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tv   The Daily Show With Trevor Noah  Comedy Central  March 11, 2021 11:00pm-11:44pm PST

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shit! [ sighs ] nice doing business with you... you little child-murdering pedophiles. going on, everybody? i'm trevor noah, this is "the daily social distancing show." today is february 16th, and here's your helpful vaccine tr of the day: even if you've already been vaccinated, it's still important to wear a mask, because it's the only thing that hides how happy you are. none of us want to see that shit! showing up with your vaccine. pit a mask on and hide your face, you lucky bastard! anyway, on tonight's show: we look at the recent violence
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against asians in america. roy wood jr. tells us about america's black doctor. and a winter storm is messing with texas. plus, bill gates is on the show! so let's do this, people! welcome to "the daily social distancing show."■ç >> announcer: from trevor's couch in new york city to your couch somewhere in the world, this is "the daily social distancing show," with trevor noah. >> trevor: let's kick things off with the crazy weather sweeping across the united states today. because right now, if you look out your window, you're seeing snow. if you're in florida, it's cocaine. and for places that aren't used to having winter, it is causing big problems. >> nearly 200 million americans are now in the path of a dangerous winter storm system, with warnings and alerts now stretching from the mexican border all the way to maine. >> 44 states on alert this morning. about 70% of the continental u.s. is covered in snow right now. that is the highest in a decade. >> nowhere is harder hit than texas, where more than 3 million
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homes and businesses are without power and heat. the electrical grid simply can't handle the demand. >> officials imposed rolling blackouts, saying the lack of energy is due in part to frozen wind turbines in west texas knocked offline. >> pipes freezing and bursting across the state, and these power lines sizzling, taken out by heavy ice in louisiana. >> slow down, slow down, slow down. >> frozen roads sent an 18-wheeler careening out of control near austin, and a man nearly lost his life jumping just seconds before a car lost control and crashed into a police cruiser. >> trevor: oh, hell no! trucks turning around? cars flying off the road? this storms that turned texas into that ice level from mario kart. ice level from mario kart. if i'm in texas right now, i'm carrying a green shell with me, just to be safe. and how about the guy that jumped out of the way of a flipping car. that was action-movie shit, like real-life action movie.
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the only thing missing was him turning to the camera after with a clever one-liner afterwards. "ice try, buddy." and you got to understand, this is especially tough for texans because they're not equipped for snow. they don't have snow shovels out there. their best bed is to grab their arrow 15's. "go back to canada where you belong!" but this just goes to show you that with climate change, everyone has to be prepared for every kind of condition, no matter where you live. you're in arizona? well, you better get a parka. minnesota? you need a big sun hat. new york? start carrying around anti-scorpion spray. that's not a climate change thing. my pet scorpion has escaped. if you find roger, please, lees, return him. it turns out there is a lot of reasons texas has suffered such a huge power outage. supply for terrorist is down, demand is surging.
