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tv   The Daily Show With Jon Stewart  Comedy Central  September 7, 2012 7:10pm-7:45pm PDT

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doesn't freak out if you don't mention his name enough. god is not a media figure, you know. god isn't like an inside the beltway media figure who first thing they do when they get a book is check their index for the names. god doesn't do that that is weird you mentioned trees and saving the earth but you don't mention the guy who created the whole thing, i mean, all i'm saying is whatever, guys. (laughter) that was my impression of god. (laughter) and not very good. but guess what, democrats aren't going to get sucked into that game. didn't you hear deval patrick. >> it's time for democratic to grow a backbone and stand up for what we believe! >> jon: boom, and i mean, boom. although obviously, not really how backbones work. you can't just grow one force of will. my point is this-- (laughter) democrats ain't going to get distracted by your bull [bleep] partisan whining and
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redo a platform that -- >> mr. chairman, i move that we suspend the rules to permit an amendment to the platform adopted by this convention last night. (laughter) >> jon: what are you do approximating? reversing your principleses to appeal to hard-core dead-end republicans? who are you, mitt romney? (laughter) apparently at the urging of fox news, democrats drafted language that god and jerusalem is the capital of israel back in their platform. >> the matter requires a two-thirds vote in the affirmative. all those delegates in favor say aye. all those delegates opposed say no. >> in the opinion of the-- let me do that again. (laughter) >> jon: good idea.
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good idea. you should do that again. (laughter) because that first time, it didn't seem to work out for you. >> all of those delegates in favor say aye. >> aye! >> all those delegate os posed say no. >> no! >> i guess-- i will do that one more time. >> jon: what dow mean one more time what are you talking about? no means no. it is done. let it go. >> all those delegates in favor say aye. >> all those delegate os posed say no. >> no.
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>> in the opinion of the chair two-thirds of vote in the affirmative, the motion is adopted. >> what? >> it is sounding to me like the ayes and nea were very close but since passing the motion has been prescripted-- i can only say tie goes to the prompter. on the bright side we have finally discovered the evidence of democratic voter fraud republicans were always complaining about. there was only one man, one man who could rescue the day. the big dog! 42, mr. hillary rodham clinton! >> we are here to nominate a president. (cheers and applause) i want barack obama to be the next president of the united states. >> four more years! >> jon: no, no you know, i
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can't, i already served my two terms. no, i get it, i get what you're saying, man, but jus just-- the constitution is what-- oh, you me-- oh, okay. (laughter) bill clinton feeds off an audience like superman drawing power from the earth. yellow sun. that obligation will be determined by their salary. this will change the future for young americans. (cheers and applause) >> jon: whoo! so after an inspiring but tight 35 minutes stem winder-- what, that wasn't the end, now that brings me to health care. >> jon: 35 minutes into this thing are you really going to go to health care t is past 11:00 t is kind of a complicated subject, but have at it. >> let me ask you something, are we better off because president obama fought for health-care reform? you bet we are.
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>> jon: thank you, good night, everybody. and god bless those of you who can still catch the very end of the cowboys giants game on -- >> there were two other attacks on the president in tampa. >> jon: son of a bitch! (applause) what are you doing! (applause) this is not the event from last night that i wanted to go into overtime. but on he went, through welfare reform, medicare, the national debt, immigration, with more fault endings than a james brown concert. the hardest loving man in politics. finally yielded the stage around 11:30 p.m. eastern, past my bedtime. >> god bless you! and god bless america! (cheers and applause) >> jon: don't stop thinking about tomorrow, kuses it's a half hour from now. (laughter)
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but along with pure stamina, bill clinton wednesday fight brought something to this campaign season that has been missing. >> came from a place where people still thought 2 and 2 was 4. >> jon: math. numbers. i never thought i would say this but i have missed you so much, math. >> an amazing display of actually saying stuff, more specific numbers in one speech last night than the republican leadership did in an entire week in tampa. >> what has the president done. he has offered a reasonable plan of four trillion dollars in debt reduction over a decade for every two and a half trillion dollars in spending cuts, he raises a dollar in new revenue,. >> jon: oh ratios. mathematical parameters from which to extrapolate results. not that the republicans did not have a plan to start off
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the nation's economic problems. >> we are going to solve this nation's economic problems. we need to stop spending money we don't have. we will not duck the tough issues. we will leave. >> and as the last resort we will use-- how numerically deficient was the entire rnc. not only did bill clinton offer more specifics than the democratic plan than the republican plan, he ended up with more specifics of the republican plan than the republicans. >> they also want to block grant medicaid. and cut it by a third over the coming ten years. >> if they stay with this $5 trillion tax cut plan, in a debt reduction plan, the arithmetic tells us middle-class families will see their tax bills go up an average of $2,000 while anybody who makes $3 million or more will see their tax
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bill go down $250,000. >> jon: oh my god. math. and here's what, to hear a guy make sent yent comments using numbers on stage, are you like it's just like a beautiful mind. when really, shouldn't it just be, i don't know, a mind. romney, ryan, your rebuttal. >> what america needs is jobs. >> lots of jobs. (laughter) >> jon: and fewer snakes. lots of jobs, no snakes. romney 2012. gentlemen, bring this mother [bleep] home. >> we will take responsibility. >> in the last 29 months, our economy has produced about 4.5 million private sector jobs. >> my promise is to help you and your family. >> during this period, more than 500,000 manufacturing jobs have been created under president obama.
