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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 7, 2011 11:30pm-12:00am PDT

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>> jon: that's our show. join us tomorrow night at 11:00. here is your moment of zen. >> we just went to the post office over the weekend. i got to tell you, it's all about the attitude, at least in the workers iencountered. they walk at snail's pace. maybe if they just picked icapty comedy central >> tonight controversy erupts over a d.c. monument. how can they call it the "washington mall" if it doesn't have panda express? [laughter] then a scandal in iowa. what is des moines hiding, other than the pronunciation of its ess? and my guest robin wright has a
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new book about the arab spring. i'll ask how we can keep the muslims out of our seasons. texas a&m is joining the sec. this includes -- concludes today's installment of initials i don't understand. this is "the colbert report." captioning sponsored by comedy central [theme music playing] [cheering and applause]
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[audience chanting "stephen"] >> stephen: thank you. thank you so much, ladies and gentlemen. i just... i cannot thank you enough. we have been on vacation, and for the last two weeks i've had the chant that to myself. welcome to "the report." good to have you with us, everybody. nation, it's hard to believe, but this sunday is the tenth anniversary of september 11th attacks. which means we can't be more than five years away from finding saddam's wmds. [laughter] since that tragic day, the american government has done whatever is necessary to safeguard the home hasn't from enhanced interrogation to inventing the phrase "the homeland." [laughter] we even tried to find common ground with muslim extremists but electing one of them president. [laughter] over and over... over an over this man has proven that he is not serious about keeping us safe. which brings us to my new
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segment "this week in national sec-oward-ty. folks, whenever the terrorists have come up with a new way to attack aair travel, the tsa has found new and innovative ways to overreact, so travelers can then relax and enjoy their two-foot by two-foot space next to a crying baby in a pressureized tube hurdling 40,000 feet in the air. but all this security is about to disappear thanks to homeland security chief janet napolitano. >> we hope that we will be able to make it easier for travelers. you won't have to take off so much, your shoes, your bell, everything as you go through the machine. >> stephen: what? if we don't take our shoes off, how will we know which little piggy went wee, wee, wee all the way to an al qaeda training camp? has napolitano forgotten about
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the shoe bomb center he's not just an isolated nutd job. all terrorists have worn shoes at some point. that's why it's called shoe-ria law. and thanks to our vigilance, up until now america hasn't suffered another footwear-related act of war, except for jimmy choo's fall 2011 patent leather sandal pump, which declared a jihad on our notions of open-towed elegance. and folks, it only gets worse. because obama's tsa is abandoning our most effective weapon against terror, x-raying your junk. jim? >> fort wayne is one of 40 airports in the country getting a technology upgrade for its body scanner. >> the new software changes two things, first what the scanned image looks like. this is the old one. it shows a rendering of the person's actual body along with
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any anomalies. this is the new one. everyone's body is the generic rendering and auntillies like something in your pocket show up as a jell-o block. -- yellow block. >> stephen: great. this will protect us if we get attacked by the gingerbread man. the key tool, folks, the key tool in our national security portfolio is ghostly images of our pee pees. it is easy for terrorists to disguise their facial features, but everyone knows there is no disguising your crotch face. every genital is as unique as a snowflake. side note: if your genitals are shaped like a snowflake, see a doctor immediately. now, folks, without forcing us to take off our shoes and undergoing full body scan, what is to stop a terrorist from boarding a plane wearing a shoe bomb on his wang? [laughter] damn.