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but experts say texas underinvested in their grid and it finally broke during the storm. i get it, spending money on infrastructure is probably the least sexy thing you can do with your tax dollar, but it's one of those things you're going to take for granted until you're in an emergency. it's like how people who built the "titanic" didn't focus on life boats. because they were too focused on providing cars for their passengers to bang in. but let's move on to news from new orleans, where the drinks are strong, the people are friendly, and the waynes are lil. today is mardi gras, when the city would normally throw its famous costumed parade. but in corona times, things are a little more subdued. >> it may be the quietest bourbon street has ever been on mardi gras. normally the heart of the city's most-iconic celebration, the french quarter, is virtually empty. almost a year into the pandemic, new orleans isn't taking any chances. it limited liquor sales and shut
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down all bars for the five days leading up to fat tuesday. >> it's not going to not be celebrated. it's just going to be celebrated differently. >> local artists are turning mardi gras into yardi gras, with themed outdoor displays inspired by both tradition and pop culture. even a global pandemic can't keep these beads away. >> trevor: yes, friends. this year, mardis gras is yardis gras. and i think this is the right move. the sooner the people of new orleans can stop the spread of covid, the sooner they can get back to spreading gonorrhea. and, yeah, it's sad. but it's just not safe to hold a mardis gras parade. i mean, during a pandemic, a tuba just turns into a covid firehose. but, honestly, i'm glad they found a way to celebrate safely mardi gras. you and i we can celebrate mardi gras from home over zoom. you just need some beans, you
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have the whole thing-- ma! someone broke the laptop! and, finally, there's some good news for disease expert and "pandemic zaddy," dr. anthony fauci-- the only person who may come out of the pandemic better off than he went into it. >> dr. anthony fauci is being honored for what's described as his work defending science during the pandemic. the israeli based dan david foundation says dr. fauci is being awarded a $1 million prize. the private foundation said president biden's chief medical adviser earned the recognition for a lifetime of leadership on h.i.v. research and aids relief, as well as advocating for science and coronavirus vaccines. >> trevor: wow. congratulations, dr. fauci. i mean the man has definitely earned this prize. because we all know he's getting a million dollars for working for trump and not getting fired. he's basically the most successful "apprentice" contestant of all time. and i hope fauci uses this money to get something nice for
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himself, like a diamond-studded facemask. although, he doesn't seem like a "ball out of control" kind of guy. i bet faucci just use the money to bribe people to keep fighting the pandemic. ( fauci ) "let's cut to the chase. i'll give you $1,000 if you don't go bowling tonight." i go to be honest, though-- i've never heard of this foundation before. and part of me hopes this isn't a coronavirus trap. dr. fauci is going to walk into the room to get his prize, and it's just going to be corona standing there with a baseball bat. well, well, well, dr. fauci. what do you say now! "i'm wearing a mask, so nothing much, really. "you want to take that mask off and fight me?" "no, that's going to make things harder for me. come on, fauci, help me out here." but let's move on to today's main story. the coronavirus pandemic has been hard on a lot of people in america: healthcare workers, parents, people with only a hot bottom half of the face. but there's one community that has faced a unique crisis:
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the asian community. and their situation has only been getting worse. >> a wave of violence against elderly asian americans putting communities across the country on edge. >> the coronavirus's origin in china has caused a backlash against asian americans. >> a 91-year-old man pushed in oakland's chinatown, one of three attacks that day. >> the spike in violence forcing the alameda county district attorney to form a special response special unit. >> president biden last month signing an executive order, with new justice department guidance on how to specifically report anti-asian hate incidents. hollywood stars speaking out, using their fame to raise awareness and donate funds to organizations that fight hate >> after seeing this video in oakland's chinatown, actors and producers daniel wu and daniel dae kim spoke out and offered a $25,000 reward for an arrest >> the way we see it is that it's not one community against another. it's everyone versus racism.
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>> trevor: all right, this is horrifying and sad to watch. people are attacking asians in america, even none-year-olds just because the coronavirus started in china. that's just insane. but good for daniel wu and daniel dae kim for putting up the cash reward for n arrest.but it's sad they eveno resort to this. i mean, if you know someone racially attacked a senior citizen, you should snitch on sight, no incentives needed. like, who is out there watching their tv like, "i mean, yeah, sure, i saw that dude attack an old asian man. but what's in it for me?" and while a lot of people are talking about this situation now, the truth is, it's not new. in fact, it's been building since the very beginning of the pandemic. >> the asian american community has been faced with effectively two pandemics. the first is the covid-19■ç pandemic, but the second
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pandemic is a virus of racism that we have faced. >> "asian americans advancing justice" has cited at least 3,000 anti-asian incidents since last february. in new york city, there was an 867% increase in asian hate crime victims in 2020 compared to the year before. >> advocates say these attacks became more prevalent after former president trump began routinely using racist language to describe the pandemic. >> chinatown was one of the earliest new york city communities to get hit during the coronavirus pandemic, and it was hit hard. many businesses still struggling to stay open now, nearly a year later. >> i think it was racism, people said, it's chinatown. there's bound to be covid there. >> and that stigma has sparked some dangerous incidents, some documented on social media. >> if you're from china i need to know. >> because why? >> because there's a coronavirus going around. and anyone from china, i'm told, has to be picket up and quarantined for two weeks.
