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tv   The Daily Show  Comedy Central  July 8, 2019 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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(whispering) i love you. - july 8, 2019. [patriotic music] from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, "the daily show with trevor noah" presents... - msnbc is so corrupt. it's so disgusting. so disgusting. here's the good news: the guys that we love, right? they're blowing them away in the ratings. [cheers and applause] hannity, laura ingraham, tucker carlson, steve doocy, ainsley, brian, so many others. they're blowing them away in the ratings. oh, excuse me, i almost forgot. i would have been in big trouble. the great lou dobbs, right?
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[cheers and applause] - what? how is this the president of the united states? he sounds like a kid saying good night to his favorite stuffed animals. good night, hannity bear. nighty night, tucker. sleep tight, double deuce. who am i forgetting? of course, the great lou dobbs. lou dobbs, you fell under the bed. and you might think that was weird, but something tells me on monday morning the fox anchors came into work like this. - hannity, laura ingraham, tucker carlson, steve doocy. ainsley, brian, the great lou dobbs, right? - they're loving it. [eerie music] so, though it was only 35 days, the government shutdown's effects will continue to hurt america for a while. and maybe it would have been all worth it for trump if he had gotten some of that sweet, sweet war money, but he folded with nothing to show for it. - anyone out there by the way, thinking president trump caved today,
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you don't really know the donald trump i know. he right now holds all the cards. he will secure the border one way or another. - i don't see it as a cave. i see this as a process. this is a half time, uh, stop in the action. - so did he cave? did he not? the answer is absolutely he did not cave. - he did not cave. he made a tactical decision, a strategy decision to pick the ground to fight on. - to pick the ground to fight on. to pick the ground. you know, this--i'm sorry. this is unbelievable. no matter what trump does, he's always a mastermind who's accomplishing precisely what he wanted to do. like if trump was boxing and he got knocked out cold, like jeanine pirro would be like, "brilliant. "another strategic consciousness pause "by president trump. "you can't get knocked down if you stay on the ground." [laughter] [eerie music] no one knows.
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no one knows for sure what's hiding in trump's taxes, but last night, the new york "times" found out what he used to be hiding. - this morning a bombshell report in the new york "times" is casting doubt on president trump's self-proclaimed wealth. the "times" reporting it has obtained years worth of previously unrevealed figures from the president's federal income tax returns. the real estate mogul spent at least 10 years in the red, reporting business losses totaling over $1 billion from 1985 to 1994. according to the "times," year after year, mr. trump appears to have lost more money than nearly any other individual american taxpayer. - holy shit. for 10 years, donald trump might have lost more money than any person in america. that is crazy. the guy who lost the most money is the same guy who claims to be the best businessman. it's like finding out that hugh hefner died a virgin.
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i did not see that coming. and you might think it's bad news for trump to be exposed like this, but that's because you're looking at all of this the wrong way. - he lost a lot of money over the course of 10 years, if you consider a billion dollars a lot of money. - if anything, you read this and you're like, "wow," it's pretty impressive all the things that he's done in his life. it's beyond what most of us could ever achieve. - i- i don't know that there's any suggestion that he broke the law. - you know, say what you will about "fox & friends," but when they are with you, they are with you. ride or die. that's the squad i want in my life. they'll spin any negative into a positive. like every leader would be lucky to have that kind of support. if kim jong-un had a "fox & friends," they'd be like, "this haircut is the best one yet." every leader. hitler's "fox & friends" would have been like, "you know, the haters are saying that "he's a mass murderer und he lost the war, "but people don't focus on how well-traveled he was. "yeah, all the way from paris to russia in just a year, yeah. "and charlie chaplin even made a movie about him.
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how many people can say that? yeah." [eerie music] but maybe the most shocking scandal roiling the democratic party right now, is that cory booker is a healthy eater. - first off, if cory booker became president, america would have its first vegan president. - so is 2020 democratic contender cory booker trying to impart his vegan, animal free diet on the rest of us? he says that eggs, he discovered, do not align with his spirit. - eggs do not align with his spirits? that sounds like a really classy way of saying eggs give me diarrhea. cory booker's walking out of the bathroom like, "you might wanna give that a minute. i had a spiritual crisis in there." but look, i don't even understand how this is on the news. i say, if cory booker wants to be a vegan president, he should go for it. his diet choices are his business.
