tv The Daily Show Comedy Central November 15, 2016 11:00pm-11:37pm PST
[patriotic music] ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with trevor noah! ( cheers and applause ) ♪ >> trevor: thank you so much, everybody! thank you and thank you for tuning in! welcome to "the daily show." i'm trevor noah. my guests tonight desus nice and the kid mero. first, breaking news about the new trump administration. >> ben carson will not accept
the cabinet position. an advisor to carson said the former presidential candidate does not believe he has the experience necessary to run an entire agency. >> trevor: i'm sorry. what?! ben carson doesn't think he's qualified to run an agency? he wanted to run all the agencies! i don't understand, ben, what were you thinking when you were running for president? was he actually asleep that whole time and now he's like, i just had the craziest dream... ( laughter ) what are you doing, ben? i'm not saying ben carson is qualified for a cabinet position but as a doctor, i feel he's morph quawferld than anyone else donald trump knows. i wouldn't be surprised if trump gives it to antone you who spent five years on a hospital tv show. eight months after endorsing donald trump, that's a weird time to have a moment of collar tivment no wonder people are
judging ben carson right fowvment i will say just maybe carson started warning us about this a year ago, but he moved so slow -- ( laughter ) -- that the warning only came out now. he was saying this last year -- nobody should be in government -- without experience -- merry christmas 2015, everybody. ( laughter ) all right, well, let's get back to real life or whatever we're calling this thing now. donald trump will be the next president of the united states and it's a confusing time, but luckily we've got news experts. >> trump won, so what now? >> we have no idea what trump is going to do. >> we may not know who we're getting. >> there is a great unknown about what donald trump is going to do. >> no one on the planet knows what donald trump is going to do. >> trevor: that's true, no one on the plant knows what donald trump is going to do including donald trump. his president is basically going
to be a high-stakes improv scene -- all right, i need a location, thank you, thank you. you've probably heard of many americans saying they want to move to canada, yeah, which is slightly presumps, in my opinion. like canada is just going to wave you in. you realize canada has a very strict immigration policy. to be eligible, you have to name at least six cities in canada, which is actually pretty easy. i mean, there is vancouver, montreal, quebec, toronto, nickelback and sylindian. a man in the audience asked me whether i am going to run away back to south africa. i find it slightly ironic. before trump, people hated me saying go back to africa!
now they like me saying, you should really go back to africa. ( laughter ) here's the thing, running to africa won't necessarily shield me from trumpness. when i first started hosting the "the daily show," i said donald trump reminds me of an african dictator, and we have the evidence to back it up. >> i am the one who has got the money. >> i make a tremendous amount of money. >> my people have great praise for me. >> people love me. everybody loves me. >> i have a very good friend. >> god helped me by giving me a certain brain. >> we will be winning all the time. >> we will have so much winning if i get elected that you may get bored with winning! ( laughter ) >> trevor: remember that? although i admit, i feel like i owe african dictators an apology. they were probably watching this election like, no, no, no, no, no... i might kill people, but to grab someone by the pussy, no, no, no, no, no. no, no, no, no, no.
i have decorum, huh? what kind of a man grabs it? you touch it, maybe rub it. why you grab it? maybe your hands are small, that's why you have to grab, huh? no, no, no, no. ( laughter ) the thought of donald trump as a dictator was funnier when him in power was hypothetical. now america decides to shake things up and now possibly answers about the future may lie in the third world. which bhai hard for many people, because usually you only look to the third world when you guilt your kids because they hate their christmas ments. well, i'm sure so many some kids in africa would like this educational video game. i know politics may be dry. but looking at those leaders may be the only way to think about
donald trump. i'm speaking of south africa. the one you can easily find on the map. africa, there. cool. up until a few years ago, our economy was humming, tourism was thriving and we, too, were celebrating our first black president. remember that feeling? basically, times were good. >> after 27 years, nelson mandela walked out a victor today. >> the 2010 fifa world cup will be organized in south africa. ( cheers and applause ) >> south africa's oscar pistorius won the day. >> oscar pistorius is the paraolympic champion. ♪ >> trevor: oh, man, so many good memories. i was in the crowd when the simba thing was happening. yeah, we had to stop doing that because the next year he dropped the cub. anyway, the point, is things were looking up for us as a
nation. unfortunately, in the last few years, things have taken a turn for the worse. the economy stalled. unemployment is at record highs, government corruption is rampant and wasn't just oscar pistorius who disappointed us, last year simba was arrested for securities fraud. yes, so why did this all happen? i'll tell you why. because south african voters decided to shake things up. and, so, we elected a man by the name of jacob zumba, a charismatic anti-establishment president. i know you can't relate, but bear with me. you see, the inept self-serving way zuma has run his administration has turned south africa from a rising power to a troubled state. the reason i'm telling you this is when you look at zoo ma and trump, seems like they're brothers from another mother. >> in souk, that country's high court says the nation's president jacob zumba should face more than 700 corruption and fraud charges.