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>> trevor: good lord. an 867% increase in crimes in new york city. and it's especially crazy when you consider that everyone was indoors all year. you know people are true assholes if they'll risk getting corona just to show how racist they are. but what can we do about this rising violence? here to share a few real ways you can help fight hate crimes against asian people in america, we turned to "the daily show's" very own ronny chieng. ronny, i'm sorry we're chatting under such sad circumstances, but it's always great to see your face. >> yes, thank you, trevor. it is always great to see my face. but you know what? now is not the time to talk about how incredibly handsome i am or how i'm somehow getting better with age. this other issue is more important. >> trevor: we definitely agree on that. so how can people help fight these hate crimes? >> so, there are a few big ways
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people can help. i mean, number one, if you see a hate crime or harassment or discrimination, report it. because if the authorities don't hear about hate crimes, they won't do anything about it. but if yu have a mountain of evidence, it's impossible to ignore what's happening-- unless you're a republican in an impeachment trial. >> trevor: well, i mean, of course, yes, but that's a totally different issue. the question is how can i, or anyone else, report a hate crime. >> you can use the website below. it's quick and super easy to use. you can report a hate crime in less time than it takes to decide what netflix show to watch. i mean, did you know they have six different shows about tacos now? i only have room in my life for one taco show, okay? two, if the taco is also a serial killer. >> trevor: oh, yeah, dude, that taco was super guilty. i don't know why people were like #taco guilty. let's move on. what about people who aren't seeing hate crimes happening in front of them? how can they help? >> if you're in an area where these attacks have been happening, volunteer to be a chaperone.
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organizations like "compassion in oakland" will connect you with asian elders to help keep them safe when they're walking around. and it's a win-win situation, because elderly asians have so much knowledge to give, like learning how to negotiate the best price for anything. one conversation, and you'll never overpay for shrimp paste again. trevor, how much are you paying for your shrimp paste right now? >> trevor: right now? i don't-- i don't buy shrimp paste. what do you use that for, glue shrimp together. >> okay, well, that's another hate crime i'll be reporting. >> trevor: no, ronny, no. i love shrimp paste. >> it's too late, trevor. but if you want to make up for it, you can donate to one of working hard to support and protect the asian community. i know you've got the money from all your shrimp paste savings. >> trevor: thank you, ronny this has been really informative. so to sum up, people can help by reporting hate crimes, by chaperoning the vulnerable, and by donating to organizations fighting hate. >> yes. oh, and there is one more way to help-- ( yelling )
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don't be a racist asshole who attacks old asian people! what the (bleep) is wrong with you? shoving an old lady isn't going to make your dick any bigger. just buy a convertible, like everybody else! okay, i think that's everything. yeah, i think we can finally talk about how good looking i've become. >> trevor: um, i'm sorry, ronny, but, unfortunately, we've just run out of time. >> oh, that's cool. you can just email me at my any compliments at: kind trying if the inbox is full. >> i'll let you know. thank you, ronny. you stay safe and handsome out there. all right, when we come back, roy wood jr. tells us about the roy wood jr. tells us about the black doctor ♪♪
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♪♪ ♪ and we'll rise up ♪ high like the waves ♪ i'll rise up ♪ in spite of the ache
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♪ i'll rise up ♪ and i'll do it a thousand times again ♪ ♪ for you ♪ for you ♪ for you welcome the rainbow. taste the rainbow.
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majestic mountains... scenic coastal highways... fertile farmlands... there's lots to love about california. so put off those chores and use less energy from 4 to 9 pm when less clean energy is available. because that's power down time.