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they don't affect anyone else. or at least that's what i thought. - good luck running for president trying to take away meat. - are democrats really trying to take the white house on a platform of banning meat? - he wants to be the most powerful person in the world and he wants to impose his meat rationing on the rest of us. when you're eating a steak and you go yum, yum, yum, that is so delicious. - right! - what does--what does cory booker counter that with? - so lock your freezers, save your meat now. you may need it. it would be very valuable, a great investment for years to come. - oh, man, you know, i'll tell you that i feel so bad for people who take fox news seriously. it's gotta be so much work because they're always telling you, it's like, "the democrats are coming for your shit. "you've gotta stockpile a lifetime supply of meat. "you've gotta stockpile guns. "you've gotta keep your fossil fuels, your bibles, "american flags, confederate statues. "there must be one closet at your house that's just chaos, complete chaos."
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fox news is like reverse marie kondo, "just put everything in your house as long as it sparks rage." [eerie music] for brightness and clarity. coors light is cold filtered. the world's most refreshing beer. coors light. i'm truly amazed at the effect thathank you, bob!ple. laso you can enjoy it even ifst you're sensitive. se. yet some say it isn't real milk. i guess those cows must actually be big dogs. sit! i said sit!
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[eerie music] ♪ - alexandria ocasio-cortez. by now, you probably know her as congress's superstar freshman democrat or if you watch fox news, what would happen if stalin was good at instagram? either way, you cannot deny she's making waves, because she's only been in office for six weeks. but already, she's put forward a blueprint to combat climate change which is one of the more ambitious policy proposals washington has seen in a very long time and it's called the green new deal.
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- we are going to transition this country into the future. - the green new deal calls for a 10-year national mobilization. the goal in one short decade to bring greenhouse gas emissions to zero, meet 100 percent of energy needs by renewable sources, overhaul transportation systems. - expanding a high speed rail to, "a scale where air travel stops becoming necessary." - it would modernize us infrastructure upgrade or replace every building for energy efficiency. - bring equality and equal justice for undeserved minority and impoverished communities. - the main part of the bill is about climate change and ocasio-cortez is right that the us needs to take drastic measures to prevent climate change's worst effects. of course, over at fox news, as soon as they heard "cortez" and "climate change," sirens started going off like bin laden just emerged from the ocean holding at aquaman's trident. they were like, "this is not a drill!
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we have a code aoc! man your battle stations." - what is this green new deal? answer: radical environmental socialism. - one of the most dangerous, impractical, misguided economically guaranteed to be devastating plans ever. - there is another victim of the green new deal is ice cream, livestock will be banned. - green new deal wants to go after flatulent cows, so what are they saying? we're gonna ban hamburgers and americans are never gonna have a barbecue and flip a hamburger again? - no more steak. i guess government forced veganism is in order. - yeah, they'll force feed us broccoli while giving us a tofu enema, yeah. we're all gonna be gang-banged by vegetables, yeah. yeah, that eggplant emoji not funny anymore. yeah. [laughter] you know, you know what i love about american politics is that whenever someone in the opposing party says something, there is this weird thing where you immediately have to take the exact opposite position.
