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tv   Man Up  BBC News  July 15, 2021 1:30am-2:01am BST

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of troops deployed in response to widespread violence sparked by the jailing of former presidentjacob zuma. the government has said the unrest had brought shame on the entire country. more than 70 people have been killed. the pop singer britney spears has secured the right to choose her own lawyer, as she tries to end the conservatorship that controls her business affairs. the approval comes three weeks after the singer made an emotional address in which she called the existing arrangement abusive. the former us president george w bush has criticised the withdrawal of nato troops from afghanistan, calling the decision "unbelievably bad" before warning that, in his opinion, civilians were being left to be "slaughtered" by the taliban. now on bbc news,
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man up, with ben zand and others from the world of sport and social media discussing masculinity. for me, ifind it impossible to cry. like, i cover my emotions with laughter, joking around, being a fool. even when you are by yourself? ifind it so hard, i can't appear to be weak. so what's it like being a man? mental health isn't always the easiest thing to talk about. but we also have a lot of feelings so we probably should. we've got five men in a room to do just that. this is man up. the first thing i want to talk about is masculinity. i've got quite an interesting stat here. it's that 36% of men alter their personality to appear more masculine. do you guys feel like you are currently altering your personality to be more manly? it depends on the situation, i think.
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sometimes when you are around a big group of boys, suddenly it's like you feel a bit more bouncy, you are a bit more like, yes, geez, what's happening? when really if you're around your pals you can tone it down a little bit. why do you think that is? i think there is a pride thing, whether it be in friendships or relationships, pride is a big issue. don't mug me off, don't make me feel small, it is a respect thing. i think it could be a defence mechanism depending on your environment. even growing up as a kid, i was a proper good, placid, happy—go—lucky child, and as soon as i went to secondary school it was like going into a zoo so i had to get this kind of armour on me, do you know what i'm saying? that is where your masculinity starts coming from, for me. it's sad, though, isn't it, because i suppose that's the moment that you stop talking about your emotions so much and put up a mask a bit. i think as men we struggle toi do the emotions kind of thing. the masculinity obviously. is a front for a lot of things that we are trying to hide.
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would you, like, cry in front of your friends? you don't want to appear weak, especially in front _ of a group of guys, coming i into a new group of people, you don't want to appear that you are less of a man - than the man sitting next - to you or standing next to you, do you know what i mean? for me, i find it. impossible to cry. like, i cover my emotions with laughter, joking - around, being a fool. even when you are by yourself, you can't? i find it so hard, man. - i can't appear to be weak. i think i was at a stage like that at some point. i felt like that when i was younger. if i everfelt down i held it in and held it in and it led to the situation of self harming and stuff like that. it's the only way i could get a release from stuff, cutting myself. i used to punch walls and doors and wrecked my mum's house. my name's david cox, i'm 30 years old and currently play football for cowdenbeath football club in scotland. i've suffered from her mental
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health issues from a very young age, probably about 14 or 15 years old. and on a number of occasions i've tried to take my life. the pressures of playing football and having people knowing what's going on throughout my life and the issues i've faced, it's been hard. was there, i suppose, anybody in your lives that you could talk to about your emotions? could you talk to your dad about it? no. i mean, i'm sure if i'd ever spoken to my dad about my emotions he'd have been fine with it. but ijust look at him and go, no way. going and approaching your dad with something like that and making yourself look so weak in front of the person you want to look the strongest in front of. exactly, it's this thing about being weak, where does that come from? why does crying equal weakness? where i was brought up, i was brought up with my brother to be a hardy kind of boy, you know what i mean?
