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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  October 9, 2013 11:30pm-12:01am PDT

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>> jon: that is our show. join us tomorrow at 11:00. here it is your moment of zen. >> they've had over 8 million
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hits, people tried to sign up and so far they have people in the single digits. >> i'm not exactly clear what you mean b >> stephen: tonight, did a congressional candidate violate election laws? even more shocking, we have election laws? (laughter) then, twitter prepares for its i.p.o. hashtag: i don't know what an i.p.o. is. (laughter) my guest tom hanks stars in the new film "captain phillips." he's a hero who saves the day using a particular type of screwdriver. the congressional business center is still open during the shutdown. wow! it is really hard to get out of a gym membership. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central
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( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) >> stephen: hey! (audience chanting "stephen") whoo! whoo! welcome to the "report," everybody! good to have you with us in here, out there, all around the world. ladies and gentlemen, ladies and gentlemen, as you know it is day nine of the government shutdown and you know what they say: no news is good news -- so -- good news. (laughter) yesterday obama actually held another hour-long press conference to say once again he won't negotiate. so speaker john boehner had his
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own press conference. >> the central argument is this: are we going to sit down and have a conversation or aren't we? there's no reason to make it more difficult to bring people to the table. there's no pwoupb reis here. there's nothing on the table, there's nothing off the table. >> stephen: that is a leader with a clear goal! "i want a table!" (laughter) but -- but. (cheers and applause) but while there's been no movement in d.c., there isn't movement towards d.c. >> angry truckers headed to washington, d.c. as part of a three-day protest called "the truckers' ride for the constitution." it's expected to tie up three lanes of traffic around i-495 around the nation's capital. >> stephen: that's right, truckers are pledging to drive around the beltway for three days in what they're called "ride for the constitution." and then, presumably, pop dexedrine for the declaration of
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independence. (laughter) and pee into gatorade bottles for the gettysburg address. (cheers and applause) now, folks, i of all the people out there i get these guys because they get me! in fact, they've got me on their web site. (laughter) they're using this actual painting called "stephen colbert atop an eagle" by artist jason heuser. i believe it's paint by number and that number u.s.a. number one. (cheers and applause) and why are they doing this? well, as explained by ride for the constitution's leader country zinger zeeda andrews, they have a simple easily attained goal. >> um, we -- what we want is we want the president of the united states removed from office. (laughter). >> stephen: that's right.
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president obama will be so immobilized by the d.c. traffic jam that he will have no choice but to resign. i mean, really! what option does he have? fly over it in some kind of gyroscopic sky-car? (laughter) mark my words -- mark my words, ladies and gentlemen. this is going to be good. or better yet, mark the words of spokes trucker peter santilli. >> put a hundred million people out on the road with truck drivers lawfully, constitutionally, there will be literally the largest traffic jam in the history of mankind as far as we're concerned. it's got that potential. >> you heard them say a hundred million. they're going to start smaller. they're going to start with 3,000 arriving in d.c. on friday morning. >> stephen: yeah, 3,000 friday morning. by friday afternoon a hundred million. (laughter) you've got to ramp up. folks, let me get out my old c.b. radio and put my ears on. (laughter) all right. (cheers and applause) all right, breaker breaker 1-9,
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this is big daddy truck nuts here come on back. i want every freight shaker, coal bucket and wiggle wagon throughout to roll on bull city friday for a three-lane brake check until we deliver a truckload of kenya back to his home 1020. also ding-dong on the flippity flop drop two over easy and put some sea covers on toad the wet sprocket. this is big daddy truck nuts over and out, come on. (cheers and applause) nation, i salute these truckers for taking the extra step to make congressional gridlock into actual gridlock. (laughter) and i believe that we can all follow in their mud flaps. just as they are, do what you do but do in the a way that inconveniences thousands of others. (laughter) and together we can make things
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(bleep) for freedom. (cheers and applause) nation, you watch this show, you know i've always been a huge fan of the twitter. from its humble beginnings as a place to promote ashton kutcher's trucker hat to its current global stature as a place to promote ashton kutcher's facial hair. i even received the first-ever golden tweet from twitter founder biz stone for the most retweeted tweet of 2010. in your face! in your face dalai lama! what was your best tweet from 2010? "in human relations, compassion contributes to promoting peace and harmony." hashtag loser. (laughter) that's why i am so excited about the latest twitter news. >> twitter causing the whole world toll go atwitter. wall street abuzz, the tech world abuzz about its one billion dollar i.p.o. plan. >> the most anticipated i.p.o. of the year.
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>> the i.p.o. is expected to be the most desirable since facebook's debut last may. >> stephen: yes! and i made $2 million on facebook by not investing $3 million in facebook. (laughter) and, folks, this i.p.o. is going to be huge. as one of the world's top tweetmen, i am sure to rake in the cash because i have over five million followers, several of which are not ukrainian porn bots. (laughter) so if you just take those five million followers that i've got, okay, and you divide that by a billion dollar i.p.o., then multiply that by the amount of i get paid per tweet, i am set to line my pockets with -- (whistles) let's just say it's a lot of sere roes. (laughter) so, folks, it's no wonder all the smart money on wall street is on twitter because so is the dumb money.
