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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  March 24, 2014 11:00pm-11:32pm PDT

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- or will there be? [menacing music] ♪ >> from comedy central's world news headquarters in new york, this is "the daily show" with jon stewart. ["daily show" theme song playing] [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome to "the daily show". my name is jon stewart. [cheers and applause] that's a fact. thank you for joining us. our guest tonight oh, she puts the huff in huffpo. awr -- arianna huffington. tonight the malaysian flight
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seems to have shown the worst. >> a jumbo jet carrying 239 people. we're doing everything we can to get as many detail as possible from the sources around the world. >> jon: the accurate and humble assessment from cnn until they realized oh, (bleep) we have 23 hours and 59 minutes left to fill. [ laughter ] (bleep) it let's go nuts. and they did. with everybody -- everything in their bag of tricks. giant floor maps. big flake airplanes. little fake airplanes. holographic airplanes. no airplane detail left unspoken. >> a plane like this is around 61, 62 meters end to tend. 61-62 side to side. >> jon: you are telling them what a plane looks like? [laughter] did you forget who watches cnn?
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you could tell 90% of your viewers look out the airport window at the plane they are about to get on. [ laughter ] but, of course -- [ applause ] there's a saying cnn is popular at airports. [laughter] man does not live by hologram alone. give me a -- >> people are asking about black holes and on and on and on and conspiracy they're rows. he says what else do you think about? deji says it's like the movie lost. i know it's preposterous but is it preposterous, do you think, mary? [laughter] >> jon: don't answer, mary it's a trap. [ laughter ] some sort of weird bermuda
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triangle where questions are answered before they are asked. [laughter] >> a small black hole would suck in our entire universe. we know he it's not that. the bermuda triangle is often weather and lost is a tv show. [ laughter ] >> jon: well -- [cheers and applause] -- i know it's a tv show but is it, mary? [laughter] look at me, mary. mary, look at me! [laughter] is it? [laughter] you have to drive all the way down to the studio, mary, level with me, mary. [ laughter ] wow, did that lower the bar, cnn. but i think you can go lower. >> investigators sometimes use psychics. why hasn't anyone considered the services of a credible psychic
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specializing in missing persons? it sounds incredible but they have been used before. >> jon: yeah, while we're at it why not use that octopus that always predicts the world cup? why not strap wings to wolf blitzer and let him lose because in order to catch a plane you must become a plane. [laughter] cnn's missing airline obsession not only doubled their primetime ratings it itself became news because the only thing less likely than an airplane falling out of the sky is cnn's ratings doubling. >> cnn anchor brought up the theory something supernatural could be at play. >> the network is in dire ratings trouble. they get a pulse. okay. so the executives order you guys have to do this wall to wall. >> jon: you have to be careful
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o'reilly or fox's coverage of cnn's over coverage will be covered. >> what do you think of bill o'reilly speaking wait he he did? >> i think he is nervous because he lost in the demo last week three nights in a row. >> jon: we know most of o'reilly's younger viewers are coming into the room to make sure their grandparents are still breathing. [ laughter ] i don't -- [laughter] [cheers and applause] i think it doesn't count once they put their hand on the chest, does that count? yeah, it's okay, we can go. [ laughter ] still, if cnn is hitting ratings gold with this, fox news will not be outspeculated. >> the most likely view in my view is the payne stewart narrow, something happened with the oxygen on board, everybody died.
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>> jon: that sounds likely but explain what would happen then with the transponders and, if you please, act it out with as little respect for the victim as possible. >> who shut the transponders? >> that could have been some of -- i'm choking. i'm choking. let's try go back. >> jon: all right. either he is car lusly play acting the real death of a real person and his tongue has gown rogue and tried to take him out before his tongue is forced to say something stranger. cnn is missing a larger story here. >> both pilots were muslims. it seemed to take a long time for them to begin to look in the backgrounds and whether they had a political radicalizations in the background. there's a good chance a substantial population of cabin are muslims as well. you have to go through and find the out who has political ties,
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extremist ties. >> i believe it's a 65% to 75% chance i'm correct did it not crash and it's going to be used in a future radical islamist terrorist movement. >> jon: yes, doesn't it seem suspicious to anybody that a plane originating in a muslim country would have so many muslim passenger and pilots? it's a little too convenient to hear the airlines say it there are muslims and muslim pie will thes flying every day without incident. well, i don't buy it. [ laughter ] you know what fox and cnn it's ged way to heated and weird. i'm going have to call mom. >> sometimes in the world of cable news there's a mismatch between the demand for new information about a story and the supply of new information that exists. our job is not to fill the air by telling bedtime stories. >> the we won't try to turn the lack of news in this very sad
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story into something that sounds like news but isn't. >> jon: you know sherman and mr. peabody are right. [laughter] [cheers and applause] an eloquent call to accountability. well, maybe they should have cced that to everybody in the building. >> it was clearly manipulated whether it be by the pilot or someone who commandeered the pilot. a runway cost been built or landed in a desert somewhere. >> i think it's a well funded hijack operation and it's sitting somewhere in the jungle. >> jon: interesting. so we're looking for people rich and evil enough top fund a high tech jungle plane hijackerring but too dumb to realize they could just buy their own (bleep) plane. but that doesn't mean --
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[laughter] they are against crowd sourcing this. >> get your cell phones out. i want to know what you think: tonight's question do you think this plane will ever be found? text a for yes and b for no. >> jon: because i'm lonely. and don't worry about it if you are wrong because there are no consequences for that at all ever. [ laughter ] we'll be right back. [cheers and applause] [ "find you" by zedd plays ] [ male announcer ] when you're ready to turn up your night. turn to bud light platinum, the next generation of smooth. brewed with top-shelf ingredients for a bold, slightly sweet finish. ♪ yeah you always make me go... ♪ [ male announcer ] turn up your night, and make it platinum.