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and it'sjust, i don't know, it's had a negative impact on my whole life. it is funny because we all are saying weakness is being sad. even i'm sitting here going, that is totally what it is, because it is so conditioned in our head. but then the only emotion men can express is anger. i recognise now showing emotions and being able to cry is showing strength. sometimes you can get stuck in a rut where you are so used to kind of suppressing your emotion for so long it actually becomes hard to release, do you know what i'm saying? inside i'm probably screaming deep down but i'm so used to not showing my emotions, it is hard for them to come out now. sometimes you are forced to show your emotions, aren't you? you had a pretty bad crash in which kind of your whole career was thrown off. yeah. my name'sjames ellington, i'm 33 years old and i'm a team gb sprinter. i was a pretty successful sprinter. i had olympic experience. i went to the 2012 olympics for the 200 metres, a couple of world championships,
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and i also had two gold european medals to my name. in january of 2017 we were on a training camp in tenerife. me and one of my training partners went to go and explore and have a look at the volcano. and sadly on the way back down from doing the whole tourism bit we had a head—on collision with a can _ i ended up breaking both of my legs, my pelvis, tearing my abductors off the bone, fractures. you name it, i pretty much had it. a lot of people, rightly so, thought my career would be over, completely finished. and i'm currently still trying to get back. i think being an athlete and having a mentality of always moving forward and looking forward, i wasjust thinking about, can i come back? so kind of maybe i'll deal with it in a couple of years time, maybe it will come out. but even to this day now, i think about it all the time, and obviously it has been a struggle and still is a struggle. but i haven't, which i don't
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think is healthy, i haven't shed no tears, really. do you think, because another stat is 42% of men think that they should be the main breadwinner in their life. is that something that resonates? if the bill came i feel a need to grab the card machine. you know what i mean? it's mine, let me put my card in. it makes me feel good to be able to provide, do you understand? it might not be the pc thing that i should pay, but i want to open the door, i want to pay for the bill, i want to come home, you know what i mean? i'm not asking for dinner on the table or anything like that but i do want to be the alpha. it's kind of like you want to be in control? you've probably got a lot of men that feel inadequate because you kind of go back to a traditional household 30 years ago or whatever, it would be the man going to work, providing, the woman looking after the kids. but nowadays some men might
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feel like they don't have a place, my mrs is earning more than me. how you are going to pay for. diapers, rompers, wipes, food? i was always olu the footballer and now i'm just olu. - my name's olu, i'm 26 years old, i started my career- at tottenham from the age of 7 to 18~ _ from there i moved from - tottenham to norwich and from norwich to falkirk in scotland. my career, i'd say, . has been a weird one because i've had so many highs. at the same time i've had so many lows. i i've faced an identity crisisl where i was trying to figure out who i was as a person . and the transition from every day training to then becoming, you know, your average - joe was hard. i saw my dad being the main breadwinner all the time. .
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coming home late, working all hours of the night, - travelling up and down the country, being - the sole breadwinner. and i was thinking i need to be that. l i cannot not be the man - that my woman looks at me and is like, he's a bum. i made decisions and decided to make money in ways that, j you know, obviously. i shouldn't have done. but i had to because i needed to be that man figure - that she wanted, you know what i mean? _ or that i felt that she needed. does it kind of apply to the image you project of yourself on your instagram? i was looking at it before. big expensive cars, six pack abs. ain't no six—pack anymore, boy, i'm telling that for free! i'm guilty of it massively. before i even had a big following, when i had one, two, three, 4,000 followers, which is still a lot of people,
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but you'd end up doing things purely for gratification. so like, i know for a fact if the sun is over there, the beach is over here, i would turn around, abs looking sick, who was going to like that? i'm going to look at that picture and think, cool, it took me ten pictures to get the right one. but i know when the likes start rolling in from certain people, a certain amount, that gives me gratification and satisfaction. that was before i had a big following. you get in your head about it, the more followers you have, the more people that judge and comment. hi, i'mjosh denzel, i'm 27 years old, and you might recognise me from season four of love island. obviously love island gives you a huge platform, a bit of notoriety, i guess you could call it celebrity, which comes with many, many ups and downs. there is also a lot of pressure on you through social media, whether it is through your own doing, orthrough the public perception of you, what you believe the public's perception of you is, to kind of live a lifestyle.
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would you ever post on instagram, i'm feeling sad today? like, a kind of emotional post? i'm not someone who really talks about my emotions that much to my friends. but sometimes, i've not done it, but sometimes i think it is a big deal to put yourself out there, make yourself vulnerable to all of those people. for me, i think because of the industry i'm in, i know a lot of the people that i see on instagram in real life, you go on their social media page and they look like they are having the best time in the world and they are the happiest people. and i know these people personally, and some of these people i know, obviously no names, are some of the most insecure people you will ever, ever meet. do you guys ever say to your friends, i'm feeling sad? like, actual sadness. i might feela bit depressed today.