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>> looks like everyone is cashing in on twitter's i.p.o. -- even other companies. stock in electronics retailer tweeter soared more than 1,500% on friday. apparently some investors bought the shares of that company thinking they were buying twitter. (laughter). >> stephen: meaning the investors in tweeter flushed all their money down the sheeter. (laughter and applause) now, folks, all this heat on twitter is because it's where all the hippest, happeningest trendsetters go to speak their minds. i'm talking, of course, about jesus christ. (laughter) you see, in an attempt to appeal to the young lings vatican cardinal and president of the pontifical council for culture gianfranco ravasi said "christ used tweetses with everyone else with phrases made up of 45 characters such as love one another." of course jesus tweeted luv 1anthr #yolf #omm.
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(cheers and applause) you see? you young people -- young folks, giovanni ribisi here is just saying that jesus is into the same cool things you are. he invented twitter because he spoke in short sentences just like eve was the first to play fruit ninja. (laughter) but remember, jesus never made any money so he and twitter have the exact same business model. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: (cheers and applause) welcome back, everybody, thanks so much! folks, you know the midterm elections are over a year away but candidates are already out there campaigning for jobs in a government that no longer exists. (laughter) folks, this is a sad time for me because my favorite representative minnesota congresswoman and piano teacher who sits to close to you michele bachmann -- (laughter). -- is not running for reelection. (audience reacts) she will be missed, i know, she's a true conservative with a vision of our country's future. or possible of a coat rack or a bird. i could never tell what she was looking at. fortunately, folks, there's a candidate out there for her seat
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who may be able to fill her shoes. tom emmer. he's pro-life, pro-family, prostate's rights and as you can see from this ad, definitely pro-business. >> when the storm settles, there's only one clear choice. integrity exteriors and remodelers. >> my name is tom emmer and i'm running for congress in minnesota's sixth congressional district. if you're looking for someone to do remodeling, siding, or general construction, residential or commercial, i can tell you without qualification you need to call the folks at integrity exteriors and remodelers. they're the best. >> stephen: wow! (laughter) i don't know what tom emmer's platform is but i know who's going to build it. (laughter) now why -- i don't understand -- why didn't anyone think of combining ads for politicians with commercial endorsements years ago? possibly because it's kind of
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extremely illegal. (laughter) according to the campaign legal center, a commercial that runs as a paid advertisement on television will be a clear violation of federal election law and illegal corporate in-kind contribution to a candidate for a federal office in the form of a coordinated ad. coordinated? i don't know. (laughter) first of all, he's not telling you to vote for him. he's just telling you to call integrity remodelers. >> you need to call the folks with integrity exteriors and remodelers. >> stephen: and then he never gives you the phone number. (laughter) does that sound coordinated to you? and, folks, i have to tell you, this so-called controversy is clearly just another conspiracy by big liberal media. this time in the form of small-town minnesota blogger sally jo sorensen who spotted the ad during a local backyard wrestling show called "sunday shock wave."
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(laughter) by the way, if you are backyard wrestling and your head is driven through the side of the house, there is no better company to fix it than integrity exteriors and remodeling. (cheers and applause) besides, emmer's campaign had a perfectly good explanation saying it was not tom's intention for this testimonial to be used in a broadcast capacity or advertisement for the campaign. yes, he was just innocently standing in front of the camera under the lights wearing a microphone thinking he was doing something more reputable, like porn! unintentional advertising happens all the time. in fact, i remember this one time -- >> hey, mr. colbert. >> stephen: hey, brendan, now was the big game? >> not so good, mr. colbert, i kind of ran out of energy. >> stephen: sounds like you need to drink some more sunny d. (laughter) sunny d is packed with vitamins and minerals and the bold intense taste kids just love.