>> donald trump has over 400 lawsuits against him right now. >> zuma is building his reputation as man of the people. >> donald trump is a man of the people. >> jacob zumba's avid supporters can be found in rural areas and townships. >> his supporters are overwhelmingly rural area voters. >> he was charged and acquitted of rape. >> he has a rape status conference with the judge coming up. >> jacob zumba was called the teflon politician. >> i've said time and again, he is the teflon don. >> trevor: like donald trump appears to be teflon, literally, that's what he's spraying on his face. strange. what's more important is understanding what a leader like this could mean for america. for instance, let's look at what donald trump said just this week. >> the president-elect says he plans to place his company in a blind trust to be run by his children, but the legal experts say the definition of a blind trust is that it's run by people not in contact with the owner.
>> trevor: yeah, it's a bit weird we have to say this, but, donald, the point of a "blind" trust is that you can't see where your money is. it reassures the country that their president isn't making decisions for his own financial gain. if your kids, who you talk to every day, are running the trust, then it's not blind. you see, it's the difference between ray charles and jamie foxx playing ray charles. right? ( applause ) one of them is blind. and one of them is faking it and getting rich in the process. we saw the same thing in sowfng. south africa. jacob zumba started off, oh, my kids are going to run businesses. they do, and the the businesses have won billions in inflated government contracts which cost the taxpayers millions and billions of dollars and screwed the economy. so what's another one of donald trump's signature moves? >> if i win, i am going to instruct my attorney general to
get a special prosecutor to look into your situation. >> it's just awfully good that someone with the temperament of donald trump is not in charge of the law in our country. >> because you would be in jail. >> trevor: ooh... ( sniffs ) ( laughter ) we're probably going to have to cut this, but i'm, like, can his dealer get to the white house? whatever. trump using prosecutors to intimidate opponents, get used to it. called state capture. we didn't know that term in south africa till this year. now it's common. state capture, state capture, it's become a normal thing because in south africa it's a tactic zuma exploited again and again. when the finance minister of
south africa called out on charges, he was investigated. i know our law enforcement agencies sound like gangs in a bootleg westside story but we like it. makes us feel at home. it's not only great for intimidating your rivals, it's also good because it distracts the people from the problems you're having. i'm not saying donald trump will do that. but if he does, you guys owe me 20, all right? for everything that you look at, zuma and trump even feel the same way about the media. >> even the media, they think they know me better. no, the people of this country know me better than they do. >> and the media are a mong the most dishonest people anywhere at anytime, but they can't stop us. >> they've tried to tell people how useless this man is.
>> they write lies, they write false stories, they know they're false, it makes no difference. >> that's the problem of the media, and whoever else is behind the media. >> the election is being rigged by corrupt media pushing completely false allegations and outright lies -- >> trevor: it's exactly the same. it's almost like when they leave the house, melania is like, okay, donald, i do michelle's ones, you take the affecten guy's lines, okay? when you're the head of the government and you're right get away with (bleep), free press is not your friend. the same reason president zuma has been trying to get the power to censor the press or as donald trump would say. >> we'll open up the libel laws so that when the "new york times" writes a hit piece which is a disgrace we can sue them. so we'll open up the libel laws
folks and we'll have people sue you like you've never been sued before ( cheering ) >> trevor: yeah, we're all getting the money! yeah! now, again, i'm not saying trump is definitely going to do that, but if it's true, i'm not going to be able to say that later on, so i may as well say it now. luckily, zuma hasn't been able to muzzle the press in south africa because he doesn't have control of south africa's court system. that is a big hindrance to him. but a hindrance el trumpo may not have to face. >> he's going to be filling the lower courts. there are dozens of district court vacancies, federal court of appeals vacancies and these are the courts that actually decide the vast majority of the litigation in the united states. >> at least one supreme court justice maybe as many as four. >> trump will potentially shape the court for a generation. >> trevor: now, look, there are many differences and similarities, and i'm not saying it's going to be the same here as it is in a third-world country. of course not. i'm saying, it could be much worse. we'll be right back.