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today we have the microsoft surface pro7 and the macbook pro. the surface comes with a pen, and it is touchscreen. mac gave me this little bar, but why can't they just give me a whole touchscreen? the surface pro has a detachable keyboard. now with the mac, you're kind of just stuck with what you got. about the surface, yes you can run your favorite apps on it. it has the power to run all your apps. it is a much better gaming device. i love my games. then there's the price. yeah. it all starts with an invitation...
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(engine revs) ♪ ♪ experience lexus. don't miss the invitation to lexus sales event. now through march 31st. experience amazing at your lexus dealer. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." february, as you know, is black history month. and we're celebrating it all month along with roy wood jr. honoring the unsung heroes of black history in another episode of "c.p. time." ♪ ♪ ♪ >> oh, hello. welcome to "c.p. time," the only show that's for the culture. today, we'll be discussing the history of black doctors. and i know that nowadays there are black doctors everywhere. on the sexy tv shows, in the rapin' studios. even in the state penitentiary. there are so many black doctors we even have faith black
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doctors, like dr. love, the 17-year-old who put on a white lab coat and gave medical advice until he was arrested. i'm glad he got caught before he gave me that vasectomy. money saved. but while black doctors may seen commonplace today, for the longest time, black people's contributions to the field of medicine have been overlooked. by "overlooked" i mean stolen by white people. so let's discover some of these black professionals, starting with dr. charles drew. during the second world war, dr. drew conducted groundbreaking research into blood transfusions that led to the creation of blood banks, which saved the lives of thousands of soldiers. dr. drew's research undoubtedly helped allied forces defeat the nazis. and it helped matt damon get home. but in 1942, the military decided to segregate blood banks
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by race, and in response, dr. drew resigned in protest. and i applaud him for that. getting blood donations from one race isn't going to change your race. trust me. i received plasma from a white man once. it did not affect my credit score at all. moving on, another black doctor who overcame racism and sexism was dr. alice ball. dr. ball developed the first effective treatment for leperacy by chemically modifying chimugra oil to make it water soluble. i have no idea what any of that means, but it sound smart. makes me wonder if this chimugrra might help me with my skin. this pandemic has my washing my hands so much i'm going through two bottles of lotion a week. you know how much this cost? moving on to dr. daniel hill williams, who in 1893, performed the world's first successful heart surgery.
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interestingly enough,■ç williams start offside as a barber, which makes sense-- the only thing with higher stakes than performing the first heart surgery is cutting a black man's hair. you don't want to mess that up. dr. williams was a pioneer, and his work opened the door for other black surgeons, like the world-famous neurosurgeon ben carson. dr. carson made a name for himself in the 1980s by separating conjoined twins. and that's what i choose to remember him for. great job on that surgery, dr. carson. finally, we must ness onesmus, a black man who made contributions even while enslaved. during a smallpox outbreak, he taught his master about inoculation practices he had learned in africa. over there, they would take the pus from a sick person's wound
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and rub it into the open wound of a healthy person. it's nasty, but it works. eventually, the idea caught on, and massachusetts vaccinated its population and stemmed the outbreak. and today, people's mistrust of vaccines is a thing of the past. totally a thing of the past. never to be discussed ever again. well, that's all the the time we have today. i'm roy wood jr. and this has been "c.p. time" from home. and, remember, we're for the culture. i have to call dr. love, see if he's out of jail. that vasectomy, i still might need to get that. >> trevor: all right, when we come back, the one and only bill gates is joining us on the show to talk about the vaccine microchip he's putting in all our heads.