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♪ yeah you always make me go... ♪ break the ice, with breath freshening cooling crystals. ice breakers. [cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back to the show. before the break president barack obama was about to get good news. congress was going to allow him to appoint a preferred candidate to a high profile position. >> president obama set to make the pick for surgeon general. he intends to nominate vivek murthy for the job. >> jon: hold on there indian americans, you can have your ivy league doctor or your tech genius you cannot have both. [laughter] he seems evidently qualified. seems like smooth sailing for
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got ship murthy. >> the second concern i have along the same shrine about your comments about guns. >> jon: iceberg! someone said the word gun which means it's time for the new segment: america stands its ground. what were dr. murthy's comments about guns. >> in your tweets of october 16, 2012 tired of politicians squared of nra, throws some of the words. i would hope you would know that americans have a first amendment right to advocate the second amendment. >> jon: yes, americans have a first amendment right to advocate the second amendment and apparently you don't have a first amendment right to have a different opinion from that. everyone knows the first amendment only applies to saying positive things about the second amendment. that's all. it says you can have a gun unless you don't have anything positive to say. shut it down. in addition to that tweet murthy supports majority popular ideas like background checks and
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assault weapon bans in other words, stop him? >> rand paul and the nra have whipped up quite a frenzy. >> the surgeon general ought to be concerned about the heart disease, smoking, cancer. >> being against obesity, things that are bad for your health. [laughter] >> jon: you know, bullets -- [laughter] -- are not generally considered superfoods. [ laughter ] they are, as we have learned low in omega 3 fatty acids and relatively high in lead. but even if murthy was anti-gun he is just the surgeon general. he is the nation's official skol. all he would do is put a warning label on bullets. the republicans, the senate rule says you can't filibuster nominees anymore.
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he needs a sim majority and he has more than enough democrats to do thank opposition from the nra has grown so intense it has placed democrats from conservative states several of whom up for reelection in a difficult spot. as many as ten dems are considering a vote against him. >> jon: i guess that will teach dr. murthy to make wild accusations about politicians being scared of nra. is nobody in america able to take a common sense approach to drugs -- guns? >> a fifth grader in ohio is suspended for three days after pointing his finger like a gun. the principal said students were warned about pretend gun play multiple times this year. [ laughter ] >> jon: i said common sense. come on, that's obviously a self defense finger gun. [ laughter ] not like he has one of them high capacity magazine finger guns. it's a regular old finger gun.
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why -- it's not an assault finger gun. [cheers and applause] [laughter] either i'm hungry or those look a lot like stacked doughnuts. real weapons are okay, great. completely imagery weapons weape intolerable. what about something in between there. >> a big toy manufacturer making weapons for girls. >> jon: toy weapons for girls. must have taken a long time to figure out how to take a boys weapon and adopt it for a girl. i see. okay, that makes more sense. tell me about the gentler more feminine weapons. this is grace's favorite toy the nerf rebelle heart breaker a sparkly and pink bow and arrow. some say teaching girls war games could be sending the wrong
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message promoting violence. >> jon: she totally nailed that dude. [laughter] i'm okay with. that i have kids. i can tell you something, that kid hit coming. i don't know what he did -- [laughter] but he knows. ♪ ♪ [ male announcer ] a car that is able to see, to calculate, to think -- and can respond to what it encounters. ♪ even if that means completely stopping itself. it's the stuff of science fiction... minus the fiction. the 2014 e-class.