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that guy's wearing a size 13. what is next? letting people through security with four ounces of shampoo? the terrorists will be able to rinse and repeat. folks, in light of obama's lax security standards, i am now calling on all passengers to prove that you are sane, unthreatening travelers by doing what i do, getting completely naked in the airport security line and invite anyone in uniform to probe you with a rubber glove. and again, i want to extend my court-ordered apologies to the counter staff at cinnabun. [laughter and applause] nation, that frosting is hot. [laughter] and they are very generous with it. nation... [laughter] [cheering and applause]
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i hope... i hope that was frosting. [laughter] nation, there is nothing... calm down. nation, there is nothing i love more than a good monoment. from mt. rushmore to the space needle to egypt's stirring tribute to the luxor hotel & casino in vegas, or recently a important new memorial was unveiled on the national mall honoring the reverend sir dr. milk , jr. he's not only been to the mountaintop, he's been glued to it. and i am an, pert on all things mlk because i was at his "i have a dream" speech inside my pregnant mother who attended. i have this pennant, okay, from the day to prove it. i could not be judged by the color of my skin because at the time i was technically translewis nt. but folks, i was conan o'brien
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color. [laughter and applause] as we know... see you at the emmys, red. but there is some controversy around this memorial, folks, and not just because the sculpture mistakenly made him white. no. it is over a quotation from dr. king insciebed on the memorial. let's hear it from the man itself. >> yes, if you want to say that i was a drum major, say that i was a drum major for justice. say that i was a drum major for peace. i was a drum major for righteousness. >> stephen: stirring. humble. and if we're being brutally honest, a little wordy. which is why on the monoment the quote was paraphrased so that it would fit on the north side of the statue. it now reads, "i was a drum major for justice, peace and
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righteousness." boom. short, pithy, to the point, not dr. king's point, but still. you now what they say, brevity is the soul of saving money on chiseling fees. but some people out there don't appreciate dr. king getting the reader's digest treatment. civil rights activist and walking gravitas geyser maya angelou spoke out against the rewarding saying, "the quote makes dr. martin luther king look like an arrogant twit. he was anything but that. he was far too profound a man for that four-letter word to apply." or as she'll one day be paraphrased, dr. martin luther king, an ar gantd twit, he was a four-letter word. so everybody, everybody please just calm down. this is a memorial. it's about how we remember dr. king, no matter what he may have actually said. i know my personal favorite
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dr. king quote has always been, "who you going to call, ghostbusters." if anything, if anything, folks, memorial architect ed jackson still left the quote a little too long. i say trim the fat down to, "i was a drum major." you can even add one of those fancy hats. hey, hey, he did lead a march. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause] >> thank.
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welcome back, everybody. nation, before our august break, i was trying to get to the bottom of the huge scandal rocking the republican race for president. and i'm not talking about the rumor that candidate thaddeus mccotter's real name is cotter mcthaddeus. new york i'm talking about iowa's parry-with-an-a gate. you all know the details. oh, yeah. but in case you're some sort of cave man just thawed from a million-year icy sleep, let me catch you up. first of all, this is tv.
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tv good. secondly, the colbert nation and i recently formed colbert super pac, allowing us to raise and spend unlimited amounts of money. technically my lawyer says we're limited to the amount of money that currently exists in the world, but he's working on that. now, we used our money for the first time to run ads in advance of the iowa straw poll supporting writing in texas governor rick perry, and to distinguish ourselveses from the other super pac supporting perry, we asked supporters to write in his name with an a, and if they're feeling really ambitious, dot the "i" in rick with another "a." rick parry came in sixth over all and was the number-one write in candidate with 718 votesment but folks, every silver lining has a dark cloud. the iowa g.o.p. has refused to
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release the write-in resulted, so we don't know how many of those 718 votes were with an a. was it 717? as low as 716? anything is possible. so i turned to the cobail report's affiliate in iowa, woi abc 5 where des moines turns for des news. i'm talking about the entire news team. co-an cores amanda kranz and chief meteorologist brad edwards certified as central's most accurate meteorologist for five years and who's counting? let's not forget intrepid cup reporter katie eastman, whose proven track record garners all the plumb assignments. >> jessica, iowa state students have a long list of parking complaints, but next week there will be a new program that could make driving places more convenient.
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>> stephen: now if only iowa would come up with a place for people to go. [laughter] well,, i was away... i was away for two weeks, but i am confident woi was hard at work tearing the lid off this scandal because they sent me an update in the form of an e-mail today from woi station manager and my men's room emmy fluffer ray cole that's just... let's just give it a read here. okie smoky. all right. it starts out, stephen. good started. that's me. "abc 5 news's amanda krenz questioned whether or not the straw poll results might be subject to a tbeed of information act request. the short answer is no. the long answer is nnnnnnnnnnno. is that it?
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maybe it's continued on the other side. is there anything? damn. okay. well, still, i want to thank everybody at the woi news team, particularly their new investigative journalist who is apparently a magic 8 ball. we'll check in with you guys again for the caucus. we'll be right back. [cheering and applause]
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