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♪ ♪ smell irresistible. new axe. millions of people choose natrol melatonin to help them get a good night's sleep, instead of lying awake, worried about tomorrow. like carmen. her shift starts at 6am. and anthony. he has a massive presentation. i'm stressed just thinking about it. two more satisfied customers of natrol melatonin. tonight, i'll be eating the al pastor burrito from boca burritos right here in aurora. (doorbell rings) excellent as a local access show,
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we want everyone to support local restaurants. right cardi b? yeah! eat local! (trill sound) if you vape nicotine, yeah! you could be inhaling toxic metals like nickel, chromium, and lead that can damage your lungs. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." earlier today, i spoke with bill gates. we talked about corona virus vaccines, his new book about climb change and so much more. bill gates, welcome back to "the daily social distancing show." >> good to see you. >> trevor: this is the third time you have appeared on the social distancing version of the show, and we've had varied conversations. one, right at the beginning of
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the pandemic, where you told people that we should be prepared for a really horrible time that was going to, like, you know, roll out. people didn't believe it, and then it happened. you came back the second time and said, okay, vaccines are going to be a challenge, and this is what we need to get ready for, and that is what we're living in now. it is now your third time on the show. are you here to deliver doom and gloom, or you're telling us about some good news. why are you here, bill? >> well, for the pandemic, the vaccines are going to bring this to an end. it's, you know, been complicated to get them out. but, you know, that's really a miracle of innovation. now i'm warning about climate change. i've got a new book that focuses on how we avoid a disaster. >> trevor: before we get into the book, i wanted to talk to you about the vaccines. you posted a picture of yourself receiving your vaccine as somebody who is 65 and older. and as you know from the internet, you made the vaccines to put microchips in them to control everybody's minds.
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so my question to you is what are you trying to control your own mind to do? are you trying to, like, stop yourself from eating ice cream? what are you trying to do? >> whenever i get lost, the microchip can help me figure out where i am, i guess. the idea i want to figure out where everyone is-- that's a strange one for me. i'm lucky to have gotten the vaccine. it's the first time i've been happy to be 65. ( laughter ). >> trevor: let's move on and talk about another looming crisis facing the world. you've talked a lot about the pandemic. now are you talking about climate change. in your new boork you talk about how to avoid a climate disaster. the question is, is it avoidable? >> well, this will be the hardest thing eave ever done because the sources of emissions are very broad. you know it's not just just terrorist or cars. it's also cows, it's cement, it's steel, it's planes. and so we have to change all those things to be green, and we only have 30 years.
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so only if the younger generation worldwide is kind of bothering the politicians and speaking out loudly that morally, this is a cause that they believe in, only with that, a lot of innovation, some brilliant policies, that's what will-- what it will take to make this grand transformation. >> trevor: it feels like a theoretical conversation, though. you know, what i did enjoy in the book is you've laid out steps that you think people can actually take and governments can actually move forward to. what do you think some of the most concrete steps are that we can achieve today that can help us tomorrow? >> well, we need to increase our funding on these key topics. we need to have more high-risk companies get started who care about these things. and we need the green products, like the green steel, we need demand out there, so people are bringing those prices down, they get volume. we've seen with electric cars
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the right things are happening. the prices are starting to come down. you know, general motors said by 2035 they don't think they'll need to make gasoline cars. so it is that extra cost, where you pay a bit more, you give up range. over the next 14 years, that green premium, i call it, will go down to zero in that category. and that's amazing. we just need to do that across the dozen or so categories by driving innovation faster than it would normally take place. >> trevor: you know, one of the things that i've always been struck by is how sometimes the conversations are about what needs to be done, but then oftentimes, there is no buy-in, because nobody sort of, like, wants to do it. that's why i think elon mufng has done a great job with tesla. yeah, it's an electric car. but most people don't buy it for that. they buy it because it's super cool, it goes really fast, and it's technologically advanced. are there ways we can get green