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>> if we are serious and smart and we lead, we can do this. >> so what-- republicans 24 million, democrats 42. >> jon: [bleep] math we'll be right back.
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♪ swing music plays ♪
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>> welcome back. moments ago barack obama formally accepted the democratic presidential nomination because -- >> whoo! >> jon: because that was scheduled. (laughter) but only accepting after unveiling his secretary term campaign film earlier in the evening. we of course obtained an advance copy and-- as a public service, are able to air it for you now. enjoy. >> 2008, a nation in crisis. >> stock markets around the world plunge. >> several dominoes have fallen. >> the do you plunged another 508 points. >> who will lead us out of this crisis. >> until an audacious young man named barak hussein obama pointed america to a newera of hope. and now four years later, that man can proudly say -- >> it could have been even
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worse. >> as obama took the oath of office the economy was in freefall. so he quickly assembled a team of fresh economic and financial experts. one of whom actually couldn't even be linked in anyway to the original problem. they put in place an economic stimulus package that definitely didn't ruin the country, and the results spoke for themselves. >> people say well, you know, the stock market didn't fully recover. yeah, but it's recovered more than people expected last year. things are still tough, they just aren't as bad as they could have been. unemployment is still at 9.6, yes, but it's not 12 or 13. or 15. >> or 19, or 80. there's no limit to how high numbers can go, by helping to make things less bad, the recovery act is helping. >> it was the obama
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doctrine. that less bad was better than more bad. and so the president would use the power of his office to listen badness. so just as america began to think a little slower, disaster struck. oil spilling into the gulf of mexico, wildfires across the west and as everyone complained that it was taking way longer than it should have to plug a hole because they decided for some reason to shoot garbage into it, nobody mentioned the nearly 60% of the country that wasn't burning or covered in oil. that's a solid d minus. but the critics could not be satisfied. >> the president has promised to close guantanamo, that didn't happen. >> okay, he didn't close guantanamo, but it didn't get any bigger. so it's in remission. >> he also promised to change the tone in washington. >> how important is tone. when did you ever hear february say this place has great tone. >> when i see the president
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claiming credit with the killing of o bin laden and said he wasn't going to be gloating and now he wants this victory lap. >> okay, i'm sorry. i have to stop you right there. now you are going to complain about the way he killed bin laden. come on, you got a better way to shoot an evil terrorist in the face. because to me, seems like he kind of nailed it. look who he is working with. >> our top political priority over the next two years should be to deny president obama a second term. >> an even with a turtle man standing in his way, look what he still got done. >> did we get universal health care. no. but the thing we did get with the insurance pool for coverage of,-- i don't know the details, the point is it's better than cancer. and on top of that, think of the stuff that didn't happen. >> the aircraft carrier sized asteroid has missed the earth. >> we were almost hit by a [bleep] asteroid. dow remember an asteroid hitting us. because i don't remember an asteroid hitting us. i would remember if an
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asteroid hitting us. for a black president to not get hit by an asteroid, that is the stuff. look, are you better off than you were four years ago, of course not. but think about how [bleep] you could have been. >> things could have been a lot worse. >> that's what i'm trying to say. bin laden, the asteroid, that health care exchange thing and no zombie apocalypse, as a president he's been pretty, pretty, not as bad as cohave been. and he's handsome too. i mean what dow need to satisfy people, what do you want lincoln. you expect your president to be mr. perfect. you're a bunch of cia babbee, i'm sick of the whole thing. i'm done. (cheers and applause)
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j&j welcome back. my guest tonight the former chairman, chairman, he wasn't just some dude on it, he was the chairman of the council of economic advisors on under president obama currently an economics professor at the university of chicago, please welcome back to the show austan goolsbee, young man. (applause) >> jon: so let me ask you, last time i talked to you were just leaving the administration. you were elated, walk on cloud nine, you have been gone now for how long. >> a little over a year. >> jon: you have followed it since then? >> yeah, i've fold, look, some days you miss and most days you don't. there is a little-- i had an old professor at, when i was in graduate school who used to say a boot camp, you know,