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i will freely speak about it to my best mates and stuff. i've got a manager i've been with for the past five years and the reason i stay and follow him is that he knows what he's getting, i know what i'm getting in terms of the mental—health side of it because i've had managers in the past that have wanted nothing to do with me because i've struggled. even before i first came out in the papers with my story, i would never have thought about speaking about it. the dressing room can be the loneliest place in the world. what about modern day masculinity would you change? who cares if a guy shows emotions? just because we are men it doesn't mean we are any different in the way we feel much of what women do, or anything like that. we go through the same stuff, feel the same feelings. so why is it ok for them to show there and we feel like we can't?
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has anybody experienced depression? i don't know, maybe. when you have a headache, you know what a headache feels like because you've had five before, all of your mates have had a headache. sometimes when i feel down you feel deeply sad for a period of time but you just go, i'm in a bad way, i'm upset, this is bothering me. i couldn't put a pin on it. people think it's just somebody wakes up in the morning and go, i don't feel good today, and it's not. it's more than that. you feel terrible about yourself. you feel like you are worthless to other people. i used to wake up every morning and for a period of time think about, how can i kill myself? this whole suicide rate for males in particular is scary. the fact that males feel they can't open up and feel
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they need to put on this face, and be big and tough, when really itjust ends up with them having more problems later on in life. you will see things on social media and start comparing yourself to people. you get anxious about things. you know what i mean? there is so much behind depression more than somebodyjust feeling i'm a bit crap today. a man tries to commit suicide every two hours in the uk, men are three times more likely to kill themselves than women and 72% of men say they have experienced depression. just to say, i'm going - through this, from an african background it is almost a taboo _ what do you mean depressed? go and pray, go i to do this or that. that's why i didn't - know i was struggling with depression until we had a doctor come and ask how. we are and then we had to give scores, and i was thinking i'm. below average in all of my feelings. - i struggle with eating, - ican't sleep, i have anxiety.
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nothing i can do- makes me feel good. i suffered with loneliness, depression, it drove - me to a dark place. with everything that i i was going through in scotland, it made me not want to speak to anyone. | i couldn't reach out. to friends, i couldn't talk to family members, | i couldn't talk to anyone. do you remember how you, i suppose, realised you were depressed ? sitting in an empty room. i'd come home from training and i'd have the tv off, - lights off and i'd just sit - there in the dark and ijust be thinking of all sorts i of stuff — i'm thinking, olu, snap out of it, _ this isn't you, just be normal. you can't. playing football every day, i i'm earning money, i'm doing whatever i'm doing and i'm still not happy. _
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i've got two boys now, and that's given me i the strength to kind of, - you know, want to get better. people may watch this and go, yo, i could have been - there for you, why didn't you speak to me? - it's easier said than done, you know what i mean? . for me to come out and speak and be like, yeah, listen, - i'm not feeling good today. people will say, man up, | you're good, don't worry. man up is an interesting line, isn't it? has anybody said man up to you and it's made you feel better? chuckles. it does the opposite, it rattles me, it gets me angry. footballers get it every time, how can you be depressed, and upset? you are doing what i wanted to do as a kid, you are living every boy's dream. james, did you have to deal with any of this? with your career potentially on the line, it's your whole life changing, everything you have been working towards.
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you think that might be a moment some of these feelings may show. yeah, definitely. initially after the accident for the first five or six weeks, it was nonstop with people visiting and people in and out of the hospital, you don't really have time to settle and think about everything. to be honest, i know that was physically the worst point but mentally it was probably the best point and then everyone kind of disappears and then you are kind of left in this hole. i don't know if the therapist i had spoken to had been through any kind of depression or mental illness himself but it was just staged, you know what i'm saying. speaking to someone else who might have been through a similar situation for me would have been more therapeutic. but at the time i didn't know anybody that was kind of in the situation i was in. you played for tottenham up until you were 18. when you got dropped by tottenham, can you remember how you reacted to that? mate, that was, i think, i
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the hardest day of my life. what actually happened? you got pulled into a room? it was right at the end - of the season, i'd been playing with the reserve team, - training with the first—team, it looked good. and then something that you've given up your whole life to, - you've sacrificed everything. it's good if you make it, you know what i mean, and you are at the top of the game. it was the same with me when i was at kilmarnock. i got released when i was 20, and it's the same feeling. you leave school, you've got no qualifications, no life experience outside of football, you are chasing this dream. i was 15 playing in the reserves, started training with the first—team at 18 right through, making appearances off the bench and i was the only one making appearances off the bench for the team i grew up with, you know what i mean? and then just, we don't need you. that's it. nothing after it. it'sjust dropped, you don't speak to these people again and that's it.