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energy to grow exponentially by making cool solution as opposed to telling everyone, "you need to switch out your terrorist with a windmill?" >> as you move away from coal, there's a lot of local pollution that affects health very negatively. so there's big benefits there. as you move to artificial meat, the kind of cruelty to animals that is involved there, and, you know, perhaps in less cholesterol. there are a lot of benefits that come with green products. sadly, some green products, like green cement, it's still just cement. so the fact that it costs more, you know, the government's got to help create some demand there. and so we can bring that price down. so, yes, some categories can be better products. but steel and cement are kind of this boring thing that we just take for granted. and so we've been working too much on the easy stuff, not enough on the hard stuff here. >> trevor: let's talk a little bit about the hard stuff, not
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just in terms of the products, but about the people who are affected by the products. how do we implement these ideas without discarding the lives that are attached to the old forms of creating energy or food? >> well, the key is going to be having lots of new jobs. , you know, for example, the electric network will have to get bigger because it's powering the cars or heating and cooling your house. that's going to be three times bigger. and building all those transmission lines and power plant will be a big deal. now, that's not say that some communities that have been really focused on things like oil, they will have a transition. it's a 30-year transition. we still will be using some oil in the decades ahead. and so we have to put into the cost of this transition how we manage those communities that are affected. because right now, there's almost a temptation to deny the
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problem all together, because if you feel like you're going to be left out of the solution, you just-- you just want■ç denial. >> trevor: there's also no denying that developing nations are most affected by climate change. so you have, you know, farmers in india, farmers in sub-saharan africa where their climates have changed to the point where they can't even grow the food. is there ever an idea for, like, a penalty then on the countries that do emit? if you're doing a thing-- let's say just on a local level, if i started a fire in my house, and the smoke blacked up all of your windows next door, someone would say, "i have to somehow make up for that." will there ever be a system like that where the biggest polluters enter into a deal■ç and say we will sort of pay or amend what we are doing to poorer countries? >> yes. we owe it to these countries to not only mitigate-- that is, get get the emissions down to zero-- and that's the huge innovation.
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also we need to help them because it will warm up two degrees centigrade and that will hurt all the crops. raise the sea level. we owe it to them to help with adaptation. that includes a generation of seeds that can grow in the hotter temperatures and are more productive so they don't end up with ma malnutrition, and we'll face mass migration from those equatorial areas. the poorest, they are farmers so the weather hurts them way more than us. wildfire, sea level rise, even we will find it tough to go outdoors in the summer. when we look at the world of climate change, it's filled with the world of super stars. who is getting involved in climate change. it's bill gates, jeff basisose, michael bloomberg, leonardo dicaprio, et cetera. the one thing that becomes i think a paradox, though, is when
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people say these people are telling us about climate change, but all of them also travel around on private jets. how do you deal with that discrepancy and the paradox of existing in that way. >> i'm kind of a strange imagine. my primary focus is global health, and i talked about the risk of a pandemic and what we should do in advance. you know, climate change i only came to because i was traveling in africa, and have had seen how these farmers were already being hurt by it. my personal emissions, i'm now paying over $7 million a year to buy aviation biofuel, and pay for carbon capture, and to put electric heat pumps into low-cost housing instead of natural gas. so, yes, we all need to not only fund getting rid of our footprint, but also use that to fund these products that will eventually be part of the solution. and so, this catalytic investing
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in green products, you know, the rich have to be the first to show they're going to do it. >> trevor: yeah, you've already put in, i think it's over $2 billion into some of these ideas now to try to capture that carbon. and as we wrap up, i would love for you to explain-- and this is something you've talked about and it was nice to read elements of this in the book-- you argue that the pandemic and climate change are not dissimilar. please explain how. >> yeah, so we count our governments to think ahead about earthquakes so they do building codes. or, you know, about wars so they, you know, fund a defense department that does war games. in these two cases, the pandemic and the climate children our governments aren't bringing in the best experts and figuring out an efficient way to avoid this disaster. you know, because it didn't seem luke a pandemic would come