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he hated it at the time he hated it. and there are some things in life that it takes you, you know, a year, many years, even a decade before you go look back and realize how awful it really was. and the government's got a little of that. a little of that feature to it. >> jon: i find that typically that's what people say to someone when they're trying to make that person feel better about what they've spent their life doing. you know what i mean, like it's always the drill sergeant, you go back and say hey, man, i never appreciated what an [bleep] you were. but now that i have my own kids i'm like, you're great. you know that kind of thing. it's always that kind of, it's that ambivalence that you have. >> yeah, no, but i'm saying, you look back it still seems like it was just as bad. (laughter) >> jon: you have not turned the corner yet. >> yeah, really, you haven't turned the corner. and that's okay. >> jon: but you are better off than you were four years ago, you --
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>> i agree. look, i have larry david here i would tell him we're a lot better off than we were four years ago. i mean i think-- . >> jon: you want me to bring larry out. tell me. what was it that was so difficult. the first day when democrats got that question after the republican, are we better off. they suddenly were all jackie mason, what is better, bet certificate here, i don't know -- >> i'm not-- i have a ph.d in economics. i'm not like the message guy, what are you asking me for. but the moment, i was there in the moment when we come in, and that was a horrible, that was about the worst four or five months in the economic history of the united states. the stock markets collapsing, net worth of people down 40, 50%, in a couple month period. i'm getting calls from people in the economics profession saying what is this is how the depression began am come up with plan b. once the depression starts then what are you going to do. the thought that somebody
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would say oh, yeah, i would like to switch places from now to go back then when we're losing 800,000 jobs a month is like a joke. were they asleep. there they were on vacation,. >> jon: it is ludicrous. but were they asleep is my question. >> they might have been. >> jon: because i watched the republican convention. and i was astonished, you would have thought the republican party formed three and a half years ago. that they strung up-- sprung up out of a well spring, they are you produced by force and that there was no memory of any republican initiatives that had ever been done in the history of the country. it was all like, folks, three and a half years ago we woke up and decided to take this country back. and you're like, they had the debt clock out on the stage. and you just wanted to say, like, half of that is yours, right? and. >> i mean, to reconcile that with a platform where they're saying, and so let's go cut taxes by $5 trillion, gear it to the high end, let's go-- .
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>> jon: they didn't mention -- >> as an economist, watching that. >> yeah. >> jon: were you shocked to see three days, you know, 72 hour, whatever it is, go by with no one mentioning anything specific about that? >> i wasn't shocked. i noted that, you know, i didn't-- it wasn't overly policy focused, you know. it was-- so the thing is, that was-- . >> jon: that was very polite. >> they got their program up on the web. you can go look at it. and i mean, far it be from me. i encourage everybody to go read it. they keep saying it's a specific plan. it's not specific at all. the specifics are like make america better. >> jon: honestly it reads like a letter to santa claus. like-- it's a wish list. you got a couple minutes. we're going have more with austan goolsbee when we get back up on the web. we'll get that. (applause)
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>> jon: that's our show. remember, join us tomorrow, friday night, we're going be on on a friday night again, join us friday night at 11:00, here it is your moment of zen. >> a lot of focus on what some consider a stumble over the platform. >> it's over, it's been corrected. we move on from there. but it is over, the president has corrected it. with its done, it's over, we're moving on from
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>> tosh.0 features videos from the internet. we discourage anyone from attempting these. enjoy! [laughter] [cheers & applause] >> laughter is the best medicine next to oxicontin. [laughter] welcome to tosh.0. [cheers & applause] i am your host, daniel tosh. i'm aware this show is not for everyone. if funny jokes are not your cup
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of tea, then maybe you should just keep watching "rules of engagement." [laughter] on tonight's episode, the greatest actor you've never heard of. brian atene, stops by. i seek out my own golden voiced hobo. and we take a long hard look at black twitter. [laughter] is that kid still laughing? [laughter] stop laughing and change my oil. [laughter] thank goodness they weren't mexicans because they all drive low riders and that kid would've really gotten hurt. [laughter] that's how american kids play in the snow. here's how the russians do it. are you out of your [bleep] mind? "no, no, no. it's safe. we double-knotted the bed sheet around the chimney." [laughter] oh, my bad. i cannot believe we won the cold war. they are fearless.
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[laughter] at least they were smart enough to try it on a woman first. hang in there, svetlana. she's dating jason bourne. [laughter] ten minutes later he comes down, "oh the staircase would have been fine." [laughter] "i thought there were agents following us." "there weren't." check out this next chick's melons. >> wow! >> wow is right. [laughter] "can't we just snuggle?" "nope. get out the tarp." gotta be a better way to tell if it's ripe. do not go down on her when she's angry. [laughter] she's going to have an ant problem. she seems like the perfect employee for


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