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[cheers and applause] >> jon: welcome back. my guest tonight cofounder and president of huffing post. her new book is called thrive: the third metric to self success. please welcome back to the program arianna huffington. [cheers and applause] how are you? [cheers and applause] tell me about this "thrive." and -- you say it's the third metric to redefining success. what are the first two metric? >> the first two metrics are -- of success and money and power. >> jon: wow this really went
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from thrive to scarface like really quick. >> yes, because that's the point. if you just look at life in terms of first two metrics it is scarface. >> jon: money and power. >> it's not only scarface it's like a two-legged stool and sooner or later you fall off. >> jon: you get somebody to sit on. you don't need anybody to worry about thank if you include the third metric of success -- >> jon: which is -- >> four pillar. third metric four pillar, well being, taking care of your self your hands, your sleesm wisdom being able to be wise. remember when you said if you amplify everything you hear nothing. i quote him regularly. if you are perpetually plugged into your devices and never connect with yourself. >> jon: you run a web site. >> yes, but we also -- we run a web site but we disconnect.
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we have e-mail rules so people don't have to be on e-mail after hours. we have two nap rooms. >> jon: people can nap and you make it so they can't e-mail. >> after hours. >> jon: you take away their e-mail after hours. [ laughter ] >> no, we say they don't have to. they are not expected to answer work e-mails after hours. >> jon: i like the nap room thing. how many people work for you? >> 850. >> jon: and you have two nap rooms. that's very relaxing. tell me about the riots that happen when tired people fight for nap space. >> i did see two people walking out of the nap room but i thought to myself whatever it takes to recharge you. >> jon: do you think people join the -- whatever? >> whatever. >> jon: it's a new category for huffington post. >> a new category. >> jon: it would be nice. >> people are so addicted with technology which is one of the
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things i'm trying to help people diss engage from so they are so al districted that 20% of them use their smart phones during sex. anybody here? >> jon: if i can say that sounds false. [ laughter ] that sounds like somebody would say 20% use their cell phone during sex. >> ho you do you know? >> jon: i happen to run a sexual cell phone company. do you know what i'm saying the 20% as you are saying one out of five people during sex are using their cell phones. >> you may not believe it, but what do you know? you are a had a happily married man. [ laughter ] and not only that -- [laughter] >> jon: i know but don't you -- when you three out a statistic like that don't you have to say where it comes from. >> i talk to experts. i don't talk to you on this matter. [laughter] >> jon: that's good. i'm glad.
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>> i want this book to be a bridge from knowing what to do to actually doing it. >> jon: that's what i'm saying. i know what to do but i don't do it. >> i'm going to give you a shot. just read three points at the end of four sections. it's 127 points. it will take you -- 12 points. it will take you seven minutes. 12 points three simple things you can do. >> jon: i already think to myself to do that i need more adderall. >> one very simple thing start tonight. >> jon: i'll start tonight. >> take your devices and smart phones and charge them outside your bedroom. if you wake up at night cuddle your wife not look at your smartphone. simple advice. you know, so many people wake up at night. >> jon: can i get up and get? >> you can't. >> jon: let me ask you this. what if it's crying?
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what if it's scared? what if it's lonely? what if it says i don't know what to think right now where is everybody? >> the phone is more resilient. when you wake up in the morning it's there for you. you have dogs -- >> jon: i have dogs can they use their phones? [laughter] >> how many? >> jon: right now we have -- i believe there are three and there's somebody else living there who is not ours but he is bunking. we don't know what his story snch you have all these dogs at home. all the dogs in the office. there's an entire section on the importance of pets in -- when it comes to health, blood pressure, stress level. we need these things or we're going to continue the incredibly stress obsessed world that's not working. it's not working for men, women or polar bears. [ laughter ]
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you know how i know that. >> jon: i swear to god you are like william randolph hearst and martha stewart rolled until one. i don't know what is going on. take your phone and don't cuddle with it and read just three points of four chapters in 12 spaces and get a dog. [ laughter ] arianna huffington. [cheers and applause] >> thank you. >> jon: great job. than chocolate,
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♪ are you up for whatever happens next? i think i can do that. ♪ ♪ ian, ian how you doing tonight...dah dah. ♪ this is a bizarre night. see ian's full night at upforwhatever.com ♪ gonna grab some afternoon delight ♪ [ male announcer ] you know what time it is. it's happier hour at taco bell. enjoy one dollar loaded grillers or any one dollar medium drink from 2:00 pm to 5:00 pm every day. [ bong ] >> jon: that's our show. here it is your moment of zen. >> especially today on a day when we deal with the supernatural. when we good to church the supernatural power of god. you deal with. that people are saying why not talk about the possibility, i'm
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captioning sponsored by comedy central (cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome to the report, good to have you with us. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. >> stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! stephen, stephen, stephen! (cheers and applause) ladies and gentlemen, thank

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