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overnight, no politician felt like they'd get in trouble. and, you know, so the u.s. looked bad. some countries that were more ready, like australia, avoided most of those deaths. so because climate change is far worse and once you get into it and the natural ecosystems are dying, you can't invent one thing like a vaccine and get out of it. this should tell us, wow, let's start now, to get ready. and government is going to have to lead the way. >> trevor: well, it's a really ominous warning, but one that i guess if you're an optimist, you go, at least there is a game plan because we're not dealing with all of it right now. bill gates, thank you so much for joining us on the show. good luck with your endeavors, and we hope to see you again. >> great to talk to you. >> trevor: bill's new book, "how to avoid a climate disaster," is available now. okay, we're going to take a quick break, but we'll be right back after this.revor: that's or
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tonight, but before we go: "the daily show" is launching a new clothing line called the monchrome collection. it's a new line of clothing and gear, and 100% of its proceeds will be donated to the equal justice initiative. the e.j.i. is a great organization that works to end mass incarceration, excessive punishment, and racial inequality. so, if you want to check it out, scan the q.r. code below or head to, and you can support e.j.i. and look fresh all at the same time. until tomorrow, stay safe out there, wear a mask, and remember: if you're celebrating mardi gras at home, you can show yourself your own boobs in the mirror. now, here it is,your moment of
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zen. >> and, finally, the must-see stunt on a partially frozen canal. >> it happened in amsterdam, a daredevil gliding over the ice and then, face plant. yeah, that one has to hurt. >> it really does. >> his body is tingling as we speak. but he plays it off. good for for him. don't try it at [ music thumping ] ♪♪ oof, i feel silly. they're not gonna let us in! will you just come on. you gotta loosen up, mr. adler. but this is the most popular place in town right now! we can get in! just comb your hair, you know, look your best. i can get us in. ♪♪ come on, man. we've been waiting for hours!
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you guys have plenty of vaccinations in there, just let us in, man. 55 and older and first responders only. on, uh, hey, uh, we'd like to get in there and get some vaccinations, mkay. are you on the list? well, no, i'm not on the list. i tried to get on the list. i sat on my computer 30 nights in a row trying to make a vaccination appointment and get on the god damn list. look the thing is we are school faculty, mkay. you gotta let us in! no, no, you have to let in people with health issues first! i am a chain smoker and my wife is 39 pounds overweight! i have a compromised immune system! i have genital warts, and i will show them to you! over 55, first responders and group 2b only! now beat it! hey, hey, man, i'm a friend of dan roberts -- he's a dental assistant in conifer... get the [bleep] outta here. i said you're not gettin' in! you're wastin your time! oh, hello, ma'am. right this way. crowd: awww! 79, bitch-esssss! -booooo! -you suck! you suck you stupid old people!
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[ indistinct conversations ] stan, kyle, can you come over here real quick? recess is almost over, dude. just come here please, it's important. hey, kenny, i got the guys, okay? you wanna talk or you want me to talk? you can talk. you guys, kenny and i are feeling like, even though things are supposedly getting better with the pandemic, we're more depressed than ever. the four of us just seem really different towards each other and we're worried the past year has put a strain on our broship. kenny was saying he wants to do everything he can to save the broship, and i agree with him. so we had a really positive talk about it during lunch, and kenny shared some ideas of how maybe we can navigate through this, and i think we came up with a great idea. okay, so, you know how chicks have periods right?
11:44 pm
-what? -it's true! women have 'periods' where they bleed from their vagina. remember earlier today, stan, you said our teacher was wearing white? so when we talked i said to kenny, oh, what if teacher got her period?," which cheered us up a bit and then we realized today was hamburger day for lunch. there was lots of ketchup laying around. so me and kenny snuck into the classroom during recess and put it on the teacher's chair, and now when we get back to class there's gonna be a bunch of ketchup on the teacher's chair and when she stands up it's gonna totally look like she got her period! [ laughs ] it's going to be amazing, you guys. i'm so excited! [ bell rings ] okay, class. hope everyone had a good lunch. [ laughs ] okay, how did everyone do on their fractions? are there any questions. i know the last few were a little tricky. [ squish ] nnnnnnnnnnnn nmrmrrrmrmrmmrrrr... shhh! kyle, kyle! shhhh! mrs. nelson, i couldn't figure out number 14. number 14. okay. well, let's look at it together. kids: ewwwwww! [ laughter ] what? what? what is -- what is this? oh, my god. teacher had her period! gross!


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