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i think that's - the turning point. that's when i thought, i feel worthless. - what are my friend is going to think? i what is this person going to think? - i've always been that guy, - and now i'm no longer that guy. how are you doing with your self—worth now? i'm getting there, getting a lot better. i think talking about it . and actually being really happy, rather than faking happiness is helping. - what do you think is expected of you as men? you're thinking i'm - supposed to be this person, but somebody else wants you to be this person. - so let's say you are in - a relationship now, i will use myself as an example. i think i'm supposed to be thisl way towards my partner but i'm doing the complete opposite because i feel like this is the way it is supposed to be done. what way do you think you are meant to be?
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breadwinner, - provider, protector. what i've grown up seeing a man is supposed to be. i as a man, you don't want to come across as weak, l you don't want to come - across as you can't provide. i'm not strong enough for you, i can't do this, i can't let - you know my emotions, i can't let you know- we are struggling, i can't let you know times are hard. i and for me that was - the hardest experience ever. do you have expectations on what you should look like? in what sense? like, so at tottenham we used to do body fat testing. - and i am of a big frame i so i always had to do extra running, extra this, - extra that, just so i could fit this image of a footballer, i what a footballer is supposed to look like. and it didn't help, because i started to hate myself. - i started to think, i'm - going to start starving myself, but in turn that just
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made it worse. - i was reading you lost 20 kilos, was it? i lost ten. when i was in hospital for about four weeks i lost ten or 11 kilos in weight. and obviously being a very physical, capable person before the accident, to not being able to move for four weeks and then when i was able to move looking at myself in the mirror and seeing almost like a shadow of your former self, that was tough to deal with because i'm used to seeing myself looking strong, i'm used to feeling strong, and other people looking at me as a strong, physical individual. i was bones. sprinters are machines, aren't they? that's the thing, my frame is not big naturally, so everything i have is muscle on top and i lost all of my muscle and coming out of hospital i felt frail. i was the strong athlete that was training every day and then i was in a wheelchair
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and couldn't do one push—up. so yeah, i felt rubbish. in terms of body consciousness and social media and how you look, i've never really been too conscious of that. i'm lucky enough to have been an athlete and always been in some sort of shape and i don't know how i'd feel if i wasn't in shape. i remember pre—love island, i watched all the seasons before and everyone in there is in mad nick. it's all about that. you look at them and you think you lot are all the kind of people i follow on instagram, those fitness people that you will never get close to and suddenly you are like, josh, are you going on? i'm like somebody who is never so far out of shape but i don't walk around with a six pack normally. i've got a decent shape to me but i lived in the gym. for love island? for love island. i'm thinking i've got to be on tv, it is bad enough going on holiday, used to treat going on holiday
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like a six week training camp. when i was on love island, i thought, i got six weeks before i go on and looked in the mirror and looking back i was in mad nick, i looked shredded but i looked at myself and thought i didn't want to go on. they didn't say to me explicitly you have to look like this and got to do that. there is an expectation? of course there is an expectation. you are on this show, trying to be natural, trying to be the best version of you and you are worried about what people think. you are being broadcast to the nation. for the 1,000 nice comments that you get, you seem to remember the negative 10. do you think that has created an image of masculinity? reality tv shows. 100%. i didn't watch them that much but even when i watched them i thought i don't have many abs. the image of our influencers, do they impact the way we see ourselves?