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ocasio-cortez says that cow farting contributes to climate change, which is true, by the way. it's true. and all of a sudden fox news is like "cow farts are the smell of freedom, okay. "every time a cow farts, george washington gives me a thumbs-up from the grave." [eerie music] so, desi, i have to ask. what do you think about female candidates getting less coverage than the males? - well, i'm offended, trevor, not just as a woman, but as a person who enjoys camera time. - ye--yeah, desi, and you know what's really messed up is-- - no, no, no, no, no, no, no, camera, stay on me. stay on me. nice try, trevor. and female candidates aren't just getting less camera time. when they do get coverage, people talk about them like this. - kamala harris, she's running for president. she does what she does. she's snitty. she did her little thing. - that's kirsten gillibrand. she reminds me of a wafer. you know, you put it in your mouth, it's odorless, it's colorless,
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and then you think to yourself, "what did i just eat?" - senator harris has california and south carolina advantages. she's very attractive. elizabeth warren is a scold. - elizabeth warren has a likability problem. - kamala, she wouldn't even answer any of their questions. instead, she just acted like she is beautiful, which is how she handles everything. do you think she's beautiful? - look at those pipes, smooch. - yeah. it's not doing it for me. - no? - i just gotta be honest with you. yeah, i mean, she's--she's-- she's not gonna make the next jane fonda fitness video. - oohh, scaramucci with the burn. i think he's just mad that she lasts longer in the gym than he did in the white house. [cheers and applause] yeah, you know what? you know what, instead of mocking female candidates based on their looks, scaramucci should be out looking for his neck. look, there is just something about
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a woman running for president that brings all the sexism to the surface. and i don't have to remind you what happened in the 2008 election, but i will anyway. - men won't vote for hillary clinton because she reminds them of their nagging wives. - is there somebody in your life whose voice just sticks in your ear like an ice pick? well, hillary clinton has a voice like that. it makes me-- makes me envy the deaf. - she's also shrill, angry, and she needs to lighten up a little bit. - when hillary clinton speaks, men hear, "take out the garbage." - there's just something about it that feels castrating, overbearing, and scary. - i have often said, "when she comes on television, i involuntarily cross my legs." - okay, first of all, that was horrendous, but also...castrating? crossing your legs? tucker, what's going on with your balls? [eerie music]
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hey siri, play me something new. ♪ music playing ♪ ♪ it was just past one when two three men from four five ♪ ♪ step to me door like ♪ oh my gosh ♪ just throw that cash in a black bag ♪ ♪ run around the back and ♪ pull up the track, cause yaow ♪ ♪ i just learnt some jazz today, it's true ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn ♪ ♪ you gon' learn, hey ♪ ♪
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[eerie music] ♪ - fox news. it's the number one cable news network in america, and probably the last thing your grandpa saw before he died, and right now, fox news is at the center of a big debate among democrats, who are running for president. - elizabeth warren's refusal to hold a town hall on fox has sparked a debate among democrats in the 2020 field. to fox or not to fox? - fox news is a hate-for-profit racket. i'll talk to fox news reporters, but what i'm not gonna do is give them a full hour of my time, so they can raise money, and they can raise credibility off it.
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- that's right. elizabeth warren, for one, is refusing to go on fox news, which is a little ironic because her tribal name is woman who talks to fox. but i do understand where warren is coming from. you see, fox news at this point often acts more like a propaganda outlet than a news outlet. so, why would you go on there and give them legitimacy? you don't argue with a crazy person on the subway who says, "the earth is flat." we all know that the earth is round, right? with a little handle on the top so that god can spin it. that's--yeah, i mean, what do you think? it just spins on its own? you guys are crazy. but seeing as there's 200 democrats running for president, there's bound to be differing opinions on how to deal with fox news. while elizabeth warren and kamala harris are avoiding fox news like cooties, bernie sanders, vermont senator and guy who uses a walgreens bag as a briefcase, has gone for a different approach. he went on fox and held an hour long town hall. - millions of people every single year lose their health insurance. now what we are talking about actually is stability,
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that when you have a medicare for all, it is there now and will be there in the future. -senator-- - a show of hands of how many people get their insurance from work, private insurance? right now! how many get it from private insurance? okay, now of those, how many are willing to transition to what the senator says, a government run system? - wow, that had to be a shocking thing for fox news viewers to watch. all right. turning on their tvs, and seeing a crowd cheering for a socialist's plan for medicare for all. in fact, that's probably what killed your grandpa. that's what that was. but you see what bernie sanders did there was interesting. right, he didn't pander to the fox audience. he stuck to his principles and, by the end, the audience was on his side, which ends up being good for the democrats, because normally when fox viewers hear about medicare for all, it's stuff like, "the government will only pay for your pills if you go trans." and that's what elizabeth warren's point about legitimizing fox news.