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officials are reporting, this new doritos mix is responsible for the worldwide bold outbreak. woo hoo! over you to you tom! things have gone totally around the bend. has the world gone completely bold? new doritos mix. four snacks in one. >> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." we have been talking about how, under donald trump, america could become more like certain countries in the part of the world i'm from. but in some ways, it's not really a fair comparison because the truth is america's systems of government is highly advanced. in fact, while america may be become morgue like africa, i wouldn't be surprised if avenge is trying to become more like you. >> gentlemen, gentlemen, africa has a problem with brandy and we need to -- branding and we need to solve it. for example, if you give a
politician money and in exchange he gives you a favor, what do you call it? >> bribery. >> trevor: no! it is called loving. bribery is bad, low beam is good. say again. >> low beam, low beam. >> with passion. >> low beam. >> teacher, it's like a hotel lobby. >> sorry, teacher, i did not have time to do my homework. i was busy rigging an election. >> you don't say rigging, we call it gerrymandering. rigging bad, gerrymandering good. remember, americans like to have fun when they are being corrupt. that's why they have these words, gerrymander, lobbying. >> why would the u.s. population sit by and say nothing about this? >> the american people are very
busy. have you heard of caitlyn jenner where the american people are trying to figure out if caitlyn jenner needs to use a bathroom or not. class dismissed. remember, there's a test tomorrow. i don't want t to read the answers. >> that was a good class. i was hoping i can lobby you to give me an a for tomorrow's test. >> your commitment to education is noted. ♪ ( laughter ) ( applause ) >> trevor: we'll be right back.
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>> trevor: welcome back to "the daily show." my guests tonight are the hosts of desus and mero on viceland. >> we are leaving the united states after this donald trump victory and it's a groundswell movement people are getting behind it. california, you need america. california's like, huh-uh! >> i don't need you, i got my own. i'm independent, i got my own stuff. let me tell you something mix economy is more popular than france. so you can go ahead with your (bleep). and i got more people living inside me an poland. >> trevor: welcome desus nice
and the kid mero! ( cheers and applause ) all right! welcome to the show, gentlemen. >> thank you for having us. very large tv studio. >> trevor: you guys don't have this? >> i mean, we've got some stuff on this. >> nothing like this. >> trevor: do you have an audience? >> no. >> because that's like metal detectors and security. our budget is not that high. >> trevor: why are you worried? the first thing you go to, metal detectors? >> we're from the bronx. they're essential in the bronx. >> trevor: you're from south africa -- >> you're from south africa, very similar. >> trevor: not exactly. they both carry guns, though. you came from the bronx. i've loved following your story. i first came across you on twitter, then listened to fahd wast, you have a cult following that has grown with you. and what i love is how people describe the two of you -- fresh, unapologetic.
>> raw. >> urban, in your face, graphic! >> trevor: are they just trying to say black? >> they are! ( laughter ) >> you can say urban. >> trevor: feels like they're trying to say black. >> you guys are so black! >> trevor: you can't say that. >> you have to say unapologetic. >> trevor: your relationship on your journey is you came up from the bronx. not often a story where you hear the artists are in control of what they're doing. even the name desus. what on earth is desus nice, what's that name? >> that's a nickname i got from the neighborhood because i make miracles happen. i don't know, my cousin was high when he made it up. so i ran with it. when you go to my neighborhood, you say, who's desus, they won't know me from tv. it's who's the bald guy. >> trevor: and you're mero.
>> i come from a household where the men made the decisions and they wanted to call me mero and my mom didn't but they called me that. then my mom named me romero, but it's hard to spell, so i replaced it with mero. >> trevor: when the police are coming up -- >> if only he had a longer name, we would have caught him! >> trevor: and what you're doing is very different. one of the purposes of your shows is you feel like you're building a movement. >> whoa, you will get us on some watch list now. i just came for the free booze. ( laughter ) no, i feel so many show, like
your show, you have a talk show at night, you got the audience and everything, yo. we have a more destruct -- you have more deconstructed, looser, and can say why woul wild thing. >> trevor: you are going to be alt left. >> i don't want to be alt. can i be regular? alt middle? apologetic. >> you said it before, we literally get to dictate what goes on the show. clearly we don't bang with trump because we're children of minorities so that's not our guy for all the reasons you have stated to eloquently in the past 25 minutes. >> trevor: if someone had never seen your show and you wanted them to watch, what would
you say to them? >> do you like hanging out with your friends and getting really high and talking about stuff in that's exactly what it's like. >> trevor: desu desus and mero n be seen on the viceland. ( chee guys, everybody quiet down... cause this is my jam. showtime! ♪tell it to my heart ♪tell me i'm the only one... nailed it tim, nailed it. ♪ heinthey know about familywned tradition.. my favorite family tradition? exchanging gifts. it allows me to showcase my tremendous range as an actor.