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100%. especially feeding back into pride and ego as males, you don't want to be the small, skinny or fat male, you know what i'm saying? what should be expected of men? we should be expected tojust be a bit more open and free with our emotions and not be as afraid, or feel that being in touch with your emotions is emasculating. you said you were angry back in the day and all the rest of it. you probably have so many people, especially males that may be involved in violence or fighting, and may have issues going on and it's probably because they can't express themselves. they might be in a situation where there are down and depressed. back in the day when i was younger and i used to roll around in my area with a couple of my friends and things were not going great, i was listening to gigs every day on my stereo and i'd be in this mindset and everyone
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in the car in the same mindset, none of us have money and we are all kind of down, and then you are on this bad path where anything can happen at any time and that's only because we are hurting within ourselves. it is the kind of one acceptable emotion of anger. when you are around that and it is all you have everj known and you have grown up being around it you _ tend to follow it. especially when i left football, those - were my friends. so those were the only people i could look to and be like, yo, l what are you lot doing today? what are we doing today? i'd gone from training every day waking up, | eat, sleep, football, tojust chilling on the block. not so much causing trouble butjust being in places- and situations i shouldn't have been in. _ i think expectation for me now as a man is to first _ of alljust be happy and make| sure your household is happy. be this happy person for real. and not being so bitter and not being so sad and not
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being so angry. - it's the hardest thing. but i think if i carry on that. mindset and if i carry on that expectation of myselfjustl to be happy and make sure everybody around me is happy, then i think that's the only - expectation you need. i will freely speak about my mental health to anybody. i've just met you and we were talking through there, telling you about stuff i've done and things like that. if it helps somebody then i don't really care. you know what i mean? if somebody thinks that what i've been through this kind of selfish and that i don't care because, as i say, it doesn't matter to me but people shouldn't be made to feel they should be all masculine and hide their emotions. look at the stats, look at what's happening, because people can't speak about things.
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hello, there. sunshine did wonders for the temperatures on wednesday. aboyne in aberdeenshire one of the places that got above 25 degrees with scenes like this. parts of southern england saw similar temperatures, as well. and over the next few days, with more sunshine on the way, those temperatures could have a little further to climb — maybe up into the high 20s in parts of the south over the weekend. but it's not all about sunshine. this is the earlier satellite picture from wednesday. you can see this cloud that spilt in across scotland and northern ireland — that working down into england and wales as well. so a lot of places having a fair amount of cloud
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through thursday, maybe even giving the odd light shower in eastern england. but that cloud will tend to break. we will see spells of sunshine. i think the best of those across parts of northern england, northern ireland and a good part of scotland. and in the sunniest places, temperatures will get up to 25, maybe 26 degrees. but some eastern parts of england will be affected by a keen breeze, and that will feed more cloud in across east anglia and the southeast once again as we head through thursday night into friday. at the same time, cloud will topple in from the northwest, but in between a slice of clear sky and a mild start to friday morning. now, through friday, this area of high pressure continues to establish itself. that means mainly settled conditions, but we do have a frontal system close to the north of scotland, so the closer you are to that frontal system the more cloud you are likely to see. northern and western scotland, parts of northern ireland, too, quite breezy, quite cloudy maybe with the odd spot of drizzle. cloud first thing towards the southeast, that will tend to clear. for most places friday
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will bring plentiful sunshine and temperatures well up into the middle 20s celsius. and then we get on into saturday. again, more cloud up towards the northwest of scotland. some light and patchy rain is possible in the northwest highlands, but further south it is largely fine with plenty of sunshine and temperatures likely to peak at 27 degrees. but those temperatures could climb even further by sunday. this area of high pressure is still with us into the second half of the weekend. this frontal system still with us in the north, as well, and that may reinvigorate a little through the day. so we could see some slightly more widespread and heavier rain into the far northwest of scotland later. but elsewhere, some good spells of sunshine, and in the south we are looking at highs of 29 degrees. that's all from me for now.
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welcome to bbc news — i'm ben boulos. our top stories... burned—out buildings and looting mark the sixth day of chaos in south africa. more than 70 are dead, and the crisis is growing. britney spears wins the right to choose her own lawyer — as she tries to end the i3—year—long arrangement that controls her personal and business affairs. unbelievably bad — former president george w bush delivers his verdict on the us pull—out from afghanistan. it's unbelievable how that society changed from the brutality of the taliban. and now all of a sudden — sadly — i'm afraid afghan women and girls are going to suffer unspeakable harm. and jadon sancho speaks out — the england footballer says hate will never win — after receiving online racist
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abuse over his missed penalty in the euros final.


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