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>> radical! >> stephen: hey, you know who else drinks sunny d? new jersey governor chris christie. isn't that right, chris? >> everyday i hope you can see how much i love being the governor of the state where i was born and raised. (laughter) >> i love you, mr. colbert. >> stephen: i know. (cheers and applause) so hats off to mr. tom emmer for showing us a brand new way to cross-promote candidates and products. thanks to this ad, i will forever associate your campaign with things that need major renovation. (laughter) we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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♪ male narrator: there's something positive being generated in california. when ordinary energy is put in the hands of extraordinary people, amazing things happen. the kind of things that drive us to do more,
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to go further, to be better. we're dedicated to being a company you can count on, because you've always been customers we believe in. your energy plus ours. together, there's no limit to what we can achieve. (cheers and applause). >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is tom hanks. please welcome tom hanks! (cheers and applause) hey, tom! good to see you again, thanks for coming back. always nice to have you in the house. >> always good to be here,
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stephen. >> stephen: tom, before we get started, let's take a look at your new movie "captain phillips." >> okay. >> you had a plan, captain, you had a plan to take my ship and that didn't work out so your buddy could take me and make a run to somalia? you've got to give up. you've got to stop. >> i can't stop! >> the navy is not going to let you win. they can't let you win. they would rather sink this boat than let you get me back to somalia. it's over! >> i come too far. i can't give up. no. (cheers and applause) now, which one were you in that scene? (laughter and applause) because you're that good. >> i was the one steering the lifeboat. like this throughout. >> stephen: you grew a goatee for this film. >> is that a goatee? it is a van dyke? >> stephen: it could be. >> i'm not sure what it is. >> stephen: you look like your
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evil twin a little bit. are you a good guy or bad guy in this movie? >> i'll leave that for the srobgs pop lie to decide. >> stephen: really? it's possible you're a bad guy in the movie? >> is it a derig goure that if you have a goatee you have been cloned and you are a lesser version of yourself and are, in fact, the evil spot with a more defined chin and a little better jaw muscle? that's what you get when you grow one of those things. >> stephen: it does something to your muscles? it took muscles for you to grow a beard? (laughter) >> listen, i had to dye those hairs gray for so many hours that i don't even -- (laughter). >> stephen: now, this movie is about pirates. >> hijackers, pirates, yes. >> stephen: what's the difference? >> pirates have tricorner hats. (laughter) and much goofier shirts. >> stephen: from what i've seen it's not like your johnny depp pirate. >> little different. >> stephen: these are somali pirates. >> these are somali robbers.
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these are people that are going to steal the ship so they can get money, become rich, get chicks, buy cars and not be killed by the war lords that are essentially forcing them to do this for a living. >> stephen: now does this movie have a social conscience, a lot of movies you've done-- especially big oscar winners-- have been trying to change people's hearts and minds. any chances this going to change the hearts and minds of people in shol ya about pirating? >> i think for the musical numbers. through some of the songs and dances it might. (laughter). >> stephen: really? ♪ hi didlley dee >> paul green grass, "united 93" the bourne films "bloody sunday" he goes off and captured an aspect of somalia that might not be the standard version of what we would like to assume would be very easy bad guys to hate. it's a war-torn place of corruption and hopelessness and what is more dangerous than a
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young man with a gun and with nothing to lose? that's more or less the stature of the four guys that hijacked this ship. >> stephen: you actually shot this on -- >> on film. (laughter) >> stephen: on film. good. >> yes, we did, sir. >> stephen: (laughs) a lot of people are doing movies with just sketch artists. but you did it on one of the big phaersing ships, right? >> off of malta in the mediterranean sea. >> like 650 foot vessels. >> i think it's like 533 but stacked with all the cargo, and they had to do that specifically. >> stephen: these guys just come out and essentially like a boston whaler. >> this is interesting because it had never happened prior to 2009 because the ships are -- can go far, relatively fast, and have very high hulls and pirates, hijackers, could not get on board except for these guys with the went to home depot and bought a ladder. (laughter). >> stephen: really? they have achieved ladder technology in somalia? >> they have.
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that's right. >> stephen: but here's what i don't understand is that you guys -- the original captain, captain phillips, they used hoses to try to -- like literally like fire hoses to blow them off. >> yes. >> stephen: this is an enormous boat with billions of dollars worth of cargo. >> peanuts, tennis shoes, b.m.w. s, t.v.s. >.>> stephen: they can't afford a single gun? there are no guns on the ship. they are not allowed. they weren't allowed at the time by international law. you cannot bring firearms into an international port on a commercial cargo vessel. >> stephen: there's no second amendment at sea. that's what you're saying. >> let me put it this way, there is in somalia where everybody has a gun. >> stephen: as the star of the movie, how long did you spend going out to sea on this ship? >> everyday. >> stephen: stphoupbg. >> oh, from dawn to dusk. >> stephen: how many days? (laughter) is there some secret here you don't want me to snow there's a two-month gap in your life you don't want people to know about
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on malta. >> i'm gonna say two months, you know. better part of ten weeks. >> stephen: a guy like you at this point, can't you go to some big green sound stage and point at tennis balls glued to the wall and say "look, pirates, they're coming!" >> in fact, there's a cd-rom of all the information you need. you enter into the code and my hands will move any way you want me to, my eyes with well you have with tears at the punch of a button. >> stephen: can i get that? (laughter) i've got some movies i'd like to put tom hanks in. would you rather do something fiction or nonfiction? i was watching it with somebody who didn't know it was ale a real story. >> i'd like -- i've always been interested in nonfiction. i started reading it very young and i thought what really happened by and large is more interesting than anything you can say. even, like, reading like fiction books but set in nonfiction areas like "in cold blood" or leon you are reus novels. >> stephen: the da vinci
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code." ripped right out of the day's realities. you take a map around, you've got da vinci code. that's all you need. >> stephen: when you go to rome do people in churches go "please get out"? (laughter) well, tom, thank you so much for joining me. tom hanks, the movie is "captain phillips." we'll be right back. (cheers and
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(cheers and applause). >> stephen: well, that's it for "the report," everybody.


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