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visit your local infiniti retailer. >> trevor: that's our show for tonight. thank you so much for tuning in. now here it is... your moment of zen. >> do we like the media? >> no! >> do we hate the immediatey? >> yes! >> okay. now, i don't hate anybody. i love the media. they're wonderful. ral >> chris: it's 29 minutes until midnight when the day resets and we announce a winner. but we're all warns here. i'm chris hardwick. so 2016 has been described by meteorologists as a "class 5. (bleep)-show." so want to take a break from the bad news of the world, courtesy worldwide web? well, let's do it. because honestly you guys we have been-- we have been neck
deep in crap news this entire year between terrorism and zika and the election virus and losing people, pop culture icons that we love! what the ( bleep ), 2016! what the serious ( bleep )? so 2016 has definitely been the year of no chill. so we decided that we were going to give you a mental break from all that stuff tonight. the entire show is an escape-pod for you emotionally. let's start with my sweater. i feel better surrounded by fuzzy wuzzy bears, all right? it covers up by boo-boos. i feel better when i get stressed out and go, "what am i going to do?" sp al shows up and goes, "no problem, chris. no problem!" so tonight, everything we're doing is cuter than a bug's ear, and a bug's ear is pretty ( bleep ) cute. welcome to has. here we are. or cat midnight, if you want.
all right. one of the biggest stories of the election was wikileaks, the hacking organization led by julian assange, a.k.a. men's rights sephiroth, who is possibly aided by russia and whose revelations may have swung the election. but who gives a ( bleep ) about any of that anymore! his cat wears a tie! oh, my god! he's stuck in that embassy all these years. that's probably his best friend and probable lover. we don't know. who would you rather ( bleep )? a human or a cat? it's a tie. i know. ha! i kill me! comedians, julian assange has spilled a lot of government secrets. what's a secret he might learn from his cat? randy? i'm sorry, i forknot to mention, we changed the buzzers today.
>> garfield doesn't hate mondays. he hates mormons. it's a typo. sara schaefer. >> three dogs died in bone-ghazi. >> chris: points. flula. >> a cat lady's aren't actually lonely. they are secretly super hot intercourse machines. >> chris: all right, points. skews me. breaking news. reports coming in that there's a dog-- no, not a dog, a puppy that is threatening to kill bystand wers cuteness. we have to check in on this going live to what appears to be someone's bathroom floor. jack, take us there, please. oh, the humanity. what a truly adorable moment. we'll bring you live, real-time updates as they come on, on tub watch 2016. remember you heard it here first on "@midnight." the first and only network brave
us to bring you tub watch. please stay with us and don't "paws" your dvrs. now back to our regularly scheduled program. next, "some pigs." one of the stories captivating the nation tonight: two fun guinea pig buddies are sharing a healthy snack. we take you to the twitter video, already in progress. >> audience: oh! ( applause ) comedians, qur question about this video: what's the name of this hard-core porno? randy. >> do me in a urine-soaked pile of newspapers. >> chris: all right, volume four. >> yeah, yeah. >> chris: points. flula. >> very strange. >> chris: it is very strange. >> two pigs, one snack. >> chris: all right, point. sara schaefer. >> rabies and the tramp. >> chris: yes, points, very
good. ( applause ) >> chris: next, "all dogs go to college." courtesy of the "aww" subreddit, here's a pup named boba who's a certified cutie pie. that's a good boy! oh! by the way, that degree took him 28 dog years to get. comedians, what was this collared co-ed's major? randy? >> dingleberry horticulture. >> chris: all right, point. sara. >> psychology with a focus on emotionally supporting a fragile white woman who cannot even. >> chris: all right, points. flula. >> advanced resting bitch face. ( laughter ) ( applause ) points. very scweet. just for the fun of it i'll give you all each 100 point because i feel good. i feel good all right! i'm sorry, just kidding.