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pete buttigieg, he showed that there's not necessarily the case, right? he showed that you can do it a different way. because the mayor of south bend, indiana, and host of "nathan for you," he did a fox hall. he did a fox town hall on sunday. and he showed that visiting fox doesn't have to mean that you endorse them. - you know a lot of folks in my party were critical of me for even doing this with fox news. i mean, when you got tucker carlson saying that immigrants make america dirty, when you've got laura ingraham comparing detention centers with children in cages to summer camps, then there is a reason why anybody has to swallow hard and think twice before participating in this media ecosystem. but i also believe that there are a lot of americans who my party can't blame if they are ignoring our message 'cause they will never hear it if we don't go on and talk about it. i hope you'll join me in making sure that that next era is better than any that we've had so far. [cheers and applause]
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- thank you, mayor. thank you. wow, a standing ovation. - wow, standing ovation. pete buttigieg went on fox news, trashed their most popular anchors, and then got a standing ovation at the end. that is amazing. [cheers and applause] that is amazing. because--because if someone came to your house and told you how ugly your kids were, you'd probably be like, "get the hell out of here." you wouldn't be like... "someone had to say it. "you got a big-ass head, billy, you've got a big-ass head. someone had to say it." and it wasn't just the audience. some reporters on fox news actually credited buttigieg for coming onto their network. but the kids with the big-ass heads, they weren't as happy. - mayor pete, who desperately needs a reboot-tigieg.
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now when he wasn't pushing for tax increases or lobbying lame cheap shots, he was trying to pass off political pablum as some type of high-minded oratory. maybe we should call him pope pete, because don't you love how he, you know, he-- because he attends church we're supposed to treat him as the be-all and end-all moral authority, or the arbiter of who is and who is not operating in good faith. - okay. i get that laura ingraham is trying to diss pete, but i don't know if she achieved that by calling him "pope." people like the pope. it's not a great diss. it's like going, "you know this guy steve "is always walking around, being a dick to everyone. "let's call him big dick steve. "that will show him. then everyone will know "what a big throbbing dick he has-- i-i mean is." so laura ingraham, tucker carlson, and brian kilmeade,
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they were all pretty pissed with buttigieg's star turn on fox, but there was one fox viewer who was downright heartbroken. - last night i watched alfred e. neuman. what's going on with fox, by the way? what's going on there? they putting more democrats on than you have republicans. it's something strange is going on at fox, something very strange. did you see this guy last night? i did wanna watch it. you always have to watch the competition, if you call it that. and he was knocking the hell out of fox and fox is--but somebody is going to have to explain the whole fox deal to me. - oh, poor trump. you realize what happened here. the news network that he loves the most, flirted with a younger hotter candidate and--and he's clearly shook. he's clearly shook. you heard when his voice broke. "what is going on with fox?"
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the world's most refreshing beer. coors light. [eerie music] ♪ - new york state lawmakers will consider making it illegal for pedestrians to text or even look at their phones while crossing the street. fines under a new bill would range from $25 to $250 for repeat offenders. exceptions would be made for emergencies. - so how do new yorkers feel about this new law? well, the folks over at "fox and friends," they wanted to find out. so they sent a man named steve doocy to find out. - we've been watching all sorts of people walking by with their texting device. excuse me, ma'am. hello, hello, excuse me. going forward, you could get fined $250.
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is that a bad idea? or a good idea? - i really don't wanna. - okay. i don't think she has-- she's in a hurry to go to work. okay, this guy right over here. hi, how are you? looking at this guy right here. see he's using his phone to-- hi, excuse me, can i ask you a question? can you tell that new york city is a very busy place? here's a guy. i'm going to surprise him. i'm going to see if i can get his attention. excuse me, excuse me, sir. hi, excuse me. can i ask you a question? - oh, man. oh, man. you realize that last guy was literally about to step into the traffic, rather than talk to steve doocy. he was like, "uh, taxi, fox news, "taxi, fox news-- i'll take a chance with the taxi." [eerie music] [mellow music] - what are you going to do when we get to america?
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- i just want to find work quickly so i can send money home to my family. what about you? - my husband has already been there for two years, so i'm joining him. - how wonderful. what about you, blanca? - it's very dangerous in my city now. i just want a safe place to live. - oh. and you, stranger? [dark music] ♪ - i'll tell you what i'm gonna do, old man. as soon as i get to america, i'm going to commit massive vote fraud. that's right. i'm gonna get 3 million of my amigos together, and we're just gonna do it. then i'm gonna take jobs from hardworking americans. yes, first the farm jobs, then the factory jobs, and then [bleep] it, i'll get into a graduate program through affirmative action, and i'm gonna take the lawyer jobs and the doctor jobs and the aerospace engineer jobs. but then i'm gonna be too lazy to work.


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