen. is that a real job? i can get a job... ♪ ♪ ♪ >> we're seven weeks away from christmas, some people already kind of kicking the christmas spirit into overdrive. >> is it too early for christmas decorations? >> i'm going to put this out there-- it's too soon. >> i might have to respectfully disagree. >> i think you're pushing it if it's before thanksgiving. >> you do. >> talking about christmas decorations? >> yeah. >> man, i saw christmas decorations and halloween decorations at the same time. and i thought i didn't know what to do. >> jay, what about you you, you putting up any christmas decorations at all? >> not yet. maybe at their mom's house. >> yeah. captioning sponsored by - ♪ i'm going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna have myself a time ♪ both: ♪ friendly faces everywhere ♪
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♪ humble folks without temptation ♪ - ♪ going down to south park ♪ ♪ gonna leave my woes behind ♪ - ♪ ample parking day or night ♪ ♪ people spouting "howdy neighbor" ♪ - ♪ headin' on up to south park ♪ ♪ gonna see if i can't unwind ♪ - ♪ [muffled] ♪ - ♪ come on down to south park ♪ ♪ and meet some friends of mine ♪ [bell ringing] - this is shop class. my name is mr. adler. for the next week, rather than your normal schoolwork, you will be learning how to make things. now, does anybody know why you are in shop class? yes? - because we had to choose between this and home ec and we didn't want to be sissies? - wrong. you are here because you are america's future. you may some day be doctors or lawyers or scientists. most of you, however, will be pumping gas or cutting sheet metal. and that's why we have... shop class. - ohhh. - now, let me make one thing crystal clear. i don't like kids that screw around. you screw around in shop class, you can lose a hand or an eye.
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i have... i have...i have... - mr. adler? - huh? oh. uh, i was just saying that i want to know who is the biggest troublemaker in your class. - tweek is. - ah! no, i'm not. - yeah, you are, tweek. you always get in trouble. - ah! - uh, hello. excuse me, but craig is the biggest troublemaker in our class. - that true, craig? you a troublemaker? - no. - well, you better not be, because in shop class-- hey, did you just flip me off? - no. - yes, you did. - told ya. - dude, shop class sucks. maybe we should've taken home ec. - no way, dude, home ec is for girls. - welcome to home ec. for the next week, you will be learning how to bake, sew, clean, and make things that are lacy and pretty. - whoo-hoo! - yes, wendy? - i requested to be in shop class, but they sent me here. - that's right, wendy. you see, some of you girls will go on to have interesting jobs and careers. but all of you pretty ones won't have to worry about that, because you can marry a nice man, and that's why we have home ec. - whoo-hoo!
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- i wonder why kenny didn't want to take shop class. - i don't know. he's such a wuss. - hey, don't screw around. you screw around too much. - you know, you guys are totally wrong about tweek. craig is way worse than he is. - no, he's not, dude. craig is a wuss. - dude, if craig and tweek got in a fight, craig would kick tweek's ass. - you wanna bet? - yeah, i'll bet. - how much? - five bucks. - you're on. - ah! - hey, tweek. dude, craig chooses you. he wants to fight. - he does? - yeah. he's all pissed off at you. so will you fight him? - why? - dude, because. you have to stand up for yourself. so will you fight him? - ah, he doesn't look like he wants to fight me. - craig, can i talk to you real quick? just a second, please. craig, i'm not normally one to get involved in this kind of thing, but, well, i was just standing over by tweek, and he called you a big poop eater. - he did? - yeah, he said you eat poop. and that it makes your breath smell like poop, and that, well, you like it. - why would he say that? - i don't know, craig. i don't know. but now he's over there telling everybody that you're a poop eater and he chooses you. - well, i'm gonna go over there and-- - no, no, craig, you can't fight him here. mr. adler will just break it up. tell you what.
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i'll go tell him you accept his challenge and set it up for after school today. - okay. - there, you see? he just flipped you off. - ah! what a jerk. - he's really got it out for you, dude. - why? what did i do? - so do you agree to fight him after school? - i guess so. - super, see ya there. - catch me, richard. [laughing] i'm so in love with you, richard. i made you some cookies, richard. [sniffing] merry christmas, richard. [laughs] oh, richard, say we'll be this happy forever. [screaming] [muffled] richard! [bell ringing] - [screams] [chewing] oh, why? why? - mr. adler. mr. adler. - huh? stop screwin' around. - the bell rang. can we go? - oh, well, sure. uh, class dismissed. - come on, you guys.
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this is gonna be sweet, dude. - you guys are so wrong about tweek. he's gonna get his ass kicked. - we'll see. - why don't we just raise our bet to $10? - you're on, fat ass. - well, well, well, look who's here, our little home economics friend, kenny. - [muffled speech] - how come you wanna take home ec, kenny? - yeah, that's not cool, dude. - bye, kenny. see ya tomorrow. - bye, kenny. - [muffled speech] - hey, what's going on? - tweek and craig are gonna fight. - really? cool. it's funny, 'cause tweek and craig both went home about 15 minutes ago. - what? - yeah, they left. - ah, hell. - those sons of bitches. - i guess they don't want to fight. - oh, they want to fight. they just don't know it yet. [doorbell ringing] - tweek. - tweek. - ah! what do you guys want? - how come you didn't show up to the fight, tweek? - craig and i have no reason to fight each other. - well, craig showed up. - he did? - yeah, he was standing there waiting for you. and he was all like, "man, tweek's a wuss." and we were all like, "no, he's not, craig." and he was all like, "yeah, he is. "he isn't showing up. he's a big wuss, and he has crooked teeth." - i don't have crooked teeth. - and then craig was all like, "tweek is scared of me. he's a big chicken." and he started doing an impersonation
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of you being a chicken. everybody in the world saw it. - everyone in the world? ah! - yeah, it was weak. - i'm not a chicken. - well, everyone in the world thinks you are. see ya, tweek. - wait. i'll fight. - tomorrow? - okay. [knocking on door] - craig, what the hell are you doing home? you're supposed to be out fighting tweek. - red racer's on. - craig, you can watch red racer any day of the week. - i do watch red racer every day of the week. - well, that's fine. i guess you don't care about what tweek said about your mom. - nope. - ah! god damn it. [knocking on door] - oh, i guess you don't care what tweek said about your guinea pig. - what? what did he say about stripe? - oh, nothing, except that you stick it up your ass before you go to bed. - that son of a bitch. i'll kill him! - yeah, i'd be pissed too. so maybe we should reschedule the fight for tomorrow? - after red racer. - after red racer, of course. - how was school today, son? - ah! - that's great. - dad, if some kid at school wants to fight me, what should i do? - son, let me tell you a little story about when your mother and i first met. - you see, a long time ago, there were a lot of guys who were after your mother. she used to be very attractive.
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- it's true. i was. - well, when i started courting your mother, there was this big muscular football player named quib who didn't take too kindly to me. he wanted your mother all to himself. and so one day, he challenged me to a fight. - well? - "well" what, honey? - ah! what happened? - oh, i don't know. he moved away or something. - yes, i think that's right. - ah! you guys never help me. your stories never go anywhere! i hate it. i want out. i want out. - dad, i'm supposed to get in a fight tomorrow. - with who? - some kid. - oh. - don't just "oh" him, thomas. - yeah, don't just "oh" me. - i'll "oh" whoever i want. - well, that was fun, pearl. see ya later. - richard, aren't you going to invite me in? - why? - well, i thought maybe you would at least attempt to make love to me tonight.

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